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pinksparkles12 -> Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 4:50:16 AM)
I have a question.. I broke up with a Dominant who was in his 50's we were together for a little over a year. I broke up with him for many reasons, the relationship wasn't healthy for me, I believe there was a lot of emotional abuse, I've never felt so badly about myself in my life. His wife said she wanted an open relationship, but turned out just to be someone who would yell at me and just try to bully me and tear me down as much as she could and cover it up by saying sorry an hour later. Won't get into details of that, but breaking up with him was REALLY hard to do, one of the hardest things i've done in my life. I told him to stop texting me, he'd randomly say I left things at his house, I'd tell him to throw it away it doesn't matter. I was told by friends in vanilla life never go back to his house and I talked to some people in the community and they told me not to go back to his house ever again. I met with a few people in the kink community and they told me that I'm not the first slave he has broken, but i've lasted the longest. They basically told me all this shit about him, and that his wife it was obvious she never liked me and would make fun of me in public... etc. Anyway, he contacted me late at night once, I was feeling emotional and vulnerable at this point. i tried to be strong for so many months. He told me my stuff was at his house, i told him to go away, he said that he wouldn't throw it away. He said he missed me, right then all these emotions came back, i told him i missed him too... we started talking i asked if it was too late for me to come over and talk and he said " it's never too late for you." i got dressed, looked good, in the car i wasn't really thinking , but i never thought in a million years what happened next would happen. i go into his house and see him and i know right then all my strength i built up to push him out to make me healthy went away. I went to the couch and just started crying in his arms (we both live in two states he owns a business in both states, i go to school in one and am from one, when he is in the state i am from his wife is never with him, so she was not present). I know we talked, he gave me some wine, i didn't drink much. i had so many feelings for this man, i really did love him, no matter what he did to me in the past. He told me he missed me, then he led me to the bedroom. i don't really know what i was thinking, but i knew i didn't want sex because i ddin't want the emotions and connection to him coming back. I told him " i don't want sex " thinking that'd be enough, i didn't really think much of it, i never thought he'd go further, yet i felt so weak, but i also knew we WEREN'T together... he started to undress me and I said" no i don't want sex with you". I know it's my fault, i should have fought more, but i felt like suhc a little girl when with him, i looked up to this man like no other, i admired him so much, i truly devoted myself to him when i was his, that's why i wish i didn't go to his house, i knew i'd have no defense. i undertand i put myself in this position and have no one to blame but myself. He put me on the bed naked...... got on top of me and started fucking me. i instantly started crying i told him to stop, he told me he missed me.....he even told me he was sorry for how he treated me and hurt me. it was conflicting, i told him i missed him, but i started crying more, i started hitting him ... he put my arms back... i started kicking... he grabbed my leg in a certain way that made it cramp... i told him i hated him ...he just kept fucking me. i told him that he always told me there were sharks in the community and hes being one and he said " yes i never denied i wasn't" (or something like that). I told him i was upset about a few things, like him leaving me drunk at a party, he said he was sorry he didn't mean to hurt me .... i was hearing all these things, then i noticed i was connected to him again. All these feelings came rushing forward ... it was horrible. Why do i love this man and have feelings for him when this isn't what is healthy after he broke me down so much? i started BEGGING this man who tore me down to nothing to take me back, let me be his again. i begged and begged. i guess i somehow thought this would hurt less if i knew this was happening with someone i was with ... i don't really know , i just know a lot of conflicting emotions. Anyway, we ended up getting back together for some short amount of time. His wife took any opportunity to get me out. When we were broken up a few months before what i described up there happened, i went to community members to talk like 2 days after i broke up with him. i was a mess, i couldn't talk to my vanilla friends ... they told me things like i wasn't the first slave he has broken down, but i lasted the longest. Just told me about his past abuse history and how he plays unsafely. Well, of course i told him when i got back with him, i felt so defenseless against him (i know that was the wrong thing to do as those community members now said i threw them under the bus for my own selfish gain, maybe that is true, i couldn't think straight around him)... he forgave me for going to the public, but his wife who hated me in the first place of course didn't. So she made sure i could never see him, and eventually he just wanted to use me for sex ... like meet a coffee shop and just fuck me and leave ...... when i saw that his wife said she forgave me one minute and then 2 weeks later was told by him over text " she doesn't really trust you or want you around" i saw the games they were playing and i was DONE it was the last straw after more than a year of strong devotion if i fuck up one time and they can't frogive and play games like that, then fine, i am done.. So that ended it... flat out ended it. i was talking to one of the higher people in the bdsm community one of the 'leather leaders' i was seeing him off and on, he's a good guy. i told him about how my ex master and i got back together and he said " well if you are saying you were raped, i wouldn't say that, that will cause a lot of drama." i didn't even think i was raped. i was like okay... whatever. i didn't really pay attention to it, at that time maybe i didn't even care if i was raped, he said sorry for everything he did said we'd work things out.. i know how disgusting that seems looking back now... i thought he was a good man, there was no way he raped me. Then a few months after i broke it off totally the second time i was randomly talking to some guy over the net rambling told him the experience and he said " so he raped you?" THEN i talked to my vanilla friend about it and she goes " he raped you...." i guess all this time i just blocked it out, and i blamed myself for it happening because i didn't fight back like i could have. i remember just feeling shocked and stunned at that point, we were broken up, i said NO. NO meant NO to me, he kept going ... i felt like i had no choice, and that was stupid, i did ... but even hwne i did fight him a bit he didn't stop. One of the biggest leaders in the community kept talking to me for months after he heard my ex master and i finally broke up. i finally confided in him i didn't know what to do and i wanted to know his thoughts, as more time passed and i look back it starts to bothers me more and more. i told him everything and he goes " wow... well in D/s there is a lot of grey, and you can't clearly draw the line and you don't want accuse anyone or to start anything that has to do with rape, trust me." i felt like i was starting drama or being looked down upon because i was trying to get help. i know my ex master is not well respected, but i also know the community keeps him around because he has money and hosts parties sometimes, he's a 'valuable' member. But, i was always taught that rape wasn't okay..and to speak out about it when growing up. i want to speak out about it because if i could save one girl from going through hell that he put me through,at least i could help someone. i feel like shutting up is giving him POWER. Yet, these community members make me feel like i am causing drama .... that i need to shut up? I don't feel that is a leader at all telling me to keep quiet. i'm not going to be involved in the community, i don't like leaders like that... it really makes me sick to my stomach. In my vanilla life, if a guy raped a girl.... that would NEVER be okay, the person would get support, and i don't want support maybe from them, maybe someone just to listen to me....but i didn't want to be made out like i was causing drama, i have a lot of guilt, and i feel hurt and disgusted in myself... and i blame myself, i didn't need people telling me that mentioning it was causing drama ... So was this rape? i guess i know deep down in my heart it was, and that hurts me a lot. That "leader" who said the lines are blurry is so wrong, my ex master and i were broken up at that point i said NO i said i don't want sex, if we were together, okay that is different, but we WEREN'T. There was NO consent to ANYTHING unless we talked about it. He even admitted he was a shark .... it's hard for me to wrap my head around this ... and i know i only have myself to blame for putting myself in this situation .... but what would you do? i don't want to be involved, but would you keep quiet? Or... would you not listen to the leaders and come out about waht the person did to you? It's not about revenge on him, but it's about doing the right thing ? But, even if i speak out against it, will it really help anyone in the long run? These thoughts just make me want to shut up about it shrug... but something inside of me is telling me that's not the RIGHT thing to do?

