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ahhh catch-22 - 5/1/2007 6:19:03 PM

Herodotus

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/1/2007
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     Been trying to get my head around this concept for awhile. A bit of background: was active in the bdsm community for a number of years: munches, parties, classes, you name it. After time, I came to the conclusion that being alone in all this was more painful than beneficial. So, that ended things for me.
    Now the Catch-22: I miss things a lot, and would like to get back into it, but still know that being alone in groups such as munches et al is still the same experience that convinced me to get out. And knowing the make-upof the groups in the area it doesn't appear that the lone status is likely to change.
    I know all the cliche answers to the situation, and also know that I can't be the only one who's ever worked through this sort of thing.
    Thoughts?

Post #: 1

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/1/2007 6:24:17 PM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

You don't build relationships. Look inward and try to figure out why. If you get a handle on what it is, work to change it.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to Herodotus)

Post #: 2

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/1/2007 6:29:31 PM

BondageTopJere

Posts: 170
Joined: 8/22/2006
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I've experienced the same thing myself. As much as others like to suggest, and I include myself in this, that going to munches and other social gatherings is a good thing, by and large the people who really enjoy tend to already be couples/trios. The pain of being alone you can tamp down, ignore, etc when your going about your vanilla life. Actually being around relatively happy couples brings all that pain out front and center. I myself can only stand about an hour or less of it before I ended up splitting.

Honestly, I think your best bet might be to hit up someone on CM to go with you. Going by your profile, Id suggest either straight Domme, straight male sub, or a gay Dom, as these three types/kinds of kinksters are diametrically the opposite of you and will not be after the same partner your seek. You've got someone to talk to and enjoygoing with wihout either the pain of going alone or having to deal with a one-sided attraction on either your part or theirs

(in reply to Herodotus)

Post #: 3

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/1/2007 6:30:44 PM

mstrjx

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Joined: 11/27/2005
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Back when I started, I would join groups during my 'single' times. Usually my partners didn't want to be 'out', which was fine with me. (Although one partner and I were in a 'couples' group.)

I probably felt similarly as you in some respects. Being the outsider is sort of a drag, and if there weren't anyone there I was interested in knowing as a partner, it could be construed as a 'waste of time'.

Even though I wasn't noticing anyone, I didn't realize that 'I' was being noticed. A couple asked me to join them (in playing with 'her'), which they didn't do with others. The three of us would play at every party. Thus, a positive reputation for myself grew.

Partner or no partner, that was worthwhile for me.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Herodotus)

Post #: 4

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/1/2007 7:09:52 PM

spanklette

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Joined: 2/22/2005
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There is a lovely submissive in our area that has the same quandary. She has chosen to attend munches with us, and let people assume what they will. It doesn't ease the part about not being in a relationship, but it does give you that cohesive feeling that you have an inner circle within the group to turn to.

I don't know if that's much help, but it is her solution for the time being.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to Herodotus)

Post #: 5

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/1/2007 7:21:55 PM

MstrssPassion

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Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
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I actually found the opposite to be true...

I found that being with someone who was not right for me to be painful so I elected to remain single for a period of about 7 years. This seemed to bother those around me far more than it bothered me. I was constantly being set up. They meant well but it was their insistence that I partner up that caused me to pull back from public events.

I have since this time met a wonderful person & we've been living together for nearly 3 yrs now.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to Herodotus)

Post #: 6

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/1/2007 7:49:13 PM

CrazyC

Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
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Completely understand how you feel. I have only been to a few BDSM parties and am glad that my first time i was there to bellydance for the group. What i did find was that most people already knew what they wanted to do and had their partner there. It made it for a very uncomfortable couple of hours. Though i hate waisting time, so i created the time to get to talk to others and expand my social contacts. Munches are just for socializing, and seem to only about making new friends and getting to know who is out in the scene.

It is actually nice to see happy couples for me, because it reminds me in time i too might find someone special.

_____________________________

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." Barbara De Angelis

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 7

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/1/2007 9:14:20 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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This is what I do- open myself up slowly to everything, go to all the parties and munches in my own time when my mood desires. And then from there I pick the few people I find interesting to get to know better. Everyone else becomes background filler.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to CrazyC)

Post #: 8

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/2/2007 2:14:16 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Being from a state as large as California and not listing a city isn't helping you find anyone, nor is having an empty profile. There are some pretty amazing women on this site but most want someone closer to home and who can blame them, so do I.

