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What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 5:38:30 PM

Adelphus

Posts: 87
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So you take your sub, tie them down, do all kinds of stuff to them, but what do you get in return? The sub seems to get all the sensation while the Dom get exhausted. So the question is, do Doms get off through the shear act of dominating or do they require to be paid back in some way to make it fair?

And yes it's a dumb sounding question, but apparently some people are taking issue with me posting my actual problem. Sigh.

< Message edited by Adelphus -- 5/9/2007 5:39:57 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 5:41:04 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Adelphus

So you take your sub, tie them down, do all kinds of stuff to them, but what do you get in return? The sub seems to get all the sensation while the Dom get exhausted. So the question is, do Doms get off through the shear act of dominating or do they require to be paid back in some way to make it fair?

And yes it's a dumb sounding question, but apparently some people are taking issue with me posting my actual problem. Sigh.

Are you asking in the context of bedroom kink where there is no dominance or submission offered outside of scenes and sex, or are you asking in the context of a more or less 24/7 relationship where both dominance and submission are present outside of scenes and sexual times?

Edited because it sent early

I ask because it may change your responses. As for us, Valyraen dominates me in the bedroom for both of our arousals (he wouldn't do it if he didn't enjoy it). He dominates me outside of the bedroom, in our day-to-day, (again) because we both enjoy it.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 5/9/2007 5:43:52 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 2

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 5:41:57 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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Well, Master is a sadist, so he gets enjoyment from my reactions to the sensations.

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 3

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 5:42:52 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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Can't you turn this around and see it from the dom's perspective?
Exerting authority and power over another is what a dom likes to do - the sub fulfills that role - the person submitting to the authority of another. The dominant is getting a lot out of it.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 4

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 5:45:54 PM

GeekyGirl

Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
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In regards to sexual submission, many dominants enjoy watching submission and causing pain and/or sensation. They enjoy witnessing the subs reaction and THAT is their payback. They do it because it makes them happy (or makes them erect :P) when they cause those sensations.

The sub gets all the sensation..but sometimes it's not even sensations the sub wants. Sometimes she bears them to make him happy and because it arouses him. My ex was a hard core sadist and LOVED causing pain. I'm only a mild pain-slut and there were many times he tied me up and caused me pain for HIS pleasure (not mine, as I honestly did not enjoy the pain sometimes.) I did it to make him happy. He knew I wasn't enjoying it, and that just made him get off on it that much harder.

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 5

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 5:48:01 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Adelphus

So you take your sub, tie them down, do all kinds of stuff to them, but what do you get in return? The sub seems to get all the sensation while the Dom get exhausted. So the question is, do Doms get off through the shear act of dominating or do they require to be paid back in some way to make it fair?

And yes it's a dumb sounding question, but apparently some people are taking issue with me posting my actual problem. Sigh.

Power over another. In my case, the satisfaction of the sexually sadistic part of my nature in a scene such as that described. Enhancement of the dominance and the submission, no matter how slight the enhancement is, by the depth of the scene.

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 6

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 5:53:46 PM

CuriousLord

Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Can't you turn this around and see it from the dom's perspective?

This is my first thought. It took me a good long time to come to terms with the fact some people just like being tied up and having another use them sexually. (I'm prone to take longer to believe in something that seems too good to be true.)

Being in the dominant end of things, I can use my slave whenever I want, however I want, for as long as I want.

That's all talking about the bedroom (and perhaps the kitchen counter). Outside of it (and, no, not in the kinky way!)..

I just control people naturally. It's taken a lot of self-control over the years to learn not to control people. For this reason, around almost everyone, I adopt a very removed aspect and act only in cordial mannerisms. It's my way of not letting my nature slip and controlling them.

I have many natural motivations. Things I desire to do. I move towards them, often fiercily. I doubt you'll often see much passion in one's eyes as much as you'd see in mine when I'm manically drawing a new system of equations in some physical or high mathematical model. It's just my nature.
And having a slave- someone who naturally obeys me and orients herself to my desires- is conductive to my desires, among which is simply control.

Edit: Annex.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Adelphus
And yes it's a dumb sounding question, but apparently some people are taking issue with me posting my actual problem. Sigh.

Some trolls exist on message boards. Some non-trolls troll on occasion While I'd personally just call them a troll and move on, a mod's sent me an angry message about this, demanding the use of the 'Ignore' feature instead, so I suppose that's the way it works here. I'd still advise picking out actual points made, even if the tone of a post is ill-mannered, and responding to those, if you so chose, ignoring any aggressive emotions the post may also convay.

In any case, don't let it bug you. Some people on the forum have pull, even if it's just the power to post argumentative things, and aren't opposed to using it selfishly.

