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MsParados -> RE: has anyone gone through this i would love advice (4/26/2007 7:54:05 PM)
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Alright there are a few things that need to be addressed in this post so lets begin....
quote:
ORIGINAL: sortingemotions
Alright, needless to say im very nervous typing this post, but i am nervous by nature. I've only known bdsm for about 2 years, but when i first came across it i felt like i found something profound, life changing, it appealed to feelings i held deep inside for many years. I then decided i that i wanted almost needed to experience lettign go of control completly. Felt like i would freedom in this. But along with this driving wish to experience such i felt a strong fear of letting go of control.
All of these thoughts feelings and subsequent actions are very common , so know you are not alone.
8 months ago i left home to live witha dominant male who im now engaged to, but due to certain circumstance out of my control we were forced to move back to my mother to financially assit her and my siter and two nephews. During our relationship neither dominance or submision was offered by either of us.
If "not dominance" was shown how can you classify him as a "dominant" male? Seriously? I understand you are new to this, and maybe you answered this already, but how new is he?
He claims he was so used to vanilla relationships that he was afraid of showing dominan or just forgetful, he also claims when he tried to show dominance i resist.
this is a very common claim by non-dominant men to take the focus off there true orientation.
I can see this at times i feel that i want nothing more to submist it gives me this feeling... so hard to explaina almost like a rush but a feeling of contentness as well, but befor i can feel that i feel great fear and resistance. I want to give up complete control but am to afraid i feel almost the need to be forced into it. Is this normal or does it mean im just not really sumissive?
I do not know if I would say this is "normal", but it was how it had to be for me. I needed to know, w/o a doubt, that he was strong enough to "put" me in my place in the beginning, otherwise it never would have worked. It doesnt mean that you aren't a "true" submissive.
I feel sometimes the fact the way i was raised not to submit to men and if any dominance is showed by him over me my mother and sister critisize, though more often than not we do not do such in front of them they just take small things we dont even realize and pit them against us.
This is programming that some of us have a really hard time with, well at least I did. I was ALWAYS the strong one, always in control, hence why I needed someone stronger than me... one train of thought to explain this to your family, if you feel the need to that is, remind them that womans liberation was done to give woman the choice about how they would live their life. Since your choice is to be submissive to another, you are still the strong woman they have always known. Hopefully as you grow in your submission you will become even better, since you will be more true to your natural self.
Another thing is we both have a similar fantasy of me being with another woman but whenever he wishes to do this i freak out and get emotional because i dont wish to share him,
why does your being with another woman mean he has to be with her too??
he says if i wish to submit that this would make him happy and should give me that feeling i often long for.
this is often used by HVG (horny vanilla guys) to justify their desires, regardless of the damage it will cause the person they are with and imo it's bullshit.... but thats jmo.
Do i need to bewilling to do such to be submissive?
No.... not at all.... don't buy that bullshit.
Please any advice would be useful, perhaps on how to work through this or if you experienced similar, thank you!
on a personal note and this is based on the info I have at hand....
if he isn't fullfilling you and is actually harming you emotionally and you have been together less than a year, cut your losses cause I promise it isn't going to get better, been there, done that and it was not worth the cost of the t-shirt.
or you could stay together, attempt to address the issues, you need to learn a bit more about what you need, what you can give, and this lifestyle in general. If you love your "fiancee" thats great but can you accept that he may never be the Dom you need? plus you both are living with your family which makes any real attempts to fix this next to impossible. Feel free to email me if you wish to talk about anything privately, and the best of luck you.
imo this lifestyle is well worth waiting for the right one. I find that alot of us, when we first enter into this, get rather impulsive and don't make the best choices.
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