That said, when I am looking as I am now, I show up at enough events that people know I am looking. There are plenty of people who want to play matchmaker and even when you are not at an event, if you have a few friends, they will let you know if someone you might be interested in shows up. Widen your search a bit, I know I am going to start attending more events in the wider area to both expand my horizons and my opportunities.

I was actually discussing the dearth of suitable women with another gentleman in the scene and we have discussed ways of bringing in/meeting the sort of women we would be interested in. Perhaps like you, they come in, look around and not seeing what they want, leave. Due to local politics, we haven't yet decided how to proceed without stepping on toes and were actually thinking of hosting something in another town, posting some bios and pictures to show that the four of us are a bit different than the average participants in the scene. Another option is to figure out some sort of new/different event that might also attract these sorts of women.

Women in the scene love power, have you ever thought of giving back again to the community? Teaching classes, hosting events, even running groups is a great way to meet women and create events that might bring the sort of woman you seek out of the woodwork.

Another source would be to run craigslist ads and try and find a woman who like yourself wants this and yet for whatever reason has either left the scene or not taken the plunge.

Best of luck, there ARE amazing women out there, there are plenty here on collarme, you just have to track them down and win them over.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 9

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/2/2007 5:22:37 AM

Eruditegirl

Posts: 53
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Herodotus

    Been trying to get my head around this concept for awhile. A bit of background: was active in the bdsm community for a number of years: munches, parties, classes, you name it. After time, I came to the conclusion that being alone in all this was more painful than beneficial. So, that ended things for me.
   Now the Catch-22: I miss things a lot, and would like to get back into it, but still know that being alone in groups such as munches et al is still the same experience that convinced me to get out. And knowing the make-upof the groups in the area it doesn't appear that the lone status is likely to change.
   I know all the cliche answers to the situation, and also know that I can't be the only one who's ever worked through this sort of thing.
   Thoughts?

I attended my first munch the other night. I was hesitant in the past to walk into the group alone so I never attempted contact. Plus my "fresh meat" T-shirt was at the dry cleaners. lol
I happened to recently make friends with a married Dom who just relocated to Vegas and he was wanting to check out the local scene. So he escorted me to the munch. I probably would never have attended if it wasn't for him. He was my security blanket so to speak.
I wonder how many subs in your area don't attend munches because they are new, hesitant or whatever reason. Maybe send out some open invitations to local subs about attending local munches with you. If they attend with you then you will already have the trust and security begining to build with them, so maybe the rest will follow.
Just my thoughts....good luck....

(in reply to Herodotus)

Post #: 10

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/2/2007 5:45:22 AM

meatcleaver

Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

There are worse things than being alone, like being with someone. Forget about the grass being greener on the otherside of the fence, it ain't. Not unless you are with someone who doesn't mind being kicked out after breakfast and doesn't have a strop over when you are going to see her again.

_____________________________

There are fascists who consider themselves humanitarians, like cannibals on a health kick, eating only vegetarians.

(in reply to Herodotus)

Post #: 11

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/2/2007 6:45:36 AM

Herodotus

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Joined: 5/1/2007
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Thanks for the thoughts, everyone. Some of them I have done in the past, some aren't really me, and that is all to be expected. This subject was mostly to see what others think and how they look at things. I don't know that there *is* an actual answer to the question without changing the question.

(in reply to Herodotus)

Post #: 12

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/2/2007 6:50:01 AM

CrazyC

Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline

There isn't since each person hasthier own way of dealing with being single. It just takes you wondering what works for you.

That aside...why is there nothing on your profile? I can promice if you ever wrote me, I wouldn't have responded. It is usually a sign of someone who is just here to get their jollies. There are great people here to meet if you are willing to try.

_____________________________

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." Barbara De Angelis

(in reply to Herodotus)

Post #: 13

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/2/2007 7:34:01 AM

vield

Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I have found it very helpful and fulfilling to be a resource in the community in my part of the country. Going to events with "alone with expectations" certainly was a recipe for depression. However going to events with an open mind and no expectations brought me a LOT of lovely times! Expectations are not helpful, unless you are negotiating to hire a pro.
By doing outreach, helping others find safe ways to express themselves, by teaching people, by working events and promoting groups, I have found some really wonderful people. Some began as partners and became friends, some began as friends and became partners, but nearly all who were giving and honest people are still treasured friends of mine.
The best and dearest including my dear slave who lives with me (Domme to most others) I met by accident when expecting nothing.
If you are attending discussions and events there is no guarantee you will find a good partner. However if you are sitting home alone it is not likely the dominant of your dreams will deliver your pizza.

