RE: assignments and commitment

RE: assignments and commitment (Full Version)

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Justme696 -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/16/2008 9:28:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cainssub quote: ORIGINAL: Tigrita What does it mean to share yourself with someone? How is that accomplished? How is it reciprocated? One way, is giving someone room in your head, in your heart, in your life. When some of the little things you think and do, you do with them in mind. When it comes to D/s, this can happen in the form of tasks, or expectations, outside of play time. But how does one know that this is not one-sided? That they also make room in their life and their heart for you? "the essence of loyalty is reciprocity" Nelson DeMille "The Lions Game" i read his novels because Master enjoys them........just one of the ways i can give Him my time when we can't be in contact or engage in play, i read the same words He's read and then we can talk about it...... One can never know for sure if they've made it into someone elses heart....its called faith, you either believe they care for you in the same way or you dont. Master is in another state so i cant feel His touch (yet) to know, or even truly look into His eyes for the inkling.....He demonstrates how He feels by calling me, contacting me, checking on me and correcting me when necessary.......and by teaching me to grow in ways i never thought possible... that is lovely

Tigrita -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/16/2008 10:18:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam How do you do this to build a non-kink relationship? It works just the same...only the tools in the garage are different. Master Fire I agree for the most part. But something that struck me recently in my own experience and from Statepalace's thread was just how easy it is for a dominant to toss out expectations or assignments that take a lot of effort and commitment on the part of the submissive, potentially just for the benefit of an occasional hard-on for the dominant. She described his expectation that she be wearing a skirt when he calls, she was a tomboy and had to go shopping several times a week and change her sense of self to comply with this. She seems happy with the change, but still, it was a major investment financially, emotionally, logistically... how can one be sure this investment is reciprocated? It seems to be something she's struggling over. I have similar fears about entering something new that hasn't even gotten to that stage yet, but I've struggled with imbalanced relationships, imbalanced investment before, and want to head it off before it happens. The issue of tasks/expectations is particular to D/s and an easy way for this imbalance to happen it seems, that is why I bring it up. Thanks everyone for your replies. cainssub, nicely said.

KaylinSilverfurr -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/16/2008 10:32:09 AM)
A well thought out and careful Dom(me) will assign tasks given the sub/slave's ability and nature within those first initial meetings. For a Dom(me) to do so, this does actually require consideration and time investment on their part as well, and not for just "the occasional hard on". It gives them a larger clue as to what mindset the sub/slave is in, how much effort the sub/slave is willing to give, and what boundaries can/should be pushed. It's not quite as simple as "dolling out an assignment", it shows growth and understanding and should show the sub/slave something about themselves. Foe example, if I was going to be a Domme for a sub/slave who was a tomboy, initially my assignment to them would be to write an essay on how they feel wearing a skirt and heels or on Feminization, and how they think this refinement would improove them in their service to me. This is a relatively easy task to complete that does require some thought, but also gives me a look into the sub/slave's mind and to why they think the way they do. Some subs/slaves might have an easier time with it than others. YMMV of course. ~Kaylin P.S. waves to MasterFireMaam

Justme696 -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/16/2008 10:56:34 AM)
quote: Foe example, if I was going to be a Domme for a sub/slave who was a tomboy, initially my assignment to them would be to write an essay on how they feel wearing a skirt and heels or on Feminization, and how they think this refinement would improove them in their service to me. This is a relatively easy task to complete that does require some thought, but also gives me a look into the sub/slave's mind and to why they think the way they do. Some subs/slaves might have an easier time with it than others. that sounds like a good idea. not so much pressure on writing an essay..gives her time to think

KaylinSilverfurr -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/16/2008 11:17:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Justme696 quote: Foe example, if I was going to be a Domme for a sub/slave who was a tomboy, initially my assignment to them would be to write an essay on how they feel wearing a skirt and heels or on Feminization, and how they think this refinement would improove them in their service to me. This is a relatively easy task to complete that does require some thought, but also gives me a look into the sub/slave's mind and to why they think the way they do. Some subs/slaves might have an easier time with it than others. that sounds like a good idea. not so much pressure on writing an essay..gives her time to think Agreed, that, and some people find it easier to get their words out on paper than they do saying it vocally. It's also a step in seeing how well the sub/slave can vocalize her needs and desires. ~Kaylin

KatyLied -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/16/2008 11:50:49 AM)
I've had assignments in different forms. Some were for my edification in different subjects. For example, weekly I read an article, of my choosing from an on-line magazine of his choosing and reported on it. I also did some research in areas of interest to me, with an eye toward personal growth, under his direction. Sometimes I guess submissives are required to do "busy work" or work that is not fully explained. In those times I would consider doing them more as an act of submitting than worrying about whether he was getting something out of it. Because sometimes the purpose of assignments is nothing more than to extert authority and have someone comply to it.

