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Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 7:29:33 AM   
fantasyweaver


Posts: 8
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		Greetings friends,....
I am hoping for some much needed guidance.I am a novice sub..finding my path in the lifestyle later than most.  As a result, I have been seeking an "older" Dom as a life partner...and of course, their expectations, after a lifetime of experience, are quite high for someone like me.  But my heart is pure and I truly want to be a worthy sub. I met a Dom on CM who captured my heart and after weeks of emails and phone calls, had went to great lengths to arrange his schedule to see me this weekend.  Unfortunately, last evening, after a particulary stressful day at the office, I reverted to vanilla "noise". He removed himself in his usual training style..and I in my usual training style, took the evening to research my communication style error, update my journal and submit it to him in accordance with his expectations.  This morning, rather than my usual return to his feet...he left me a note that I was dismissed.  I am shattered.  I know where I erred, and fully accept responsiblity for my mistakes in training.  His presence matters greatly to me.  Is there any way in these situations to ask for reconsideration? Can anyone provide guidance in the proper method to request forgiveness and ask to be reconsidered? I do not wish to offend him further, but can not understand how someone could express such caring for me and desire for me to be his life partner then dismiss me so suddenly, when I truly do want to readjust my vanilla style of communication.  I care deeply for him and what he has brought to my life.  Any advice on how to reapproach him would be sincerely valued and appreciated.
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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 7:34:51 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Did he mean dismissed for the evening, as in I'm done talking with you tonight or dismissed period?

(in reply to fantasyweaver)
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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 7:36:49 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		as blunt as this may sound... this may have been the easiest way for this guy to get out of a meeting that most likely would not have happened in the first place

I don't know but I do know that situations like this are not uncommon.

Both dominants & submissives have found themselves in situations where the person that they have been building such a deep bond just go poof... sometimes they actually get a final word like the one you described... sometimes they don't get anything at all.

I would suggest that you take the positive that you got from the brief time you had with this online infatuation & allow it to help you with discovering what you will eventually need in a real time scenario.



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MstrssPassion


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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 7:39:21 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Did he mean dismissed for the evening, as in I'm done talking with you tonight or dismissed period?


You know.... I can see where you are going with this...

To the OP: were you using yahoo & possibly you signed off prior to him telling you that you are dismissed (free to go) to go do your research & reflect upon the happenings?

Check the time stamps of the messages & see if this reveals anything.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 5/16/2007 7:40:02 AM >

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MstrssPassion


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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 7:39:59 AM   
fantasyweaver


Posts: 8
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		Dear Heartfelt--he meant period

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 7:40:16 AM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		Hmmm... i would not get all wrap around that axel with someone so easily turned away.... Also i wouldn't put it ALL out there quite so fast next time....

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*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 7:44:48 AM   
fantasyweaver


Posts: 8
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		Mistress Passion..
Thank you for your candid observation.  I had thought of that...but hoped that it wasnt the case.  Such a potentially damaging experience to bring the trust needed to a beginning relatiioship in order for ir to grow only to have to face that you are an old fool at best. But if this were the case, you are correct, I have learned many basics which will serve me well as I continue to seek my Dom.  If he truly were the "real" thing, I can only hope that someone will provide advice on how to handle this situation and try to regain his confidence in me.  My sincere thanks.

(in reply to fantasyweaver)
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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 7:48:53 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fantasyweaver

Dear Heartfelt--he meant period


If you are 100% sure that he meant... you are dismissed PERIOD, then you will simply have to accept his words & move on. For you to look for ways to beg your way back in could very well be percieved as you undermining his decision to move on & that will only cause more grief. The hard ass obviously felt within his right to brush you off without so much as a second chance... you really don't have any recourse with this type of mentality.

If he is adamant about strict protocol & he is absolutely unwilling to budge then this is just the way it is going to be. 

You say you are a novice & you wished to jump into this type of dynamic because you thought this was something you could adhere to... I think you just learned something... sometimes we can't learn to swim by jumping in the deep end.