_____________________________

As always, your mileage may vary!

vield

(in reply to CrazyC)

Post #: 14

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/2/2007 8:31:40 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

I think most men come to this point of discouragement. Munches, in theory, are supposed to be for meeting people, but as you know they are mostly attended by couples and single male dominants. I've had some better experience at play parties, where I have found single female subs on a semi-regular basis.

All I can suggest, and yes it is one of those cliche answers, is to keep yourself going never the less. You can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket. You just never know when or where a connection might come from.

One important bit of advice. Keep the fetish hunt as a small part of your regular life. Go on with the rest of it, do the things you like to do, the hobbies you enjoy. In other words don't make this hunt the primary focus of your life. This way, until the right one comes along, at least you are enjoying your life.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to Herodotus)

Post #: 15

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/2/2007 9:12:18 AM

rhiona

Posts: 18
Joined: 4/23/2007
From: NC
Status: offline

i am in exactly the same place as You are, Herodotus.....the fifth wheel in the local groups filled with couples/partners/group households......because i am so relatively new to the lifestyle, i thought that by forcing myself to go to functions, munches, seminars, demos and such that i would learn and find out more about the activities i have always been curious about and that aspect of it has been great and beneficial......socially though, it is very depressing and discouraging, i agree

i, too, cannot endure staying very long at play parties and usually end up bailing out after a couple of hours - and i only end up staying that long because i am trying to force myself out of my shell and try and get to know people even if there is no chance for relationship.

so i am trying to work out this sort of thing as well and, as of this moment, don't really have any helpful advice or answers since i am beginning to wonder why i am doing this anymore as well......then again, i'm really not doing it for the "meat market - solely looking for a Master" either so i keep at it for now

oh, and Sir Dominic? *g* *wink* i WISH the things i go to were usually attended by single Male Dominants......!

_____________________________

"....save me from the nothing i've become....", Evanescence, Fallen, Bring Me To Life

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 16

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/2/2007 9:20:06 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

I have found in life.. you receive that which you are willing to give. If you are a spectator in hopes that someone Else's efforts will grant you what you hope for by merely being present.. you probably will continue in the circumstance in which you find yourself.

This means that if you are in a group or munch; volunteer.. help.. make a name for yourself that would draw recognition for the type of person you are.

It could be that you are showing up to the "pot-luck of life" empty handed.

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 5/2/2007 9:21:08 AM >

(in reply to Herodotus)

Post #: 17

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/2/2007 5:38:28 PM

Herodotus

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/1/2007
Status: offline

I truly do appreciate the discussion here. I would clarify a bit that my question seems to have missed. I had not meant to imply that there was an issue with finding play partners, or a lack of being known etc. I have taught classes, started groups etc. actually took great pride in maintaining a good reputation and such as well. It's the long-term that I am working through (around etc.) I just found that the role I was filling wasn't fulfilling and that led to the current situation.
Anyway, once again, heartfelt thanks for the conversation. I'll now return to my normally used profile.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 18

RE: ahhh catch-22 - 5/2/2007 7:13:10 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I didn't comment earlier, because I thought I might be missing the point of the original post. Now that I've read it again, My comments might still be off the mark.

What I'm hearing is that, when in the community, it became rather uncomfortable to be single, so you backed out. Now, you're still single, but miss the benefits of community. Kind of torn in deciding which is the lesser of two evils on different aspects of being alone. Am I heading in the right direction here?

Only you can decide which of these are more beneficial for you. Perhaps, now that some time has passed from when you withdrew, things might be a bit different. You might be less focused on the single factor, and really enjoy getting back in touch with some people you haven't seen for a while. It might ease that discomfort that you felt before when you made the decision to back out for a bit.

Like I said, I might be completely off base with My answer, and the above is in now way what you meant, but I wish you the best of luck anyway.

(in reply to Herodotus)

Post #: 19

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