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RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/17/2007 4:56:59 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hiddendesires2

I have been in a D/s relationship for the most part of  4 years. Recently due to  some unprepared for circumstances. I, the sub, released my Dom. I realized almost immediately after, that it was not the answer. I have sent him many phone messges and emails trying to explain myself and have asked for forgiveness. And a chance to start again if he see fits. I have had no response. I'm not sure if he just needs more time as I'm sure he is dealing with pain  or is extremely annoyed that I as a submissive released Him. I don't really think it is that at all. I'm in limbo right now. I need a new beginning or closure so that I can go on. I don't know if I should continue to try and contact him, is this annoying him more or should I just show up and see what happens. Andy feedback would be greatly appreciated.


I've been that girl.

The girl who breaks up with a guy, then realizes she wants him back. Only in my case, the guy tended to take me back, then I'd dump him again. The cycle repeated for about four or five times until either A) I realized that I couldn't be in a relationship with this person, no matter how wonderful and sexy they were and that I was just going to keep hurting them or B) he got smart.

It's entirely possible that your dom wants to avoid one of those and let's face it - you broke up with him. You've got your closure right there. You left him and it doesn't look like he is going to take you back. It may suck for you, but I bet he wasn't all sunshine and roses about being left.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to hiddendesires2)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/17/2007 5:50:04 PM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: robertolapiedra
Hello hiddendesires. I see that you are asking "ask a master" for how to get back with a master after you put an end to the relationship? I really don't think there is that much 'expertise' in that department in 'this' forum. The only feedback you are going to get is to 'move on'.

If you hadn't noticed, almost half the responses have been from non-dominants.


I know LuckyAlbatross, I know but I don't think subs with 'success' stories find the consensus very inviting  'in' the 'ask a master' forum on this subject. If she posted: "any sub that left dom had success coming back?" type post in a sub forum, most doms would not likely participate just to tell her to 'move on' and opinions of the 'deed' would be at a minimum.

She want's feedback 'so she can get back with her dom' and she is not getting much here. I can give her my opinion (move on!) but I feel 'that' is not responding to the op. I just feel that this post is for an ultra 'specialised' group. It's my way of helping her 'move on'. Think about it, it's only apples with apples...RL

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/17/2007 6:19:29 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You assume subs are like other subs- you know they aren't.  They are extremely varied.

Of course I agree that when looking for certain perspectives, it's likely to garner more responses if placed in the appropriate forum.  But this particular instance doesn't seem to be one of those cases- as proven by the variety of orientation and similarity of responses.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to robertolapiedra)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/17/2007 6:26:42 PM   
krikket


Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline 		After an almost 5 year relationship with a man i adored more than my own life -- he was my life -- he released me for reasons i won't go into, but yes, they were painful for both of us.  It's been a few years now, and while there's still a little part of my heart that will always belong to him, i wouldn't go back with him on a bet -- for one simple reason -- trust.  How could i ever trust him not to leave again when it fitted his purpose.  Trust, like a fine goblet, is, imho, almost impossible to put back together.  Yes it's possible, but both must be willing.  In this case it doesn't appear he is.  Time might help...but it's strictly up to him, i'd think.

Good luck.

jimini

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin



When your heart speaks take good notes.





(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/17/2007 6:30:31 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear hiddendesires2, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I have never had a submissive/slave release me as a Dominant.  I would say if I had such an experience, I would never revisit that relationship again as it really does not matter who ends the relationship first--The relationship is over period no matter who decided to cause it's ending.
 
If left of friendly terms there would be communication.
 
I will say though, Dominants do have feelings and though we're given a public persona to maintain, there may be great pain inside, mourning and moving on, as Dominants are human also.  The extra slice of humiliation to have a submissive dismiss a Dominant -- well, that is a bit odd in my mind's eyes, unless it is due to abuse and or abandonment.
 
In addition -- Dominants have the right to consent and not to consent.
So much focus on the rights of slaves and submissives, it is often overlooked that Dominants have a right of refusal/non-consent as much as consent.
 
