RE: Jealousy

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Jealousy

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Jealousy

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Jealousy - 6/13/2006 8:59:57 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

How long have you and Him been together? It seems as if He might be able to anticipate your 'problems' and try to avoid them.

In general, yes, the more you play with someone, the more experienced you are in a particular action, the more you can anticipate their responses.

But the unanticipated can still always happen, mistakes occur and "stuff happens." Doms aren't mind readers, as much as they may often appear so, and it would be wrong to fault them for "just being human."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to litleone8620)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: Jealousy - 6/13/2006 9:12:53 AM

angelface183

Posts: 688
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
But the unanticipated can still always happen, mistakes occur and "stuff happens." Doms aren't mind readers, as much as they may often appear so, and it would be wrong to fault them for "just being human."

Exactly! and in my case my Master recognized immediately that something was "wrong" and corrected it.

_____________________________

"...... all that, a bag of chips AND a pickle!!!"

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: Jealousy - 6/13/2006 9:22:04 AM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

Just as a 'good' Master should.

(in reply to angelface183)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: Jealousy - 6/13/2006 10:55:22 AM

Viper001

Posts: 55
Joined: 8/8/2005
From: SF, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

In a poly relationship, there's got to be a lot of trust there. What happens if you bring in another slave, and she gets it into her mind that she wants to be the Alpha slave? Or do you deal with that before you commit to something?

I'm going to assume that you mean the third party wants to be the alpha. When anyone has shown an interest in a poly relationship, we've always made it known that there is one non-negotiable guideline - I will never *ever* forsake her as my primary slave/partner/wife. In my most humble opinion, "alpha" sub can be applied to the sub most skilled in a particular situation/service and taking a leadership position amongst all the submissives for that particular function (high-protocol dinner, as an example). But regardless, an "alpha" will never replace my primary partner - and this is made known before any commitment is made.

(in reply to litleone8620)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: Jealousy - 6/13/2006 11:03:27 AM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

And i'm assuming your wife also helps choose a different sub?

(in reply to Viper001)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: Jealousy - 6/13/2006 11:43:20 AM

enigmabrat

Posts: 2383
Joined: 8/1/2004
Status: offline

he is not week
In fact he is a tronger Master for it
people have to learn that beeing Domanent doesnt mean always getting your way
you have to compromise so both are happy...
and if you never deside you want another sub in the relationship then it seems he is fine with that...
he seems happy to just have you and thats what matters

_____________________________

Leather strap $85.00 on Master card
Wooden paddle $50.00 on Master card
ratten cane $48.00 on Master card

a Master that can use them all Priceless

(in reply to littlechameleon)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: Jealousy - 6/13/2006 11:47:12 AM

Viper001

Posts: 55
Joined: 8/8/2005
From: SF, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

And i'm assuming your wife also helps choose a different sub?

lol. Personally, i've taken it a step further. My wife/slave screens prospective subs. Other than to indicate whether or not i'd be interested in a person, i don't get involved at all until (and IF) the submissives establish their compatibility as friends/playpartners.
Some would say that i give my slave too much control in this matter. They are welcome to their beliefs :)
I choose to view it as one of her responsibilities. She knows what she desires in a playmate/friend and must have some kind of bond with this person. I could not possibly force such a bonding - it would be an exercise in futility. She also knows what i need/want in a play partner, both from personal experience and observation of scenes with casual partners, and i *trust* her judgement.

(in reply to litleone8620)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: Jealousy - 6/13/2006 11:52:33 AM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

So, what happens if a prospective submissive gets to the point where You meed her, and you don't like her. But your wife/slave does?

(in reply to Viper001)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: Jealousy - 6/13/2006 11:56:12 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620
So, what happens if a prospective submissive gets to the point where You meed her, and you don't like her. But your wife/slave does?

Depends on the relationship. Sometimes the wife can continue to have a relationship with the other person without including the dom. SOmetimes it's just not a good match and you go your separate ways.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to litleone8620)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: Jealousy - 6/13/2006 12:09:54 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

Jealousy when you break it down is about insecurity....its about needing to control, its about fear, some of the darkest and most primal of the compendium of human emotions.

Some folks choose this life to learn to face fear. To understand and master that darkness, as they have come to the awareness that what they dont understand, accept and explore deep with in their psyche ultimately controls them.

Some folks who come to BDSM as a way to plum the depths of their most raw and terrifying fears know that to do so could very possible disrupt the harmony and safety of the life they live now, and so with the same drive that some have to climb Everest, they come to the mountain prepared to be forever changed.

If they are smart they come prepared, they have studied charts, read books, mastered the skills and tools of their quest and most importantly have climbed smaller mountains.

If you are not aligned with his vision and he is clear on his set course, you should not do this.

If you are aligned but you just feel uncomfortable then there are books you can read, and skills you can master before you attempt this. For example start small, go slowly, communicate transparently each step of the way and make sure your dominant meets you in your fears.