< Message edited by CuriousLord -- 5/9/2007 6:00:41 PM >

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 7

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 5:53:59 PM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
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Are you talking about being a Dom or simply being a Top?

The sub gives a great deal to a Dom and from your OP I am guessing you mean what does a Top get out of it. I don't get anywhere as much from simply Topping. Even just play, I get FAR more from the play if I already have that connection with MY girl than just from some playbunny bottom. But yes, it is enjoyable, if it wasn't then I wouldn't indulge them.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 8

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 5:54:10 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

If it's SM, I enjoy giving more than I enjoy getting. If it's sex, I enjoy getting more than I enjoy giving. So, I Top from the top for BDSM and Top from the bottom for sex. Works for me 'cause all around, I get what I want....and THAT's what I get out of it.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 9

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 5:55:10 PM

bowandserve

Posts: 30
Joined: 3/2/2007
Status: offline

Definite power trip. To see his yearning aching for attention, the skip of a heartbeat at just the brush of me going by followed by a sharp sting - that reaction is intense. Having a path, leading him down it, he has no idea, seeing that release happen where I could do anything I wanted. Plus there's all those massages and just for me pleasure times.

_____________________________

I have love to give, I just don't know where to put it

NO, there's no profile over there, but it's here. If you think about it for a sec, it wouldn't be that hard to contact me...

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 10

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 6:07:05 PM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

it may only seem that Daddy gives and i take leaving Him to receive nothing back in return. however you are wrong ...there's an equal exchange of "give and take" between us. He enjoys showering me with little gifts yet seeing how it makes me feel loved and cared truly makes Him happy. even a simple "thank you" makes Him smile ...He knows i appreciate everythingHe has given and done for me thus far.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to bowandserve)

Post #: 11

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 6:36:07 PM

Tuomas

Posts: 242
Joined: 2/7/2007
Status: offline

I can't but help think that the "power trip" is a lot of psychobabble. Just too many things get "explained" by power trips. Or maybe it's just me. I'm guessing all those psychologists know what they are talking about, but that doesn't necesarily apply to everyone.

If I wanted to order someone around -I'd get an employee. In fact, I already have an employee. Several of them. They get me coffee. *nods in satisfaction* But that's not my point. Although I can understand if one of them is tired of being pushed around by me wants to go home and act all "dominant" towards their wife...

Anyway, being in control (sic) doesn't make me feel good at all. Generally, it means more responsability, empathy, concern, and insight. What I like about it is the dynamic of working together. Like a team, where I'm the leader. Things work better in a team; you can get a lot more done in a much better way. So, for me "dominance" isn't about a power trip, but fitting into my naturally comfortable role of being better than everyone else

Now, please excuse me while I float away with my bloated ego

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord
IIt took me a good long time to come to terms with the fact some people just like being tied up and having another use them sexually. (I'm prone to take longer to believe in something that seems too good to be true.)

My thoughts exactly. I still have issues "realizing" it....

< Message edited by Tuomas -- 5/9/2007 6:40:24 PM >

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 12

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 6:56:16 PM

Adelphus

Posts: 87
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

YES!!! WHOO!!!!!
Thank so much, I needed to hear this! I mean, that's what I always thought, that doms enjoy the domination, they aren't just in it for physical pleasure.
*looks around furtively*
Screw it, no ones going to rat, and if they do, well so is life. Apparently people in my local BDSM community with no lives read my journal entry as to why I was dumped by my domme and told her about it. And she asked me to take it off because it was personal. And I did, even though I didn't really find that fair. I never said her name, but people figured it out, whatever. No one's going to bother checking my posts here and if they do...well....screw that! I need feedback!

That said, she accused me of using her, that I was a "do-me" sub. She said she resented that she had to dress up, pack her toys and go to parties that she didn't feel like going to.(never told me any of this) Then she said I didn't repay her with what she wanted, which was oral sex. And mouth kissing. (even though I helped paint her house, fix her computer, let her sleep over, offered massages, pedicures, made her tea, ect)

And I'm thinking; 'am I using her? I thought doms liked dom-ing, I thought that was what was in it for them, not that it was work. Jeeze, I really suck.'
But apparently I had it right then? That my high in submitting is the same that doms get from domming?
Awesome!
Now I have no more guilt! Yeay! Hope I don't get flamed for this.

