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it's all moving so fast - 5/5/2007 11:04:39 PM

MistressNew

Posts: 112
Joined: 5/5/2007
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it's kind of blowing my mind. I have a sub for the first time in my life, and it's incredible. I am still concerned about boundaries, as he has never been a sub before, and ihave never been a mistress. and as we are in love and just started exploring this, i have so many questions - where do i go for clothes? ideas? what's acceptable humiliation? is there a good book to read? i got one - it sucked.
thanks :)

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RE: it's all moving so fast - 5/5/2007 11:13:09 PM

SpinnerofTales

Posts: 1586
Joined: 5/30/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNew

it's kind of blowing my mind. I have a sub for the first time in my life, and it's incredible. I am still concerned about boundaries, as he has never been a sub before, and ihave never been a mistress. and as we are in love and just started exploring this, i have so many questions - where do i go for clothes? ideas? what's acceptable humiliation? is there a good book to read? i got one - it sucked.
thanks :)

Dear Ms. Fader (and bonus points to anyone who recognizes that begining to an answer)

Finding out the delights you can get with a d/s relationship is a heady experience. And yes, things seem to go fast..so allow me to try to give a little free advice.

1) D/s outfits can be gotten all over the web and sent to you... try searching under "scenewear" "Leather clothing" "bdsm clothing"....also, I'm sure there are a few shops in seattle that sell scene stuff. TO find them, google out local S&M user groups or such and just ask around...sooner or later you'll find what you're looking for.

2) Every person has their own feeling of what is "acceptable" humiliation. The key to finding your particual "acceptable" is to a) go slowly and b) talk to your sub. One trick that always works is the "you know, I should do X to you one day" with X being an idea you want to see his reaction to. That way, you can tell if you're in the right ballpark or not. And remember, go slolwy...as a Domme, your subs safety and that includes his ego and self esteem is your responsibility.

3) The Loving Dominant by (I beilieve) John Warren is a good start...it has a lot of good information...another book (and I can't remember the author) is "Come Hither)...start with those and you can move on from there.

Hope this helpped and, if I can do anything else to lend a hand, let me know.

(in reply to MistressNew)

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RE: it's all moving so fast - 5/5/2007 11:37:21 PM

vield

Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Very good, MistressNew!
You just kinda found the key to the candy store in your box of crakerjacks, and you are being responsible about what you do. I am very glad to see this.
As you are the dominant, first of all you can set all the boundaries you wish towards anything you do not like to do, do not want to do and do not feel comfortable yet in doing.
In my life, I also thoroughly go through an 8 page list of terms with a partner new to me (dom or sub), and insist we talk in detail about how each of us likes, tolerates, dislikes or refuses to allow each item. I rate each item from hard limit to zero to 5 with zero being a soft (pushable) limit and 5 being wildly exciting. I rate the item this way for doing the act to another, for having another do the act to me, and for rating the act as a fantasy only. This brings Lots of info one might not expect. The numbers WILL change and this needs to be expected.
For example you may feel very hot about using a singletail whip of your partner and may find this a very hot # 5 fantasy. However you do not own a good singletail, and you realize it will take a minimum of 5 or 6 months of practice on targets and pillows after you own a good singletail to be safe with using it, so "doing this to another" may be "zero" at this time. It could be that "having this done to you" is "NO!" a hard limit, or in fact may be a "#3, I am curious" if you know someone proficient that you trust.
Of course this works for many actions, will soon change, and as both of you grow together limits will expand a bit or maybe a lot.

_____________________________

As always, your mileage may vary!

vield

(in reply to MistressNew)

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RE: it's all moving so fast - 5/6/2007 12:03:34 AM

Copulo

Posts: 268
Joined: 5/3/2007
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Hi Mistress New
I hope for both of you that this is the start of a good and fruitful journey.

I would say that the key things are;
read and talk with other dominants as much as you can.
Communication with your sub is of the highest importance.
Learn to read his body language, his expressions and the tone in his voice.
Find your own route and not that of someone else, they are not always right.
Take things fairly gently (for your own sake as well as his) to start off and build from that.
Learn primarily about things like sub drop and top drop. They will happen and if you understand what they are then you will handle them much better.

I kind of envy you because the beginning is so exciting.
All the best.

(in reply to vield)

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RE: it's all moving so fast - 5/6/2007 3:29:59 AM

Eldritchdancer

Posts: 101
Joined: 12/26/2006
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Greetings MistressNew,

1) Take a month and read the forums here at Collarme.

2) Have your sub read them with you.
3) DISCUSS things you find interesting, as well as things your sub finds intriguing.
4) Face-to-Face network with Lifestyle people in your area. There may be offers from people to mentor you, or your sub, or both. This will give you real-time feedback.

Book suggestion: A different kind of loving.

The list of suggestions can go much, much longer than that, but I'll stop there. But I will interject a single piece of opinion advice:

Just because you disagree with something, doesn't mean you can't learn something from it. Be it thought or deed.

