Needing some advice..

Needing some advice.. (Full Version)

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Arabella21 -> Needing some advice.. (5/6/2007 10:04:21 PM)
Hi A/all, I'm still learning and I feel like I need a little guidance. I have been involved with a Dom for about a month, I have spent time with him in person a few times. We've had a play and he took me to dinner. I am really intrigued and captivated by him and love the time we have spent together. He is very busy at work so he encourages me not to call or text his mobile which I have complied with. We communicate via email, but he seemed to get annoyed the few times I have emailed him without an invitation. My conflict is that when we are together he seems genuine, and satisfied with me, but it fucks with my mind because of the limited communication. I can't help but worry that I'm being 'played'. We've never discussed this it's more of an informal agreement I suppose. Is it 'protocol' for me to be at his beck and call? Is it presumptuous for me to expect more at this stage of our affair? Is this something I need to address in myself or is he being 'negligent'? (lol) Anyways any thoughts or advice on this would be appreciated. bella xo

fairerthanshe -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/6/2007 10:16:20 PM)
Greetings, Yes, you should definitely discuss this with him. Find out what is going on or you will just stew in your own juices... well wishes, fairer than she

juliaoceania -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/6/2007 10:23:04 PM)
I would be concerned if I was expected to be submissive to someone that I could not contact without "permission". I would wonder why. I would probably question whether or not he was married or involved with someone else. Do you know where he lives? Do you have his landline? have you seen his identification? Do you know where he works? All these questions would be answered for me before I played with someone. Some men are pretty sneaky and sly and can talk a good game.. but when you call them on it and they cannot wiggle out of it, they tend to go away rather quickly.

spanklette -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/6/2007 10:33:02 PM)
He may have various valid reasons behind Him wanting you to aquire permission before contacting Him. He may be a player or married or any number of other things. The bottom line is how this makes you feel. My suggestion would be to discuss your feelings with Him. Process his answers and decide whether this is someone you feel comfortable continuing to associate with. Be upfront and clear, but not accusatory. And, be ready for an answer you might not like.

Arabella21 -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/6/2007 10:48:40 PM)
Thank you everyone, I will raise this issue with him next time we talk. I don't so much mind that he is involved or busy etc, I am a big girl, I guess I just want to know where I stand. It is making me uncomfortable, and thank you spanklette for reminding me of the most important thing, how this makes me feel. (Well, duh) ;) Cheers all, bella xo

spanklette -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/6/2007 10:53:06 PM)
Well, I'm glad I could be of some assistance.[:)] Sometimes you just need an outside opinion to help get yourself in a more objective state of mind.

Arabella21 -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/6/2007 11:05:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: spanklette Well, I'm glad I could be of some assistance.[:)] Sometimes you just need an outside opinion to help get yourself in a more objective state of mind. So very true. ;) bella xo

katinkka -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/7/2007 12:30:29 AM)
I really don't see why being busy should make any difference? Nobody is so busy they can't respond to a text or even read it. Is everyone else in his life also banned from communicating with him because he is 'busy'? Sounds like he isn't very commited to me. I'm sorry to say. I find it bizarre that he gets annoyed by you emailing him. Perhaps he does just want the fun but doesnt want to be bothered about caring about you and its not what I would call a relationship.

Arabella21 -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/7/2007 1:11:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: katinkka I really don't see why being busy should make any difference? Nobody is so busy they can't respond to a text or even read it. Is everyone else in his life also banned from communicating with him because he is 'busy'? Sounds like he isn't very commited to me. I'm sorry to say. I find it bizarre that he gets annoyed by you emailing him. Perhaps he does just want the fun but doesnt want to be bothered about caring about you and its not what I would call a relationship. I think that may be the case and I am just hesitant in facing the facts. Thank you katinkka, as much as I hate hearing it your advice is warranted. [;)] arabella xo

Lordandmaster -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/7/2007 1:14:58 AM)
Actually, it sounds to me like someone who's afraid that his s/o will find strange text messages on his phone. quote: ORIGINAL: katinkka I really don't see why being busy should make any difference? Nobody is so busy they can't respond to a text or even read it. Is everyone else in his life also banned from communicating with him because he is 'busy'? Sounds like he isn't very commited to me. I'm sorry to say.

