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Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 4:19:08 AM

subinside

Posts: 233
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Toronto, ON
Status: offline

I put this here only because i didn't know where else to put it...

How do Y/you deal with the loneliness and longing of a LDR?

He and i have been friends for about 4 years, and have been heavily involved for 9 months. We're engaged and are in the middle of the immigration process (i'm in Toronto, ON and He's in Tampa, FL. Our application was accepted formally in March and they are processing from 6 months ago). We both work 60 hour weeks and that doesn't leave a lot of time for us to spend with each other via phone or internet, and with the immigration pending, i'm not allowed to travel to the States.

Recently the loneliness of my not being able to travel to see Him has been getting to us both, but i fear He may look to others for the companionship and personal time that i can't give Him.

Things have come to the point where He has begun making lists of pros and cons of being in a relationship with someone across the border as opposed to someone across the bridge (There is apparently someone who has made her interest in Him quite clear).

What do You do to keep it positive and working well in a LDR? How do Y/you combat the loneliness and uncertainty that comes with being so far away from the O/one you love?

< Message edited by subinside -- 5/3/2007 4:21:26 AM >

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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 4:27:54 AM

redsky

Posts: 228
Joined: 12/28/2006
From: UK
Status: offline

i was in a LDR for 3 years, im in the UK & he is in the USA, although we didnt make it if you trust, have faith in eachother & talk everyday openly & honestly about everything then there is no reason the feelings you have should change. i became untrusting...jealousy is a wasted emotion, unless given reason to feel it i would push it out of your mind!
my *new* Master, Master Jake is in Ireland which to me is still quite a long distance away, but with a difference, we talk alot, texts, pc, phonecall.....
i dunno if my comment helps you, but good luck & keep a clear mind when it comes to the green eyed monster.

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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 4:34:38 AM

subinside

Posts: 233
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Toronto, ON
Status: offline

Hi redsky, thank you for your comments

Believe it or not, jealousy and lack of trust hasn't been an issue with me. Until He told me about this other person who's declared her interest in Him, i had complete faith in Him and never thought He'd cheat on me. The only thing that i'd been concerned with was that in His loneliness, He would reach out to someone in a platonic manner and things would develop from there without the intent of anything happening. i've been in LDR's before and was very well aware of how the loneliness can affect a person.

< Message edited by subinside -- 5/3/2007 4:36:00 AM >

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Post #: 3

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 4:53:33 AM

Satyr6406

Posts: 820
Joined: 3/27/2006
From: New Brunswick, N.J.
Status: offline

LDRs are a pain in the ass. I am in the US and had a 4 year "relationship" with a Brummie, living in Wales. It was a disaster, almost from the beginning.

However, it sounds like you are in "the clubhouse turn" as we call it. You've applied for immigration and it shouldn't take too long a time.

If he doesn't feel like waiting and wishes to spend time with this other lady, my best advice is to make sure you have a job set up, down here and a place to stay, etc. as a back up and let the chips fall, where they may. If he really loves you, she'll be nothing more than a "filler". I know it sounds kind of crazy but, you've come this far. As long as you have a "back up plan", you should be okay, either way.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

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Post #: 4

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 4:58:20 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

I'm in a similar position now, with plans to move to Florida 'when it's best'. As of this second that time/date is not known, but we just know that it will be 'sometime'.

Our situation is so much different though, as we don't have state officials complicating our relationship. We are online together every night, on cam, and that helps a lot. After our first real-time meeting we were going to wait until early June to get together again, but something came up that it seemed that waiting would not help. I went back down 3 weeks after the first time, and it did help a lot. Now, we're back on track until June.

None of this probably seems like much help, especially if he is becoming distracted. While that must be all well and good for him, it doesn't speak well of character. That you know what is going on is fine, from the openness and honesty aspect, that he is not being patient enough is another. If you are the woman that he has been waiting patiently for for who knows how long, a little while longer should be enough.

Again, that does not help much, but it might lend some perspective. If this situation gets to be out of hand that it ruins what you have, you end up with less than what you started with. But you already know this.