You would never climb Everest with out the gear, tools and skills because you would assuredly die, this is not much different, you could be dreadfully wounded in this if you are not prepared for the treacherous journey ahead.

Because there will be jealousy, pain, fear, control hurt, resentment, and a whole plethora of emotions you may not even be aware of, you must have a clear goal that the end result is what you want or it will never be worth all of that sacrifice.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to litleone8620)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: Jealousy - 6/13/2006 12:39:43 PM

Viper001

Posts: 55
Joined: 8/8/2005
From: SF, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

So, what happens if a prospective submissive gets to the point where You meed her, and you don't like her. But your wife/slave does?

All things are possible, but that scenario is highly unlikely. After 8 years in a 24/7 relationship, we know each other fairly well. She has proven, time and again, that she is more than capable of selecting submissives that appeal to both of us.

ms luckyalbatross also has a valid observation: "Depends on the relationship. Sometimes the wife can continue to have a relationship with the other person without including the dom. SOmetimes it's just not a good match and you go your separate ways."

Your mileage will vary depending on experience and your specific relationship dynamics. I can only speak from personal experience. :)

(in reply to litleone8620)

Profile

Post #: 51

RE: Jealousy - 6/13/2006 1:12:13 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Jealousy is an emotion. It has the same value as other emotions. All emotions have a place, it is how we act on our emotional states that determines the type of people we are. There is nothing inherently wrong with feeling jealous. There is something wrong with being reactive because of that jealousy and taking it out on others around us. If I feel the emotion of jealousy I am going to say that this is how I feel.

The last dom I was involved with thought jealousy had no place in D/s relationships. When he felt jealous (and he did at times) he would never admit it. I was not allowed to express jealous feelings either, and that means my feelings were devalued in that relationship.

The person I am seeing now doesn't mind if I express my jealous feelings, but I am not about to be unkind because of my feelings, or vindictive, or aggressive. I can express them and deal with what causes that emotion.. which is fear of losing someone I care for.

I am not into poly. It is not a matter of being a "big" enough person in my mind.. it is just not a relationship style I would thrive in. I have an unmentionable and I would not want to try to explain this to him. To each their own and what makes others happy. I also do not like sharing my mate.. and I do not want to be shared either. I do not mind my dom being jealous of me at all, as long as he doesnt abuse me because he has jealous feelings.

I actually think that jealousy is normal in that most people feel that way from time to time. We are human beings and have human failings. Not all feelings are rational, postive, or pleasant.. but that is what makes us human.

On Edit:

Your master is not weak for caring how you feel. It takes strength to care for others. Being a dominant does not equal being uncaring.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 6/13/2006 1:17:47 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to litleone8620)

Profile

Post #: 52

RE: Jealousy - 6/13/2006 1:44:42 PM

Viper001

Posts: 55
Joined: 8/8/2005
From: SF, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Jealousy is an emotion. It has the same value as other emotions. All emotions have a place, it is how we act on our emotional states that determines the type of people we are. There is nothing inherently wrong with feeling jealous. There is something wrong with being reactive because of that jealousy and taking it out on others around us. If I feel the emotion of jealousy I am going to say that this is how I feel.

The last dom I was involved with thought jealousy had no place in D/s relationships. When he felt jealous (and he did at times) he would never admit it. I was not allowed to express jealous feelings either, and that means my feelings were devalued in that relationship.

I actually think that jealousy is normal in that most people feel that way from time to time. We are human beings and have human failings. Not all feelings are rational, postive, or pleasant.. but that is what makes us human.

I have heard the idea that jealousy has no place in a D/s relationship many, many times. This strikes me as unrealistic, as insecurity/jealousy are a fact of life in any relationship.
This emotion can manifest even with casual playpartners, let alone a poly relationship.
Immho, we have options that will determine whether or not the relationship flourishes or self-destructs.

Deny/ignore it.
Acknowledge it, accept it and move on.*
Acknowledge it and discuss the underlying reason therefore - with possible adjustments and/or compromises.
Cease whatever activity is causing the insecurity.

Pick your flavor of choice, we all differ.

*before flaming this choice, please consider the following example.
My wife volunteered as a "demo bottom" for a knifeplay class with a well-known, highly skilled top. During the class, she responded to the demo play so well, and became so immersed in the scene itself, that i did feel some twinges of jealousy. This was *my* ego issue and not her fault in any way, shape or manner. One concrete case of - deal with it and move on. Realistically, there was no valid reason for the emotion other than ego. :)

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Profile

Post #: 53

RE: Jealousy - 6/13/2006 2:00:55 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I absolutely agree.. I would rather express it and get over it than let it grow into a bad choking vine that destroys trust and communication. When I recently expressed jealousy to the person I am seeing now, it wasn't to get him to change his behavior, it was to release this emotion and face it... much more healthy in my mind.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Viper001)

Profile

Post #: 54