Emmmrld
Posts: 57
Joined: 4/21/2005
From: Las Vegas, Nevada
Status: offline
|
I'm not the "normal" woman by any sense - vanilla or kink.
I appriciate your view on the financial damages that divorce causes a man. I've had the pleasure of dating men who were divorced and we couldn't to much of anything because of an ex who was demanding x amount in her account monthly. Or it made them not want to committ because of her evil doing. Gee thanks, just love being lumped in with butt munches who have not personal ethics and are greedy!
I know I'm not the norm, but my view point is this - I AM a capable human being who has morals, a concious, and standards. I know how to provide for myself, I'm single aren't I? and doing it. What I have to take to the marriage I would expect to take with me should I leave, the same with him. The stuff we accquire together, to me it's just material stuff, I can always get again. I didn't need a man's income to provide for myself and I woldn't want that should I get divorced. But then, I'm from a different school of logic where I know you won't always agree, conflict will happen. It's how you deal with it that determines your success or demise.
If there are children it's simple you either want to be a dad and part of their life or you don't. If you do, I would expect help with things like scoutting uniforms/dues, ballet shoes, etc as well as sharing other parenting duties like custody. Things you'd help with had we stayed together. If you don't want to be part of your kids life - that's fine but no changing your mind later, wait until they are 18 to make contact. I honestly don't think that's a horrible attitude to splitting things up.
I am also the grandchild of a VERY BITTER divorce. A woman I should call grandma and don't, is in my opinion evil incarnate. The things she did to my grandfather, father and aunt and uncles in the divorce process are WAY beyond what is allowed today. And you know she may have divorced my grandpa but she continued to take it out on my dad and then one day my brother and I. So I'm VERY aware of how horrible a divorce can be.
I'd like to briefly mention that not all men are the "big bread winner". What about the woman who makes more and has to pay his lifestyle expenses? Liz Taylor, granted has been married several times, is a wealthy woman.
Northern California is where I call home. You know, I know a woman whose ex husband doesn't pay her alimony - he makes less than her. He also ran up credit cards and she got stuck paying the bills. Because of what he did at the end of the marriage it made it so she couldn't buy a home due to the credit rating. She's been repairing credit damage he did to her. This isn't a one sided deal that only the man gets screwed.
It's call human decency and having morals and ethics. There just are some bad people, men or women, out there. People who are greedy and don't care about how they harm someone they once loved enough to marry.
quote:
Marriage seems to be more a relationship GOAL for a woman. Men see the relationship itself as a goal. On the surface it doesn't appear to be a significant difference. Except, and here is were long ago personal experience rears it's ugly head, once the goal is obtained for woman they commonly see the "race won" and the competition over. Once the tape is broken at the end of the race, few continue to "train". There is no distinction here, vanilla or lifestyle, I've seen it happen. There's a joke that best illustrates the point. "Why is a bride smiling when she's walking down the aisle?" - "Because she knows she given the LAST blow job she'll ever have to give."
Men fall deeply in love with woman and marry them hoping they'll never change. Hoping that the fantastic relationship that caused him to feel drawn to marry her would only evolve to something even stronger after marriage. Woman commonly say, I'll change him once we're married. I'm make him dress different. I'll get him to help with the cleaning. I'll cut down his nights out with the guys.
First of all for me, it's not a relationship GOAL. (reasons for marriage below) You know I've heard that about the blow job, not only as the joke but from actual guys. In my opinion you either give head or you don't. You either like anal or you don't. If you stop giving head after marriage you should have stopped when he committed himself to you so he'd get a better sense of who you are. I think that women who behave this way are just as bad as the "player" men out there. It's not right, but that wont' make it stop happening.
The best way I could sum that up would be to share an evening with some old friends, we had a game night. The couple that hosted it had had twins. On game night the kids went to grandma and grandpa's. She used to play with us but used it as time to read, soak in a bath, or down time. One game night I showed up about an hour early and when I got there I said "I'm sorry I'm early, I'm not interupting sex or something am I?". They both looked at each other and laughed and said "we're married, and we have twins, we don't have sex any more". That weighed on my mind all night. Well later that evening I shared this with the rest of the group (which were all guys) and I just blurted out "the thing that scares me the most about marriage and kids is that the I'll loose my sex drive - that would be bad, that can't happen!". As we all walked to our cars two of the guys stopped me and said "you know, you aren't a normal girl." I looked at them a bit confused, while I already knew this it was like huh? "Most women don't care if they loose their sex drives after marriage and kids, that's what's different". I looked at them and said "gentlmen, despite what people say sex is important in any relationship, and if you can't maintain a good sex life with your partner your doomed to fail." They smiled and we all got in our cars. Of course this lead to future evenings of chatting about sex etc.
