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Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 10:37:43 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
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From this thread: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3356454/tm.htm I thought I would rephrase the question a bit for further conversation:

For s-types: Is there a minimum you expect from the dominant in your relationship as far as non-vanilla based interactions such as protocol, play, punishment, bdsm and all that jazz? Assume that you and he/she are compatible and fantastic, you want to follow him/her until the end of time, off a cliff if necessary (that's sarcasm). What about the other stuff? What is your expectation there? What do you do when your expectation isn't being met?

For D-types: How do you address this issue in your relationships? Does your s-type have the ability to communciate their needs/expectations with you? How? Do you take steps to make sure that you are both on the same page with regard to these issues? Do YOU have a minimum expectation of availability and willingness with regard to these activities/interactions?

For everyone, if that type of interaction ended in your relationship would it be a deal-breaker in a relationship that is otherwise satisfying and fulfilling? (that's not from the other thread, I just found the question interesting)

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

Post #: 1

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 10:47:07 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
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I would have said my expectations are that she always say what's on her mind.

It has recently been pointed out to me that, that might not exactly be the case...:)

I still think that folks should try and be aware that any sort of relationship is always in flux.

My minimum expectations would be that she understand that while I have her best interests at heart, I am not perfect.

I may indeed fuck up so she had better be paying attention too.

As for "activities"? I want what I want when I want it. I expect to get it.

< Message edited by Jeffff -- 8/12/2010 10:50:54 AM >

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RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 11:04:05 AM

blueroses81

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Joined: 1/7/2010
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It's all about communication. Having gone through some recent changes, I know my Master and I could cut off all ties to BDSM and we would still be together. When we got together we got to know each other as a person first, then threw kink into the mix. I knew He was a Dominant, He knew I was a submissive. Then of course, there is life that gets in the middle of things, you know like kids, work, bills, family, etc. After we started living together we realized that we just had to communicate with each other. There is always a certain level of protocol there. It just rises and falls as we see fit and what works best for us.

Fe!

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 3

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 11:20:20 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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Carol has no "bdsm-ey" expectations of me. She has no desire to be a sub/slave/whatever. Her expectations of me are all in vanilla-land and her desire in return is simply to be my perfect mate.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 4

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 11:31:51 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

She has no desire to be your slave, yet she is. Magical.

I make it very clear from the OUTSET, and even beforehand, what kind of a dominant I am. I am not the queen of TRADITIONAL protocols, but I am still a leather person. I expect certain behaviors, and I expect to NOT see others. It's all negotiation, right?

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 5

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 11:40:34 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

For s-types: Is there a minimum you expect from the dominant in your relationship as far as non-vanilla based interactions such as protocol, play, punishment, bdsm and all that jazz? Assume that you and he/she are compatible and fantastic, you want to follow him/her until the end of time, off a cliff if necessary (that's sarcasm). What about the other stuff? What is your expectation there? What do you do when your expectation isn't being met?

The opposite, there is a maximum I will be able to tolerate. I am not a protocol sort of person. I do not thrive in punishing dynamics. I do have BDSM needs, and these are negotiated with the dominant in my life for compatibility.

Edited to add... as far as my expectations being met, I still struggle to find my voice to communicate that. It is hard for me to know when to voice it or just sit on it for awhile.

quote:

For everyone, if that type of interaction ended in your relationship would it be a deal-breaker in a relationship that is otherwise satisfying and fulfilling? (that's not from the other thread, I just found the question interesting)

No, but it would definitely change the parameters of it

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 8/12/2010 12:14:52 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 6

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 11:41:49 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
She has no desire to be your slave, yet she is. Magical.

*laughs* Yeah, I see it that way too. It's not, really, of course. It's just that her focus is on being pleasing any old way it needs to happen and so as long as I happen to want a slave... well.. there ya go.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 7

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 11:43:12 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
She has no desire to be your slave, yet she is. Magical.
*laughs* Yeah, I see it that way too. It's not, really, of course. It's just that her focus is on being pleasing any old way it needs to happen and so as long as I happen to want a slave... well.. there ya go.

What can you say to that but WIN!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 8

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 12:12:11 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm going to start at the end and work My way back.

If the stuff connected to BDSM ended, yes, the dynamic would be over. I'm poly, but My purpose for being poly is specifically for the BDSM part and the authority dynamic. Being poly for Me has never been about an additional vanilla relationship. If I took away all of those things that are considered 'extras' by many who have a D/s or M/s dynamic that is based on romantic love, there would be no point in the involvement.

On to this part -
For D-types: How do you address this issue in your relationships?

I'm rather protocol/ritual heavy in a dynamic to begin with. I think it would be a real push for darn near any s type out there to want more structure (short of micro-managing) than what I prefer. I use these methods to reaffirm our chosen roles within the dynamic.

Does your s-type have the ability to communciate their needs/expectations with you?

