Please help me understand

Please help me understand (Full Version)

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Arastella -> Please help me understand (5/4/2007 10:13:25 AM)
Okay, here's my issue. I am a submissive, and I yearn to submit, to WANT to have all power stripped away, to be capable of thinking of nothing more than what I can do to please my Mistress, to long only to make Her happy. But my problem is that there are times when I WANT so badly to be able to surrender, submit, but I can't seem to get myself into that headspace, and I end up fighting back, becoming defiant, disobedient, and unruly. And all in this time, I wish I could surrender MYSELF, I wish I could strip all thats in my head, learn to stop thinking of what I want, to simply forget about myself and actually be HAPPY to only want to make Her happy. Why am I struggling and how can I fix this? I wrote this in the "Ask a Submissive" thread to see if any other submissives have ever struggled in this way. Has anyone else experienced this, struggled as I do now?

jeffman1234 -> RE: Please help me understand (5/4/2007 10:18:44 AM)
Do you love her. That is first and foremost.You are who you are and if not the submissive person you or her in vision then you need to accept who you really are.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Please help me understand (5/4/2007 10:27:35 AM)
I think partly you make too big a deal out of it. No one "feels" happy/in that headspace all the time. It's not the end of the world. it can be frustrating and I understand the worry- but really, don't let it get to you. This, too, shall pass. Secondly, examine what's going on to see if there is a common trigger. Is there something in your background/past which riles up when you get to a certain level? Is there a particular insecurity that pops out? Your backlash might be a cover-up to a deeper issue which is preventing you from relaxing into yourself. Finally, just be honest. Go up to her and say 'I really want to do this, but part of me is fighting so hard against it and I don't know what to do.' This requires you to be self-aware enough to NOT fight back right away, to stop yourself before it gets to that point, and be open about it. Sometimes just getting it out can make a seemingly big problem become manageable.

BondageTopJere -> RE: Please help me understand (5/4/2007 10:32:29 AM)
quote: But my problem is that there are times when I WANT so badly to be able to surrender, submit, but I can't seem to get myself into that headspace, and I end up fighting back, becoming defiant, disobedient, and unruly. That is essentially a form of shyness. The thing you want is also the cause of your anxietiy about it. Anyone with a severe case of shyness currently or in the past will be able to identify with those feelings a great deal. A fear of rejection is commonplace and widespread, and since being submissive is who you truly are and more importantly and is SUCH an intimitate act for some submissives, the fear of rejection is correspondingly greater and the fight-or-flight response is amped up to the same levels. If your looking for advice, I'd suggest doing some sort of research into shyness and how to overcome it. A simple self-help book might suffice or therapy might be required, but I can't help but feel that once you do get whatever help you need, finally submitting to your Dominant will be much, much easier.

OsideGirl -> RE: Please help me understand (5/4/2007 10:50:26 AM)
There's a lot of possible answers here. But, because we don't know either of you, it's going to be merely guessing. For me I need a Dominant with a stronger personality than mine. Someone that is a natural Alpha. I'm a very dominant personality and until I met someone that I felt comfortable giving up control to, it was a struggle to submit.

Celeste43 -> RE: Please help me understand (5/4/2007 12:19:17 PM)
You're looking to not be human. Imagine you have a terrible tooth ache. Do you really think that in such a circumstance you would be able to only think about her? Of course not, real life throws us curves. I don't know how long you've been together but I do know that after four years I'm still not capable of that and I doubt I ever will be. And that's fine with him because he doesn't expect it of me. He expects me to do my best and tell him what's going on that's bothering me.

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Please help me understand (5/5/2007 9:39:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross I think partly you make too big a deal out of it. No one "feels" happy/in that headspace all the time. It's not the end of the world. it can be frustrating and I understand the worry- but really, don't let it get to you. This, too, shall pass. Secondly, examine what's going on to see if there is a common trigger. Is there something in your background/past which riles up when you get to a certain level? Is there a particular insecurity that pops out? Your backlash might be a cover-up to a deeper issue which is preventing you from relaxing into yourself. Finally, just be honest. Go up to her and say 'I really want to do this, but part of me is fighting so hard against it and I don't know what to do.' This requires you to be self-aware enough to NOT fight back right away, to stop yourself before it gets to that point, and be open about it. Sometimes just getting it out can make a seemingly big problem become manageable. I can appreciate the question and this answer..Thank You..Tempting

