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What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 4:17:46 PM

NakedGirlScout

Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline

In terms of BDSM as it relates to yourself and to your relationships, have you ever had an epiphany (or a slow grinding change of perspective) that proved to you that a very closely held belief of yours was completely wrong? Have you ever changed your opinion (or had it changed) to something diametrically opposed? How did it change you as a person?

I'm doing this as a little introspective for myself but I thought I'd share it. I'm going through a lot of changes where I'm finding myself letting go of dearly held beliefs of mine. For example, one of my favourites was "I cannot truly be controlled by anyone." Having that belief and yet secretly yearning for it not to be true, it was a shock to say the least when I discovered it wasn't true. Then came the stage where I had to re-evaluate who I was as a person, if I were now a person who could be controlled rather than someone who couldn't be.

Has anything that drastic in your understanding of things happened to you, and what came of it?

Post #: 1

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 4:23:28 PM

CuriousLord

Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

I was Catholic growing up. I was taught girls didn't enjoy sex- they gave it as a gift to their husband. Also, I was taught that controlling anyone else was evil.

Oh man. I was one confused kid when I got to be about ten...

Still bought the "it's evil to control someone else" until I was about eighteen. Figured I was just an evil guy. Guess I stopped caring about what was "good" and "evil" because I had thought of myself as "evil" for so long and realized it didn't mean anything- my subs were always consentual. (I was D/s instead of M/s until the end of about 18.)

Edit:
Some people may've noticed I'm less-than-accepting of religion. It's because of my childhood- this being part of it- that I do not see religious as something harmless to others- particularly, the children raised in religious households which preach values and morals that may well be contradictory to the child's nature.
I don't want to start a religious off-shoot topic on this thread, so this is a note, not a main point to respond to.

< Message edited by CuriousLord -- 5/10/2007 4:27:09 PM >

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 2

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 4:40:07 PM

ICGsteve

Posts: 202
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline

Two things come to mind. 1) that my wife needed understanding and support. What she needed was to be taken charge of and tamed. 2) that power games are destructive and need to be avoided. I now see that power games are usually destructive when the one with any power does not know what to do with it. Power games always take place, and the more skilled the user the better the outcome. I think I did a 180 in both cases. It was not over much time either, no more than a week to switch gears.

Good question.

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 3

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 5:21:58 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

The dynamics of how D/s works, at least for me, are quite different than what I thought they were when I began.

(in reply to ICGsteve)

Post #: 4

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 5:26:14 PM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

oooohhhh hmmmm wow. I love this question but darned if I can think of what my answer is at this moment...and there must be something...I mean how could there not be? After 33 years I can't have always been on spot.

Hate. I used to believe that hate was an emotion best served hot and with fury. That was wrong. Nothing good comes of hate. I spent the better part of my youth hating most everyone around me. When I grew and learned better I became who I am today. I'd like to think that most people think that I'm not only well rounded, intelligent, funny, but those who know me intimately, know I'm a damn good Dominant. What do I think of me? Well...I'm well rounded, intelligent, funny and a damn good Dominant. I'm also a wonderful mother, wife, nurse, student, and friend. (I hope those around me think those things too!)

Great post NakedGirlScout!

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to ICGsteve)

Post #: 5

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 5:35:27 PM

charismagirrl

Posts: 297
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline

Wow this is a really great question and i've been going through alot of this stuff while writing essays for my new website.

One of the big ones (myths) is that giving to someone is usually selfless... This has been a hard lesson and takes some explaining (or did to me LOL) but i've really begun to learn what motivates someone to do for another. i thought that i was pretty, as my Daddy put it, altruistic. i thought i was a good person that liked to give yadda yadda...Anyway i've learned alot about motivating factors that make for more selfish OR selfless giving.

i've learned sooo much in general about what an M/s relationship really is about and also what it means to really submit.

It's really been life and attitude changing by learning all of these things...and more importantly...learning to ACCEPT them.

