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health and Ds - 5/4/2007 4:15:57 AM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
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having read through the revealing a disability thread i wanted to ask a question of the Masters, and Mistresses about something i am going to have to deal with and want some help preparing for.

In my profile i have said i am dealing with health problems at the moment that have meant i have had to withdraw from the active real time lifestyle for a while. I am now beginning to take small steps back into it as my health improves. I am a brittle asthmatic, this means that contact with certain triggers - varying from a strong chemical smell, shock, stress, illness, laughing, anything really it would seem - can cause a sudden, severe and very serious asthma attack. I almost always need hospital care to bring these attacks under control, and the most frustrating thing is that its very inconsistent, something will be fine one day but trigger me the next.

Now to the meat of my post. When i first became ill around 3 years ago i was single and developed a coping strategy and a personal system for monitoring and maintaining my health (emotional and physical) totally based on being alone and needing self sufficiency. After about a year of being ill i was in a Ds relationship where the Dom could not accept that while i was ill .. i needed complete and unfettered control of myself and my headspace. The control you hand over in play is totally different from the control snatched from you when your body begins fighting itself. Just like the difference between consensual non-consent and rape. This caused an ongoing battle between Uus about what to do when i was ill. I needed him to follow my wishes to the letter or not to be around me, i want only to have to think about my self, the last thing i need as my airways are closing is more stress. having somebody question me, or to take over my conversations with medics etc. The Dom i was with foud it almost impossible to step back and let me command the situation, to the extent that once i had him removed from the A&E department because he was stressing me so much.

Its the difficult situation of the balance between my need to be utterly selfish and centre all my energy into my needs and the need to acknowledging the fact that someone i care for will be just as frightened if not more so than myself. At the moment i can only see the problem from my persepctive ... i would like some input about how You would see the situation.

so Masters/Mistresses ... i would like to try to undertsand how You would feel were You in this situation with Your sub/slave. How would You feel? what would You want to do? What allowances would You make? is this something that outside of TPE You might allow as a hard limit? how would You deal with it in a TPE relationship? Is it too selfish of me to expect the person i am with to hold it together in front of me even if they are frightened or worried? ... is it too much to ask?

What i am seeking is an insight and undertsanding into what i am going to face when i start being with people again in a Ds setting. My health has impacted on so much of my life .. i dont want it to ruin this part of me.

have also posted this on the ask a submissive thread, so sub/slaves can contribute too. I dont mean this to be a long thread about health and safety of play with asthma either; i have taken much advice from kink aware docs and know any play will have to be softly softly baby steps for me

thankYou in advance for Your input

safe journeys
softness

< Message edited by softness -- 5/4/2007 4:30:41 AM >

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RE: health and Ds - 5/4/2007 7:42:06 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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If I want to be with that person and we fulfill eachother, then we deal with it.

It would be unreasonable to expect the person to hold it together all the time, but most people SHOULD be able to hold it together most of the time.

You're issue here will be educating them so they can make informed choices about how your dynamic will flow and how to make things work best for the long term.

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RE: health and Ds - 5/4/2007 10:26:02 AM

PONYSEEKER

Posts: 364
Joined: 9/11/2006
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I had a simular medical issue however it went away after about three years (had to work at it though).
I feel the very first roll a dom plays is being a rock for the sub to hold onto durring times of need.
Although I would be somewhat hesitant to get involved with a woman with a major medical issue I dont think I would exclude her because of it. I think what you are expecting from a Dom is perfectly fine and if a man loves you will be more interested in being that rock in your life than anything else. I thing you are doing the community a great disservice by excluding yourself from us. Especially after reading a lot of your posts and comments and getting to know you a little bit. I think a lot of men would overlook your illness.

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RE: health and Ds - 5/4/2007 10:33:54 PM

Elorin

Posts: 970
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From: San Antonio, TX
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quote:

ORIGINAL: softness
Its the difficult situation of the balance between my need to be utterly selfish and centre all my energy into my needs and the need to acknowledging the fact that someone i care for will be just as frightened if not more so than myself. At the moment i can only see the problem from my persepctive ... i would like some input about how You would see the situation.

First I want to say that dropping all pretense of D/s, control, power exchange, what have you so that you can focus solely on yourself and your current medical state is NOT selfish. It is what you have to do. My opinion, but I do NOT see this as selfish.

Second, while asthma is a much more acute physical condition than my bipolar, I am diagnosed with bipolar Type II and general panic disorder. My ex-husband refused to believe that I could not control my mood swings, and made dealing with this disorder well nigh on impossible. He would not help me get to doctor's appointments, fill prescriptions, remember to take prescriptions, and he would undermine my attempts to track my illness. From that experience I think I understand at least a measure of what you are going through.