Other factors may be at work, as a personal computer may be on the mend in a shop; the person may be in the hospital and or deployed in the military and or on business trips.  So many assumptions can be made and assumptions can lead to miss-reading into the entire picture.
 
I would not surprise any Dominant, such as surprise visits and showing up suddenly.  The rules of dating in the beginning phase and being respectful and honoring personal space and privacy comes to mind.
An E-mail apology works and if there is a postal address a written apology works also.  However, be aware that such can be deleted or trashed with never being viewed at all.
 
Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to hiddendesires2)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/17/2007 10:31:20 PM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

You assume subs are like other subs- you know they aren't.  They are extremely varied.

Of course I agree that when looking for certain perspectives, it's likely to garner more responses if placed in the appropriate forum.  But this particular instance doesn't seem to be one of those cases- as proven by the variety of orientation and similarity of responses.


Hello again. You assume that I assume? "Doesn't seem to be?" She could post it the way I suggested and we would find out,  right? (assuming she would?)

-Subs are like other subs ? They are extremely varied?

In some ways subs are all alike? in others not? Sure, if you want... but I would not say 'extremely', just 'varied' would suffice. And some of the the 'varied' containing the sub group I was referring to (experience with reconciling after dom dismissal) may not even subscribe to this forum. Some subs like to give and recieve advice in the sub section and don't give a shit about what a master thinks about sub problems ('varied' contains this group also) this way missing out on the 'sub advice and postings' in the 'master forum'. Is that ok with you? RL.

Edit: forgot something.

< Message edited by robertolapiedra -- 5/17/2007 11:18:51 PM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/17/2007 10:40:28 PM   
HeavansKeeper


Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		I've trained My Pet to fight for what she wants.  If she were to fail me, she has the responsibility to rectify that mistake.  Your Dom isn't me.  You aren't My Pet... But in anycase, this is a Dom telling you that if you want him back, you need to dig through the ditches and burn through the witches.

(in reply to robertolapiedra)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/17/2007 11:01:49 PM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		> 4 hours should be 4 years

If it has been 4 hours, than you need to wait for 4 months.
If it has been 4 years, then you need to move on.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/18/2007 12:07:03 AM   
MissOchistic


Posts: 315
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hiddendesires2

I'm not expecting closure from him. I know that is to come from me.


Well, then, there's your answer.

So why are you still bothering him? If you know the closure you need will come from you, leave him be to greive and move on. By festering with the wound, you're only prolonging the pain and probably irritation he has to feel after four years.

When it's over, it's over. I know after such a long, deep relationship, the natural response is often to cling to straws and deny that the hurtful choice is the right one. And sometimes you tell yourself your reasons were lousy. Well, tell ya what....if it had been four hours, depression or loss of reason would be a lousy reason and a forgivable mistake. But after four years...you stop having those lapses in a good relationship. The decision you made was probably the right one, and you should accept it and move on.

More importantly, let him move on.

_____________________________



"The amount i care for Thee
is more than two, but less than three."

"Submission is a potlatch."

(in reply to hiddendesires2)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/18/2007 5:45:15 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hiddendesires2

I have been in a D/s relationship for the most part of  4 years. Recently due to  some unprepared for circumstances. I, the sub, released my Dom. I realized almost immediately after, that it was not the answer. I have sent him many phone messges and emails trying to explain myself and have asked for forgiveness. And a chance to start again if he see fits. I have had no response. I'm not sure if he just needs more time as I'm sure he is dealing with pain  or is extremely annoyed that I as a submissive released Him. I don't really think it is that at all. I'm in limbo right now. I need a new beginning or closure so that I can go on. I don't know if I should continue to try and contact him, is this annoying him more or should I just show up and see what happens. Andy feedback would be greatly appreciated.

This is more complicated than is generally appreciated from some of the "drive by" replies.
 