Yes.

How?

I expect him to open his mouth and tell Me. LOL. (I've always maintained that clip is required to give full disclosure in areas like this.)

Kidding aside, I can remember one period about two years ago where I was putting in extra hours at work. This was made worse by My schedule at the time and it meant losing time on weekends. We weren't playing as much because I was just plain too tired. I was aware of it, but it was not the priority with the additional time being used at the job. Yes, he told Me. It was done in a respectful way and I had no issue with it. Thankfully, it was a temporary situation that was resolved soon after that.

Do you take steps to make sure that you are both on the same page with regard to these issues?

Yes. During the duration of this dynamic, we've had to compensate for various situations. You can't exactly expect your sub to be kneeling, waiting for you to come through the door when he's half way across the world. There have been times that we've had to alter what is appropriate due to circumstances. If we're finding that it is not enough, we discuss it and look for areas that can improve.

Do YOU have a minimum expectation of availability and willingness with regard to these activities/interactions?

Yes, I do. However, I think some folks who know Me from the boards would be surprized to hear that I am probably more flexible than they might think. If there are things burning on the stove or a sick kid in the house, the BDSM part can wait. I'm very much a priority driven person and there are other things that trump BDSM. Looking at the whole picture is how I determine availability in the first place. Once I have determined that, the willingness and obedience had better be there.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 9

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 1:18:59 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
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First, I don't want to derail the thread, but enhance it. Differently.

From an entirely different thread, I have had a thought that I considered creating a topic. It would fit just as well here.

Using some of your words, 'Assume that you and he/she are compatible and fantastic, you want to follow him/her until the end of time' would you change your orientation to meet your partner's needs? The throwaway answer 'if he/she isn't wired oppositely from me, then they wouldn't be compatible anyway' is not adequate, I feel.

(If this is a worthy topic, but doesn't really belong here. I'll go make a thread.)

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 10

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 1:23:21 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

My only expectations of a relationship moving forward are that he treats me well, we laugh, we have chemistry, we can talk about anything, he respects me and he is honest.

Everything else is negotiable.

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 11

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 1:49:18 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
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Yes. I expect that if they wish to stay my dom for very long they do regular bdsm play with me, and hold up the tenants of our relationship, and what they signed on to be and do, as my dom. And I will do the same , from my stand point of what I signed on to be and do.

If expectations were not being met, and it had been a very long time and there was no end in sight or no resolution possible, I would end it.

And this isn't a hypothetical statement, I have gone through this, and I ended it. We agreed on a 5 month period, with no intense us contact, and I'd give him space to work on his issues that were affecting us,

after 5 months he still wasn't working on his issues that were tearing us a part, and showed no signs of working on them, or wanting to make time for me, so I walked.

Yes, Not having a relationship with bdsm and kinky stuff in it, is a deal breaker, I'm not interested in relationships with no kink, no bdsm, nothing that feeds my soul, regardless of how much I may love someone. If they were feeding those needs and stuff before, but now they won't, and it's a long term situation, I will grow un happy with the relationship.

And I know that probably sounds shallow since there's far more to a relationship and love than kink, but kink is a large factor in my life, and my interests and happiness, so at least I know enough to know that and not string someone along thinking it'll some how work out if a large chunk of what causes me to tick disapered.

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

From this thread: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3356454/tm.htm I thought I would rephrase the question a bit for further conversation:

For s-types: Is there a minimum you expect from the dominant in your relationship as far as non-vanilla based interactions such as protocol, play, punishment, bdsm and all that jazz? Assume that you and he/she are compatible and fantastic, you want to follow him/her until the end of time, off a cliff if necessary (that's sarcasm). What about the other stuff? What is your expectation there? What do you do when your expectation isn't being met?

For everyone, if that type of interaction ended in your relationship would it be a deal-breaker in a relationship that is otherwise satisfying and fulfilling? (that's not from the other thread, I just found the question interesting)

_____________________________

One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 12

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 2:35:34 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

We've barely played at all since school let out. Teens stay up later than we do and sound travels.

I'm more concerned with a compatible sex drive since this is very sexual to us. And generous hearts. Meaning that even if one of us wasn't into it that night, the other would do their best to satisfy a need knowing that the next time it would go the other way.

He prefers it if I'm aroused. Being post menopausal that just isn't always the case. But unless I'm ill, I'm happy enough to satisfy him as long as he doesn't make a big deal about my body not cooperating. Times he isn't into it, he's happy enough to use a hand on me so I can relax and go to sleep.

But in general, yes, I looked for compatibility in this arena as well as most others. I need an extremely high level of compatibility in my interests. Otherwise I will not even mention what I need and grow more and more unhappy and resentful. When we're both into the same stuff at about the same amount, this isn't a problem because my needs are satisfied when his are.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)

Post #: 13

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 3:17:00 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

My only expectation from Master is that he continue to be the man I fell in love with.