I don't date someone thinking I'll change them. It doesn't work. You accept them for who they are, and they you. It's a two way street. As for the dress different - well if he complains of not getting promoted and such and he dresses like a dork then I may mention that he may want to try dressing for success to see if that helps. As for cleaning, I may be a submissive, but I can't do it all. Any man worth having will know that. I've never understood the "he's going out with his friends" ...um ok go have fun, I'm going out with the girls. Now that's what usually gets them. "You aren't staying home?" Um no. Just like he has his friends I have mine.
Another fine example of accepting someone for who they are is when I first moved here a gentleman was interested in dating me. After two dates I told him I wasn't interested. He asked why. I said we weren't compatable. He pushed the issue on wanting to know why and this is what I told him: "I'm wise enough to know that I won't ever change you. There are some personal hygene issues I'm not ok with." This prompted him to want to know what and so I told him that he has unkept facial hair, his teeth look like they are not brushed in a week, and when he says to dress up becase we are going out some where nice, and I'm dressed to the 9's and he's in flip flops and jeans that is not what I considered nice. He had excuses / reasons for all of the things. So I told him, "exactly my point. You have reasons for all of this, which is fine, you asked I told you, I just know I'm not going to change those things, and I'm not ok with them".
quote:
Just as you should take an honest and hard look and assess your motives when you want to be a slave, submissive, Master, Mistress, Dom or Domme; you must take the same honest assessment prior to becoming a spouse. Why is marriage a goal? Commitment? Social Acceptance? Family Acceptance? Personal Identity? What are the anticipated changes in your day to day relationship with the other person? What will be better? How? Are your motives selfish?
Marriage isn't a goal. Getting my degree is a goal. Marriage is an enhancement to life. I may never get married. I don't want to grow old alone. My biggest fear is being an Aunt to all my friends kids and my brother putting me in a home when I'm 80. When I was 12 I was in a youth group and we adopted a lady out of a nursing home. We'd take group trips to see her and make her cards etc. We were encouraged to write to her indipendantly. Out of 15 girls I was the only one that did so regularly. She was 78 years old, and never had kids. No one visited her or wrote to her. The joy and happiness that woman felt by me taking a moment to write will live with me forever. I was one of 3 girls to go to her funeral, when she passed at 90 something.
My desire is not out of societies norms, family pressures or anything other than personal experience of seeing how lonely a person can get in old age when they have no one.
I want to be married for companionship. I enjoy cooking and baking and all those homemaker activities. I hate coming home to an empty house, to a TV for company. I don't like cooking for myself. I'd like someone to travel with. Someone who will share in my joys and be a shoulder in my sorrows and I for him. Last week I got so excited, I got an A in one of my classes and the people I had to call were my parents and some friends. Which is wonderful, don't get me wrong. Just wish I had someone special to share that initial excitment with. Is that selfish? I don't think so. I think it's basic human needs of wanting companionship.
I want to be a mom. I helped raise my best friends little girl for the first 2 years of her life. She'll be 5 at the end of the month. I love her as if she were my own. Trust me I don't look forward to the blow out diappers, vomit, crying, etc. What I look forward too is seeing something that I created with someone out of love, grow, and experience the world for the first time. It helps you remember the things you take for granted, IMHO.
My family has been the one telling me "you don't need a husband or bf, wait til you are done with school. If there aren't any good guys, you can adopt.". My family is very supportive of me doing what I want and what will make me happy. I'm VERY fortunate.
quote:
Why not let it happen and let the person you are in a relationship be that sure about you?
Um I thought that's generally how it went. I don't want to be a fuck buddy. I want someone there to grow and experience stuff with. But I also don't want to waist my time either. If a guy knows he won't ever be married and hates kids, why waiste my time? I'm not going to change that. I'd be a fool to think I will date a man and after investing years of my life that he'll change his mind on marriage - he won't.
What's so wrong with wanting to spend time getting to know each other? Building a solid foundation? What's wrong with stating that eventually you want to be settled down and have a family? I don't think anything is wrong with those things.
*shrug* I generally don't play causually. I genrally don't have causal sex. I'm just not into slam bam thank you ma'am. It's amazing to me how many so called dominants want to play the first time or two they meet you. I'm sorry but you can NOT possibly know enough about me to ensure a safe play environement for me. Everytime I do it's not a positive experience for me - so why continue doing it? Seems that to get to the committed relationship part these days you need to be willing to play casually / have causal sex. I have sick twisted fantasies I'd love to live out ... but it requires trusting someone a great deal. I just don't trust someone to that level after one date. *shrug*
Em
|
RE: LTR doesn't mean LTR for all. - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread