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Is it possible to have a relationship that's autocratic in stucture, but egalitarian in aim?


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Is it possible to have a relationship that's autocratic... - 5/1/2007 2:41:00 PM   
Aristogeiton


Posts: 6
Joined: 4/29/2007
Status: offline 		I'll lead this off with a quote from a blog:

[quote=submissive proud] being head of the household means that you make the important decisions and your decisions are final, including deciding what your husband is allowed to decide on his own. Where you disagree, he defers to your decision. [/quote]

I would agree with this, and think it is one of the definitions of submision.  What I am unconfortable with, however, is this:

[quote= submissive proud] As head of the household you should indulge your own judgment, opinions, and priorities. You act on your own beliefs and values whenever the facts are unknown, insufficient, inadequate, or differently perceived. He must subordinate his judgment, opinions, and priorities to yours [/quote]
I would agree that the dominant should indulge his or her judgment over that of the submissive.  What I find a problem with is the notion that the submissive should subordinate his or her opinions and priorities.  For my own relationships, anyway, I think that submission should mean submitting to the authority and judgment of another, but only if their judgments are made in the best interests of both individuals, and not just the dominant.  Does a dominant owe anything to his or her submissive?  Should a dominant's priorities only be his or her own, or should they seek to maximize the wellbeing of both individuals in the relationship?  The answer to this question, I suspect, will be different for each couple, and given the aspersion most of society would have for my own sexual and relationship practices, I am hardly one to throw stones at anyone else.  So, I'm not so much asking what would be right, since ach individual and couple can only come to that decision on their own, but I do want to know if a relationship like I described, autocratic in structure (that is, the dominant makes the decisions), but egalitarian in aim (that is, the dominant attempts to secure the wellbeing of both parties) exists in this community.

To bring a concrete example to this theoretical reasoning, I have often been torn between my submission and the other aspects of my life.  I have a rewarding career, a passion for interactive entertainment, a voracious appetite for philosophy books, and an interest in politics.  If I am to enter this lifestyle, must I leave all this behind, and mire myself in menial labor that only benefits my dom?  If the answer to the question posed on the topic is no, then this answer is yes.  But if there is such a thing, then I suspect my dom, cognizant of how important each of those facets of my personality are to me, will allow me to keep them.



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RE: Is it possible to have a relationship that's autocr... - 5/1/2007 2:48:12 PM   
szobras


Posts: 435
Joined: 9/18/2006
Status: offline 		(the dominant attempts to secure the wellbeing of both parties)
IMO, if this is not what I am doing for the relationship, then what am I in relation to other than myself.

(in reply to Aristogeiton)
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RE: Is it possible to have a relationship that's autocr... - 5/1/2007 2:53:53 PM   
smilingjaguar


Posts: 271
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aristogeiton
So, I'm not so much asking what would be right, since ach individual and couple can only come to that decision on their own, but I do want to know if a relationship like I described, autocratic in structure (that is, the dominant makes the decisions), but egalitarian in aim (that is, the dominant attempts to secure the wellbeing of both parties) exists in this community.


Yes.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aristogeiton
If I am to enter this lifestyle, must I leave all this behind, and mire myself in menial labor that only benefits my dom?


No, you don't.  It may take more time, but not every dom wants to take everything from a sub.  If you find the right dom for you, they will understand the importance of these things to you and will find a way to work with it.  Most doms I have talked to like having a sub that has their own interests and something to bring to the table.  It's just a matter of finding the right fit.

< Message edited by smilingjaguar -- 5/1/2007 3:01:13 PM >

(in reply to Aristogeiton)
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RE: Is it possible to have a relationship that's autocr... - 5/1/2007 2:58:23 PM   
LadyMorghanna


Posts: 17
Joined: 4/23/2007
Status: offline 		It seems to me that if a relationship is to be successful, the needs and wants of both members need to be considered. The sub, heck anyone, will soon come to resent the other when their wants and needs not being considered in the relationship.

(in reply to szobras)
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RE: Is it possible to have a relationship that's autocr... - 5/1/2007 3:06:13 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		It is easily possible for me to make any and all decisions relative to a 'household' and be safe in knowing that those decisions are sound and will not be harmful to any of the members of the household.

But allowing all members of the household to give an opinion is an opportunity to view a situation differently.  It is possible a 'better' decision could be made with this input.

As long as the members of the household agree that there will be one person making the final decisions (the authority figure), it doesn't really matter from whence the 'best idea' came.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Aristogeiton)
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RE: Is it possible to have a relationship that's autocr... - 5/1/2007 3:09:32 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I tend to find most consensual intimate relationships work best in the long term if people are encouraged to speak openly and fully. 

That being said, there are exceptions and there's no need for this to be a universal law.

Heck I screen most of my opinions about most things in the world about 90% of the time- it's very nice to be able to not worry about that in my own intimate relationship.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mstrjx)
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RE: Is it possible to have a relationship that's autocr... - 5/1/2007 4:39:13 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		greetings aristogeiton,

just because you are submissive, you do not necessarily have to surrender all your hopes and dreams to be in a d/s relationship. you simply have to choose a partner with whom you are compatible, who is open to allowing you to pursue those priorities and goals, or make cutting that part of your life out a "hard limit," so to speak. there's nothing wrong with wanting to do that; i'm sure there are plenty of dominants who would be happy with that.

however, i don't necessarily think of it as not protecting the submissive's interest if a dominant is NOT interested in allowing her to pursue the goals she already had planned for her life. let me put it this way...i chose to get involved with someone who approved of what i want to do with my life, but i gave myself over to his ownership completely, so he can change those plans at his whim. i wouldn't necessarily consider that on his part to mean that he no longer considers what's best for me in the relationship; i also chose to get involved with someone i trust enough to act with my well-being in mind even when i myself may not be able to see that.

that said, i do consider our relationship to be autocratic. i'm expected to speak up, give opinions, tell him what i want, etc. i am simply expected to accept the fact that his decisions are final, period, end of story. i give him information, and i damn well better give him information, by sharing my opinions, beliefs, and viewpoints...and often those end up being incorporated into the decision making process. i'm simply not allowed to whine and bitch and i don't allow myself to walk away when they aren't ;)

annabelle.


_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to Aristogeiton)
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RE: Is it possible to have a relationship that's autocr... - 5/1/2007 4:59:55 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		Hello Aristogeiton...yes, it is possible to have an autocratic relationship in D/s.  For myself, I want to hear what a submissive thinks regarding many topics and I want to guide her to where she wants to be and to be the best that she can be.  However, I expect for her to understand that I will and do have the final say.  As mstrjx said, as long as the people involved in the relationship understand who has the final decision...it doesn't really matter where the "best idea" came from.

Where some relationships break down in this important step is when the dominant becomes despotic rather than autocratic when that is not what the submissive signed up for or when the submissive decides that, because this time he chose to institute a pathway different than what she thought it should be (( and not because he truly picked something that would physically/mentally/emotionally/financially harm her...I want to make that clear distinction here), he can no longer be even autocratic or have a say in this area of her life.  She would understand during the initial conversation regarding this that it works this way for me and she would, as annable put it, ..." simply not (be) allowed to whine and bitch and... allow herself to walk away when they aren't (done her way)



(in reply to Aristogeiton)
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RE: Is it possible to have a relationship that's autocr... - 5/1/2007 7:23:45 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, it is possiable to have a D/s relationship that is autocratic in stucture and egalitarian in aim.  I think many people in fact practice this type of D/s relationship structure and it keeps things together.

(in reply to Aristogeiton)
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RE: Is it possible to have a relationship that's autocr... - 5/1/2007 8:28:37 PM   
KindMasterB


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/28/2004
Status: offline 		The way I like to look at things, it's a democracy, only it's one in which I get two votes.  So you still have the debate/discussion, and then when all is said and done, a vote is cast.  And I prevail.  Look at it from a political science point of view: it's impossible to have a majority vote between two people.  It's either unanimous, or there's a difference.  And I've found with much experience that if I cast my two votes carefully and (mostly) unselfishly, the fact that the conclusion of the disagreement is a foregone one means that the disagreements are much more pleasant and less acrimonious.  Most submissives in a TPE situation want to be indulged occasionally, but also yearn to be denied.  It helps them to feel more controlled, more dominated.  And a wise dominant bears this in mind and keeps a good balance between indulgence and denial.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)
Profile   Post #: 10
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