A sub male in a Vanilla relationship

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ericpup -> A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 2:18:15 PM)
How can I, as a sub male, survive and do so without screwing up? My fiancee is a beautiful, smart woman, who really doesn't understand that I want to be submissive to a female. She is also submissive, generally, and that is creating a gap between us. When I try to discuss BDSM in general, she kind of closes down. I've shown her my toybox, which is collecting dust under the bed, and which she has no interest in. I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking of cheating. What can I do to prevent this?

Red82 -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 2:41:34 PM)
hmmmm.......your not married yet, and "your getting to the point where your thinking of cheating"... Ooh, i know. Dont get married!

stef -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 2:52:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ericpup I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking of cheating. What can I do to prevent this? How can you prevent cheating? Don't. It doesn't get much easier than that. You might want to consider breaking off your engagement since you already know you have incompatibilities that are making you consider cheating before you're even married. ~stef

LadyPact -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 2:58:43 PM)
I wrote you a private message, rather than post the board.

subfever -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 3:03:02 PM)
Your fiance has made it quite clear that she's not interested in F/m. The solution is simple, but resolving yourself to it isn't. You'll feel the pain-of-loss one way or the other. You'll need to decide whether you want to give up on F/m, or give up your girl. The bottom line is that you can't have both.

AAkasha -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 3:14:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ericpup How can I, as a sub male, survive and do so without screwing up? My fiancee is a beautiful, smart woman, who really doesn't understand that I want to be submissive to a female. She is also submissive, generally, and that is creating a gap between us. When I try to discuss BDSM in general, she kind of closes down. I've shown her my toybox, which is collecting dust under the bed, and which she has no interest in. I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking of cheating. What can I do to prevent this? Many women CAN be introduced to the idea of femdom and actually learn to enjoy it. I know dozens of women that were not interested, and now happily dominate their man -- but on their own terms. There may be a possibility to work it out with her as long as you are willing to put her needs first and be patient. Showing the toy box is a sure fire way to get ignored. Vanilla women do not respond to stereotypes of kink and get really turned off when a man asks her to be dominant while at the same time showing her his toys. There are other ways to introduce it, starting with communication that isn't so fetishy and kink oriented, and instead appealing to her sensual side. I think a great many "non kinky" women have a little dominant, sadistic streak waiting to come out; they enjoy being served, they like the attention and some even really enjoy seeing a man squirm for her pleasure. The trick is taking small steps, rather than the huge burden of the "surprise visit to the toy box." Email me on the other side for a more detailed explanation. Regardless, realize some women will never come around to it. Better to face that fact now, though. Akasha

thetammyjo -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 7:13:27 PM)
I'll side with the majority of replies at this point. Someone who isn't interested in Ds or BDSM is unlikely to be convinced otherwise and if BDSM or Ds is important you then you run a huge if you marry knowing that she isn't interested. You risk her happiness and yours. If she doesn't seem interested before the wedding I think it is unlikely she will develop an interest over time. Evaluate how important bdsm is to you. If it is an important part of your sexuality or personality, well, if I were you, I'd not get married to this woman unless you two plan to be poly and it will be ok for you get these interested fulfilled elsewhere. If that second part is true (you'll be poly and can seek elsewhere) you should know that being married is very likely to make it more difficult to find a steady dom. Most doms, male and female, that I have known, do not want to be second string which is what they would be if you are married.

PairOfDimes -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 7:26:25 PM)
How can you enjoy BDSM and maintain your relationship with a partner who won't do BDSM with you? Develop an ethically non-monogamous arrangement. Read up on polyamory and open relationships, and see if you learn anything that might help you negotiate non-monogamy with your fiancee. Present it as attractively as possible, and do have some idea of what you'll do if she says "Absolutely not." It is entirely possible for kinky people to enjoy marriages and partnerships with people who either won't do BDSM, or who don't do BDSM in a way complementary to their own approach. That's my situation, and I am happy in my partnership. But I don't think I would do it without being poly, and even as it is, it has involved a certain amount of occasionally-painful compromise and negotiation. Monica

joyinslavery -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 7:58:34 PM)
A split is always an option. It's not rocket science.

ericpup -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 8:37:19 PM)
I thank you all for your answers. I feel compelled to say that I didn't show her the toybox like, "Surprise, lets do this tonight." It was different. That being said, I really don't want to break up with this girl. She understands me and my job, (most women don't) and I'm trying to find another solution other then breaking up.

