Roommates, friends or service submissives? (Full Version)

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WhiplashSmile -> Roommates, friends or service submissives? (4/25/2007 2:21:09 AM)

I've been doing a lot of mental exploration lately.  Exploring the types of relationships I'm open to having now, my future and my past.  I've been reading some recent posts regarding service submissives, it got me to thinking about it in depth.

Right now, I'm sitting here rather stunned at a time period in my past.  A period of time in the early 90's back before the wonders of the internet.  It's great to come online and come to a place such as this and interact with other BDSMers.

Well back to service oriented submissives.  I'm actually rather shocked when I totally remove sex and gender out of the thought process.  I suddenly see where I have had a couple of loyal friends that become my roommates and performed as excellent service submissives.  Wow, my mind is fried right now.

I was in the process of home renovations, needed a little help.  Anyways, to best describe this.. I had friends that were coming over wanting to help, they actually enjoyed doing these things.   Mind you I was paying money for their help, as well as taking care of some of their needs.  However, there was a deep element of friendship involved as well.  Doing things socially, aspects that meant a lot for them as it did me.   Anyways, two of my friends I let them become my roommates.  They were in need of a place to live anyways.   I found myself being the one in charge of everything.

The real strange part to all this, and I remember the conversations I had with one of 'em.  Is that he actually enjoyed the arrangements and enjoyed the structure and in doing things.  The hair on my arms and back is standing on end right now.  Did I actually have 2 male service submissives, friends, or roommates?  It was something more than roommates, and it was something more than friendship.  I can clearly see this now.  I'm rather shocked and stunned.

Has anybody here came to some new realization about their past like this?  Hell, these two friends of mine even insisted at being my own personal body guards one night even though I did not need any.   The level of service these two provided me is actually well.. something more than friendship or roommate level.  Nothing sexual mind you.   It's rather interesting to decouple Sex from the BDSM picture.

This being the case, does this really mean I was running a Poly Household?  My mind is fucking blown right now at the thoughts of this...  Roommates, friends or service submissives? 



NakedGirlScout -> RE: Roommates, friends or service submissives? (4/25/2007 3:13:05 AM)

Hi WhiplashSmile,
No I don't think you have a poly household with submissives whom you own just because they've chosen to give you some time and energy, though it could become that way if you all spoke about it and agreed that's what everyone wanted. I've always gone out of my way for my friends, doing loads of heavy labour and chores for them, protecting them, and in general acting like their submissive. But since I was doing everything out of my own need to serve someone, and they had no involvement in this arrangement other than being a grateful but passive recipient of my service, I can't say that they were my dominant counterpart (because they were doing no dominating). If I could become someone's submissive just by performing service, then I'd have to say that I was submissive to the cats and dogs whom I serve by volunteering at my local animal shelter ;)



WhiplashSmile -> RE: Roommates, friends or service submissives? (4/25/2007 3:32:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedGirlScout

Hi WhiplashSmile,
No I don't think you have a poly household with submissives whom you own just because they've chosen to give you some time and energy, though it could become that way if you all spoke about it and agreed that's what everyone wanted. I've always gone out of my way for my friends, doing loads of heavy labour and chores for them, protecting them, and in general acting like their submissive. But since I was doing everything out of my own need to serve someone, and they had no involvement in this arrangement other than being a grateful but passive recipient of my service, I can't say that they were my dominant counterpart (because they were doing no dominating). If I could become someone's submissive just by performing service, then I'd have to say that I was submissive to the cats and dogs whom I serve by volunteering at my local animal shelter ;)

Thanks for your insight on this.  Some of the dynamics at work I found a little disturbing while thinking about Service based submissives.   I myself have done things for friends, however not to the level these two did for me.  I wish I could simply say I was a simply Passive while all this was going down.  This was anything but the case.  There were times when I was passive, but more times then not.. I was Active in making requests and in handing out Tasks.  Complete with expectation for things to get done.  (I'm kind of mind puking right now).    I've had other roommates where it's clear that they were just roommates or friends, this situation was rather different or unique compared to others.



NakedGirlScout -> RE: Roommates, friends or service submissives? (4/25/2007 3:38:07 AM)

If you were handing out tasks, giving orders and enforcing consequences - then yes, I'd say you had inadvertantly crossed the line between friendly equals, and had created a power exchange situation without having spoken about it. This may or may not be bad, depending on whether everyone was contented with the arrangement. I think that doing anything of this sort unconsciously is asking for trouble down the road, though, since there's a lack of open communication about what's going on.



spankmepink11 -> RE: Roommates, friends or service submissives? (4/25/2007 5:03:43 AM)

I think it's more of a case of them gravitating to an authoritative, or organized entity, ( you in this case).   I've done chores/favors for friends on numerous occasions, and while i enjoyed doing for, or pleasing them, i in no way felt owned or obligated to them.
I'm interested in the fact that you stated you had "expectations" for the assigned tasks to be done. If they were not done, did you incorporate consequences?  Punishment?  If not, then i think while they enjoy your direction, their desire to complete the tasks comes from within.

I honestly do not think a "service submissive" situation can be in place without the knowledge and informed consent of all parties.  Did you consider yourself their owner?  Do they acknowledge or allude to the fact that they consider performing these tasks as serving you?