I am guessing that if a dominant could comprehend and accept your illness you would be much more willing to allow them to help deal with medics and asthma attacks. Scary as asthma attacks are both for the victim and those watching, I would hope that it would help to have someone who knows where your inhaler is, can keep people from crowding you, can tell medics what medications you are on, etc. so that you can focus on making it through the attack. It sounds like the dom in question made things doubly worse, first by disbelieving your illness and secondly by trying to interfere when he obviously would have screwed the pooch the moment he opened his mouth. Hopefully with a dom/me who accepts your illness and is well informed, the first aspect is eliminated and the second aspect becomes help rather than hindrance.

Regardless, as a domme I think that my submissive is the only one who can know what is going on in her body. If what she needs during a medical crisis is for me to shut up, follow her direction, and be supportive and stalwart (saving my worry and tears for once the ambulance leaves) then I will provide that. While I would prefer to be able to help, I would accept if her out of control physical condition means that she must take control as much as she can of the situation. I would not let my ego get caught up in her medical situation. I can't dominate away an asthma attack, and I know it.

Having said all of that, my personal policy is that if someone doesn't "believe" that I'm ill, I don't "believe" that I am interested.

~Elorin

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RE: health and Ds - 5/5/2007 10:23:46 AM

Level

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A good dominant will have concern for the health of the one submitting to them.

As with most everything, it's all in how it's presented; if the submissive sits down with the dominant and politely and properly explains needs such as yours, the dominant should have no problem helping you deal with the situation.

If there's a dominant (or submissive) who disagrees, I'd ask this: what good is a submissive that's dead, or in the hospital? And what's that say about you?

I hope all turns out well for you, softness.

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RE: health and Ds - 5/5/2007 10:35:27 AM

bliss1

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Removed to the submissive thread.

< Message edited by bliss1 -- 5/5/2007 10:37:44 AM >

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RE: health and Ds - 5/5/2007 11:14:29 AM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
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M/s is a relationship. That means it takes two to harmoniously relate in common matters. For you, you could find a partner who prefers to engage with you in a manner that is compatible with your real physical conditions, period. That is, adaptable enough to accept, rather than push you to change into a preconceived concept. Such a partner would have a deep understanding of both polarities -- control and surrender -- and would know how to surrender their desire to your limitation.

You can also meet the depth and emotional health of such a partner. It is a two way street. "Birds of a feather..." By having your own self respect, self tolerance, self patience, and self esteem, the chances are good that you will naturally attract another who resonates with what you already manifest within yourself.

< Message edited by aldompdx -- 5/5/2007 11:15:41 AM >

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RE: health and Ds - 5/5/2007 11:37:59 AM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
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quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

This caused an ongoing battle between Uus about what to do when i was ill. I needed him to follow my wishes to the letter or not to be around me, i want only to have to think about my self, the last thing i need as my airways are closing is more stress. having somebody question me, or to take over my conversations with medics etc. The Dom i was with foud it almost impossible to step back and let me command the situation, to the extent that once i had him removed from the A&E department because he was stressing me so much.

I am very sorry to hear of your serious asthmatic condition.
My father had the same problem and I have asthma and allergies
to a lesser extent. Stress is the last thing an asthmatic needs during
an attack, that just makes the problem worse.

A&E in the UK is like the ER (Emergency Room) in the US?

Its the difficult situation of the balance between my need to be utterly selfish and centre all my energy into my needs and the need to acknowledging the fact that someone i care for will be just as frightened if not more so than myself. At the moment i can only see the problem from my persepctive ... i would like some input about how You would see the situation.

Dealing with a medical crisis takes precedence over other concerns.
If the Dominant is not listening to you, s/he needs to be educated
about the condition and how to handle his/her self by a doctor.
We have The American Lung Association here, not sure what
the UK counter part would be, but would advise putting any
future Dominants in touch with that organization.

so Masters/Mistresses ... i would like to try to undertsand how You would feel were You in this situation with Your sub/slave. How would You feel? what would You want to do? What allowances would You make? is this something that outside of TPE You might allow as a hard limit? how would You deal with it in a TPE relationship? Is it too selfish of me to expect the person i am with to hold it together in front of me even if they are frightened or worried? ... is it too much to ask?

The health and safety of a slave/sub is the prime concern.
I would contain myself and be calm in a crisis, defer to the doctors
and nurses and take care of my sub/slave afterwards.

A medical crisis happened to one of my boys last summer and
I had to care for him for several days. And the other one, right
after meeting me, broke his leg in a motorcross accident.

So you deal with the situation and nurse your slave/sub back
to good health and worry about play later.

What i am seeking is an insight and undertsanding into what i am going to face when i start being with people again in a Ds setting. My health has impacted on so much of my life .. i dont want it to ruin this part of me.

You will have to make adjustments and educate your partners,
but there is no reason that D/s will have to be ruined for you.

thankYou in advance for Your input

safe journeys
softness

Take good care of your sweet self,

Vendaval

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So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
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RE: health and Ds - 5/6/2007 10:00:52 AM

softness

Posts: 2918
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ThankYou to You all for Your input ... its really enlightening to be seeing the situation from the othe side of the coin

Softness

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proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

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