Is romance desired or just dominance?

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Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/12/2007 7:22:04 PM

MellowSir

Posts: 260
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline

I'm interested in what degree of romantic love and bdsm is preferred when you are in a sub/slave role, and how important is respect for feelings in regards to it. I try to mix it in equal measure and was wondering if I tend to not punish enough because of feelings, or too hard because of dominance. Something as simple as holding hands is equitable to a controlling scene, for me, just wondering........

< Message edited by MellowSir -- 5/12/2007 7:25:41 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/12/2007 7:29:28 PM

littlespicyone

Posts: 28
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline

I think the D/s relationship is exactly that: a relationship and everything that is included in a regular relationship should be involved in a D/s relationship. Someday I hope to find a Master that is my boyfriend and lover as well as my Dominant. I need to be petted and hugged and snuggled and think that fulfilling those needs is as important in taking care of me as anything else. I think it's silly for people to think that sweetness and tenderness is equivalent to weakness. I actually had a submissive tell me once that if I found a Master who was devoted to me, that he wouldn't really be a Dominant. This was during the course of an argument about polyamory, but still, she really believed it, but I think that kind of Dom is one-dimensional.

Besides, I always fall at least a little in love with my Dominant and if I'm going to give myself and my heart to someone, I want Him to be as multi-dimensional as I am.

(in reply to MellowSir)

Post #: 2

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/12/2007 7:45:45 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

I think the answers will vary, but for myself, they are often the same.

I like to have my partners near. Very near. Under the same roof near. Doing that, it is 'possible' to still keep things 'aloof', without romance, but that really isn't my style.

That's not to say that the proportion of D/s to romance can't be half, or even tipped to one side or another. It's whatever works for that particular couple.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to MellowSir)

Post #: 3

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/12/2007 7:47:26 PM

minnetar

Posts: 1272
Joined: 4/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MellowSir

I'm interested in what degree of romantic love and bdsm is preferred when you are in a sub/slave role, and how important is respect for feelings in regards to it. I try to mix it in equal measure and was wondering if I tend to not punish enough because of feelings, or too hard because of dominance. Something as simple as holding hands is equitable to a controlling scene, for me, just wondering........

Sir i believe it varies based on the sub. i am seeking a sensual Dom. i am not into pain in the least so i would love this.

minnetar

(in reply to MellowSir)

Post #: 4

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/12/2007 8:00:09 PM

EvaLass

Posts: 83
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

I think it is the chemistry between two people that counts. The respect for the Dom/me will develop naturally if he/she is a person of integrity, someone who can be trusted and who lives up to his or her word. There is no rulebook. If the punishment is real and based on a stated set of rules, it needs to be in proportion to the "crime" committed. As for me, I am seeking a loving Dom who will be my best friend, eventual lover, and long-term companion (marriage is good, too). That Dom I will respect because 1) he takes responsibility for his actions 2) he behaves in an honorable manner 3) he takes good care of me and is concerned about my feelings and preferences. My Dom won't have a list of rules that are easy to break; if he has boundaries, hard limits, or things that really bother him, I will do my best to respect them. And, really, my Dom won't really like the idea of punishment, anyway, because he will be happy with me 99 percent of the time. If I do something he dislikes, he will think long and hard about whether and how much to punish me. Of course, I am not a slave; I am speaking from a submissive's perspective. While some Doms are sadistic and thrive on punishment, they may sometimes choose a slave who seeks it out. That is not always true: there are some bad, crazy, and irrational people in the vanilla and BDSM world who hurt people for no reason at all. The bottom line is whatever works for you and your slave to create harmony and happiness.

Oh, and about romance. People can fall in love whether they are in the vanilla or the BDSM world. If love happens, feed and nurture it. It is the most rare blossom on the planet and something to be treasured.

