Craftsman
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Joined: 6/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mons
greeting to all of you
this has shocked me to my very soul but i understand what went wrong with her and she told us she did these things she is so broken and upset beyond what she can think of . he told me if he were a bad kid he would see here doing this, i told him no one is to be done like this. my father made all of us nuts he made sure we felt we were ugly and no good i am a gifted artist and so is his mother but by the time he had done with us we are all nuts . i talk with him a long time oh my heart is broken for him and her the pain she is going through knwoing she did this and then he hated her. i wonder what my brother could had been if my father had not malosted him and andmy fahter i find it so shocking and so horrible it goes beyond what i cab handle now . he is mad at her my our childhood was so bad thank you all i will pass along the thoguths you have given me to him and then take some for me he poisuib my dog and did ( my father things to animals i can no handle nor do i want to even say what i am take up for my sister but i try to let him see what ahorrble chidhood wiuld make this change a person let this
thank you so please keep giving me advice i am in shock
mons
Hi, Mons,
I can't tell you what to do, nor how to do it. One of the first things, though, is to acknowledge that your nephew's feelings are genuine, real, and valid. That doesn't mean to make excuses or for you to take blame. Take the time to listen to your nephew, share some of your own feelings with him, and above all keep the communication open. I think that's the first move that will heal to whatever healing is possible.
In my family, there was denial, and insistance that the past is the past. No one believed me about things that happened. It took 50 years and the death of most of the family for some others in my generation to finally talk with one another, and then, after those 50 years, the healing started. In the mean time, the family disintegrated, the religious and spiritual basis was turned against by all of us young ones, and most of us didn't associate much with the elder ones. It is amazing what happens when elders protect themselves and each other with denial. Maybe they forget for a time who will select the home in which they will live their last days and hours. <shrug>
Divisiveness is built on people denying what happens, or denying that the emotions and perceptions are real. First thing I had to learn is that feelings and emotions are real. Second thing, and harder still, was to learn to accept them as real. Just like you can't start healing a physical wound that is infected until you clean out the infected pus, you can't start healing hearts and souls without accepting first that there is a problem, and second listening and supporting while the conflicts are aired.
Listening will do the most healing. In my family, that was the hardest to achieve. No one listened.
On the other hand, don't accept any abuse from anyone on the mistaken belief that it will help anyone. Venting does not defuse or reduce the stress or the anger. Sometimes the anger gets worse if venting happens. What seems to help is to talk. Remembering the pain, and accepting the pain, crying, wailing, hugging, comforting, all seem to work. The anger, in my opinion, is a secondary emotion. Anger defends against feeling weak. Maybe that's the most important concept. The idea is to provide for your nephew a place where he is accepted, heard, listened to, and safe. Safe to be weak, if that's what it takes. That means don't be trying to fix it with others. Just let your nephew and you work together and with each other, listening to each other. If you have to, and if you can, just make a safe relationship between your nephew and you.
I'm rambling, and I've said my two cent's worth. I hope it helps. If it doesn't work, then try something else. Above all, don't give up. Keep listening and keep loving. It is the only way I know of that breaks the cycle of breaking families apart.
Take good care of you!
Craftsman/
edited to add: What I suggested for opening communication with your nephew might also work with others, if they can accept it. The scars may not go away, but the pain might become a whole lot less if everyone gets honest and talks with each other. That may not feel safe at first, but getting past the pointing of fingers to getting into the basics of, "it wouldn't hurt so damn bad if we didn't care and didn't love." There is a lot of power in an honest, "I'm sorry" said to the right person at the right time. You might want to encourage that to your sister to tell her son. It won't undo the damage, but it might help the healing start. Talking as a family might help too. I think the bottom line is unclogging the communication lines in this kind of situation. Then again, I am not part of your family. I am only part of my own. Like I said before, ignore stuff I tell you if it won't work for you, but please don't give up on yourself, your siblings, or your nephew. Especially yourself.
C/
< Message edited by Craftsman -- 5/7/2007 10:03:54 PM >
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