_____________________________

For today i won't say but...
For today i wont say just...
For today i will simply obey....
For today i will trust that You are right...
For always i will be your imperfect slave

http://www.mycollarspace.com

(in reply to earthycouple)

Post #: 6

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 6:08:43 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedGirlScout

In terms of BDSM as it relates to yourself and to your relationships, have you ever had an epiphany (or a slow grinding change of perspective) that proved to you that a very closely held belief of yours was completely wrong? Have you ever changed your opinion (or had it changed) to something diametrically opposed? How did it change you as a person?

I'm doing this as a little introspective for myself but I thought I'd share it. I'm going through a lot of changes where I'm finding myself letting go of dearly held beliefs of mine. For example, one of my favourites was "I cannot truly be controlled by anyone." Having that belief and yet secretly yearning for it not to be true, it was a shock to say the least when I discovered it wasn't true. Then came the stage where I had to re-evaluate who I was as a person, if I were now a person who could be controlled rather than someone who couldn't be.

Has anything that drastic in your understanding of things happened to you, and what came of it?

I grew up as an only child. My mother's life was about me. I attended a very very small high school, was popular, voted homecoming queen etc etc. I was wholly convinced that the world revolved around me.

I assumed a D/s relationship would also follow this pattern. The point of the relationship would be him telling me what to do exactly how I wanted him to do it. The focus would always be on me. I wasn't giving up authority, he was giving me control.

Holy smokes, how very different reality turned out to be. I was in a relationship or two that actually worked in the above mentioned ways. I found them deeply dissatisfying and I couldn't understand why. I walked away from relationships that were D/s based for awhile. I went out into the real world and finally understood how very very very miniscule that 'world' that had revolved around me was. I had a job that sucked where people constantly yelled at me. I was at a school where no one knew me and no one cared. My mother decided that I was spoiled and suddenly stopped spoiling me by no longer paying for college or my expenses. Everything happened at once and it gave me a tremendous and really painful reality check.

The relationship I am currently in is about US as a Dominant and submissive. Not about me. Learning to choose service over 'what I wanted was kind of hard and then realizing that service was actually what I wanted kind of glabberghasted me.

But anyway, yay for self-enlightenment. I am definitely glad that I am not longer at that point in my life and I'm sure my partner is too lol

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 7

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 6:45:51 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

That people in the scene actually respected and stood for the concept of informed consent.

That females would be more open and friendly.

So wrong there.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to junecleaver)

Post #: 8

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 6:48:00 PM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

I scoffed at being Mastered. I was farrrrrrrrr to complex to be exposed without my consent, and I would never give my full consent. I guess Masters are Masters for a reason - he figured me out pretty quick and it amazes me still at times how accurate his quiet observation is.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to junecleaver)

Post #: 9

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 7:05:22 PM

aurora31

Posts: 266
Joined: 8/18/2005
Status: offline

I think the thing that has struck me the hardest is just how hard it is to live up to all I believe and my Sir believes this lifestyle is about. It is so easy to spout things off but actually living/doing them is another thing. I knew going in that it would take hard work especially since I am in a poly relationship but was totally surprised at just how hard it really all is. Yet I would not give it up for the world. Despite the blood, sweat and tears I am more fulfilled now then I was at any other point in my life.

aurora

(in reply to slaveish)

Post #: 10

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 7:22:35 PM

MissOchistic

Posts: 315
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline

I think for me the biggest one was discovering the difference between giving control and losing control. I sometimes thought i was either a lousy subby, or just not really into BDSM, because i didn't like the power exchange i had in my marriage. Because he called himself a Dom, for a long time i took his word on how things were supposed to be.

Then long after i had decided that i must have been wrong about myself and was not submissive, i found someone i really had an active desire to serve and please, and all the old feelings came back. Now i see that it's not me...my husband just isn't good for me.

Took me way too long to figure out the difference between a Dominant Man and just a capital D.

_____________________________

"The amount i care for Thee
is more than two, but less than three."

"Submission is a potlatch."

(in reply to aurora31)

Post #: 11

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 8:33:58 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

The main thing that comes to mind is that i never ever thought i would enjoy pain like i do now.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 12

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 8:55:44 PM

marfre

Posts: 41
Joined: 5/5/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

That people in the scene actually respected and stood for the concept of informed consent.