This in no way demeans you or your desire to submit.... it simply means that you & he lack the capability that he insists upon & it would be best for you to move onto to someone who is willing to help you mold yourself a bit rather than present a cookie cutter & order you to fit.

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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 7:52:18 AM   
ExtremeOwnerIL


Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fantasyweaver

Mistress Passion..
Thank you for your candid observation.  I had thought of that...but hoped that it wasnt the case.  Such a potentially damaging experience to bring the trust needed to a beginning relatiioship in order for ir to grow only to have to face that you are an old fool at best. But if this were the case, you are correct, I have learned many basics which will serve me well as I continue to seek my Dom.  If he truly were the "real" thing, I can only hope that someone will provide advice on how to handle this situation and try to regain his confidence in me.  My sincere thanks.


Personally speaking, if I have an issue that would require complete dismissal, I would be talking to that person in detail. I'm also assuming, not knowing either of you, that you've followed up with asking about the dismissal.

It is entirely possible that you've been let go to avoid issues with him meeting you, we just don't know. It would be difficult to tell you how to handle this situation if there is an opportunity to "regain his confidence" - although given the clues you've provided, this may be difficult.

How can you handle this if it is a final dismissal? How would you wish to handle any situation that involves a cessation of something that had been a part of your life? Hopefully with grace, dignity, and an open mind to learn lessons and continue the journey.


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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 7:52:39 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		All you can do is put your feelings, your appology and your desire to be fully His in a letter or mail and send it, but be prepaired for rejection. I have NEVER recollared a girl that I have dismissed, I don't take such a decision lightly and if I do then it is because I truely believe the situation is entirely unsalvageable. He may have reached that conclusion with you even if you see things diffrently, but unless you try then you will never know wether He maybe open to reconsider His decision in light of your plea... just make sure you mean it and are willing to put the work in, IF He does reconsider then IF He faces the same problems resurfacing and ends up regretting giving you another chance He would be much less likely to give any further chances!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to fantasyweaver)
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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 8:01:20 AM   
SirPain


Posts: 25
Joined: 3/26/2004
Status: offline 		I know that dismissal can be such a heart renching time.  I have had to dismiss several subs and slaves in my time in this lifestyle.  It is never easy for either party involved especially if there has been a true physical bond established.  But, I have always found it best to be a stand up sort and do this face to face.  It's not the easiest thing to do and yes it takes a lot of emotional stress to handle this.  But I feel it is best to be able to clarify why and what caused the dismissal.  In yhour case I'm not sure you will ever have a firm answer, but the best thing you can do right now is concentrate on yourself for a while and then get back in the saddle.  Find a Master who is willing to take the time to accept your newness to the lifestyle and build on it.  One who is willing to teach you, in his own way, what you need to know to please him. 

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 8:02:00 AM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		He wasn't.  There are so many people who use these sites for "jack off" material and as soon it gets real or they get off they are gone.  I have been in a number of conversations that seem to me to be going very will and then in the middle they get off and it ends, or everything is perfect up until the time that you are actually going to meet and then it's I can't meet or more often no word from them again.  This sounds like it was a good reason to drop you and not follow through.  Of course I don't know what you did, but normally a little punishment will correct an error on your part if the intent to actually follow through was there in the first place.

Mike


(in reply to fantasyweaver)
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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 8:02:32 AM   
lilpony


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/3/2005
Status: offline 		Am I correct in that you both have never yet met ?

If so it is VERY possable that he is/was a"wannabe" and faced with the reality of meeting you, he chickened out.
It would not be the first time that happens

(in reply to fantasyweaver)
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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 8:05:54 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		It's possible he "dismissed" you because his wife walked into the room and reminded him about the family reunion this weekend. 
I am curious about what "vanilla noise" means.  Did you have certain protocols for communication that had broken down?