< Message edited by EvaLass -- 5/12/2007 8:02:31 PM >

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 5

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/12/2007 8:06:55 PM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

Oh, and about romance. People can fall in love whether they are in the vanilla or the BDSM world. If love happens, feed and nurture it. It is the most rare blossom on the planet and something to be treasured.

Eva ...on this I agree with you.
I dont want to love I want to obey and if love just happens along, it is totally cool

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to EvaLass)

Post #: 6

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/12/2007 8:22:21 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

and to think i was under the impression that feeling a fist in my hair was romance!

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 7

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/12/2007 8:37:54 PM

Evilfx

Posts: 15
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

Love is the most powerful form of domination possible. Not only to enslave the body and the mind, but the heart as well. Romance can very often be the key to that dominance. However HOW you go about "romancing" will varry from person to person depending on what does it for them.

(in reply to MellowSir)

Post #: 8

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/12/2007 8:55:56 PM

EvaLass

Posts: 83
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

It also depends on whether you want to elicit love and affection from your slave or submissive. If you want to create intense feelings of dependence as a way of controlling their attitudes, then seduction is another option, too. I look at romance as a light form of seduction. Bring someone flowers, and they feel you care. That is romance. Figure out their vulnerabilities and aim your efforts right at their weak areas, that is seduction. Some people say that the D/s relationship is about mutual seduction. Two people seduce each other to get their (unusual) needs met. Not sure how that differs from the vanilla world, actually. Maybe someone else has some more brilliant insights into the topic. Seduction may not lead to love, but it can lead to intense engagement with another person. Seduction is a power game, though, and it can be a cruel one if you are only planning to toy with someone for a short period of time. Not a good idea.

(in reply to Evilfx)

Post #: 9

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/12/2007 9:11:30 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

Well, for me it always depended on the person...

My first Master was just my Master, no romance involved. He had an alpha slave that He eventually married...that's where He got His romance from. I dated for romance and came to Him for Dominance. It was a mutually effective arrangement.

But, now I have a Daddy with whom I am in love, and romance is part of the equation. I knew when I found the lifestyle that eventually I would want a partner with whom I could share life and the lifestyle. And, love doesn't get in the way, it actually makes the scenes sweeter and the energy just that much stronger.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to MellowSir)

Post #: 10

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/12/2007 9:59:14 PM

GeekyGirl

Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline

Love comes first for me. Even my casual play partners are all ex-dominants whom I felt some type of romantic attachment/love for. I can't play with someone that I don't love or haven't loved in the past. It's just like that for me. I can't trust someone enough to engage in BDSM play unless I've formed a strong romantic relationship with them at some point.

I prefer that the relationship be equal parts love and bdsm, but the love should always be present even in the BDSM interactions.

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 11

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/12/2007 10:09:12 PM

EvaLass

Posts: 83
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

Hi, GeekyGirl, I am in your court. I really want romance and love, the whole package. I like the signature quote that goes with your text. Did you write it or, if not, can you tell me where it came from?

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 12

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/12/2007 11:59:53 PM

LVpet

Posts: 27
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline

MellowSir,
I did not enter the relationship I am in with any toughts of romance or love. I wanted/needed His dominance, He wanted/needed my submission. We know that we each have our own "level" or form of affection or caring for each other and that is enough. From my perspective His dominance and acceptance of me is a show of affection in and of itself.
LVpet

(in reply to MellowSir)

Post #: 13

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/13/2007 12:19:21 AM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evilfx

Love is the most powerful form of domination possible. Not only to enslave the body and the mind, but the heart as well. Romance can very often be the key to that dominance. However HOW you go about "romancing" will varry from person to person depending on what does it for them.