NakedGirlScout -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/7/2007 1:30:11 AM)
No matter what the actual reason behind his behavior, it's not possible to form a close and committed relationship with someone who finds your communications a bother unless he's initiating them. That in itself should be enough to have serious consequences, even if he had valid reasons.

MissOchistic -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/7/2007 1:47:16 AM)
So he wants to always initiate contact, and never have you contact him suddenly or unexpectedly? To me this sounds very suspicious. I should think he might be concerned with where he is/who is around him when he recieves your messages. I would definitely talk to him about this, and be cautious until you get a satisfactory explanation.

eyesopened -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/7/2007 2:09:17 AM)
Take this from someone who tends to over-think everything. It's not the action it is the motive that counts. First of all, the relationship is brand new. It could be that He is seeing if you can respond to orders instead of impulses. It could be that He's married. It could be that He's had to deal with too many females in the past who text and email 20 times a day and wants to let the relationship evolve more before allowing you more freedom. It could be any number of things but like it's been said before, rather than speculate, ask Him.

Areflectionofyou -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/7/2007 4:33:43 AM)
as stated by others it could be innocent or creative hiding you from someone else...ask and look at the signs. Ask yourself what your limitations are , before hand...can you nlive with yourself if he is married and cheating? then go from there...don't jump...ask questions creatively to get the answers you need and not alienate him.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/7/2007 7:34:34 AM)
We all have different "love languages". These are the languages we use to express and recieve love. According to Chapman's book called The Five Languages of Love these are: Quality time Quality talk Physical Touch Acts of Service Gifts It seems that the way you want to receive love is through quality talk. Often it's hard to understand when the other person doesn't speak to you in your language. I suggest, 1) tell him how important this is to you and 2) ask him which one is his prefered language and try to speak that to him. Then, as others have suggested, you can guage your reactions to his behavior and decide if it's a good barter for you. Master Fire

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/7/2007 7:44:32 AM)
You are doing the right thing- you're not sure and uncomfortable about where things are going, and so you bring it up directly with him to talk it out and see his perspective. On the surface- yes it sounds like you're just a fun diversion on the side. But talk it out and see where it goes.

Eruditegirl -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/7/2007 10:29:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arabella21 . My conflict is that when we are together he seems genuine, and satisfied with me, but it fucks with my mind because of the limited communication. I can't help but worry that I'm being 'played'. We've never discussed this it's more of an informal agreement I suppose. Is it 'protocol' for me to be at his beck and call? Is it presumptuous for me to expect more at this stage of our affair? Is this something I need to address in myself or is he being 'negligent'? (lol) Communication is so important....but more importantly is how this is making you feel....if you are already questioning yourself about this relationship....then maybe you need to think further ahead.... with so many variations and interpretations of protocol...for me...protocol is what the two of us have agreed upon....and that is all that matters to me...not anothers definition... needs are very important...and expressing them constructivly and negotiating them can clear up so many misunderstandings...

OsideGirl -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/7/2007 11:12:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania I would probably question whether or not he was married or involved with someone else. That would be my bet.

proudsub -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/7/2007 11:23:14 AM)
Ask if his wife is allowed to call him at work and if she has his email password.

Aswad -> RE: Needing some advice.. (5/7/2007 5:32:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: katinkka I really don't see why being busy should make any difference? Nobody is so busy they can't respond to a text or even read it. Is everyone else in his life also banned from communicating with him because he is 'busy'? Sounds like he isn't very commited to me. I'm sorry to say. I've been this busy at times, but not for extended periods of time. Being this busy for an extended period of time may lead to a lot of stress, and eventually burn-out, unless he's really good at managing his time. Drawing strict lines on all fronts is a strategy that some people find to work well. I'm not saying this is the case, just that one shouldn't necessarily jump to conclusions. quote: I find it bizarre that he gets annoyed by you emailing him. Perhaps he does just want the fun but doesnt want to be bothered about caring about you and its not what I would call a relationship. Or perhaps he has kids, or a wife, or maybe he reads his mail from work. In either case, he might not be very comfortable with the prospect that others might end up reading the mail before he has a chance to get to it. All in all, not necessarily a problem, but the whole thing does seem iffy. Most likely, if he is hiding something, it's probably either kids or a wife. In the former case, he could just be waiting to see how things work out before springing that topic, as many people have a knee-jerk reaction to kids. A wife could be a more tricky problem; either she doesn't know, which has obvious implications, or she does, in which case the question is whether you're looking for a deeper involvement.

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