revealing a disability (Full Version)

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Malacophonous -> revealing a disability (4/27/2007 5:52:32 PM)

I have a minor disability which can/will be corrected by surgery within the next year.  It's a new development and I'm still getting used to it myself, so I really do NOT see myself as "disabled".   I realize that the people who see me with a walking cane might diagree. My question is, at what point do you think that something of this nature should be revealed to someone who has expressed interest in me online?    I don't exactly want to wave a banner, but nor do I wish to mislead.
Your feedback  is appreciated.



minnetar -> RE: revealing a disability (4/27/2007 6:06:25 PM)

i personally would try to talk with a person a few times and get their feel on general ideas about that kind of thing.  Then i would bring it up prior to a meeting.  i would think you should always let a person know that prior to meeting them.

minnetar



SlutMuffin -> RE: revealing a disability (4/27/2007 6:14:59 PM)

I'm definitely not a Master, but i am well versed in disabilities so i'll try to answer your questions.  First, you need to know that i am a wheelchair user and have been since i was 15.  (i've been involved in the lifestyle for 10+ years.)  You mentioned that you don't view yourself as disabled, neither do i.  Neither do most of the people who are labeled "disabled".  The true handicap occurs via ignorance and stereotypes perpetuated by a society seeking the illusive ideal of perfection... whatever that may be.

It's my feeling that this sterotyping is what is stopping you from revealing your disability.  You owe it to yourself and any prospetive Dom to be completely up front about it.  If this Dom can't handle your disability, is this really someone who is worthy of your submission?  

Another thing to consider, what happens if this surgery doesn't work as well as you hope?  How do you think a prospective Dom would feel about discovering your disability, when you never once revealed it the entire year you've been talking to him?

Feel free to mail me, if you'd like to speak more privately.

Hugs,
muffin  :)



imthatacheyouhav -> RE: revealing a disability (4/27/2007 6:17:10 PM)

this is just me....but if it gets to the point that you think you may meet with someone...i would just straight up say....i walk with a cane at the moment...does that bother you?



Rayne58 -> RE: revealing a disability (4/27/2007 6:20:15 PM)

You could try saying something like, "oh btw, I have *such and such* and I walk with a cane, but I will be having surgery soon to fix this" and just play it by ear.

My Master is disabled and He told me everything up front about His renal failure and diabetes, so I had the chance to research this and decide for myself if I wanted to be involved with Him. His disabilities will never get any better, so you are lucky in that regard [:)]



minnetar -> RE: revealing a disability (4/27/2007 6:22:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rayne58

You could try saying something like, "oh btw, I have *such and such* and I walk with a cane, but I will be having surgery soon to fix this" and just play it by ear.

My Master is disabled and He told me everything up front about His renal failure and diabetes, so I had the chance to research this and decide for myself if I wanted to be involved with Him. His disabilities will never get any better, so you are lucky in that regard [:)]


that is so sweet because the bottom line is the person not their health and if you care enough nothing matters.

minnetar



Asraii -> RE: revealing a disability (4/27/2007 6:26:38 PM)

Personally, I would bring it up as soon as politly possible.



Rayne58 -> RE: revealing a disability (4/27/2007 6:28:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: minnetar

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rayne58

You could try saying something like, "oh btw, I have *such and such* and I walk with a cane, but I will be having surgery soon to fix this" and just play it by ear.

My Master is disabled and He told me everything up front about His renal failure and diabetes, so I had the chance to research this and decide for myself if I wanted to be involved with Him. His disabilities will never get any better, so you are lucky in that regard [:)]


that is so sweet because the bottom line is the person not their health and if you care enough nothing matters.

minnetar



That is so true [:)] We met online at another site and before I knew He was disabled I really liked Him as a friend. When He told me about His problems somehow it didn't seem to matter much. Over our 3 years together in r/l we've been through quite a few surgeries, hospital stays and changes in His treatment - getting through these things is much easier when there is two of you [:)]



susie -> RE: revealing a disability (4/27/2007 7:30:09 PM)

I have a disability which is hard to tell people about. You would not be able to tell from looking at me but is a difficult one for people to cope with. I chatted to people on line during my search for a Master. I waited until I felt that there was something more than casual chat and that there was a possibility of the chats leading somewhere before I told anyone. I gave them the detail and then gave them some time to research what it meant. I had many interesting responses. Some never came back and obviously blocked me straight away. Some came back and said "Sorry it is not something I can cope with" which I respected as their choice. A couple came back and said fine lets get to know each other some more. One of those is now my Master, his initial response to what I told him being "and?"

You must be prepared for people to walk away from you when you tell them because not everyone is strong enough to cope with a partner or potential partner with a disability. I remember my Mother being very upset by the attitude of people that had stopped chatting to me when I told them but I would far rather they were upfront about their feelings. If that is how they feel about something like that then they are not the sort of person I would want to know anyway.

