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RE: Fear of failure - 6/7/2006 7:38:36 PM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

One of the hardest thing to do when someone compliments you is to simply say thank you.

Tis a constant irony that submissives so often are the worst at accepting things from others- help, love, compliments, forgiveness.

i agree wholeheartedly with both posts...it took me years to learn to just say "thank you" when complimented instead of interjecting negatives. And while i am usually one of the first to offer help...i very seldom ask for it. (still working on that one).

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Post #: 21

RE: Fear of failure - 6/8/2006 2:53:41 AM

trippingdaisy

Posts: 113
Joined: 6/3/2006
From: Georgia
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i couldn't respond to your predicament right away, because i was shocked as to how similar you sound to me...perhaps just as little as a few months ago.

i've struggled, and been hospitalized for, mental illness, eating disorders, self-injury...you name it. All throughout this, my Master stood with me, and waited for my to come home. After i was put on the right medication, received the correct therapy, and ultimately became a happier woman. Not because i was magically 'cured', because it's still a long road that i follow every day...mostly it's beause i can see now that my Master is going to be with me no matter what. i can't scare Him off, because He's seen the worst parts of me, and still thinks i'm beautiful and worthy of Him.

Now...i'm telling you all of this because i'm now telling you there is a way to get past it. If i did? ANYone can. The best advice i can give to you, is to be completely honest with your Dom, at all times. If you're feeling down? Tell Him. If you want to get away from the b/p cycle (which is HORRIFICALLY hard, i know), come up with a way to tell Him that you're feeling a binge coming on...and ask Him to distract you. Go for a walk, have a scene, something to get over that compulsion. Also, on the days you're feeling particularly sad and hopeless, tell Him right off the bat. Negotiate with Him how He wants to deal with your day to day issues.

Little things like that are how i survived recovery from all sorts of things. It's still a hugely hard battle, a constant work in progress...but it gets easier. i hope this helped.

(in reply to HisTicia)

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RE: Fear of failure - 6/8/2006 3:36:30 AM

brightspot

Posts: 3052
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I think all perfectionists can understand how you feel. LA is right, nothing he can do is going to make you feel like a loveable person. He can't fill you up and make you feel good about you. That comes from within. It kinda goes with that old saying "You cannot love anyone else unless you love yourself". I completely agree with that. Self love means we do not hurt ourselves, that we respect ourselves, and we feel as though we deserve love from others. It also means we forgive ourselves our failings, even if others won't. I used to be like that, harder on myself than anyone else was, but I realized something, and that is if I would forgive someone else their failings I should be able to forgive myself for my own.

Everyone has shortcomings and failings... it is part of being human after all. Beating yourself up for being a human being is senseless. It does go with control issues and perfectionism - which causes that inner anxiety that we are going to screw something up because we are worthless on some level. You have to forgive yourself and accept yourself .. otherwise you tend to reject men like the dom you have right now for others that will validate your feelings of worthlessness. The only way to overcome that is accepting yourself as you exist.. warts and all.... Peace.

I second the motion!
Well said!

*Brightspot

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RE: Fear of failure - 6/8/2006 5:58:00 AM

Charis309

Posts: 16
Joined: 5/18/2005
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If you would permit me, I'd like to put my two cents in also. I'm guilty of the whole "what if I do something wrong and he releases me" thing. Fortunately for me, Sir and I have known each other as 'nilla friends for about 15 years now, so he knows this about me. The first time insecurity reared it's ugly head, he made a promise to me. He told me that he wouldn't release me unless he had warned me three times. Now, when I begin to feel insecure, I remember the promise and it helps me to relax and take a step back to examine myself without having to worry about our relationship. I know that the relationship is safe and intact because he hasn't warned me about anything, so this gives me the chance to figure out exactly why I might be feeling insecure...you have to know why before you can fix it.
Another thing I have done to help with my self-worth issues (and this I did many years ago, but sometimes still have to revert to) is come up with a reminder to myself, print it out on paper (large font so you can see it from across the room). My reminder was (as if I was saying this to myself) "You are human, not the demi-goddess that you strive to be. Glory in your imperfection, because with perfection comes greater responsibility and no forgiveness."
Good luck to you.

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RE: Fear of failure - 6/8/2006 6:23:29 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HisTicia
and how much I just don't deserve him?

Well for a start you can knock off self-depriciating crap like that. HE obviously thinks you ARE good enough or he wouldn't have taken you as his in the first place now would he?