I love what you just said. Mental domination and love is the most powerful form of domination.
I need and can only accept BOTH.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Evilfx)

Post #: 14

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/13/2007 12:32:37 AM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

In a perfect world, I'd definitely desire romantic love first. But as there's nothing really going on in my life these days, I think straight forward dominance would work just as well because the absence of something is still nothing.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 15

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/13/2007 12:43:30 AM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

I see and respect your point littlesarbann, its just that I am so damn busy and my life
is really very full.
So I will wait until I can have it all. Not saying a bit of play is a bad thing, I would not mind
"playing", but I am not going to settle for a serious relationship without love .......
{unless he is a billionaire},
I mean we all can settle for something.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 16

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/13/2007 1:23:39 AM

leftofcenter

Posts: 31
Status: offline

MellowSir,
Your answers are going to be as varied as the people you meet. There are Doms out there who believe their dominance is compromised by "caring" in a romantic way for their submissive. That's surely not the kind of Dominant I want..but it's out there. They believe that caring makes them a weaker dominant...and involves too many emotions in what they think should be a cause/effect situation. There are also some who believe that their submissive gains power(that they shouldnt have) if they learn their dominant cares for them. Somehow it makes them weaker in their own minds.
Personally, my feelings of submission only grow when there's the added dynamic of romance and emotion...but there are a whole category men who refused to have any other dynamic in their D/s or M/s relationship....than power exchange.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 17

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/13/2007 4:56:55 AM

Areflectionofyou

Posts: 258
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline

For Master and i, we are in love so romance is a part of our Master/slave relationship....its all about the choices that we make when we get involved with each other .

(in reply to MellowSir)

Post #: 18

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/13/2007 5:04:09 AM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

I haven't really gotten it sorted out yet, but in my gut, I sense its a mistake to pit 'bdsm' and romantic love against each other as if they were fundamentally different. Perhaps the dynamics involved in D/s and the activities involved in SM and B and D can be thought of in terms of a kind of romance that eschews the kitschy sentimentalism of hearts and flowers in favor of something more darkly dramatic or sublime.

I can get very attached to partners though, thus far, love hasn't really been part of my relationships. For me, love involves acceptance of another person and I don't think its possible for me to feel that kind of emotional bond with someone unless I've submitted to them completely and they've accepted that part of me.

Its like that Pink Floyd song, The Final Cut:

And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?
Would you sell your story to Rolling Stone?
Would you take the children away
And leave me alone?
And smile in reassurance
As you whisper down the phone?
Would you send me packing?
Or would you take me home?

I've been sent packing more than once. Or, people have tried to fix me on the grounds that I was too submissive which is kind of ironic because they didn't have a clue how far I could probably go.

Where does 'dominance' fit into all this? The way I'm looking at it now, if I give someone power its up to them how they use it. They can use that power to contain my submission or they can use it to further it. Once I cede control, its really up to them. But, if they use their control to uncover the really twisted stuff and the stuff I want to hide from because I have a hard time dealing with it and owing up to, I can be confident that they're at least willing to explore the really twisted shit. Its risky because I'm not even sure what all's there and sometimes I freak myself out.

In the same token, I wanna see the dominant side of a person, all of it, so I can decide if I can accept it fully. What are their fantasies and complexes, the twisted shit they keep under wraps? What do they do when they got the power?

I don't know if I'm making sense, and I don't feel as if I have the right words at my disposal (how many times did I use twisted in this post?). I don't even know if I'm addressing the question posed in the OP. But to cut it short, I don't really look at love and bdsm as separate things. If love's gonna be in the mix, I want to be loved as much for how twisted I can be as my other qualities (and I have a lot of non-twisted qualities).

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

(in reply to MellowSir)

Post #: 19

RE: Is romance desired or just dominance? - 5/13/2007 5:48:31 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

i have had many Doms/Masters tell me that when romance is involved the control is lost. For them it is. Others find a romantic connection leads to greater trust and greater trust strengthens the BDSM aspects. To me, Power Exchange is an exchange not one giving and the other taking. For a Master to trust me with His vulernability is such an honor and such a gift that it takes my breath away. Would a Master trust me enough to be vulernable without Love? i don't think so.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to MellowSir)

Post #: 20

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