We both communicate clearly and openly to each other..nothing held back so we don't really seem to have too many problems with expectation or telling each other what we need and want.

If he was to suddenly not be the man I fell in love with I think I would fall out of love with him because he would no longer be who I thought he was.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 3:42:04 PM

cpK69

Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

For s-types: Is there a minimum you expect from the dominant in your relationship as far as non-vanilla based interactions such as protocol, play, punishment, bdsm and all that jazz? Assume that you and he/she are compatible and fantastic, you want to follow him/her until the end of time, off a cliff if necessary (that's sarcasm). What about the other stuff? What is your expectation there? What do you do when your expectation isn't being met?

I have to think on it some more, but at this time, I don’t think I have any. It isn’t what he does; it's how he does it.

quote:

For everyone, if that type of interaction ended in your relationship would it be a deal-breaker in a relationship that is otherwise satisfying and fulfilling?

If he stopped, it wouldn’t be D/s. I don’t know if I would want to be in a relationship that isn’t D/s, but then, it’s hard for me to picture him not being the Dom.

Kim

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 15

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 3:57:26 PM

CreativeDominant

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One thing I find interesting...there are many posters on here who speak of being able to stay with the person they fell in love with as long as they remain the person they fell in love with. I find it interesting because, even though I continue to grow and add on to my BDSM and D/s views, I think that I, the person "underneath" all that, remain the same. I find that most people do and yet...love and trust are often not enough to hold a relationship together. Lady Pact is one of the few who speaks of a relationship in which the D/s and the BDSM are the "main" focus rather than the romance. But she is also one of the few who addresses changes within the dynamic such as time available and distance and addresses what the OP asked about...the non-vanilla interactions such as play, protocol, ritual, communication.

(in reply to cpK69)

Post #: 16

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 7:40:54 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

Thanks for your answers.

With regard to myself, I have no expectations of any set amount of play or protocol. Our relationship works in a rather undefined fashion that he stated quite honestly, he wants what he wants when he wants it and gets it. However, that doesn't preclude me from having ongoing conversations with him voicing my opinions about how our relationship is progressing in this and every area. With regard to voicing my opinion, I wouldn't be in any relationship where I didn't feel it was possible to voice my opinion on important matters and in fact am expected to do so. Not doing so would be inviting resentment and leading US into failure, which I won't do.

I can't say it would be a dealbreaker, I can say it would be very difficult but I do believe we have the relationship skills to survive a big change if it was a necessity on one of our parts.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 17

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/12/2010 8:22:30 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

One thing I find interesting...there are many posters on here who speak of being able to stay with the person they fell in love with as long as they remain the person they fell in love with. I find it interesting because, even though I continue to grow and add on to my BDSM and D/s views, I think that I, the person "underneath" all that, remain the same. I find that most people do and yet...love and trust are often not enough to hold a relationship together. Lady Pact is one of the few who speaks of a relationship in which the D/s and the BDSM are the "main" focus rather than the romance. But she is also one of the few who addresses changes within the dynamic such as time available and distance and addresses what the OP asked about...the non-vanilla interactions such as play, protocol, ritual, communication.

I don't separate "d/s" and "bdsm" and "vanilla" in my life. It's all rolled into one. He is simply a dominant personality. He is the man I fell in love with. It has nothing to do with romance. It has nothing to do with bdsm or d/s or vanilla. It has to do with personality. I expect him to be the man who I know and love. It's not about love and trust. It's about personality and compatibility with the person.

It's the meshing of personalities that hold our relationship together, not the "bdsm", not the "d/s", not the "vanilla" or romance. It's everything rolled into one.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 18

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 7:12:18 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

First, I don't want to derail the thread, but enhance it. Differently.

From an entirely different thread, I have had a thought that I considered creating a topic. It would fit just as well here.

Using some of your words, 'Assume that you and he/she are compatible and fantastic, you want to follow him/her until the end of time' would you change your orientation to meet your partner's needs? The throwaway answer 'if he/she isn't wired oppositely from me, then they wouldn't be compatible anyway' is not adequate, I feel.

(If this is a worthy topic, but doesn't really belong here. I'll go make a thread.)

Jeff

I can't speak for anyone else but I can no more become dominant than I can become bisexual. I'm not compatible on any level other than friendship with a nondominant male. Been there, done that, it just makes me angry and resentful.

Saying I should be able to change my core personality which has been set probably since kindergarten is like saying I would grow in height for him. I'd love to be six inches taller but there's no way I can do so, no matter how much I want it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 19

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 9:11:06 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx
Using some of your words, 'Assume that you and he/she are compatible and fantastic, you want to follow him/her until the end of time' would you change your orientation to meet your partner's needs?

Both Carol and I would. But my range is probably broader than hers. Carol could make it to "sort of neutral" but no matter how badly she wanted to, she could never be a dominant.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 20

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