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topping from the bottom - 4/29/2005 10:52:32 PM   
sweetslave97219


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline 		Hello,
I have a problem with topping form the bottom and I don't realize I do it. I didn't realize that asking for something like a flogging or spanking over and over was topping from the bottom. I would like some advice to stop doing this or some websites to get information. I have somone I am trying to work on a relationship with and it won't grow if I can't stop doing this. Can anybody help?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: topping from the bottom - 4/29/2005 11:03:03 PM   
ManOwner


Posts: 127
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		I feel this is your Master's problem, not yours. Is he or she not truly dominant, or just inexperienced?

(in reply to sweetslave97219)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: topping from the bottom - 4/29/2005 11:06:56 PM   
siamsa24


Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline 		Or they could just not mind.
I know I have an odd relationship, but I top from the bottom almost all the time and my partner doesn't mind. He knows that it is happening, but it doesn't bother him.

(in reply to ManOwner)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: topping from the bottom - 4/29/2005 11:15:41 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, topping from the bottom is generally when you try and manipulate to get what you want, if you're being open about it and everyone is happy with it, then there isn't a problem.

If you want to stop, then just practice asking only once and then stopping. Maybe carry post its around with you and write down the question so you can remember you asked it before asking again.

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: topping from the bottom - 4/30/2005 12:55:06 AM   
subbella


Posts: 237
Status: offline 		This is a tough question. Visit the Castle Realm website. Lots of great information on it. Also, try some books on BDSM. I've read "The Loving Dominant". It gave me a great deal of insight. I've heard "Forget the Roses Give Me the Thorns" is excellent as well, and one that is on my reading list. My sister sub has recommended "A Different Kind of Love." Educating ourselves, or perhaps reaching out to another sub would help as well.

Honestly and gently communicating your desires to your Dom outside of a session may help Him give you more of what you expect in play time. Good luck!

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: topping from the bottom - 4/30/2005 2:05:15 AM   
ElektraUkM


Posts: 309
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		Some masters might consider that asking for something over and over was begging rather than 'topping from the bottom'... And some masters like begging!

Has your master told you he doesn't like the way you're asking? Are you demanding rather than begging or asking? What about your approach doesn't he like?

As someone else said ~ it is perhaps down to him to tell you what he doesn't like, and deal with it somehow. He's the dom, afterall. But I think that because there is so much variation in what masters like and what they'll accept ~ you need to ask him these questions and work it out between you.

~ Elektra

(in reply to subbella)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: topping from the bottom - 4/30/2005 9:35:59 AM   
sputniklove


Posts: 39
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		Communcation is what you and your Dom need, Does he mind? Are you begging, does he like that? If you are asking over and over, Does he know what you want?.Talk with him outside of scening or play. bring it up, the pyshic hotline went out of buisness,right? They should have been calling the customers after all,but the point is there is a shortage of qualified mind readers on the planet......So speak up...If you find after communcating what you are looking for you still can't stop there are always gags.
Again this does not seem a insermountable task,only one that you both need to express and come to a conclusion about what or how to correct the problem....Perhaps as has been suggested it is only you who percieves anythng wrong at all,and your Dom maybe fine with it

(in reply to sweetslave97219)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: topping from the bottom - 4/30/2005 10:05:49 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

I have somone I am trying to work on a relationship with and it won't grow if I can't stop doing this.

I think this is his problem and he should deal with it. If I were in his shoes and you were annoying me with your demands you'd quickly find yourself gagged and then I'd do something fun . . . for me anyway. You could be sure it would be anything but what you were asking for and not something you are especially fond of. And if that type of negative reinforcement didn't work, there are other approaches to try. You'd learn eventually.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to sweetslave97219)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: topping from the bottom - 4/30/2005 5:33:22 PM   
ginger21


Posts: 173
Joined: 4/28/2005
From: Austin, Texas
Status: offline 		i don't know much, but i couldn't imagine that asking for something would be bad. Being that He or She is the dominant one, they could always say "no."