Master Darkmoon

(in reply to Copulo)

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RE: it's all moving so fast - 5/6/2007 4:13:35 AM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
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And just because it is in type on the internet does not make it fact. Be careful of your internet searches and falling into the stupid stuff that abounds. I personally still love the the Castle Realm website even though there are no recent posts any more. I would suggest you both read the whole site inside and out.

www.castlerealm.com

D~

(in reply to Eldritchdancer)

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RE: it's all moving so fast - 5/6/2007 6:45:45 AM

KaramelGoddess

Posts: 404
Joined: 6/20/2006
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This is all great advice for you!
I have book suggestions, all available on amazon if you just search the title. They also have other suggestions for books/DVDs and I'm going to be shopping again soon

Screw the roses, send me the thorns.
Different Loving
The New Topping Book (My Fave)
Whipped: 20 Erotic Stories of Female Dominance (comes with a brilliant DVD)
The Mistress Manual (love the descriptions in this one)
The Art of sensual female dominance

Good luck on your new adventure, and Welcome.

With kind regard,
~Kara

_____________________________

"Never eat more than you can lift." ~ Miss Piggy

(in reply to earthycouple)

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RE: it's all moving so fast - 5/6/2007 7:58:36 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNew

it's kind of blowing my mind. I have a sub for the first time in my life, and it's incredible. I am still concerned about boundaries, as he has never been a sub before, and ihave never been a mistress. and as we are in love and just started exploring this, i have so many questions - where do i go for clothes? ideas? what's acceptable humiliation? is there a good book to read? i got one - it sucked.
thanks :)

In general go with what feels empowering and positive for you -- don't try to dress up or act a way that doesn't feel natural to you because the awkwardness will show and make you feel less dominant.

As for books, find online stores like QSM or KinkyBooks or publisher specific like Greenery Press. One book is not enough -- the goal isn't to find a book but to try a lot and see how they get you to think more and help you figure out more what you want to do.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MistressNew)

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THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU - 5/6/2007 8:23:31 AM

MistressNew

Posts: 112
Joined: 5/5/2007
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honestly, i am on the verge of tears. the outpouring of advice and kindness is so wonderful and unexpected. i am looking forward to this journey and am so thankful i have found a place with such beautiful people to help me along the way.

much love and many, many thanks,
mistressnew

ps. my sub is kinda losing his shit he is so excited. very, very empowering, i must say.

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RE: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU - 5/6/2007 10:28:55 AM

KaramelGoddess

Posts: 404
Joined: 6/20/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNew

honestly, i am on the verge of tears. the outpouring of advice and kindness is so wonderful and unexpected. i am looking forward to this journey and am so thankful i have found a place with such beautiful people to help me along the way.

much love and many, many thanks,
mistressnew

ps. my sub is kinda losing his shit he is so excited. very, very empowering, i must say.

*smiles*
You're welcome. Your sentence about your sub losing his shit made Me laugh out loud! I know how that looks in a man and it *is* indeed very empowering. Gives Me a buzz! Good luck with your new journey.
~Kara

_____________________________

"Never eat more than you can lift." ~ Miss Piggy

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RE: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU - 5/6/2007 11:47:00 AM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNew

honestly, i am on the verge of tears. the outpouring of advice and kindness is so wonderful and unexpected. i am looking forward to this journey and am so thankful i have found a place with such beautiful people to help me along the way.

much love and many, many thanks,
mistressnew

ps. my sub is kinda losing his shit he is so excited. very, very empowering, i must say.

Hope the two of you have a wonderful journey of exploration together.

Don't forget that there are many books out there written just for your sub as well! "The Bottoming Book" is one that is a good compliment to "The Topping Book" mentioned above and is by the same authors. I'm not certain if there's a "New" version out yet or not.

I'd also recommend "SM 101: A Realistic Introduction" by Jay Wiseman, "Anal Pleasure & Health, A Guide for Men & Women" by Jack Morin, and I'd also highly recommend "The Fine Art of Erotic Talk" by Bonnie Gabriel.

I'm sure there's lots more and many web sites I could list, but I'm sure you'll find them as you explore. There's only so much you can absorb as you move along your journey of exploration and discover what feels right for the two of you. Remember that it's your relationship. Make it what the two of you want it to be and not what others tell you it's supposed to be according to their definitions.

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to MistressNew)

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RE: it's all moving so fast - 5/6/2007 9:04:54 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
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Clothes can indeed add to play by enhancing a mindset. For me, the value of clothes is more towards dressing in spirit to attend a fetish event. I think doing so contributes to the collective energy of participation, which makes the event more enjoyable. I like to try on clothing items. I have gotten mine at BDSM conventions and at stores. Some people find interesting items at thrift stores.

I think forums are a great resource for ideas. BDSM erotica can also provide ideas with a note that some ideas in erotica are better left as ideas. I think what you two enjoy matters most. And I think it is important to understand the core of interests so as to allow your creativity to find other ways to touch this core. For instance, an interest in faceslapping for sake of symbolic value of having the face violated suggests other ways to touch this core (of having the face violated). I think a conversation about what each of you sees to be dominant and submissive will serve you well.