Red82 -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 8:58:53 PM)
The other option then would be to not cheat on her, and talk with her about your wants and desires.

MsKatHouston -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 9:19:38 PM)
and make sure you talk about HER wants and desires as well.

Red82 -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 9:38:46 PM)
quote: and make sure you talk about HER wants and desires as well. Yes, of course. Stupid of me to forget to add that part. Considering thats basicaly what you are seeking in the first place (you being submissive and all), you should start with her wants and desires.

subfever -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 9:39:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ericpup I feel compelled to say that I didn't show her the toybox like, "Surprise, lets do this tonight." It was different. This is the impression your OP gave me. It seems as though you've approached her gently, and more than once. If this indeed is the case, I really don't see her as a good candidate for conversion. I have no doubt that some women can be converted. However, my personal experience with attractive vanilla women who have choices in men has been that they become repelled by wussy or wimpy behavior. They don't want men who can be controlled. And just for the record, I have been very subtle in my conversion approaches.

AAkasha -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 10:32:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ericpup How can I, as a sub male, survive and do so without screwing up? My fiancee is a beautiful, smart woman, who really doesn't understand that I want to be submissive to a female. She is also submissive, generally, and that is creating a gap between us. When I try to discuss BDSM in general, she kind of closes down. I've shown her my toybox, which is collecting dust under the bed, and which she has no interest in. I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking of cheating. What can I do to prevent this? Your profile indicates that you are looking for a woman to engage in "oral, CBT, TT, and bondage." If you were intending to go behind your fiance's back and engage in these activities, to scratch the itch, and hope to still move into a longterm relationship with her, I think you might have some problems. You also should let your prospective play partners know that you are engaged! I checked your profile only after giving you the advice I did earlier today. Now that I read your profile, scratch my earlier advice. If you are already in the progress of finding a way to cheat, there's not much help that can be offered. Akasha

ericpup -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 10:37:24 PM)
Ah, I've had the same profile since waaaayyy before I met this young lady. I have just never changed it. I should though, thanks for reminding me of that. I have found an okay outlet by writing erotic stories and posting them on Alt. So far, they've helped me to "scratch the itch" without outside help. As an aside, check out the stories and tell me what you think. I will try to talk to her again, but I'm not hopeful.

temptressofsouls -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/26/2007 11:36:47 PM)
"so far, they've helped me to "scratch the itch" without outside help. " I wouldnt count on that to be a long term solution. I have seen marriages and relationships broken up over people discovering their Dom or sub side, and the other person rejecting the idea. It seems disasterous to me to enter into a relationship where you're already aware of what you are, and aware that she isnt the answer to your itch. Its not fair to either of you. Sooner or later, you'll break down...before the engagement, a week after, 8 months after, 10 years after, whatever....that need will grow too deep to resist, and you'll both be hurt. There is a reason I only date Doms. There are many wonderful vanillas out there, but it would be fair for me to think I'd be able to pull off a relationship with one.

undergroundsea -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/27/2007 8:07:09 AM)
I think here are your options: 1) Status quo or as you currently describe the state of things to be. Based on what you say, I think this option will lead to unhappiness. 2) Tell her that your BDSM interests are central to you and that you think it is better to see if this matter can be addressed before entering marriage. (a) Because of her reluctance, I think an intellectual discussion versus a sexual discussion may fare better. I am curious why she is closed to discussing the subject of BDSM--what specifically is her reservation with approaching the topic. If she is open to learning more about dominance, there is a book by Lady Green (The Sexually Dominant Woman?) that is written for an audience like your fiance. (b) Other options include exploring BDSM outside the relationship with her consent. (c) You mention she herself is submissive. If the issue becomes that she becomes open to BDSM but identifies with a submissive role, you can either see if switching is an option, or if approaching BDSM as a submissive couple is an option. 3) Another option is to recognize that there is not enough compatibility for a marriage, and seek that greater compatibility elsewhere. Cheers, Sea

slavekal -> RE: A sub male in a Vanilla relationship (4/27/2007 6:33:09 PM)
If you are not compatible, you would be making an enormous mistake by getting married. Is she submissive or straight vanilla? If she is submissive, perhaps you could both serve the same Mistress. If she has no interest in this life, you gotta move on.

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