(in reply to sweetslave97219)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: topping from the bottom - 5/2/2005 3:46:35 PM   
SenorX


Posts: 142
Joined: 12/23/2004
Status: offline 		alot of subs find themselves having to top from the bottom. It can mean alot of different things... the Dom may not know what you want, when you want, or how often you want. The Dom may not know how to really say NO to you thereby not really being in control, but rather, allowing you to be in control (perhaps a sub in Dom's clothing?). The Dom may not have enough experience yet.

Yes, communication in a relationship is of utmost importance. And so is patience. Sometimes, Wwe jump too fast just to be able to say We own someone or to say we are owned, and at first, everything is being viewed through rose-coloured lenses.... but as time goes by... the rose colouring begins to fade and you begin to view your life through clear lenses. Then what?

Best Regards,

X

(in reply to sweetslave97219)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: topping from the bottom - 5/3/2005 5:11:15 AM   
BobcatsLilMinx


Posts: 201
Joined: 4/8/2005
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

Being that He or She is the dominant one, they could always say "no."


I think thats exactly right. If you don't ask, the Master doesn't know what you want/ like, no? It is his choice as to whether or not he grants that request, I've been asking this whole last week if I'm getting my dollshouse yet - the answer is still "no", end of discussion.

If you sulk and whine until he gives in, or in the hopes that he'll give in, then I suppose that might be topping from the bottom.... but I don't see any harm in asking. Au contraire, if you don't let him know what you like and want, that might hinder the relationship.

Minx

(in reply to SenorX)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: topping from the bottom - 5/3/2005 6:40:23 AM   
Synocense


Posts: 255
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline 		My former Master and I had an understanding. I was expected to ask for what I wanted and inform of what I thought I needed, at any given time. It was also expected that I would ask once. I think the key is knowing the difference between asking and hounding someone for an answer. Asking over and over and over is simply irritating, to anyone! I had to trust in him not to forget if it was something in which he had to think on. If the answer was "No" ..then that was it. At least it was an answer though. lol

Syn

(in reply to BobcatsLilMinx)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: topping from the bottom - 5/4/2005 2:30:39 PM   
match2u


Posts: 131
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline



Dear sweetslave97219,

i do agree with the most posts here in telling its about communication.

i had some talkings with Masters so far until i found the right One - smile -
often i did hear i am topping from the bottom, cause i told what i want - i need - asking for and often i got the reply i am demanding.

getting in touch with the One i told from the beginning, being honest to Him and honest with myself.

right now - when the situation comes up He tells me oh I know petra want what she want and she wants it now...
i have to laugh then, cause its so true and end of discussion.
so may i have learned a little?

but also in being honest and to communicate there is a chance of improvement, in getting better - that does not mean we will fail. we do not switch from one moment to the next from worse to better or vice versa - but in growing , we try and improve......
and is it not whats important in O/our relations? to grow?

communication is very helpfull indeed....

hug to You

petra



< Message edited by match2u -- 5/4/2005 2:32:54 PM >

(in reply to sweetslave97219)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: topping from the bottom - 5/4/2005 3:36:16 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		I thought the book title was screw the roses send me the thorns not forget the roses lol.

(in reply to match2u)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: topping from the bottom - 5/4/2005 6:20:30 PM   
subbella


Posts: 237
Status: offline 		LOL you know miss feline -- you may be right . . . I think you are right, actually. Oh, another excellent book is The Ethical Slut -- it doesn't have a lot about topping from the bottom, but is an excellent source about "open relationships".

My Master and I always schedule time for conversation before and after each session, to share what we both want to experience that evening. However, being the sub, I wait for him to tell me what he is in the mood for, and then I will agree or disagree. He will usually ask, "does kitten want stripes tonight?" (caning) or "does she want her ass to be pretty" (spankings). Last session, bella got both! It sure has been hard to move the last few days! LOL

The good thing is, Master knows his bella's body very well. He know my limits and when he can push the envelope. bella is stubborn though, and will go to the extreme before using a safeword. However, it took time, and when I was first collared, Master had me observe sessions with other subs, to get an idea of what my limits were. Now he will use me to do the same with his new subs. They have both observed one of my sessions, and now have a better idea what to expect. He is demanding, and very very skilled at what he does. He is the best!!!!