LadyPact -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 5:22:29 AM)
Well, here's the good part...... The cops don't give a shit about that "it's blurry in the BDSM community" bullshit that somebody tried to feed you. According to the law, it's date rape/acquaintance rape and you are completely within your rights to report it. You might have a little difficulty because some time has passed and evidence collection, other than your report, may be difficult at this point, but give it a shot if that is what you feel you need to do. Just because play rape is a kink that some people choose to engage in doesn't make rape ok. Even if you don't want to report this as a crime, get yourself hooked up with a rape counselor. There's got to be some pain involved and learning how to deal with that is only going to benefit you. I wish you the best.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 5:45:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pinksparkles12 So was this rape? i guess i know deep down in my heart it was, and that hurts me a lot. That "leader" who said the lines are blurry is so wrong, my ex master and i were broken up at that point i said NO i said i don't want sex, if we were together, okay that is different, but we WEREN'T. There was NO consent to ANYTHING unless we talked about it. He even admitted he was a shark .... it's hard for me to wrap my head around this ... and i know i only have myself to blame for putting myself in this situation .... but what would you do? i don't want to be involved, but would you keep quiet? Or... would you not listen to the leaders and come out about waht the person did to you? It's not about revenge on him, but it's about doing the right thing ? But, even if i speak out against it, will it really help anyone in the long run? These thoughts just make me want to shut up about it shrug... but something inside of me is telling me that's not the RIGHT thing to do? I hear the lines in the BDSM community are so blurry that if you engage in gun play, and accidentally pull the trigger, you can just bring your partner back to life. Or, maybe, life doesn't magically alter because someone wears assless chaps and follows a protocol. It is, however, quite possible that within his BDSM community, that leader's statement is true, because only people who are wishy-washy about rape would put up with the low morals and crappy boundaries of the people in that group. So he might have told you the truth from his perspective, because he's been making a self-fulfilling prophecy for years. Ultimately, you have to decide what kind of people are healthy for you to be around. "Sharks" wouldn't be my first choice, if I were picking friends or love interests. Neither would rape apologists. I've actually found much better kink prospects online and then meeting in real life, than I ever have from attending a munch or play party. Just because you get off the computer and go to an event doesn't mean you're safe from manipulative dominants or do-me subs. Please consider filing charges. Just think: what if there was a woman, 24 hours before you first met this guy, thinking the exact same thing you are thinking now. What if she had spoken up? You might not have been hurt. You see what I'm saying?

