No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (Full Version)

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stella40 -> No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/17/2007 6:55:24 PM)

"If you don't insist on a photo and appearance isn't very important then you must be either fat, ugly or desperate."
- read in forum posting on another BDSM website -

The collared sub, the leather-clad bitch, the whip wielding sadistic matriarch, the submissive Adonis, let's face it, these are well-known symbols and images that have been around for ages and have been done bigger and better through time. People want into the BDSM community, they want to look the part, both Dommes and female subs desire to be attractive and men desire attractive Mistresses and submissives. This is how it has always been, or has it?

Beauty, being attractive, symbols and outfits change over time. Is a male submissive without a rubber-clad whip-wielding Mistress really going to shrivel up and die? So why are we in the community so hung up on the symbols and the imagery, the corsets, leather trousers, floggers and boots? Life is too short and we know that finding suitable BDSM partners is a long and time-consuming process. Yet so many seem to be very willing to sit back and waste time, missing out on other decent dommes, whilst waiting for Mistress Perfection to appear.

The same goes for the ladies. A good Master or good male submissive is extremely hard to find. He may have lost his hair, put on weight but maybe he's also found his soul and woken up? Women in the community have it tough. We know this. Transgendered females have it particularly tough, BBW's have it really tough, most women have it tough when everyone is chasing the dangling carrot of ideals of beauty with the right symbols and appearance and fetish clothing.

But isn't there more to life than the physical appearance of a potential Dominant or submissive? If your answer is no, then you are probably still a teenager (well mentally anyway). And anyway, just how close to perfection are you?

Life is short, VERY short. There's no point in wasting precious time on shallow eneavours and getting hung up over all the symbols and imagery in BDSM. Much of BDSM is illusion. It is theatre of two people, maybe more at parties. There is probably an amazing person out there just ready and waiting for you to serve them or aching to submit to you, if only you gave them the chance.

The leather-clad whip-wielding Cruella type Domme, if she really does exist, can easily turn out to be a bad Domme if she has a bad attitude. However the moderately attractive normally dressed lady can make an excellent Mistress if you find she is intelligent and has a warm heart, try taking the time to get to know her.

The image we present and what we wear is important when it comes to making the first impression but it's really only a very small part of the whole picture. Many people in the community, both dominant and submissive, are lonely simply because their appearance doesn't conform to the stereotypes found on the BDSM and fetish websites or they feel they don't attract their 'ideal' Dominant or submissive.

Don't run around with an image or a mental frame trying to fit someone into it. Appreciate the art, then frame it. Get to know the person, then build your theatre. I've been meeting Dommes and others in the community throughout my adult life, and yes, while the floggers and whips and chains and leather look nice, it really doesn't come down to much more than that. I didn't gain my experience from a Mistress because she had a whipping bench or wore a leather corset. I gained my experience from Mistresses who attracted me through what was in their minds and who took the time and trouble to get to know me.

Yes being beautiful and wearing the gear and having the equipment makes you popular and loved, it can also make you hated and despised, and then you have to weed out all the weirdos and perverts.

You already have what is most important and necessary for a successful D/s or BDSM relationship - your mind. Learn to use it to see the good qualities in others.

As Maya Angelou once said," Let someone show you who they really are, and believe them the first time."



mstrjx -> RE: No pic no reply? How important is your image and that of others? (5/17/2007 7:11:31 PM)

I don't post a picture in my profile.  I used to, if not here (which I might have briefly in the beginning) but on another site for a long time.  The reason why I don't is because I work with a bunch of people who do all 'sorts' of things on the Web all day.  While I've never seen anyone get anywhere near 'this' sort of dating site, I've seen where they have found others on AFF.  Better safe than sorry.  Yes, there is suspicion that I live 'some' kind of odd romantic life.  I'm apt to let them think I have relations with K9's, but that's the sort of odd bugger 'I' am.

But back to the point.  Generally, on the rare time I sent out an initial reply to a profile, I would 'do the right thing' and send a picture.  Why?  So a) I'd be less apt to be ignored by those 'no pic no reply' sorts, and b) So they would at least have some sort of clue what my neighbor looks like (KIDDING!).  If physical attraction is that important, get it out of the way first thing.

A couple of months back I was approached in a fairly interesting fashion, yet the email didn't contain a picture (nor the profile).  My interest was piqued enough to send a reply wanting to know more, and in my reply I sent my picture.  I didn't 'specify' that I wanted a picture back, but upon getting a response, sure enough a pic or two were embedded.  (Sneaky that way, I am.)

We live in a world that we at least want to know who we're conversing with (or what we're getting ourselves into, or somesuch).  I don't think that's such a bad thing.