(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: topping from the bottom - 5/6/2005 6:40:57 AM   
OrdinaryMaster


Posts: 4
Joined: 1/3/2004
Status: offline 		I believe "topping from the bottom" is a subjective term. Where it may apply in one situation, it may not apply in another. It's sort of liking labeling a man who is married as being "hen-pecked," whereas others would simply say he's a "good husband."

I do realize there are those who try to get away with controlling from a submissive position and they simply want to see how much they can get away with. If the Master continues to let them get away with whatever they're getting away with over and over again, usually the submissive will lose respect for her Top or Master and that can certainly cause some conflict in the relationship. If the Master doesn't care how much his slave/sub gets away with, then perhaps he needs to re-evaluate if this is someone he truly wants to dominate or have in his life. Also, communication is key. It all boils down to both knowing what they want (even if the sub/slave wants to submit all control, s/he is still communicating his/her needs) and communicating those needs.

Good luck on your relationship.

(in reply to sweetslave97219)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: topping from the bottom - 5/6/2005 9:32:51 AM   
BobcatsLilMinx


Posts: 201
Joined: 4/8/2005
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

I do realize there are those who try to get away with controlling from a submissive position and they simply want to see how much they can get away with


I do something similar to this from time to time, I call it testing the boundaries. Although I usually am happy to take it for granted that the rules will be enforced if I step over a line, some days I want that physical reassurance of a painful punishment. It just reminds me of my place, and reassures me that he cares enough to keep me in that firm discipline.

I only tend to play up though if I have reason to doubt either of those...

And ashamedly, Minxie admits if the boundaries aren't reinforced quickly when she steps over them, she pushes a little harder until something happens...

I know I'm not the only girl that does this... Some of us just need to be reminded from time to time that the line is THERE I guess, that it exists, and is very real.

Minx

(in reply to OrdinaryMaster)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: topping from the bottom - 5/6/2005 1:58:44 PM   
SirKenin


Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline 		I only look at "topping from the bottom" when they try and assume control in any of a variety of ways.

As for requesting, I do allow that, but only under certain circumstances. The request must be worded in a precise manner and it must not be during a scene that I have "scripted" for lack of a better word. That is not trying to assume control, but rather making one's requests known. Nothing wrong with that.

_____________________________

Hi. I don't care. Thanks.

Wicca: Pretending to be an ancient religion since 1956

Catholic Church: Serving up guilt since 107 AD.

(in reply to BobcatsLilMinx)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: topping from the bottom - 5/7/2005 9:48:28 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
What one person considers topping from below another considers communication. If it is a problem for your Dominant, they need to address the issue. If not, you don't need to worry about it. It is only a problem if your Dom/me says it is.

I expect and demand that my sub give me his honest opinion, from how he is feeling about things to if he feels he needs more/less of a certain activity. Since I have set our dynamic up in this fashion, him bringing up his needs or wants is not topping from below. It is obeying me. I always have the option to deny his request. He does have rules as to when he is not allowed to bring things up unless they are safety related. (in session or at a function) In those cases, he can file they away for later or let me know that he'd like to speak of them later.

As was pointed out, your Dominant may consider your repeated asking as begging. I personally would and if it got out of hand, I'd correct it. Otherwise, I'd enjoy it.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to sweetslave97219)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: topping from the bottom - 5/7/2005 10:07:02 AM   
slavedesires


Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetslave97219

Hello,
I have a problem with topping form the bottom and I don't realize I do it. I didn't realize that asking for something like a flogging or spanking over and over was topping from the bottom. I would like some advice to stop doing this or some websites to get information. I have somone I am trying to work on a relationship with and it won't grow if I can't stop doing this. Can anybody help?



i think the context of topping from the bottom is a personal one between you and Yours.
If he tells you you do, then you do.
Anther may not see begging for a flogging is topping from the bottom.
i was told looooooong ago that for me to beg to suck His cock was topping from the bottom...i asked Him, nope! Period.



_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to sweetslave97219)
Profile   Post #: 20
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