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 5:47:11 AM)
I think you should go to a rape counselor, also, dear. What a terrible experience. As for reporting the rape, at this point, I think it would be more heartbreak and turmoil with no satisfaction. I don't think a prosecutor would pursue this case. I know that sounds unfair, but I think it is realistic. But you need the counseling and some help with the emotions, anyway

RedMagic1 -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 5:52:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet I don't think a prosecutor would pursue this case. I know that sounds unfair, but I think it is realistic. This may be true. It's not the only reason to file a report, though. It can help to document an abuser's history.

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 6:21:38 AM)
Except that she would have to deal with the police and their bullshit to file a report, and it sounds like that community would take sides. For what? In the absence of a prosecution, how would his next victim even know about it? The OP needs some inner peace, not more emotional battering and frustration. She needs to worry about herself. Reporting it now would come across as a woman scorned thing, and she would likely be treated as such. Who needs it?

hellionsLight -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 6:24:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Just because play rape is a kink that some people choose to engage in doesn't make rape ok. I agree. As someone who is into Rape Play, the difference is that I consent, and plan it ahead of time, just enough so I get the feeling of no control, but I know that I am safe, and have a way out if I want it. Good luck with all this, OP

ShyLuci -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 6:25:17 AM)
If you do nothing else, please seek out a BDSM friendly counselor. They will help you to decide if you need to report your experience as rape. If they feel it was, they will have a legal obligation to report it themselves. Never ever blame someone else's actions on yourself. He heard you say no and he continued anyway. Do you have a safeword? Did you use it? You said: "i go into his house and see him and i know right then all my strength i built up to push him out to make me healthy went away. I went to the couch and just started crying in his arms (we both live in two states he owns a business in both states, i go to school in one and am from one, when he is in the state i am from his wife is never with him, so she was not present). I know we talked, he gave me some wine, i didn't drink much. i had so many feelings for this man, i really did love him, no matter what he did to me in the past. He told me he missed me, then he led me to the bedroom. i don't really know what i was thinking, but i knew i didn't want sex because i ddin't want the emotions and connection to him coming back. I told him " i don't want sex " thinking that'd be enough, i didn't really think much of it, i never thought he'd go further, yet i felt so weak, but i also knew we WEREN'T together... he started to undress me and I said" no i don't want sex with you". That to me says you clearly told him no, not once but TWICE and he did it anyway. Again, he took the action after you said NO. That, in my book is rape. There are predators in any community BDSM, Vanilla, Gay, Straight....whatever. If the guy is a rapist he deserves to be prosecuted regardless of his kink. Find a counselor, get support, take action and ask for help from someone who can advocate for you if you cannot do it yourself. Just my 2 cents. luci

angelikaJ -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 6:30:21 AM)
There is a website called RAINN and they have both online and phone counselors available. They can also tell you where to go in your area. http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/ 1.800.656.HOPE

OsideGirl -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 7:21:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet Except that she would have to deal with the police and their bullshit to file a report, and it sounds like that community would take sides. For what? In the absence of a prosecution, how would his next victim even know about it? The OP needs some inner peace, not more emotional battering and frustration. She needs to worry about herself. Reporting it now would come across as a woman scorned thing, and she would likely be treated as such. Who needs it? I'm torn on this. I can understand wanting to report it to make it harder for him to be in the community. But, I also understand that it would put her through the meat grinder and likely go no where. There are no witnesses and so much time has passed that I doubt it would be charged.

VanessaChaland -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 7:34:00 AM)
Without consent, its a crime. Period.