LPslittleclip -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/16/2008 4:38:58 PM)
i started as a service only submissive with M'Lady and when W/we first discussed limits i stated that i like to cook and clean and other house work. M'Lady has given me tasks to help Her and to enlighten me as well. i would agree that any relationship needs to have some effort put in and commitment to the relationship goes hand in hand. proudly collared by LadyPact LPs_littleclip

Statepalace -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/16/2008 6:53:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tigrita ... how can one be sure this investment is reciprocated? I don't think you can know, not without asking directly. I think the healthiest thing to do is have internal limits for yourself as to what things, or what length of time, you are willing to invest in someone without that knowledge that it is reciprocated. Some assignments do make you start to think a certain way, and I would hope (and for myself I do hope) that a dom/me would be aware of that. "Wear slutty clothing when we go out together" is, to me, vastly different than "I've decided to turn you into a Red Sox fan. If they lose and you're in pants, no masturbating". It makes one start to think that you are learning and changing in order to fit into the dom/me's life at some future point. I would be curious to know if a majority of dom/me's have differences in what they would consider "play partner assignments" and "long term partner assignments". Should you really ask that young college girl/guy to change majors just for the thrill of knowing you control them to that degree, if you have no intentions of ever sharing your life with them? Oh, and I'm in a skirt every day now. Except when it's cold ;)

Justme696 -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/17/2008 2:02:56 AM)
quote: I would be curious to know if a majority of dom/me's have differences in what they would consider "play partner assignments" and "long term partner assignments". Should you really ask that young college girl/guy to change majors just for the thrill of knowing you control them to that degree, if you have no intentions of ever sharing your life with them? You made me think about this one. Not sure if the assigments are different. But with a long time partner I surely work them out more (the plans) and propably present them in an other way. I am sure because of the feelings involved. quote: Oh, and I'm in a skirt every day now. Except when it's cold ;) Lovely, now stop teasing me with that image ;)

kyraofMists -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/17/2008 5:06:49 AM)
I have been thinking about this thread for the past couple of days because I am having trouble finding the words that I think accurately reflect what I want to say. When I first met my Lord over three years ago our development from exchanging emails online to making the commitment to enter a M/s relationship was so incredibly fluid and just naturally flowed from one step to the next. I think the biggest thing is that neither of us gave more than we were capable of giving in the moment. I know for myself (and I am pretty sure that he thinks the same) that at any point along the way if the interactions would have ended I would not have regretted meeting him and giving of myself. I think that is the key for me. I gave only what I could afford and I did it for myself. He gave only what he could afford and he did it for himself. Up until the point that he accepted me as his slave, each step I took because I wanted to and because I could afford to make it at the time. Afford mostly in the mental and emotional sense rather than the financial. After becoming his slave, my motivation for taking the steps became focused on doing his will rather than my own. Before becoming his slave, it was extremely rare for him to give me orders or instructions. It was only after we made the commitment for me to visit that he expressed some expectations that he had of me. One was to research safe calls and to make sure I had one when I came here and the other was to fill out the SM worksheet that he created so he could have an idea of what I thought I would be interested in and what terrified me. For the most part he would tell me things he liked, express what he would want or ask me to do something specific. There was no expectation on his part that I comply with any of this. If I chose not to do these things it would not have harmed the relationship; it may have only changed the direction in which the relationship was going. I know that for him, he does not give orders to other people unless they have expressly consented to transfer authority in that area. With Alandra and me, he has authority in all areas of our life, so he expects that all requests and instructions will be obeyed because that is his will. With someone that is a play partner, he may only have authority within the play, so there is no expectation that any request made outside of the area he has authority would be complied with. If the person chooses to do so, they do it of their own free will. Eventually, both of us had to take that leap of faith and just trust that the other was as committed to the relationship as we were. We took the steps that we were capable of taking even if the other person did not reciprocate and then when the time came we just took that leap of faith. I think he took that leap before I did and it was so worth it for both of us. Knight's Kyra lol for having trouble finding words, I sure put down a lot of them g