Good luck



Kinkypupper -> RE: revealing a disability (4/27/2007 7:56:17 PM)

mt first comment is yes. they have a vested interest in knowing any issues. but first start it off my bentioning the positive side of the issue



temptressofsouls -> RE: revealing a disability (4/27/2007 8:01:42 PM)

I've got some health issues, a few which impede service from time to time-i just came out with it on my profile and if someone had a question they were free to ask more. I didnt see the point in revealing it later.

I had nothing to hide (not saying that you do), and I figured I'd let people know what they were getting into before it caused issues.



hisannabelle -> RE: revealing a disability (4/27/2007 8:11:45 PM)

greetings malacophonous,

i am really up front about my condition...i have a full disclosure policy ;) i'm pretty open about what is going on with regards to treatment, surgery, etc. as well. i've just found that since i'm comfortable talking about it and since it is an issue for some people, it's best to be up front.

annabelle.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: revealing a disability (4/27/2007 8:15:55 PM)

quote:


i am really up front about my condition...i have a full disclosure policy ;) i'm pretty open about what is going on with regards to treatment, surgery, etc. as well. i've just found that since i'm comfortable talking about it and since it is an issue for some people, it's best to be up front.

annabelle.


Honey with your hotness and intelligence, I think it would take a pack of wild dogs to keep someone yummy from trying to be with you.



Focus50 -> RE: revealing a disability (4/28/2007 4:50:18 AM)

I also have a rather unique disability a potential partner needs to know *before* attachments are formed.  I generally leave it till after a first r/l meeting but have also discussed it just prior if that first meeting involves long distance travel.  But if that first meeting goes well and we'd like to see each other again, that's when I tell her what she needs to know....  None have balked but that doesn't stop if from being * MY* disability and consequently will affect both of us.
 
However, it's definitely not up for discussion with online strangers.  Unless you're looking to progress to r/l, it's not their business.  And from my perspective, it's one thing if I ask for some reason but it irks me when strangers wanna start talking about their ailments and meds etc as a matter of conversation.
 
Focus.



RavenMuse -> RE: revealing a disability (4/28/2007 5:53:05 AM)

I had My spinal arthritis mentioned on My profile. I am not ashamed of it, it doesn't stop Me doing many things but it can be a factor so I don't hide it. Currently I am not seeking, so I think it is only currently mentioned on My IC profile but I don't hide it.

At least mentioning it on My profile ment those for whom it would be a problem where disuaided from looking at Me as a potential... good, saved Me time and effort. There are PLENTY of people out there that will look past such minor things at what is important... who you ARE.



maybemaybenot -> RE: revealing a disability (4/28/2007 6:55:28 AM)

I have a chronic illness too. I don't think I can catorgorize it as a disability at this time, but it may become one some day. If I am interested in some one, after getting to know them a bit, I fully disclose it and explain how it affects certain types of play and how if affects me physically as a whole. I also let them know what the future may hold when I come out of remission or have a flare up of my symptoms.

A few people have decided to not progress any further than friendship, and really, that is perfectly fine with me. I disclose it during the talking stage, so I do it before I have any emotional attachment.

                      mbmbn



Satyr6406 -> RE: revealing a disability (4/28/2007 7:13:49 AM)

A couple of people have said "right on the profile" and that was my "gut reaction". I would tend to agree with that but, as a "pressure valve", I propose: your first response to any e-mail that expresses ANY kind of interest.
 
Here's why: I was probably only into my first or second instant messenger conversation with a young lady, when she informs me of herpes. Now, while there wasn't a huge emotional investment, about 3 hours of my time was wasted and that is NOT acceptible. It's not always about the convenience of the person with the "secret". Had I known the situation, from the onset, I would have chosen to spend my time in other ways. I was denied that opportunity. It's dishonest and manipulative.
 
 
 
 
 
Peace and comfort,
 
 
 
 
 
Michael



puzzle -> RE: revealing a disability (4/28/2007 8:08:45 AM)

It's interesting that no one mentioned illnesses other than physical. I have ADD and I am usually obliged to explain that I'm not psychotic or homocidal.

It's such a chore to have to explain the journey I've been on.

I suppose that it's human to be repelled by what we don't understand.....or don't want to understand......



hisannabelle -> RE: revealing a disability (4/28/2007 8:33:40 AM)

greetings puzzle,

actually, mine are both mental and physical, and my policy's the same for both. i understand what you mean about having to explain you're not psychotic *hugs*

luckyalbatross, you gorgeous girl, that gave me the biggest smile to start my day.

annabelle.



RavenMuse -> RE: revealing a disability (4/28/2007 8:36:05 AM)

I had a playpartner with ADD. Made things interesting... but usualy in a good way. Did it mean I needed to be a bit more understanding and take that into account with how I handled things, sure.... but no more so than with other personality traits girls have that need to be taken into account. ADD isn't a 'problem'.... unless you make it into one. Same with Most 'disabilitys'



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