Fours years is a long time to invest emotions etc, assuming this wasn't just some long distance cyber relationship.  Whatever your reasons for initially ending it, I hafta think he wasn't some drone devoid of feelings who can just shrug and write the time off as just another experience.
 
It was my last fem/sub's choice to end our relationship (of less than a year) and while I was disappointed etc, I got over it and occasionally still run into her.  We're still friendly on such occasions but as much as I'd missed having her, my current attitude is that I wouldn't let her just waltz back into my life again - NOT that she wants to.  BTW, ours was a passive breakup - no huge fights or hurtful insults etc.
 
But it strikes me as odd that 4 years of investment doesn't even rate you a token "get lost" reply from him, if that's how he really feels.  Sulking seems such an "undomly" trait, nevermind unmanly....
 
What I think you should do is give yourself closure.  Since you can contact him, write what amounts to a *final* reply telling him how you feel etc then be the "bigger person"; that you're disappointed he won't even talk to you but you accept his silence as his answer and wish him well etc, and that you'll now leave him alone.  He's empowered while he gets to ignore you but that all changes if he thinks you're not gonna try again.  I'm certainly not suggesting this will bring him back in your life but if he's got any pride and principles, he'll stop feeling sorry for himself and at least give you "something" so you can both move on guilt free.
 
Focus.

(in reply to hiddendesires2)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/18/2007 7:40:47 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: robertolapiedra
Hello again. You assume that I assume? "Doesn't seem to be?" She could post it the way I suggested and we would find out,  right? (assuming she would?)[/qutoe]
She could- but again, this thread alone has more than proven that she will get plenty of varied responses from males, females, all orientations, and multiples perspectives within orientations.

So while she certainly might get even MORE responses if she posted elsewhere, it seems that it was perfectly fine for her to plant it here and a good call in judgement after all.

quote:

In some ways subs are all alike? in others not? Sure, if you want... but I would not say 'extremely', just 'varied' would suffice.

Matter of perspective.

quote:

And some of the the 'varied' containing the sub group I was referring to (experience with reconciling after dom dismissal) may not even subscribe to this forum. Some subs like to give and recieve advice in the sub section and don't give a shit about what a master thinks about sub problems ('varied' contains this group also) this way missing out on the 'sub advice and postings' in the 'master forum'.

Maybe, and that's a risk she took.  Again, looking at the responses she ACTUALLY got, that doesn't seem to be an issue here.  I'm sure plenty of great respondents she COULD get also never post or read in the Sub forum either. 
quote:


Is that ok with you? RL.

Sure, but your attitude is really bad.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to robertolapiedra)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/18/2007 1:15:00 PM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you. RL

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/19/2007 10:32:18 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Obviously the two of you had major problems or you wouldn't have walked. Asking to come back won't solve the problems you had. Spend this time figuring out what went wrong and why, and only after you've done that should you, if you still feel you are a good fit, contact him telling him what you've learned about the past relationship.

At that point ask him out for lunch and talk to him about what you viewed the problems were and ask him for his view of it. But don't do it if you feel it will turn into a blame game.

The relationship wasn't working for either of you or you wouldn't have walked and he wouldn't be refusing to work on it. And that's the bottom line.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/19/2007 1:01:44 PM   
N4SDChastity


Posts: 327
Joined: 2/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I'll also add that reconnected relationships almost never work. The reality is that you can apologize, but what has happened won't go away.



Agree.  I have never had a relationship that failed, regardless of who "released" whom; D/s or Vanilla, that lasted anywhere near half the length of the original relationship...  usually WAY less.  Move on.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/19/2007 9:10:08 PM   
BearsBreech


Posts: 15
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline
A Dom does not leave because of "communication and depression issues." D/s is most meaningful when viewed proximate to marriage and not treated as a flavor of the month.

I am sorry that he ignored you, and you were correct to walk away. But you never had much of a Dom to begin with. D/s is for life.
Bear

(in reply to hiddendesires2)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/19/2007 9:32:16 PM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		You actually think this dominant, this person with whom you have shared 4 intimate years of your life with, is going to want to hear back from you, a submissive, that feels that they have the authority to release them?