Acceptable humiliation is subjective. I see there to be two broad forms of humiliation: SM humiliation and D/s humiliation. In SM humiliation, emotional perturbance occurs. D/s humiliation is without emotional perturbance and is more towards a willing gesture of humility (for example, bowing and kissing feet).

Midori (internationally known BDSM educator) frequently travels to major cities and presents on various topics. She does a great seminar on humiliation. She holds that just as there are load bearing walls and non load bearing walls that support a roof, there are load bearing traits and non load bearing traits that support a person's sense of self worth. Her approach suggests avoiding the load bearing traits and playing with the non load bearing traits while reinforcing the load bearing ones. Her seminar has a demo which, aside from having fap value, discusses which traits she reinforced and which she played.

Educational books that are well regarded:

The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green
Master's Manual by Jack Rinella
Various books by Guy Baldwin
The Loving Dominant by John Warren

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 5/6/2007 9:10:19 PM >

(in reply to MistressNew)

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RE: it's all moving so fast - 5/7/2007 6:24:14 AM

MistressNew

Posts: 112
Joined: 5/5/2007
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hello all -
so the jounrey continues. I have been experimenting with a number of things in the past few days with my sub - and so mnay interesting things have come out. There are a lot of underlying insecurites that have emerged - what it means to be a real man, what it means to be in a "normal" relationship. My natural instinct has been to reassure him that only a real man knows how to please a strong woman; i have realized that what he has been searching for is someone to love him for all his desires that he views as abnormal and embarrassing.

What i have yet to really understand is the difference between punishment and reinforcement of our dom/sub relationship. There is so much more research i need to do, i know. But he expressed some level of discomfort with the S/M aspects of my reinforcement. It has been an amazing dialogue, needless to say. We have become infintely closer in a matter of 48 hours since i joined this site and got such incredible guidance from you all.

What you wrote, Sea, about the core versus peripheral made so much sense - i have been trying to play with aspects of gender that are societally constructed - making him wear my underwear and skirts and make me movies - while trying to make sure he knows how much he is loved, and that i will take care of him forever. I am trying to also let go of being the pleaser - i have always been the one to make all the sacrifices in my past relationships bc i thought that was my place; now i see that my place has always been to be the one in control because i can handle the responsibility - i want to be a responsible domme; that is my ultimate goal.

I ordered a few of the books - or rather made my sub order them ;) - but pixel, you mentioned a book for my sub? what sort of guidance does it provide?

Thanks again, everyone, for all you help. It has been invaluable.

Cheers,
MistressNew

(in reply to undergroundsea)

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RE: it's all moving so fast - 5/7/2007 7:16:12 AM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNew
What i have yet to really understand is the difference between punishment and reinforcement of our dom/sub relationship. There is so much more research i need to do, i know. But he expressed some level of discomfort with the S/M aspects of my reinforcement.

I am glad to hear things are progressing well!

I am not sure if I understand completely what you mean above. I will comment on a related matter.

Indeed the idea of punishment can become fuzzy because it falls within play (uh oh, look what you did, now it's time for punishment, hehee, go get me the cane) and within actual discipline and displeasure (you have displeased me and you will be punished). For instance, let's suppose there is a minor infraction about which there had not been prior discussion but you want to punish him anyway. I think saying that you know that he did not know about the matter and while you are not truly upset, you are going to punish him anyway because you want to will have a different effect than saying that he has displeased you and he will be punished.

It is up to you to define how much each fits in your dynamic. I think it is important to distinguish between playful punishment and actual punishment or serious transgression. One couple I know reserves one implement for only the latter type of punishment. When punishment occurs, I think it is important for the sub to understand what he did that was wrong, and what is the expected correct behavior. I think the discussion of why punishment is occurring will help him see whether the punishment is due to an oversight or an attitude.

There are different schools of thought of when punishment is justified. I think the type or flavor of punishment should fit the intention more than the action.

Punishment allows for creativity by suiting the punishment to the action.

For a sub who likes to please, simply knowing that he has caused displeasure punishes him. And he will likely be more insecure in the beginning about how well he is doing as a sub, and about the relationship. The need for feedback may be greater in the beginning. It might help to discuss these types of insecurities, or to ask him specifically how he feels when he is punished. It may help to convey to him that punishment is part of the learning process, and how much or not or when you see it as failure.

I think dominance in some dynamics involves the type of leadership principles that are taught to supervisors and managers (when you did this, it made feel this versus you make me feel this or you are this and that--directing feedback against an action versus the person) which account for emotional needs of those under leadership. Another example of these principles is to provide knowledge about your general objectives which will allow decision making that is consistent with your objectives. Drawing upon personal experiences or books that teach these principles could also help if the BDSM books alone do not cover these ideas adequately.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 5/7/2007 7:35:46 AM >

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