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 7:35:44 AM)
Yep. It's a crime. And in this case, more than likely a crime that won't be prosecuted. Won't be the first time.

pinksparkles12 -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 8:02:33 AM)
This makes me feel that i am not crazy, thank you so much. After talking to all the bdsm community leaders, i just thought maybe i was being over dramatic , they kept questioning me saying not to do anything about it, it was conflicting i never thought a person would question rape/ the situation so much.. i just began to think it wasn't a big deal. i just don't understand why the bdsm community doesn't want me saying anything? The guy isn't well known for good things, yet they let him stay around for exactly that, house and money ... does that really mean more to them then exposing something truly awful? i just don't understand how the BDSM community works? Why do they want to hide this and have more girls get hurt? i guess there is nothing i can do there because if i post anything , say anything .... i'll get blamed. That to me, i feel, is fucked up.... I will go see a counselor now, maybe they will know what to do - and i'm staying out of the bdsm community.

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 8:13:42 AM)
Because the BDSM community is like most other communities - they don't like trouble. I am really sorry you did not get the support from the locals you expected and deserved. I am glad you are getting counseling, and I hope it helps

Killerangel -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 8:45:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pinksparkles12 This makes me feel that i am not crazy, thank you so much. After talking to all the bdsm community leaders, i just thought maybe i was being over dramatic , they kept questioning me saying not to do anything about it, it was conflicting i never thought a person would question rape/ the situation so much.. i just began to think it wasn't a big deal. i just don't understand why the bdsm community doesn't want me saying anything? The guy isn't well known for good things, yet they let him stay around for exactly that, house and money ... does that really mean more to them then exposing something truly awful? i just don't understand how the BDSM community works? Why do they want to hide this and have more girls get hurt? i guess there is nothing i can do there because if i post anything , say anything .... i'll get blamed. That to me, i feel, is fucked up.... I will go see a counselor now, maybe they will know what to do - and i'm staying out of the bdsm community. Let me preface this by saying that I believe you...to me, your posting here was full of emotion and some of it came through as being ambivalent and unsure which could be because of the reception you've received so far in RL. The community you're speaking of could be picking up on the ambivalence and feel torn about something that doesn't seem quite B&W. Sometimes women do want it, I'm not saying you did, they are familiar with that concept though. They could be letting the fact that things seem a bit cloudy get in the way of making what will be an extremely serious accusation. I don't think anyone is protecting him, they're just not sure that the road to accusing him is on rock solid ground. No matter how things go, I honestly think getting some rape counseling would be good for you. It might even help you decide whether or not whether to prosecute. I for one would like to see the guy pay, but i also understand that you will also pay a price in going forth. Best of luck to you.

OsideGirl -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 8:45:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet Because the BDSM community is like most other communities - they don't like trouble. I am really sorry you did not get the support from the locals you expected and deserved. I am glad you are getting counseling, and I hope it helps Exactly. It would bring law enforcement attention to the BDSM community and they don't want that. They don't want to be in the newspaper or have to testify.

kalikshama -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 8:48:28 AM)
I don't see how a DA would prosecute this seeing how afterwards you guys quote: ended up getting back together for some short amount of time I'm very anti-rape, as you would see from my posts in P&R and the Gorean forum, but rather than going after this particular guy for rape, I think you should concentrate on getting out the message that drinking with a man late at night alone at his house is a bad idea if you are not there for sex, because that is certainly the message you are putting out when you do that. You do have my sympathies and I agree that you should get counseling.

LaTigresse -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 8:58:31 AM)
Pink, regardless of whether or not you report it or try to charge the guy.......definitely get counseling. You very much need it. The pain and suffering you are going through is quite visible in your writing. You are young and vulnerable. You need support and help dealing with the trauma of this situation. You need a support system around you to help rebuild you and your life.

JeffBC -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 8:59:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama drinking with a man late at night alone at his house is a bad idea if you are not there for sex, because that is certainly the message you are putting out when you do that. On one hand, yes. On the other hand, I categorically reject the notion that "men" are generally that feeble. Sure sure, some asshats have no self-discipline and even less empathy. But honestly, the only message I read when I woman is at my house drinking is, "She wants to be at my house drinking." The only way I'm going to get to "... and she wants to have sex." is if one of us broaches the sex topic and the other says yes.

DominantEngineer -> RE: Rape & BDSM community... (3/27/2012 9:02:47 AM)
quote: he said he was sorry he didn't mean to hurt me ... while he was raping you. This really stood out for me. He was hurting you while apologizing for hurting you. And afterwards you get back together with him. I do think you need to get some professional counseling not just for this incident. I get the impression you need to develop a more healthy view of yourself.

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