Girl... you need to do whatever it is you need to do to get a firm grasp on whatever issues you have going on in your life so that you can get back in touch with how things work in the real world with stable people.

You burnt this bridge....

No, you blew the fucker up!

_____________________________

MstrssPassion


(in reply to hiddendesires2)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/19/2007 9:34:02 PM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		I would have to agree in not contacting him and moving on.   He may contact you when the hurt, confusion and pain diminish.  In situations like this, I always step back and evaluate the relationship.  Give yourself some time.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/19/2007 10:23:50 PM   
MasterFatePgh


Posts: 15
Joined: 12/23/2006
Status: offline 		quote:

ORIGINAL: hiddendesires2

I have been in a D/s relationship for the most part of  4 years. Recently due to  some unprepared for circumstances. I, the sub, released my Dom. I realized almost immediately after, that it was not the answer. I have sent him many phone messges and emails trying to explain myself and have asked for forgiveness. And a chance to start again if he see fits. I have had no response. I'm not sure if he just needs more time as I'm sure he is dealing with pain  or is extremely annoyed that I as a submissive released Him. I don't really think it is that at all. I'm in limbo right now. I need a new beginning or closure so that I can go on. I don't know if I should continue to try and contact him, is this annoying him more or should I just show up and see what happens. Andy feedback would be greatly appreciated.

An interesting thread to read. One opinion seems to be absent. Consider this...He may have been happy that it ended and you chose to leave. I suspect that is why you get no response.
Some people really are strong enough to walk away without even a slight twinge . He isnt going to let you open that can of worms again.

(in reply to corsetgirl)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/19/2007 10:54:20 PM   
TennesseeRain


Posts: 35
Joined: 11/9/2006
Status: offline 		Take this time to think.  Make absolutely sure you do want back into the relationship and this isnt just a "panic" reaction.  Figure out what you have learned from this and how it has changed you from the person that wanted to leave, to the person that wants to stay. Write him one more time and explain it all, including what you have learned.  Ask him to consider allowing you back into his life.  Tell him you respect any decision he makes, and let your actions reflect that respect. Tell him you wont write anymore, but will wait to hear from him, if he desires to contact you. Tell him also that if you dont hear from him, you take that to mean there is no chance to save the relationship. Abide by your words and do not continue to contact him.  This is all you can do.  The choice is his now.  It is true that once trust is broken, it is very hard to get back...but, if the people involved both truly want it to work, they can find a way.  Best of luck to you and remember that no matter what the outcome is, everything happens for a reason.

(in reply to MasterFatePgh)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Some help and advice please. - 5/20/2007 9:11:29 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFatePgh


An interesting thread to read. One opinion seems to be absent. Consider this...He may have been happy that it ended and you chose to leave. I suspect that is why you get no response.
Some people really are strong enough to walk away without even a slight twinge . He isnt going to let you open that can of worms again.



Or, he may be like my Master. When someone walks away from him, they cease to exist for him. He takes their names out of his phone, off of his computer and that's that. It's their decision. He honors that decision. If they want nothing from him anymore then they will get nothing from him anymore.

And true to form, most of the time that this happens, within a few weeks, the girls are writing back. He deletes the messages unread and unanswered. Sometimes, on down the road, he may open one up and read it, but rarely, if ever, does he answer. This has been his way from long long long before I met him. And now and then, when someone comes into our lives now, if it happens, that's the way he handles things now.

The lesson I've learned from all this is to be very VERY sure of what I'm saying and what I mean before I go and open my mouth. In the end, mean what I say and say what I mean. I swear, that's his mantra and over the years, it's become mine. I rather like it. Hard lessons are learned painfully and perhaps for the OP, this is one of those hard lessons painfully learned.

juliet

(in reply to MasterFatePgh)
Profile   Post #: 40
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