This is my first LDR, and admittedly it isn't like being able to see someone every day. For my partner, she attempted one once and it didn't work very well. This one seems far different, more real, to her. That we are both committed 100% (or more, it appears) to making this work, seems to me that it just 'will' work. Patience isn't easy, but knowing the end result seems to help a lot.

Jeff

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Post #: 5

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 5:36:46 AM

myobedience

Posts: 472
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline

Several things…
I have noticed that the more intense a relationship is ~~ that is emotionally intimate for a woman the more she is vested emotionally. Tis true of me of sure. I know others like me. Love does not fit this equation in regards to M/s, D/s esp in a LDR.
Love is hard, Possession is worse.
Love is hatred, Possession is a poison
Love is fucking worthless, Possession be damned
Love is blind and lost; Possession is a terror
Love is not a safe place, Possession, inescapable.
Possess me and i will try not to love You.

He has already found interest in another, and thus his interest in you, because of distance will wane and he will question the LDR in his mind. He will be left brained (intellectual) and not right brained (emotional), while you vest more emotionally in the LDR.
Been there, done that, never again.

Your trust in him is waning?

If you do make the move, and his interest with the other continues to grow at the same time, will you be left…not only moved, but now disappointed and the relationship ends?

I would not call this a red flag that seems serious to me, but to proceed with emotion is detrimental, IMHO. I feel for you. It’s a bitch and something I never want to live through again.

If he will not work on it as you do, keeping it positive; dealing with loyalty and faithfulness, then it is down the tubes. Been there, done this and I was one sad and depressed woman for about 6 months.

Good luck dear, you will need many hugs, support and guidance as you make your decision.

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called Master.

(in reply to subinside)

Post #: 6

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 5:43:26 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

going on 9 months in a ldr with Daddy and i never had the loneliness or longing feeling to be with Him. sounds strange, i know, however we have constant communication every day which includes phone calls if He has time between patients. we chat online before He leaves for the office and then after He comes home before bedtime. the weekends we reserve time for each other. plus our other interests and activities keep us busy in the time between when we're not chatting. don't get me wrong, i would love it if He was closer to me or vice versa.

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Post #: 7

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 5:48:03 AM

kittinSol

Posts: 16926
Status: offline

Hello, subinside. I know a little bit about long distance relationships, as I survived one that lasted over six years (it ended purely and simply because we were reunited last week :-) for good. Forever. Hopefully. Or not. We'll see. Well, we got our marriage licence yesterday!

Anyhow, I really think what matters most is good, open communications and frankness. Trust in each other will carry you for a longer distance than mere fickle passion (though I admit it's not half as fun!). The tendency to play mind games and brain fucks is immense in people with our kind of 'kinks' (I make SWEEPING generalisations in the hope I'll get hounded with replies *wink wink*) but you must resist going too far: it could seriously harm the connection.

In short: keep it up.

Sorry I sounded like a wise old owl here (or even worse, bloody Dr Phil, yikes!), the subject requires a certain level of earnesty I am not accustomed to ;-) . Best of luck.

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Post #: 8

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 6:41:21 AM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

sorry, posted then removed

< Message edited by SirMIkeSD -- 5/3/2007 6:44:00 AM >

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Post #: 9

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 7:09:54 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

It is very frustrating to be in that situation, as I well know. I am in the process of putting together a few aspects of my life, as he is his. When these things are taken care of it is planned that I will be living with him. I have to find a job there, and I have to drive (I had a phobia that I have been overcoming). I do get to spend time with him though, usually several days a month.

He has some things to rectify in his life that frustrate him too, and he is on the verge of working those things out. At times he gets so caught up with his thoughts in this regard that I feel left out, and I used to feel insecure. All I can do is be as supportive to him as I can be.

My thoughts are the same to you, all you can do is be as accepting of him as you can be, supportive of him as you can be, and be very grateful about his honesty concerning this other person... he did not have to be honest with you about it. I can only imagine how hurtful it is, but if there is enough mutual love there and this is the right relationship, it will work out.