That females would be more open and friendly.

So wrong there.

LA,

By this- do you mean that you feel that people in the scene do not respect the concept? Just wanted to clarify.

~m

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 9:19:09 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

I was completely wrong that I'd enjoy a slower paced scene where I could make it to all the events...booooring.

I was completely wrong that I could call another man but my father "Daddy" and not be squicked.

Really, I thought that as I aged the cliquishness of the lifestylers would stop bothering me as much as it does...but that hasn't waned either. Actually it touches on two of LA's points. The women aren't any friendlier or open...and the cliques keep all the "safety" info guarded like an inside joke.

Every once in a while someone will come along, generally, one of the cliquesters and try to protect the "newbies"...I never realized how irritating that could be. Oops, kinda got off on a tangent.

I think my biggest error was in thinking that people in the lifestyle would be different, or at least more open...nope, we're just people.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 14

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 10:32:40 PM

N4SDChastity

Posts: 327
Joined: 2/27/2006
Status: offline

for me it's been more evolutionary, than revolutionary. No great epiphinanies, no salient elightenment, no moments of prescience. Just a slow, glacial coming-of-age. But, that is true of my life, as a whole.

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 15

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/10/2007 11:50:16 PM

gwendolyn

Posts: 188
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline

I guess, for me, it was one epiphany that led me to a couple of others.

I used to hold safewords to me like a sacred text or something. I swore to myself and anyone who would listen that they were a must and that I wouldn't have anything to do with anyone who didn't use them. Master never had a problem with safewords and understood why I felt the need for them. I came to the revelation quite on my own. It hit me like a ton of bricks one day: I didn't need a word to tell him if something went wrong. I trusted him.

This kind of led into another revelation of sorts. I was adament in my stance that I wasn't a slave. I swore that noone could have that kind of power over me; that using such a term made me weak. Through the experiences with Master over the past five months of a 24/7 TPE relationship, though, I've realized that this is exactly what I am.

We were talking just the other day about choices. He made the comment that every time he told me to do something, I made the choice as to whether or not I would do it. I think he had his own little revelation when I told him that wasn't the case. It never even enters my mind to disobey. I do without consideration for anything except what he's asked of me.

Gwen

_____________________________

Tell me what did you like about me?
And don't say my strength and daring.
'cause now I think I'm at your mercy;
And it's my first time for this kind of thing.

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 16

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 12:22:53 AM

greeneyes1962

Posts: 117
Joined: 9/7/2005
Status: offline

Yes, i have had that epiphany in the last two years. When I first discovered my submissive side, i believed myself to be a bottom. I never would have believed at that
time that i was a "slave in waiting" so to speak.

I could not have imagined the depths to which i could submit back then. I actually
had a line in my profile that said "Not a slave". I have had my fears about losing my-
self in slavery, not understanding that by giving in to it, I would find myself.

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 17

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 12:39:49 AM

rrivrsong

Posts: 13
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline

My epiphany: that bdsm is not "the answer, the definition of who I am and how I will live my life"; rather [for me, for today] it's a really fun hobby.

Took a long time to get here.

(in reply to greeneyes1962)

Post #: 18

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 1:07:20 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Hmmm what a great thread! Well, other than the fact that needleplay wasn't as painful as i'd imagined and feared it to be ... in fact it was so anticlimactic because i didn't feel a damned thing that i burst out laughing ... the greatest epiphany for me was going from "this could only be a small part of my life" to "oh my, so real people really do live this way?" to "but I couldn't:" to "why couldn't I?" to "I want to" to "hell, I'm doing it!" to "what other life could I lead?" Those were the steps as I recall them ... and it took about 6 months! I am soooo glad I walked that path.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

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Post #: 19

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 1:21:10 AM

FelinePersuasion

Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

I thought my ageplay self and my adult self would be seperate, that little me would address whom I found as Daddy and big me would be seperate. Well they're not. I nect to never refere to James, as James it's usualy daddy, regardless of who is out.

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 20

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