LadyPact -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/17/2008 5:51:27 AM)
I hope you won't mind a Domme's point of view. For starters. I'm not the type to just throw random assignments out. Usually, any assignment that I give My submissive has an actual bearing on where he is in his situation, how his training is progressing, and areas that he needs to work on. I want the assignments that I give to be worthwhile. There should always be something gained. Sorry, Red Socks fans, but I don't give those type of instructions. One example of matched time and commitment to his assignments is one that I currently have him working on. It became obvious that, in most circumstances, I was getting more of what I wanted by his responding to threads here than what was being written in his journal. For him, it seems better to address specific points just now, than to get these ideas out without prompting. On evenings that W/we are not together, he is to read and respond to five threads. (This happened to be one of them.) An easy enough request, however, this is what happens behind the scenes. First of all, I do the research. I pick out five threads that I want him to cover. I take the time to read the thread in it's entirerty, to determine if it's suitable. If it is, it's selected and I move to the next. If not, I start over with a different thread, and the process continues until I have found the number he is to write on that day. Along with this, is the reading of his actual responses the next morning, as well as incorporating the throughts into his training. There's also the time discussing what he's written, and the "creativity" time as I orchastrate how to put some of his progress into place. Of course, not everything is this involved, but it's a good example of how both sides have an investment.

Justme696 -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/17/2008 6:55:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact I hope you won't mind a Domme's point of view. For starters. I'm not the type to just throw random assignments out. Usually, any assignment that I give My submissive has an actual bearing on where he is in his situation, how his training is progressing, and areas that he needs to work on. I want the assignments that I give to be worthwhile. There should always be something gained. Sorry, Red Socks fans, but I don't give those type of instructions. One example of matched time and commitment to his assignments is one that I currently have him working on. It became obvious that, in most circumstances, I was getting more of what I wanted by his responding to threads here than what was being written in his journal. For him, it seems better to address specific points just now, than to get these ideas out without prompting. On evenings that W/we are not together, he is to read and respond to five threads. (This happened to be one of them.) An easy enough request, however, this is what happens behind the scenes. First of all, I do the research. I pick out five threads that I want him to cover. I take the time to read the thread in it's entirerty, to determine if it's suitable. If it is, it's selected and I move to the next. If not, I start over with a different thread, and the process continues until I have found the number he is to write on that day. Along with this, is the reading of his actual responses the next morning, as well as incorporating the throughts into his training. There's also the time discussing what he's written, and the "creativity" time as I orchastrate how to put some of his progress into place. Of course, not everything is this involved, but it's a good example of how both sides have an investment. Thank you for sharing. Very nice information. Never thought of that

Tigrita -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/17/2008 11:35:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KaylinSilverfurr A well thought out and careful Dom(me) will assign tasks given the sub/slave's ability and nature within those first initial meetings. For a Dom(me) to do so, this does actually require consideration and time investment on their part as well, and not for just "the occasional hard on". It gives them a larger clue as to what mindset the sub/slave is in, how much effort the sub/slave is willing to give, and what boundaries can/should be pushed. It's not quite as simple as "dolling out an assignment", it shows growth and understanding and should show the sub/slave something about themselves. Foe example, if I was going to be a Domme for a sub/slave who was a tomboy, initially my assignment to them would be to write an essay on how they feel wearing a skirt and heels or on Feminization, and how they think this refinement would improove them in their service to me. This is a relatively easy task to complete that does require some thought, but also gives me a look into the sub/slave's mind and to why they think the way they do. Some subs/slaves might have an easier time with it than others. This describes an ideal situation to me, nicely said. Though the point about tasks assigned in initial meetings, demonstrating the sub's commitment, this brings up another point I've noticed before. Often it seems that dom(me)s want such a display of commitment, even before there is emotional trust established. That seems backwards to me. I think you are not referring to that, you seem to have a healthy perspective about the dom(me)'s commitment too, but that is just another point that comes to mind.

Tigrita -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/17/2008 11:37:45 AM)
Thanks for weighing in Statepalace. I wish you all the best in your situation. I have a good feeling about it, I think you might be happily surprised when you open up. But maybe that is just wishful thinking because I'm a bit afraid to open up myself right now, and that isn't a position I advocate.