_____________________________

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Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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Post #: 10

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 7:30:43 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

http://www.collarchat.com/m_688989/mpage_3/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#689642
LDRs and you

http://www.collarchat.com/m_555442/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#555476
How do you cope?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_399208/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#399230
Long distance relationships...how do you all make them work and overcome the obstacles that arise?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_358232/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#358330
When the Master is away

http://www.collarchat.com/m_243191/mpage_2/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#243396
Online or Distance relationships

http://www.collarchat.com/m_5502/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#207957
Long Distance Relationships

http://www.collarchat.com/m_214831/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#214831
Long distance d/s

http://www.collarchat.com/m_210165/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#210165
Pleasing my master long distance

http://www.collarchat.com/m_131170/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#131170
In Between Visits

http://www.collarchat.com/m_124826/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#124826
LDR and sickness or death

http://www.collarchat.com/m_89834/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#89834
Long distance punishment ideas

http://www.collarchat.com/m_22973/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#22973
Long Distance Relationship (2)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_5502/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#5502
Long Distance Relationships (2)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3521/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#3521
Long Distance

http://www.collarchat.com/m_272610/mpage_1/key_LDR/tm.htm#272610
LDR D/s ideas

http://www.collarchat.com/m_108560/mpage_1/key_LDR/tm.htm#108560
Long Distance Relationships????

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Post #: 11

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 8:46:18 AM

mythi

Posts: 257
Joined: 2/25/2007
From: Naples, FL
Status: offline

Yep, LDR's are a bitch. Plain and simple. My first (and only other) was a strictly-online-only-ever situation which turned out not to be enough for either one of us. But when you start working toward making it r/l, it becomes (imo) just like any other r/l relationship where you have to be apart for awhile, such as for work, military service, etc. And the same rules should apply. So, assuming you guys aren't poly, I can't imagine being in one and then considering another just because that person is closer. Or finding it acceptible if my partner did. Either you're the one he wants or not. And 'on the fence' = not. As Jeff says, you both have to be commited. (In once sense or another!) It wont work if you're the only one making the effort and sacrifices.

Not knowing exactly when you'll be 'together' finally does make it harder. We might not have a clear idea until July. Given that your situation is dependent upon bureaucratic red tape, perhaps you won't know for even longer. In the meantime, just do whatever you can to make it 'better'. Can he travel up to you for a visit? Even an overnight trip might be worth the expense and hassle just to make physical contact & reinforce the realness of each other and your relationship. Both being on cam while we chat does help us a LOT. I have something he gave me that smells like him. That also helps me a LOT. Pretty much anything you can manage that keeps you connected is a good thing.

Bottom line is that if it's worth saving, you'll each find (or make) a way.

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Flannery O’Connor

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Post #: 12

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 8:55:26 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

We were ldr for two and a half years. At no time did he ever say or imply that because I wasn't around he would go play with someone else. It sounds like he's already changed his mind about you but isn't honest enough to be blunt about it. Instead he's telling you how much this other woman is chasing him in hopes that you'll be the one to break up with him.

And I still don't see why just because you can't visit him, it also means that he can't visit you.

(in reply to mythi)

Post #: 13

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 10:49:43 AM

greeneyes1962

Posts: 117
Joined: 9/7/2005
Status: offline

Trust (I don't trust easily, and it's been a long road), and love. The ability to communicate by phone whenever necessary, usually several times a day. Knowing that the end is near, and we will soon be living much closer to each other.

Of course, we're in the same country, even if on separate coasts.

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Post #: 14

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 10:57:29 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subinside

I put this here only because i didn't know where else to put it...

How do Y/you deal with the loneliness and longing of a LDR?

He and i have been friends for about 4 years, and have been heavily involved for 9 months. We're engaged and are in the middle of the immigration process (i'm in Toronto, ON and He's in Tampa, FL. Our application was accepted formally in March and they are processing from 6 months ago). We both work 60 hour weeks and that doesn't leave a lot of time for us to spend with each other via phone or internet, and with the immigration pending, i'm not allowed to travel to the States.

Recently the loneliness of my not being able to travel to see Him has been getting to us both, but i fear He may look to others for the companionship and personal time that i can't give Him.

Things have come to the point where He has begun making lists of pros and cons of being in a relationship with someone across the border as opposed to someone across the bridge (There is apparently someone who has made her interest in Him quite clear).

What do You do to keep it positive and working well in a LDR? How do Y/you combat the loneliness and uncertainty that comes with being so far away from the O/one you love?