Those voices are not going to go away any time soon sweetie, they took years to build and will take years to go away.... even then when you get stressed or insecure they will have a tendency to come back... accept that. Your fight now isn't to make them go away, that is, in the short term, an unwinnable fight..... but to focus on paying more attention to HIS words than to those little voices. See them for what they are, shadows of the past, memorys of events that took away your confidence.

In the longer term I am sure he will be happier if you where able to face down those insecuritys even without him. See your own worth and shine, not just for Him, but also for yourself! But that sounds a ways off yet petal.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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RE: Fear of failure - 6/8/2006 7:05:31 AM

heartfeltsub

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That sounds like a really wise idea, the three warning deal, i can see where that could help a great deal with the insecurity of feeling not enough. Thank you for sharing that.

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Post #: 26

RE: Fear of failure - 6/8/2006 5:12:32 PM

Musicmystery

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If you weren't special, you wouldn't be here. Everyone and everything deserves respect.

Corny, perhaps, but true. All of Y/you are special.

Shanti shanti.

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Post #: 27

RE: Fear of failure - 6/8/2006 5:56:02 PM

HisTicia

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Joined: 5/31/2006
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Once again, thank you all for your help and advice.

You would be surprised how much of each response I have taken to heart and have started to work with. I was supposed to move to be with Him the 15th of next month.. but mostly I had set the date out of fear..that maybe I wouldn't live up to what He wanted when I got there. Today.. I have decided to go ahead and move that date up to the 4th weekend instead. The only thing holding me back was fear..and I want to be there with Him so much that I decided to let that go..and jump right in.

I have tried to come to accept that He loves me no matter what..and the biggest shock of all.. He knows I'm not perfect already. He knows most of my fears..and with that.. most of my issues..and He still loves me and wants to be with me. I guess I realize now..that I was trying to be what I thought He wanted..not what He actually told me He wanted.

I know that I have a lot of things to work on.. the bulimia probably being one of the most urgent.. and I am sure He will help me with that part. I am blessed to have a Master that really does understand my issue with food..and that knows it won't be an easy thing for me to beat.

I guess I just thought He would leave me as easy as most of the ppl in my life have..and I am starting to realize that He won't. I know that I can't just do this for Him..that it first and foremost has to be because I know it's the best thing for me. I suppose I just got scared that someone loved me this much..and was trying to find any way to protect it that I could. I now know.. it wasn't any one thing I did.. it was all of me.. the whole package that He loves.

I think it's so sweet that He worries about things also. He told me that He has somewhat of a fear that when I finally realize how wonderful I am..that I will want someone better and leave Him. A thought that never crossed my mind..nor ever will.

It's comforting for me to know that so many have went through the same feelings and fears that I have.. to know I am truly not alone. It's strange how we think we are the only ones facing things sometimes..and therefore make ourselves alone in the process. I am grateful I had you all to reach out to in this..and for all of the wonderful thoughts and words that you have given me. I think even He noticed a difference in me today.. and I love that.

I asked Him today to tell me how beautiful I was... and when He did.. I said "thank You"..and that was it.. no arguing..no making a joke of it..and when we were on the phn a bit ago.. He told me how beautiful I am ..and how much He loved my new pics .. I had to bite my tongue a bit..but I just thanked Him..and went on. lol.. it's a strange feeling to accept a compliment.. I have a feeling with Him I will have to get used to it though.. and that is something I will not complain about.. I will more worry when I don't get them anymore.

It's a long journey..but I feel I am finally on my way there..and with Him by my side.. I know I will get there.

Thanks again.

_____________________________

All my soul follows you, love encircles you and I live in being yours. ~Browning

Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true. ~Buddha

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RE: Fear of failure - 6/8/2006 6:13:47 PM

spankmepink11

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Ticia....
it really warmed my heart just now to read your positive post.....keep it up....

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RE: Fear of failure - 6/8/2006 6:31:31 PM

RavenMuse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HisTicia
I asked Him today to tell me how beautiful I was... and when He did.. I said "thank You"..and that was it.. no arguing..no making a joke of it..

Good girl, I bet your Master was proud of you. That is a big step

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

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RE: Fear of failure - 6/9/2006 5:16:08 AM

heartfeltsub

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That is so great. i am really happy for you.

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RE: Fear of failure - 6/9/2006 8:50:05 AM

HisTicia

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Joined: 5/31/2006
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Thank you all again so much.. I am still fighting the fear a bit..but I am trying really hard not to let it get the better of me..I am hoping just saying "thank you" will get easier..and in some ways it already is..but in others.. that stupid voice is still there.

I just need to have patience...and it will all come in time.

_____________________________

All my soul follows you, love encircles you and I live in being yours. ~Browning

Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true. ~Buddha

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Post #: 32