PS. original journal post;
I wasn't what she thought I was, even though I told her repeatedly I wasn't. She told me she didn't mind that oral sex turned me off so thoroughly that I made it a hard limit, or that I would never, ever wear a collar. I told her I don't see myself as female but androgynous and that I was a sexual submissive and ONLY a sexual submissive.
But she wanted a woman, she wanted a 24/7, she wanted a collar and she wanted oral sex. But never made that clear. She says she was waiting, hoping I'd change and in the meantime kept telling me how great I was.
And now even though she’s realized the fault is on her end, I still feel this void. I have all these happy memories of her telling me how much she enjoyed our sessions when really she was disappointed and even accused me of using her. Hollow. All this time...I wasn't making her happy.
During the ensuing fight she told me that no one would take a sub that won't perform oral sex and won't wear a collar, and has a degree of aversion to open mouth kissing. I thought I was more than that, I thought I could give more than that. Is that all anyone really wants?
I don't know.
I know she’s apologized and I know I forgave her, but still.... I feel a bit of worth has been cut away from me...

< Message edited by Adelphus -- 5/9/2007 6:58:04 PM >

(in reply to Tuomas)

Post #: 13

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 7:13:03 PM

Griswold

Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Adelphus

So you take your sub, tie them down, do all kinds of stuff to them, but what do you get in return? The sub seems to get all the sensation while the Dom get exhausted. So the question is, do Doms get off through the shear act of dominating or do they require to be paid back in some way to make it fair?

And yes it's a dumb sounding question, but apparently some people are taking issue with me posting my actual problem. Sigh.

It ain't a dumb question...it's a remarkable question...frankly I'm surprised you don't have more responses.

I've always wondered the same thing (of course...my question would refer to a Domme...not a Dom...nevertheless).

I seriously don't get it. She's right....WTF? Over?

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 14

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 7:24:09 PM

ICGsteve

Posts: 202
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline

Dom's get the same things subs do, self exploration, learning about the human condition, creating passion and connection, stimulation of the nerves (the nerve endings as well as the brain) and all that comes from living fully and being a participant in life.

(in reply to Griswold)

Post #: 15

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 7:41:03 PM

kittinSol

Posts: 16926
Status: offline

This was a very interesting reply, CuriousDom. You helped us see within the mind of a Dom/me.

I still hesitate as to whether we are the way we are because that's the way we're wired, or whether we were 'nurtured' in such a way (it would hijack).

Anyhow, I think it's good when we can accept ourselves for what we are... without asking too many questions about it (you know,which came first, the egg or the hen or the egg debate). CuriousDom, well done - and I don't say that often.

_____________________________

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 16

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 7:48:09 PM

Laura

Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

I like making him squrim, it makes me wet. It's just that simple.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

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Post #: 17

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 7:53:45 PM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Adelphus
During the ensuing fight she told me that no one would take a sub that won't perform oral sex and won't wear a collar, and has a degree of aversion to open mouth kissing. I thought I was more than that, I thought I could give more than that. Is that all anyone really wants?

It depends on what the sub is wanted for. I wouldn't even consider a slave (For the position of main relationship) who had a block (I handle 'limits' diffrently than you obviously do) on oral, or wouldn't wear a collar and it would be a definate drawback if she had an aversion to kissing.

However IF I was seeking a service only sub then none of that would be applicable anyhow. Horses for courses and most certainly she is wrong about no-one being willing to take a sub with those 'conditions' attatched.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 18

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 7:59:04 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I enjoy seeing the reactions I get to whatever I do. I do not tie Angel, I hold him, and I can feel him react to anything I do. The power and feeling of not just being wanted but being NEEDED is all I want from him. We are not sexually involved, we do not kiss on the mouth at all, and he cant wear his collar aside from when we are at home plaing if I request it. So, to say no one would accept someone like that is untrue. However, you do need to make sure that whomever accepts you does so knowing what your limits are. Those are going to be dealbreakers for some. Anyone who accepts you knwoing your limits wil either try and push them, or leave you be with those things in place. Either way, they wil know and move ahead with the knowledge. Thats what you need to seek out.
DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 19

RE: What's in it for the Dom? - 5/9/2007 8:11:22 PM

robertolapiedra

Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

During the ensuing fight she told me that no one would take a sub that won't perform oral sex and won't wear a collar, and has a degree of aversion to open mouth kissing. I thought I was more than that, I thought I could give more than that. Is that all anyone really wants?
I don't know.
I know she’s apologized and I know I forgave her, but still.... I feel a bit of worth has been cut away from me...
[/quote]

Hello Adelphus. Limits are limits, some people have a hard time with the consensual side of things. Hell a lot of dommes will accept your limits, the honest ones understand hard versus soft limits. Collar? how about nice expensive jewelry? (I'm kidding.)

As for your feeling less worthy? Come on Adelphus, you should feel great for sticking up for yourself in the respect department. No open mouth kissing? No oral? No big deal, a good domme should be able to keep you very 'busy' even without those. RL.

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 20

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