Jeff



mythi -> RE: No pic no reply? How important is your image and that of others? (5/17/2007 7:36:03 PM)

I had enough mail coming in without a pic, and even the quality of that was fair to middlin' for the most part.  With a pic I can only imagine the horrors. [:o]

For me, omitting an online pic when I'm available/looking is just one more way I weed out the shallow types.  Tho now that I'm off the market I might just post one someday...who knows.

('woofs at Master')



juliaoceania -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/17/2007 7:59:54 PM)

I was hesitant about replying to men that refused to post pics of themselves on their profile. Not all the time, but it was a bit of a red flag. I tended to think perhaps they maybe married, and I filed that away with other indicators of such. Married men frequent not only adult sites, but other vanilla sites as well. I heard one estimate as high as 1/3 of men on dating sites were married and sneaking around.... so no profile pic was not a deal breaker if other things were tasty seeming on the profile, but it was not a good sign when one was not present too.



kittensmailbox -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/17/2007 8:05:10 PM)

OK, I'll be the honest one here... i want a photo... if i don't think a person is attractive, why waste ether one of ours time... Of course i have style and class, i am not going to come out and say that they are ugly and be rude.... 



DiurnalVampire -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/17/2007 8:06:10 PM)

I dont just want a pic, I want a face pic. I want to know who I am talking to. I dont want to know how they are built, I dont care how they are hung. I want to have a face to put to a name, since that confirms a sense of reality for me.  What I find attractive has a lot more to do with personality than it does looks. I dont necessarily want someone who is traditionaly attractive. I do, however, need to find someone apealling.

DV



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/17/2007 8:12:36 PM)

Nicely written Stella...Although I doubt it will get through to those of a shallow nature.But in the scheme of things, many cannot overcome their preferences, we all have them and many may not be based upon the visual aspects.Sometimes to my mind those that have a rather rigid list in their minds will be the ones that go down that lonely road, bypassing what could of been the one they have sought the world over because they simply did not live up to their possibly unrealistic ideal of what they THINK is right for them....sad actually..Tempting



Dvoratrelunda -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/17/2007 8:23:14 PM)

Quite inspirational Stella.
I wish more people had that as their ideal. It's about the personality, not the face.

Thank you for posting this.



subsong -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/17/2007 8:34:10 PM)

  For me ,  seeing a face early on , can help prevent time wasted for all concerned .   While I certainly have other important factors in mind -  I do need to be attracted to a person on a certain level ,  to be able to get into the mindset to submit to them .   Ultimately though ,   that can only be truly determined in person .   [;)]



MamaDomme -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/17/2007 8:40:37 PM)

Wonderful post Stella~~~

I do ask for a face pic straight away.  Not to judge anyone, merely to put a face to the name.  I have never been one to judge another's appearance.  Fabulous people come in all shapes, sizes, genders and races.  I look at the mind, heart and soul of a person and decide whether or not we have enough similar interests to pursue a relationship.



MellowSir -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/17/2007 8:42:39 PM)

Well as noble as the reasons we all profess in seeking a partner, physical attraction must also be present for most, including myself.  Males tend be more visual in that regard as well.....plus in cyberspace you want to be a bit more sure of someone's sincerity, especially if it turns to r/t. Certainly a  headshot at least is simple enough to get online.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/17/2007 8:46:32 PM)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_705126/mpage_1/key_picture/tm.htm#705136
What is with the "picture" deal?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_662704/mpage_2/key_picture/tm.htm#662887
How important is a picture or appearance

http://www.collarchat.com/m_229245/mpage_1/key_picture/tm.htm#229308
picture or no picture in profile

Profile Pictures

Words or pictures?

Pictures in profiles...does a slave care?

Pictures



slaverosebeauty -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/17/2007 8:47:06 PM)

I have looked for a partner/lover/husband/boyfriend/master whatever you wanna call him, on over 5 sites in the last 5 months, and yes, I do have that 'rule' for lack of a better word. If you don't have a picture posted and you want to converse, either inclose one to me privately, or post one, if you won't do that, exit stage left. Why? Becuase you who with whom YOU are convercing, I would like the same curtosy. I have pictures up of me, I don't hide my appearance; like most I use screenname or stage name for my family's sake especailly that of my child's saftey. Since I don't give very detailed specifics as to where I live, and since Fresno has about 500,000 + people, I am relativly safe.

I will be honest, I am a bit shallow, who isn't? I have been told before that the reason someone contacted me was because they found me attractive, well, like others, I am looking for someone that I am physically attracted too, it has its place, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, etc all play a part as well, most if it is based on who that person is, not their appearance, but, it does help.

The man I am seeing, did have a few pics up on the site we met on, I thought he was 'cute,' then I saw the magizine he was in and I thought "Very Handsome" and in person, "DAMN" {even after a logn day and no shower I still thought that way}, wonder what I will think after I actually get to see him one-on-one this weekend without being interupted because of boat or race 'stuff.' I was attracted to this man before I had a decent picture of him, and now, after all the phone calls and after the emails and after seeing him a few weeks ago, yes, I am MORE attracted to him now than I was before, his appearance played a part.

