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how to make (become) a dom - 4/28/2007 8:59:25 AM

amyndlyn

Posts: 10
Joined: 4/27/2007
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I have a question and am not sure this is the proper place but here goes: I am new to this lifestyle and it was a long time ago that I was in a relationship that was male dominated, I was in it for several months and it ended up being a predator (sp) relationship. By the time he was done, my credit cards were maxxed out to the damage of about ten thou. My self esteem and life was in shambles and I left not for myself but to protect my child. Before that time and Since that time, I have never trusted anyone with the fact that I am a submissive. My spouse is the only man I have ever trusted enough to tell him who I am and what I would like in our relationship. He was in a 22 year marriage, with a cold woman who was not there for him at all and not only did not understand him about viet nam, but treated him like he was less for havimng been a soldier then. He never ever dealt with the issues from Viet nam until I came into his life.
I am somewhat of an empath as well as dealing with PTSS myself. So I have relieved alot of issues he had never dealt with. He is an honorable person (as am I) with many committments. He says that he desires a DOM/sub relationship, but isn't quite sure of how. He has 22 yrs. in the military and was a MSG (E9)
He could lead armies but has a very hard time with the civialians that work for him. I, on the other hand, would just fire them and go from there....I feel like he lets people use him unjustly and have a very hard time waiting for him to deal with it. In the intro section, I got several suggestions, but feel this might be a more proper place to ask questions. I knowe this is long, sorry, we have been married for 12 years, together for 16. Most of that time he was in the military and I was in for a while too.
So our private life was very sporatic and now is complicated with caring for his mom and dad, and our ten year old son. Since we both have grown children, our son is the second family and we adore him and we have raised him in such a caring loving enviroment (learning from past mistakes or overcompensating) that he believes our only purpose in life is to meet his every need. He is a loving sensitive caring child and our gift from god. (another long story) So don't get me wrong, he is not a selfish person, just likes to control us (LOL, maybe he'll be a dom when he growes up.) You couldn't ask for a better child or a mother-in-law either. But we are very limited in both time and privacy. I have tried a few things to help my spouse understand my needs and to help him fulfill his. He very much wants to have control of his life and ours, but is so well-trained in being "nice" and controlled, he is having a hard time. We are making progress but very slowly and I have tried writing stories to explain what we could do but he misunderstood what I wanted and thought I wanted someone else, NOT! How can I show him what He/i need. PS: when I give him an idea of how something should happen, he mulls it over for several months and then comes up with it as his own idea....but at that rate, it will be years and we will be "old"

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RE: how to make (become) a dom - 4/28/2007 9:41:26 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
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amyndlyn, Not dumping on your post. It is long and rambling. Could you distill all of this down to an actual question? Would be glad to offer an answer, just not sure exactly what you are looking for.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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RE: how to make (become) a dom - 4/28/2007 10:04:40 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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"How to make a dom"

First, you go to home depot. They have special kits available ranging from the inexperienced to the advanced.

Now, remember...Make sure you read ALL the directions properly and follow them to the letter.

/nods earnestly

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RE: how to make (become) a dom - 4/28/2007 11:05:53 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
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Sounds like firstly you two would benefit from discussing whether a D/s relationship is something that you both definitely want and then you can start discussing what a d/s dynamic for the two of you would include. It sounds like you have a lot of family/carer needs however it is important whether vanilla or d/s to set aside some time just for the two of you each week.

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RE: how to make (become) a dom - 4/28/2007 12:09:08 PM

Milivoje

Posts: 57
Joined: 7/17/2005
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EDIT:

... forget it...

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RE: how to make (become) a dom - 4/28/2007 2:02:40 PM

myobedience

Posts: 472
Joined: 1/28/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

"How to make a dom"

First, you go to home depot. They have special kits available ranging from the inexperienced to the advanced.

Now, remember...Make sure you read ALL the directions properly and follow them to the letter.

/nods earnestly

This is so not kind to a newbie poster and someone who is really sincere IM. Could ya not be so mean? Try it, you might like it.

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RE: how to make (become) a dom - 4/28/2007 2:14:02 PM

IrishMist

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myobedience, you want to pick a bone with me, fine; take it to the other side and I am more than willing to go round and round with you.

You want to keep it here, thats fine too; up till now, I have been nice but I am more than willing to let loose right here on the boards.

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RE: how to make (become) a dom - 4/28/2007 2:43:01 PM

WhiplashSmile

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Well since he is well-trained in being "nice" and controlled, he's already Mastered something great. That is self control this is important for any Dom.   In terms of your relationship dynamics outside the bedroom, it sounds like you two have been growing together as a couple, like my grand father always said "If it's not Broke don't try to fix it".

I believe what you are getting at in your post is for Him to feel comfortable in Role Playing Out BDSM in the bedroom. Where he becomes or acts out the part of the Master taking control, telling you what to do, when to do it.. Where he takes the TOP and you have the bottom.   If this is the case, you need to Talk about it simply being a "Role Playing" game.  That you two will be acting out fantasies and letting loose.   He does not need to sell his soul off to the devil and stop becoming the well-trained "nice" and controlled guy that he is.

Look at it like this.. Life inside and outside of the BDSM/Sex scene play box.   Where on the outside he is the loving caring person you so much adore.   Inside the Box he simply Acts out the Wicked Bad Man Role.   It's a bit of a mental thing for him to cross at first.   He needs to understand that this is what you want from him, that you value this as much as you do Love and Affection. In fact him doing nasty hot things to you is a form of Love in itself.

I'm ranting here for what it's worth.   In terms of work and other areas, he may need to work at more self awareness. It sounds like you have been able to get him to open up a little more, keep on doing what you have been. Communication works wonders.

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RE: how to make (become) a dom - 4/28/2007 7:52:19 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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So what you are saying is that for him to be a real dom he has to do things by your schedule and not by his. How about you stop telling him what to do and allow him to control the pace. Because right now you aren't acting very submissive and this will prevent him from domming you since by your behavior you are not consenting to his domination.

Now if you are talking about play and that you want it harder and heavier, then here too stop telling him what to do. Instead by grateful for what he gives you, tell him how much you adore his spankings (or whatever) and beg him to do it harder and longer the next time.

You are more likely to inspire him to act dominantly if you act submissively, which from your post you aren't.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

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