Also, you ask if this is a "poly" situation, it's not, in my opinion, because the rest of the word is amorous, and most polyamorous relationships imply romantic love and or sex.





Main Entry:  
polyamorous

Part of Speech:  
adj

Definition:  
pertaining to partipation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships



WhiplashSmile -> RE: Roommates, friends or service submissives? (4/25/2007 5:31:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedGirlScout

If you were handing out tasks, giving orders and enforcing consequences - then yes, I'd say you had inadvertantly crossed the line between friendly equals, and had created a power exchange situation without having spoken about it. This may or may not be bad, depending on whether everyone was contented with the arrangement. I think that doing anything of this sort unconsciously is asking for trouble down the road, though, since there's a lack of open communication about what's going on.

Never had any situation for enforcing consequences... I do think that somehow I had crossed a bit of line in a strange way though.  A sort of power exchange situation that naturally happened.   Which is why I had a conversation about this with them at one time.   I was double checking to see how they were feeling about it all.  Hence why one of them said to me that they enjoyed the structure and everything.   I felt strange to me at how things were going at one point, that I felt the need to talk about it.   They were OK with everything.  I imagine if I had used words like Submissives or Slaves or talked BDSM buzzwords it would have been rather shocking.   I just was not thinking about things from this perspective at the time.  However it did reach a point where it was creepy feeling, that I talked about dynamics going on.   If they were OK with what the Hell was happening... I'm a little dazed right now reflecting back upon this...




WhiplashSmile -> RE: Roommates, friends or service submissives? (4/25/2007 5:46:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: spankmepink11
...I'm interested in the fact that you stated you had "expectations" for the assigned tasks to be done. If they were not done, did you incorporate consequences?  Punishment?  If not, then i think while they enjoy your direction, their desire to complete the tasks comes from within...


Yes, I found myself having "expectations".. this is one of the things I began to feel uncomfortable about, hence one of the motivations in why I had a conversation about what was going on with them.   In terms of expectations, never set up any form of punishment system.   Actually when I look back at it, I was using positive reinforcement a lot.  Yes, I would offer rewards for things being done.  This thought alarms me a little..  No punishment system only rewards...  this really does creep me out thinking back upon it.   Oh hell, damn... I remember saying something about going places and me spending money for it, that they would have to do their share.. Crap, in answering your question.. I find it a little more distrubing.  I'm having to question a few things about myself right now at least get a grip on my capacities.   I kind of see myself in a different light over this, and I'm not certain I really like this light or not. 

Thanks for the Poly Clarification..  I don't know much about poly dynamics and have never done the poly thing.  Perhaps entertained the notion from time to time.



WhiplashSmile -> RE: Roommates, friends or service submissives? (4/25/2007 5:53:18 AM)

quote:

I honestly do not think a "service submissive" situation can be in place without the knowledge and informed consent of all parties.  Did you consider yourself their owner?  Do they acknowledge or allude to the fact that they consider performing these tasks as serving you?

No I never considered myself to be their owner, are you kidding me.  It was far from my mindset, however did I slowly behig to feel more power from being in control. Yes.   It was not some M/s at work...  more like D/s that took over friendships in a 24/7 roommate relationship.   Yes, they moved in with agreement for doing things that I wanted or needed done.  That was part of the terms and conditions upfront, since I never expected or had them pay for rent, food or anything else.  The Dyanamics where not the typical roommate scene.  I hope this adds some more clarification for anybody reading this.

Also, I was not sitting back barking out Slave Bring me a Cup of coffee orders either.   I never asked for such stupid menial tasks to be done.  My focus was upon more important tasks. 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Roommates, friends or service submissives? (4/25/2007 7:17:03 AM)

Services does not equal submission.

I've seen a group of burly male doms get together to set up a room full of equipment with a female switch leader instructing and giving layout and basically managing the whole affair.  Were they submissives to her?  No.

You had good friends who hung around and got things done, you were in charge since it was your stuff so they followed your lead.  Most people are bad organizers anyway so when someone shows good initiative and planning, most everyone will just go along.

Back in the settlers days, barn raisings were considered great social events- were all those people submissives?

Let's finally divorce the myth that being nice/following directions/working together/providing service to a fellow person is somehow the same as being submissive.  Too many doms AND subs get locked into that idea and it can cause a lot of problems.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Roommates, friends or service submissives? (4/25/2007 10:54:03 AM)

My first husband was submissive. Too bad I didn't know it back then...or, even if I did, was capable of acting on it. I got the best responses out of him when I barked orders (which I did when he pissed me off).

Master Fire



Elorin -> RE: Roommates, friends or service submissives? (4/25/2007 7:24:49 PM)

It sounds like you were a very lucky man, respected and loved, and given attention, time, effort, and respect by those who moved in with you.

It sounds like they weren't just friends, and they weren't just roommates. Whether there is a name for it or not, I don't know. It sounds like you were an authority figure, a household leader.

Do the two men sound like they could make excellent service submissives? Certainly. But being someone's submissive is something you choose to do, and needs to be explicit. The same goes for polyamory.

I reiterate that it sounds like you were a very lucky man, to have that situation. And it is nice to see others divorcing sex from the BDSM equation and getting insight. But it doesn't need to rock your world.

It was what it was...and perhaps if it happened again, you would use "buzzwords" so that it might become more.
~E



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