LadyHugs
Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Dear Rrobinlarkway, Ladies and Gentlemen;
You know your husband best, as later posts you have made professes this fact. On these forums, we're all prone to use our personal measure of right and wrong, judgments by personal standards, experiences, prejudice and ignorance -- even personality conflicts.
That said, the compulsive behavior you mention, the obsessed behavior and his insecurities are going to have tendencies to grasp at anything that may be a success.
There is often a misunderstanding of what abuse can be/may be. It isn't always physical harm but, emotional, mental and or spiritual as well. Many a case has been presented of late, to where the external appearances of a happy home is not what is inside. Dr. Phil seems to have a similar case that just aired, where the need to control was so great that he was dangerous. Although it might not be 'as' bad; it still is a great concern of mine, looking from the outside per se.
As others have pointed out, it is not so much the style of Domination-submission that is the issue; it is the ethics and moral attitudes and behaviors, to which is preferred in many 'BDSM, D/s, M/s and or S&M practices; to include Gorean.'
It is unkind of any person to thrust something new onto their 'dearest one' to where they are unable to make an intelligent choice to commit or waive off the commitment. Knowledge is power in this aspect, to which both of you should have researched and get a grasp of what Gorean meant to those who seriously practice it as a life's philosophy and style, with the exception of all the fantasy the books carry through, such as killing a slave has no consequences, men can treat any woman as the see fit, as men are not held accountable of abuse towards women yet, they are in battle and the like. Gorean books have women who are of no consequence especially free, just a breeding cow per se and after birth, can be forced into slavery or worse. Its sexually charged where men can rape, plunder and pillage and that is what Si-Fi series stories work on per se. Sex sells--men buy it. However, there are some who pluck some aspects out of the Gorean novels and can identify with more reasonable expectations and may be considered 'watered down' Gorean.
In my mind's eyes I see -- your husband is struggling. I highly recommend urging him to see professional help.
The need to look outside the marriage to help mend it or maintain it is the destruction of it. Everybody has an opinion, to include me.
It reads like he is seeking a solution and more despirate as time goes about, the seeking is also now sneaking, domineering, controlling and this is why a woman was so scared of him--too strong, too much and isn't telling the whole truth if he had to lie even a crumbs worth.
In D/s, M/s, BDSM and or S&M, relationships are built on trust and communication. If you aren't listening, he will find someone else who will and or forced to listen--as well as obey. Although, some people come into BDSM as kink sex and control; most grow into something beyond sex and micro management. Some come into BDSM to heal or find some form of mental, emotional and spiritual relief. Unfortunately, some come into BDSM as to rape, plunder, pillage mentality.
You can support your husband and at the same time not become a doormat to behaviors that upset you and or your marriage. He will have to admit he needs help in order to allow help to come and give him the tools to be his own white knight. This is where professional mental health comes in and where all of us wish we had the ability to help you both by, knowing our own limits and knowing when its time to seek professional help; marriage experts, mental health and or anything that helps the marriage within.
I do wish you much success dear lady.
Just some thoughts.
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
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