LeatherBentOne -> RE: Please help me understand (5/5/2007 10:39:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross I think partly you make too big a deal out of it. No one "feels" happy/in that headspace all the time. It's not the end of the world. it can be frustrating and I understand the worry- but really, don't let it get to you. This, too, shall pass. Secondly, examine what's going on to see if there is a common trigger. Is there something in your background/past which riles up when you get to a certain level? Is there a particular insecurity that pops out? Your backlash might be a cover-up to a deeper issue which is preventing you from relaxing into yourself. Finally, just be honest. Go up to her and say 'I really want to do this, but part of me is fighting so hard against it and I don't know what to do.' This requires you to be self-aware enough to NOT fight back right away, to stop yourself before it gets to that point, and be open about it. Sometimes just getting it out can make a seemingly big problem become manageable. Excellent advice esp about your verbal suggestion. Thats what communication is all about.

stella40 -> RE: Please help me understand (5/16/2007 5:47:28 PM)
Sure. But the simple fact you define yourself as a submissive doesn't mean you can be submissive 24/7/365 and sometimes it also means you can't be submissive when you want or need to be submissive. To be submissive you have to be in control of yourself, you have to be relaxed and to get into that headspace where you are calm and relaxed and you can give over control to your Dominant. You cannot achieve this if you are fighting yourself. The problem with fighting yourself is you never win, all you can do is take a step back. I think you need to chill, relax, and allow yourself to fluctuate. talk to your Dominant about how you feel, get them to help you, because the best person to help you in this situation is your Dominant, and not anyone on a forum.

allyC -> RE: Please help me understand (5/16/2007 11:10:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arastella ...I yearn to submit, to WANT to have all power stripped away, to be capable of thinking of nothing more than what I can do to please my Mistress, to long only to make Her happy. ...I wish I could strip all thats in my head, learn to stop thinking of what I want, to simply forget about myself and actually be HAPPY to only want to make Her happy. . Hello, Arastella. :) I think what you describe here is the goal. I have yet to meet anyone who has achieved it to such a pure level. Can you truly have "all" power stripped away? Is it possible to only be capable of thinking of "nothing" more than what you can do to please another? Can you achived such a thing as only being happy in making somoene else happy and forgeting about yourself? Such a goal is in my opinion one that is somewhat unreachable because we are human beings and as such, we are selfish in many ways. Even those who appear to be the most selfless individuals on the earth seek things that make them happy - they still think of themselves sometimes. It is just how we are. As LA said, your best bet would be to approach your dominant with what you are feeling and express it and seek guidance. For example I know that for me when I was having issues with jealousy in the past, it was much easier and constructive for me to go to my owner and say, "Master, I don't know why but I am feeling so jealous right now - can you help me?" rather than to let it fester and eat me up inside. I know you weren't addressing jealousy issues but my point was just to reiterate what LA said - just getting that problem out into the open with the person who trust so implicitly can be so helpful and can open the door to better manage the issue. Well wishes, Cav's ally

SlaveSubtoserve -> RE: Please help me understand (5/17/2007 2:53:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arastella Okay, here's my issue. I am a submissive, and I yearn to submit, to WANT to have all power stripped away, to be capable of thinking of nothing more than what I can do to please my Mistress, to long only to make Her happy. But my problem is that there are times when I WANT so badly to be able to surrender, submit, but I can't seem to get myself into that headspace, and I end up fighting back, becoming defiant, disobedient, and unruly. And all in this time, I wish I could surrender MYSELF, I wish I could strip all thats in my head, learn to stop thinking of what I want, to simply forget about myself and actually be HAPPY to only want to make Her happy. Why am I struggling and how can I fix this? I wrote this in the "Ask a Submissive" thread to see if any other submissives have ever struggled in this way. Has anyone else experienced this, struggled as I do now? ...this is called resistance and its natural in D/s especially initially--- its just to be worked through with Her--- not to worry unless it becomes constant or overwhelming. With me some extended bondage with sens deprivation was the best cure and others have other ways to walk or talk through it .....

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