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(in reply to lilpony)
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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 8:26:04 AM   
nyrisa


Posts: 1830
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		Dear fantasy:

I am sorry, it just sounds way too convenient, to find a reason to dismiss you, with the fault attributed to YOU, just prior to the first meeting. An experienced Dom would have been aware that you are a novice, would have expected you to stumble and backslide upon occasion, and would have had coping strategies for getting you back on track, without resorting to an action as catastrophic as severing a relationship that was apparently intended to be headed towards "life partnership". Unless you did something unforgiveable, like telling him "fuck you AND the jackass you rode in on!", then I can't picture something that would happen in one conversation that would have justified his action.

It sounds very much like he was enjoying the rosy fantasy in his own mind, and setting an actual meeting crash landed his pink cloud into a mountain of reality. He was evidently either misrepresenting himself physically, emotionally, lying about his past, or hiding a wife, or any one of a host of other deal breakers. By putting the "blame" on you, he can soothe his own conscience, maintain his fantasy, and move on to the next online romance.

Please don't break your heart over this experience. Remember, we learn something from all of our experiences, and you have learned a little more about caution, about taking things slow in commitments, and about warning signs for things not quite adding up. Don't let it make you bitter or cynical; if you can, just offer him a little pity and hope he will mature and learn, as well.

_____________________________

A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. Robert Heinlein

The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it is still on my list.

(in reply to fantasyweaver)
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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 8:34:35 AM   
PrincessEllie


Posts: 287
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline 		It sounds like he has completely dismissed you. I think, personally, that you are better off. He might have been into the scene for a long time, but if he cannot understand that you are new and learning he does not disserve to have you.

Making mistakes is a human quality, and if you know what you did wrong your mistake was a benefit becayse you learned something for it. If you are serious about being with him, I would send him a message telling him the truth of the matter. That you made a mistake and know exactly what you did wrong and feel bad about it. Request humbly to be let back into his service.

Personally, I don't think he should have you. You seem intelligent and truely interested in serving, but he seems to want too much. And not explaining himself is really rude.


_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

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(in reply to lilpony)
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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 8:40:12 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I have to agree with the others, he used this as a convenient excuse.  I'm sorry it hurts, but I'd say take six months before you make a commitment to anyone else.

It's likely he had other(s) as well.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 8:55:30 AM   
Donnalee


Posts: 339
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline 		Sorry that happened to you, Fantasyweaver.  You're going to be hurting and vulnerable for a while, so be careful about how you interact with others in the near future, and be weary of emails from "Doms" who offer to "mentor" you back into proper submission.....there be wolves in these woods...

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Just through all of your ups and downs ... know that I love you dearly.

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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 10:04:50 AM   
Faramir


Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline 		I'm sorry you are hurt and suffering.  It's pretty clear you feel awful right now, and I have sympathy for you--everyone of us here has experienced the pain and dissapointment of a relationship that didn't work out as hoped for.

I'm going to offer a piece of advice that might sting--please know it is meant in a sincere hope that it will help you better process this:

Most likely, he's just not that into you. It doesn't matter whether a man is vanilla or super-crazy BDSM, when a man is truly intersted in a woman, he'll go to great lengths to pursue her, and if he isn't into her, he walk a foot out of hsi way.  If a guy takes the first out he can to drop a relationhsip, than whatever the reason, he was looking for an out.  Whether he was married and dreaming, or just didn't have the attraction to you he hoped, if he walked at the first opportunity, he was looking to walk.

(in reply to Donnalee)
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RE: Being dismissed.... - 5/16/2007 10:28:45 AM   
NakedGirlScout


Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		dear fantasyweaver, I'm so sorry and really feel for your situation, one which I have similarly been in before. I am sorry I find myself thinking the same thing as some of the others, that this man MAY not have really meant to meet you in real life, and had been leading you on and found himself painted into a corner. I can't find any other way to explain his very sudden refusal to meet you the night before the date. I agree that many times someone you have given yourself to online turns out not to exist *at least not as whom they claimed to be*. If you take anything out of this, I hope it's to meet face to face before devoting yourself that deeply to the relationship. I am sure that nothing you could have done online/phone would have been so horrible as to make someone immediately cease loving you. It sounds like you followed the normal procedures he expected of you, and he just poofed with an excuse that was convenient for him, but horribly destructive to you.

(in reply to fantasyweaver)
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