What do you do or can you do when you wish your partner would tell his meddling family to fuck off?

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What do you do or can you do when you wish your partner... - 5/3/2007 11:21:31 AM

FelinePersuasion

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James's brother and sister in law want to control every non working moment of his life, I feel if it was me I'd tell them to fuck off, because I do not tolerate for any one to try to run my life, But for now he needs to keep the peace since he's living with them for now. He's trying to get an apartment and then he'll be free to tell them to butt out. I know the problem is partly with me not understanding why he has to keep the peace, and me being so dominant in personality I'd never tolerate the things he is.

the pattern now appears ot be she's going to expect him to be baby sitter on call any time he has a day off. they don't want him having a gf, they think since he's mentally unbalanced( IE cronically depressed) he shouldn't date and a gf is a waste of time and money and he should be doing other things, and when he tells them he loves his gf and he's happy with me they say you only THINK you do. I wish he could just tell them to fuck off what they think is f no concern but well in his situation that's not an option
So other than shut up and ride it out what do you do when your partners family thinks it's their right to try to run his life, and you really think they should be told to fuck off.

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.

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RE: What do you do or can you do when you wish your par... - 5/3/2007 11:29:50 AM

soultoshare

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Joined: 8/24/2006
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well, you are probably not going to like this answer, but it is HIS life, and he needs to be the one to tell them to "fuck off". I've been in a similar stiuation, and even tho i'd get so frustrated that i'd want to spit nails, ranting at him about how unfair the situation was did no good whatsoever, mainly because his other family members used guilt on him. Just hang in there, give him whatever support you can, try to help in getting him out of the situation any way you can. Good luck!

m

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

Post #: 2

RE: What do you do or can you do when you wish your par... - 5/3/2007 11:40:32 AM

juliaoceania

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Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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Number one, the most immediate reason he should not tell them to fuck off is that he needs their help. Unfortunately this gives them power over him. He is the one that needs to address this situation, if he can't, then you need to decide whether you are willing to have your relationship controlled remotely by his family.

The second reason he should not tell them to "fuck off" as you put it is because they are his family. This is not going to change no matter how many girlfriends come and go from his life. I am sorry to be blunt, but blood is thicker than water, and if he wants to marry you, then you might have grounds for telling them to "fuck off", but I would think long and hard about doing so....

My Daddy has told me colorful things about his family. He has some trepidation about introducing me to them. He feels they may not treat me well (as is the case with previous women in his life), but they do not control him, in fact he spends very little time with them, and he has made no secret that they were at least borderline abusive when he was a wee one. Now I could be one of these types that gets very bent out of shape if they ever treat me badly, or I could suck it up for his sake and be a woman about it. I choose to be a force of peace and reconcilliation in this life, not the opposite. I want my Daddy to heal his familial relationships because I want him to be at peace and happy in this life...

Now you need to ask yourself, what kinda force do you want to be in his life? Do you want him to have his family or do you want to isolate him from them? He needs to move out of there and be his own man, and then as an equal he can tell them "This is my life", and still have them in it. Their input only matters if it keeps him from being with you, but he is the one that bears ultimate responsibility for the condition of his life, no one else.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

Post #: 3

RE: What do you do or can you do when you wish your par... - 5/3/2007 11:52:33 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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Nothing - Unless you want him to transfer the negative feelings for his family to you.

Until/unless he makes you more important in his life than they are, you will fail in any attempt to change him.

Support him, don't nag him, and maybe someday he will replace the priority he obviously gives them to you. Meanwhile, provide comfort and understanding. No matter how long you have been with him, he has been with them much longer. The relationship dynamic he has with them is more routine than any you have with him.

Perhaps he is avoiding conflict. You provide an "understanding" partner who appreciates him while, based on your representation, his family gives him no respect. Only he can stand up for himself. Your "job" is to support him.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 4

RE: What do you do or can you do when you wish your par... - 5/3/2007 12:32:15 PM

darkinshadows

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From: UK
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If he is suffering from depression - show them just how responsible you both are - if he isnt gaining medical attention, then go get it. That way, he can politely tell them he is already dealing with anydepression, so that should not be their concern.

Be kind. Even when it hurts or makes you angry. Count to ten, think of all the good things you do together - and just be absolutley lovely to them. If you show any upset, you are giving them power. And just ride it.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

Post #: 5

RE: What do you do or can you do when you wish your par... - 5/3/2007 1:40:43 PM

FelinePersuasion

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Mercbeth he comes every week regardless if they think he should or not, Tuedsday he did not because he was willing to do Suzanne the favor of baby sitting.

Julia, he's fed up too, but yeah he needs them right now and to rock the boat so to speak would be very bad. I think my problem is,I am to independant I think, I'd never allow my family to run all over me. And if they tried to tell me my bf was a waste of my time, I'd tell them to mind their own business. Fortunatly my parents adore james, so he's welcome here anytime:D

Darkinshadow's he's working mighty hard at work to go up the ranks and earn medical health coverage so he can get on medications, He explained to me he's felt depressed his whole life, so he manges to function still even tho he might be feeling icky,He manages to stay afloat pretty well, He says I am one of the few things that make him feel good, so I do help!

I kind of realize if I show my worry to much he might not keep me well informed as before in an effort not to worry me to much. He has not wanted to say anything when a big deal was coming up, because he didn't wanna worry me.

He's trying very hard to get his own place, hopes to move out ASAP And, I just have to be patient.

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.

(in reply to darkinshadows)

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RE: What do you do or can you do when you wish your par... - 5/3/2007 4:02:54 PM

Eldritchdancer

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Joined: 12/26/2006
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I have to ask this:
If you want him out of the situation that is driving you both nutz, but he can't afford his own place, why not let him move in with you?

