stella40
Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MariaB
But is there a core element?
I am experienced with Dommes over 22 years (all my adult life).
Yes there is a core element which manifests itself in one of two ways. If you define dominant as an emotional need to control and dominate you will find that almost all Dommes fall into one of two categories. The first are the natural Dommes, who are simply hardwired to be dominant. This is their true nature. The second are what I would describe as 'acquisition' Dommes. This means they have become dominant as a result of some external influence in their pasts, which is quite often being abused as a child or being the victim of domestic violence. Being dominant and having control for many of them is the only way they can have a successful happy relationship. You can find many excellent and fantastic Dommes from either of these groups, but I have found the bad Dommes tend to come from the second group. This can be for a number of reasons, for example they have a lot of bitterness, anger and inner frustration resulting from past experiences which needs to be channelled into more positive forms of expression, for which BDSM is ideal. However it takes an experienced submissive to be able to help them, and as any experienced Domme will tell you, finding such a submissive isn't as straightforward as it seems.
quote:
ORIGINAL: MariaB
By that I mean is there a basic desire regarding the D/s side that is the same for most subs.
BDSM encompasses a very wide range of human behaviour and so it would be very hard if not impossible to identify a common desire which applies to most subs. You get two loose classifications when it comes to subs, service type subs and play type subs, but then again you get subs into both service and play. The degree of submission sought by the sub ranges from very soft sub dom foreplay to 24/7/365 TPE total control.
I think the most universal principle which can be applied to subs when working out why they desire to be submissive is that they are usually motivated to submit by one particular aspect of BDSM. Many are motivated by the loss of control, many are also motivated by restraint, masochists tend to be motivated by the prospect of receiving pain, many male submissives are motivated by the thought of being humiliated, transvestites and sissies are motivated by the thought of feminisation, and so on.
quote:
ORIGINAL: MariaB
How long does it take you to work out if this person is going to be able to dominate you or not?
I can usually work out whether a Domme is competent or not within 200 or so words of written or spoken communication, within 500-1,000 whether she is able to dominate me or not but whether she will dominate me or not takes much longer.
This is something I cannot adequately explain, it's like a kind of sixth sense, intuition, it's something I can sense and feel from any contact I have with a Domme. A lot of it has to do with how I'm approached by a Domme.
I have been lucky enough to know what I want and be able to express it on a profile. I've also been lucky on Collarme, the ratio between Dommes approaching me to me approaching Dommes has been roughly 4:1.
quote:
ORIGINAL: MariaB
and what was your reasons for deciding this dominant was not for you?
I've spent about two and a half years looking for a Domme, I am based in the UK, I was prepared to relocate, so my potential area for looking for a Domme took in most of the European Union. However I've ended up with a Domme in the United States.
What were my reasons? Any Domme who assumed on first contact that I was submissive, who addressed me as 'girl', 'slut', 'slave' was politely but very firmly rejected. Any Domme who assumed she was my Mistress on the second message was also immediately rejected. Genuine Dommes never have to demand respect, nor do they ever have to assert their authority. Authority is part of who they are and respect is something they get anyway, so it's not usually an issue for them.
When I was approached by a genuine Domme I would study her profile, her journal entries and any postings she posted, looking for the following answers:
1. What motivates this Domme to dominate? Who is she looking for?
2. What sort of relationship does this Domme want? What are her interests? How does she express her needs and desires to dominate? Can I fulfil such needs? Can I accept her interests?
3. Can this Domme fulfil my needs as a person and a submissive through the fulfilment of her own needs?
4. What are the practical implications of such a relationship? How can I fulfil them?
Basically I started doing my homework and using the information I got from her profile to ask her questions and find out why she had a profile on Collarme, why she had approached me and what exactly was she looking for out of our relationship. I would then try to discover 'the woman behind the Domme', to try and get to know her, establish a rapport, friendship, and work towards establishing trust and confidence. Sometimes we would realise after some correspondence that she would be better served with a different sub or that I needed another Domme. This is my basic strategy.
However there were factors and important issues. I am a transsexual female, so for me her gender perception of me was an extremely important issue early on. I am female and expect to be regarded as such. For many Dommes this was too difficult an issue.
Then there were other factors. Relocation. Half the Dommes who have approached me have been from the United States. Many have wanted me to be their housegirl or maid. I often wondered if there were no maids or submissives in the States. I am an experienced maid. However I've been there, done it, got the T-shirt, and I was wanting to move onto enslavement. Maids are respected, but they aren't loved. Slaves can be loved. If I wanted to remain a maid I can find a Domme in the UK willing to take me on.
Other factors included lies, deception, unrealistic expectations and conflicts that couldn't be resolved.
quote:
ORIGINAL: MariaB
Putting away the word trust, what are the key things you need to feel from a prospective dominant?
Confidence and acceptance of who I really am. Openness and honesty. I also need to feel that a Domme is being herself.
quote:
ORIGINAL: MariaB
When you initially speak to a dominant do you need to feel an immediate desire to submit or could that come at a later date?
I feel that should come at a later date. A couple of months ago I made a posting entitled 'when should I start showing my Domme my submission' and I was criticised by many Dommes for not showing it immediately. But after some thought and reflection over my experience I realised that I am more submissive to a Domme I really know and who knows me where there's mutual trust and confidence in each other.
I do have an initial desire to submit to a Domme and I let her know this but I realise that submission is a process which should involve my Domme each and every step of the way and it is through this process that I can prove that I am worthy and deserving of my Domme's attention, time and effort.
quote:
ORIGINAL: MariaB
How many dominants did you speak to or even try with before finding the right one?
Hmm. This time? Over the two years? Correspondence with about 20 Dommes in the UK, Poland, the United States, Sweden, New Zealand, Holland, and Ireland. Meetings with about 14 Dommes in the UK. 1 unsuccessful relationship lasting a month.
quote:
ORIGINAL: MariaB
And what was it about that special one that got inside your head?
You know it was funny. I had come out of the unsuccessful relationship a couple of weeks before, I revised my profile into something of an essay looking for a harder Domme. I get a message which read 'you have an interesting profile', I go to the profile and see the photo.It was her eyes. Her face. I read her profile. She wanted a live in slave, she was from Mississippi. 'Oh yeah' I thought. I wrote back, interested, she wrote back, I wrote back to her, meanwhile I was doing my homework, then I saw one of her photos.It stopped me dead. Originally she wanted a live in slave to do housework and look after her child. This quickly changed, on her side as well as mine. She took on board the fact that I am an established playwright and stage director, she is a successful artist. She sent me information about herself, explained what she was about, what she was looking for. She sent me her story - she survived Katrina and saved the lives of eight children and her elderly mother and she wanted to be with me.
I am lucky. My Domme is a truly phenomenal woman. I am 40. Something like this happens only once in your life. I am lucky to recognise this, I am lucky to know her, I am lucky that she wants to share her life with me.
We contact each other daily by IM, e-mail, sometimes Collarme messages. I am working to progress further in my transition and relocate to the States to be with her.
But what was it that was special that got inside my head? It's not just that she accepts me for who I really am. It was the simple fact that she quickly found my mind, got inside my head and told me what I was looking for in much better words than I could have expressed myself. And then she told me that she had always dreamed of having such a submissive share her life.
She also knows me, accepts me for who I really am, she understands me, and though she's still on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, she can read my thoughts and feel my moods. The effort she puts into our relationship is amazing, and its her influence and her influence alone which has introduced so many colours to my life.
< Message edited by stella40 -- 5/16/2007 7:50:21 PM >
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I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)
If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
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RE: Is there a core element ? - 
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