Tigrita -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/17/2008 12:06:58 PM)
Thank you for the wonderful well-thought-out post kyra. quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists I think the biggest thing is that neither of us gave more than we were capable of giving in the moment. I know for myself (and I am pretty sure that he thinks the same) that at any point along the way if the interactions would have ended I would not have regretted meeting him and giving of myself. I think that is the key for me. I gave only what I could afford and I did it for myself. He gave only what he could afford and he did it for himself. Up until the point that he accepted me as his slave, each step I took because I wanted to and because I could afford to make it at the time. Afford mostly in the mental and emotional sense rather than the financial. After becoming his slave, my motivation for taking the steps became focused on doing his will rather than my own. I think this is the heart of it, also expressed by Statepalace. One has to be willing to invest a bit, weighing the risk that there might not be a return (sorry, someone was trying to enstill some economic knowhow in me earlier this week and I guess it stuck lol). I guess I'm just regretting the timing in that I am tapped out and possibly overly cautious at the momemt. Sometimes I wonder if I'd feel differently if I wouldn't be making this harder than it has to be if the timing were different and I had more to invest. quote: Before becoming his slave, it was extremely rare for him to give me orders or instructions. It was only after we made the commitment for me to visit that he expressed some expectations that he had of me. ... For the most part he would tell me things he liked, express what he would want or ask me to do something specific. There was no expectation on his part that I comply with any of this. If I chose not to do these things it would not have harmed the relationship; it may have only changed the direction in which the relationship was going. I know that for him, he does not give orders to other people unless they have expressly consented to transfer authority in that area. With Alandra and me, he has authority in all areas of our life, so he expects that all requests and instructions will be obeyed because that is his will. With someone that is a play partner, he may only have authority within the play, so there is no expectation that any request made outside of the area he has authority would be complied with. If the person chooses to do so, they do it of their own free will. I agree with that perspective. Becoming playpartners happened quickly becuase we just had really unusually intense chemistry that way. We also have a lot in common as vanilla friends. But I'm not emotionally prepared to give him authority in my life outside of play because of a lot of emotional drains and pressures in my life right now, I really need to be living for myself. I know I will just talk to him about this, thank you everyone for helping me get my thoughts straight. I think requests, or communicating things that would be pleasing, but without orders and expectations is a strategy I operate really well with. I think it lets me demonstrate commitment that comes from my heart, rather than pressure that I just feel uncomfortable refusing. He is more service and assignment oriented in his direction than I'm used to, so that is part of the reason I'm struggling a bit. I'll just have to find a way to communicate this. He also has a lot of other things on his plate, he has a vanilla girlfriend, plays with several subs, and runs several businesses, so I guess I just think that it is not realistic to think that I might have a real place in his life at some point, so I don't want to invest too much of myself. Wow, I'm not used to baring my soul like I have been lately on here. Here's to strangers on the internet with too much time on their hands. Thanks everyone. Edited to add: thanks LadyPact, that sounds like a great, meaningful task for both of you and a perspective I relate to.

Justme696 -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/17/2008 12:08:54 PM)
quote: Wow, I'm not used to baring my soul like I have been lately on here. Here's to strangers on the internet with too much time on their hands. Thanks everyone. yvw Same for me.so many thoughts and different views. Feel like in school again...just better

KatyLied -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/17/2008 12:13:23 PM)
quote: I guess I just think that it is not realistic to think that I might have a real place in his life at some point, so I don't want to invest too much of myself. I felt like this initially, in a relationship that I was in. I knew that there would never be an element of "forever" or even building for a future "forever". Of course I didn't take into consideration that all we truly have is today and what happens in our world today. I kept thinking that it was wrong to fully submit in a relationship that had no no long-term potential. I really struggled with it and my dom understood my struggle because I talked to him about it. I did end up submitting as fully as I could and I like to think I did a pretty good job with it, even though I struggled. I think perhaps if you look at it from the standpoint that you can have personal growth and giving yourself fully to someone is a big thing to do. It's not always good to get caught up in looking too far into the future, especially if it means passing up some experiences that can be life-changing and positive. Sometimes you can be rewarded in surprising ways. At least that has been the case in my experience.

Tigrita -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/17/2008 1:48:15 PM)
Hm. That is an interesting perspective. I think I understand and relate somewhat to where you are coming from, because I'm someone who firmly believes that love and submission does not have to come with a promise of forever. But in the here and now, for me, there does have to be balance. As someone said, I won't make someone a priority who only makes me an option. Do you feel you gave more of yourself than your dom gave to you, and were you comfortable with that? I don't think I could ever be satisfied with that.

KatyLied -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/17/2008 1:59:05 PM)
He made it very clear what the relationship was and would be. That was the difficult part for me. This sort of thing isn't for everyone, and like I said, I struggled with it. He helped with many things. He and I are very different in many ways, I am highly emotional and can be a high strung especially when I am stressed, he is calm, technical, not very excitable, so for me, it was a good match, and a balance that I appreciated. If I had felt like I was constantly giving, it would've been difficult for me, but I got a lot of things out of the relationship that have helped me in different areas. And he remains an important person in my life.

LadyPact -> RE: assignments and commitment (1/17/2008 2:02:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Justme696 Thank you for sharing. Very nice information. Never thought of that You're very welcome. Tigrita, you are welcome, too, and thank you for starting the thread. It's been very insightful.

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