I'm curious, why can't he visit you?

There have been some good suggestions on how to get through the next six months, but quite honestly I'm not to sure he's prepared to see it through those six months. I think if he's having doubts, now's the time for you both to talk about it in a very clear and honest way. Also, no matter what happens I would also echo the suggestion that when you move to Tampa that you don't move in immediately with him (I'd suggest that to anyone in a LDR).

Good luck,
C~

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The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
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Post #: 15

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 11:03:28 AM

kittinSol

Posts: 16926
Status: offline

Wildfleurs, after a person has made a formal visa application to the USA they aren't allowed to travel to that country until it's been accepted.

And ONCE it's been accepted, and they are in the USA, they aren't allowed to travel OUT of the country for two years (without formal approval from the Immigration Service) - that's where I'm at right now. No fun either but less difficult if one's in lurve :-)

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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 11:56:17 AM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

Things have come to the point where He has begun making lists of pros and cons of being in a relationship with someone across the border as opposed to someone across the bridge (There is apparently someone who has made her interest in Him quite clear).
As quoted from the op

This would hurt me so so much. He is getting lady attention and aparently not makeing you importent enough to ignroe these girls not only that he has actually made a list about the pros and cons of being with you.. that to me seems so heartless. You are uprooting yourself comeing to another coutry to be with him and this is how he treats you... that is rather insensitive.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to kittinSol)

Post #: 17

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 12:37:09 PM

jaxbeachgirl

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/29/2007
Status: offline

"Things have come to the point where He has begun making lists of pros and cons of being in a relationship with someone across the border as opposed to someone across the bridge (There is apparently someone who has made her interest in Him quite clear)."

I wouldn't even consider moving across town for somebody who was making lists about why it might not be best! Either he really has doubts (not good) or he's manipulative in an ugly way (even worse).

There are very few good women out there. Don't even sweat it. Tell him to straighten up NOW, or ship the heck out. You think he can replace you easily? No chance. If he thinks this other girl would make him happy, give him a minimum of six weeks to explore it. Cut him off. Then see where he really stands. If he gives you up so readily, do you REALLY want to be at his feet?!

What he is doing right now is emotional infidelity. You up for that long term? Incidentally, that turns into physical infidelity, if you allow this to go on now.

I assume he has committed to the entire financial burden of your move? If not, gotta ask: how does he deserve a woman who will cater to his every need under the circumstances? What does he really and truly bring to the table that is equal to your service? How has he made concrete plans to return you to your current lifestyle if things don't work out? Bank acc't in your name? Or is he just willing to take a chance it might? Because, baby, he ain't the one going to the expense and risk--unless you allow him the opportunity to step up.

Girl submissives provide services: sex, housekeeping, food, et cetera. Put a dollar value on those things alone, then weigh if you're going to move for a man who isn't "quite sure" what he thinks is best for him.

Make sure you have a good back up plan for supporting yourself, because the relationship is already risky and you aren't there yet. What are you going to do when you get to reality, instead of the honeymoon stage of phone calls, brief meetings, email? Fact is, people pass wind. They aren't perfect.

What is it he offers you you can't find at home? Frankly, most men will adore a submissive woman! Even those fellows who don't know they want one. ;)

Think about it: "I will meet all your needs as best I can all the time, and I will make it my driving force to do so."

Who CAN'T you give that to??!

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

Post #: 18

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 1:18:45 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

I probably wouldn't *keep it working * if he was *weighing up the pro's and cons* at this stage. I'm not clear why he's doing all this *weighing up* when you won't be *across the border* for a great deal longer and he's engaged to you.

You've known him quite a time and really are in the best position to know why he's behaving in such a wobbly way. It seems a little thoughtless to be mentioning *interested girls* at the very time that you are prevented from actually being around and are feeling insecure.

agirl

(in reply to subinside)

Post #: 19

RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/3/2007 1:26:29 PM

Areflectionofyou

Posts: 258
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline

I was in a LDR from may of 06 until march of 07. We decided the only way we would work perminantly is for one of us to move. He relocated with his job to florida and the kids and i moved from Ct to florida....life is good.....

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Post #: 20

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