Master Darkmoon

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

Post #: 7

RE: What do you do or can you do when you wish your par... - 5/3/2007 4:04:05 PM

Eldritchdancer

Posts: 101
Joined: 12/26/2006
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As to not telling the people he is staying with to F_ off because they are family:

That has got to be one of the most retarded statements I have ever heard in my life. It is often the family that -NEEDS- to be told so. They often feel Entitled to trying to run your life, because of blood relation. FUCK THAT.

FAMILY are the people you love, are close to, etc..

Blood has -NOTHING- to do with it.

That's why alot of people will tell you they have 'relatives' and 'family', each being a seperate entity. Some of the Family will be blood relations, if you have a good relationship with them.

Take it as you will.

Master Darkmoon

(in reply to Eldritchdancer)

Post #: 8

RE: What do you do or can you do when you wish your par... - 5/3/2007 4:09:28 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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Personally I do not tell people to "fuck off", I might avoid them, but there are better ways to behave than that.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Eldritchdancer)

Post #: 9

RE: What do you do or can you do when you wish your par... - 5/3/2007 4:22:58 PM

cjenny

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Joined: 11/27/2006
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Take care that resentment doesn't build between the two of you. Sometimes stepping into someone elses family situation backfires. Personally I would bite my tongue and give him as much support as possible without saying anything bad about his family.

It was one thing when I complained once that my mother was a bitch, but quite another thing if my ex had referred to her as that! If his family understands how deeply you feel they just may get more protective of him. I may have missed it, but someone asked why he couldn't move out from his brothers and in with you?

It could be of help of both of you organise things in a way that the family sees, positive things moving forward and him making preparation to move. You said this only happens during his off work hours, can't he just spend that time with you regardless of what they say? That way he wouldn't have to put up with them as much.

_____________________________

*Unless I cite a source it is MO.

~ ssssh. i think i've just found freedom. ~

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

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RE: What do you do or can you do when you wish your par... - 5/3/2007 4:57:42 PM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

Having heard a little of the backstory to this, I think it's a pretty bad idea to confront his family rudely. If it bothers you that much, find a calm and nonintrusive way to bring it up. If they just won't listen when you're calm and collected, it's highly unlikely that they will listen when you're highly emotional and confrontational. If they don't take what you have to say seriously or if they are unwilling to make an effort to compromise, that's when you have a big decision to make. You can either play along with their schemes, or you can get out. Because staying in that kind of relationship where things never go your way, but you continue to press the issue, is never a good idea.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

Post #: 11

RE: What do you do or can you do when you wish your par... - 5/3/2007 7:37:31 PM

FelinePersuasion

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Joined: 11/20/2004
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I live with family, there's no room to squeeze one more person in with us. We had plans after he was in his own apartment I'd come stay with him during the time I wasn't needed here, for school and for volunteering. Eventually he's moving here and getting a place so I can live with him fulltime. He wants me to move to Petaluma, but I'm not willing to be away from my family, and my schooling. Plus honestly I do not want to be so close to his brother and his sister in law.

CJ he comes down regardless, but since they bawlh im out about him being here , like not this visit but last one he came home got jumped on the minute he got home about how he's wasting his money and his time and he shouldn't be coming here he has better things to do, so he's taken to being like oh I am going out I won't be back all day I am apartment hunting, Next week it's going to be nope I can't I am visiting my mother, And we will. so it's true he did go see his mom. I asked him why make excuses at all why not just say I am doing what I want to, nothing you need to worry about. He says when he lives on his own he won't be baby sitter on call any more because he won't be convient simply cause he's home and in the house. that and because the way they treated him and made him have to choose between peace in the house and his gf have fed him up so much he's not willing to be at their beck an call any more.

Nakedonmy chain, no it's not a good idea you're right, he's hoping to move out June first, so as long as we have a time in mind I will stay cool and let James work out what he has to. He has assured me he won't let them make it a choose us or her deal, and he's assured me he won't neglect me. I know if they did make it an us or her deal he'd be down here soon as he could pack, they'd loose, They tried to do it once before, when he was full time sitter and he made it clear it'd be me he chose.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Eldritchdancer

I have to ask this:
If you want him out of the situation that is driving you both nutz, but he can't afford his own place, why not let him move in with you?

Master Darkmoon

< Message edited by FelinePersuasion -- 5/3/2007 7:42:31 PM >

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.

(in reply to Eldritchdancer)

Post #: 12

RE: What do you do or can you do when you wish your par... - 5/3/2007 8:06:07 PM

slaveish

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Joined: 2/19/2007
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Don't step in the middle of a family quarrel. I tread lightly around the negative goings-on with Master and his family with good reason - resentment from all parties regardless of who I am trying to help. He's made his decision clear (to not confront them), he is your Dom, and that's pretty much it. I hate it for you, hate it for him, but this is his battle and not yours. Pushing him is only going to cause hard feelings between the two of you and you'll wind up making him feel you're topping from the bottom. Stop it.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

Post #: 13

RE: What do you do or can you do when you wish your par... - 5/3/2007 8:13:44 PM

FelinePersuasion

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Joined: 11/20/2004
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You're right slavish. He's promised he's not going to leave me out in the cold perverbially speaking, and my continued objections about how unfair or why I don't like them won't help, he just gets frusterated because I am so either or and I do not see the middle ground.

Besides if he's still coming down why should I care what he tells his family.

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.

(in reply to slaveish)

Post #: 14

RE: What do you do or can you do when you wish your par... - 5/3/2007 10:20:09 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Personally I do not tell people to "fuck off", I might avoid them, but there are better ways to behave than that.

I tell people to fuck off all the time.

Then they give me a full-power knee kick to my testicles.

What exactly is the behavior problem here?

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 15

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