If he didn't have a picture on his profile and would not send one upon request, do I think things would be as far as they are now, I don't know. I would have read his profile {like I do regardless of a pic or not} and if 'something' was there, then I would have responded and things would have progressed as they were/are meant too.

Not having a pciture at least avaliable upon request in this age is a major copout not to mention it sends up a LOT of red flags for me. If I hear the 'its because of my job' bs line one more time, I will go postal, its an excuse and a bad one at that. I'm not saying you have to post a pic on your page, I am just saying, have the curtosy to send one upon request, mark it if you are paranoid.

My girl friends an I talked baout this last night; a man want someone {in my experince} who looks good on his arm {unless he is insecure, in which case he wants someone who is 'less attractive' by whatever standard} and I want someone who is handsome.

Ok. I have rambeled enough.



marieToo -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/17/2007 8:47:36 PM)

I personally don't think looks are the most important thing when it comes to feeling 'attracted' to someone.  I will talk to someone a few times without knowing what they look like, But then if it seems there is reason to continue on, usually one or the other breaks the ice about asking for a photo.  It does help to at least satisfy curiosity.  And yes, I do like to see that I don't feel repulsed by the person.  While I am not particularly fussy about physical features, there are just certain "looks" that I find it hard to get past.  Im sure some would feel the same about me, tho I've never run into one yet.  :)



HutchGarahl -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/17/2007 9:04:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40
"If you don't insist on a photo and appearance isn't very important then you must be either fat, ugly or desperate."

 
 Yea, i'm fat...so? Wouldn't really call myself ugly, but I ain't pretty either...guess i'm average and definately not desperate. With that said...I don't insist on a picture immediately. I would much rather converse with a person first, to sort of get a feel for them through talking. Words people use can say a lot about them if you know how to read words. It's only when I decide to actually meet a person is when I ask for a picture. I want a face to whom i've been talking to and for when the meet finally happens.
 
As far as attire goes...I don't do the high heel boots, leather and all that. Jeans, Muscle t's and biker boots. If a person can't accept me for who I am...who needs them. I'm not gonna dress in a style I don't care for to get someone.



domiguy -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/17/2007 9:19:25 PM)

I guess it was a nice post but for the majority of the people that I know it does not begin to hold much element of truth....This is a unique medium to meet someone especially if you utilize the forums...You get a sense of how someone thinks, where some of their interests lie and you can sometimes catch a glimpse of someone you might like to have the opportunity to meet.   Other than that a meeting is mandatory to see if their is any physical sense of attraction.

I am particular about whom I date as are many of the people I know...Women who like a guy of a certain height and build...Or men who prefer a women with a certain body type, or brunettes or a gal with a nice ass or big tits etc......No one is looking for a super model but the majority do have certain expectations that need to be met in order to pursue a relationship.  I wouldn't  consider any of these people to be lonely and just because they have a preference as to physical appearance and that they have managed to keep their standards in place they have remarkably been able to find some very cool and interesting, thoughtful and intelligent people to get busy with.

A tad bit superficial possibly...Honest, absoloutely.  Most folks I know would hate to be around anyone who thinks based upon their personal appearance that it allows any type of arrogance...But I think to reject personal appearance and the notion of physical and animal magnetism is rather ridiculous....It is just too difficult to fuck a woman's soul in the ass.



LafayetteLady -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/17/2007 9:21:40 PM)

I don't post a picture in my profile and I don't intend to start.  This is, after all, a lifestyle not all of us want to take a risk of broadcasting to any fool who starts randomly searching the net.

Is physical attraction important?  Of course it is.  But can someone who might be considered "average" become more attractive after speaking with them for some time.  You bet they can.  Likewise, when you receive a picture immediately and the person is very attractive, I have found more often than not that I am more disappointed when they inevitably turn out to be a complete jerk.  It is risky either way in my opinion.

I have been told that I am a very attractive woman.  I would prefer that someone want to know more about me initially than my dress and bra size.  Likewise, I would like to know more about my potential partner than his penis size.



Copulo -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/18/2007 1:15:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I guess it was a nice post but for the majority of the people that I know it does not begin to hold much element of truth....This is a unique medium to meet someone especially if you utilize the forums...You get a sense of how someone thinks, where some of their interests lie and you can sometimes catch a glimpse of someone you might like to have the opportunity to meet.   Other than that a meeting is mandatory to see if their is any physical sense of attraction.



I agree with this. Physical attraction is the final clinch on weather we want to move forward or not. They don’t have to be the most handsome of folk but there has to be visual chemistry to a degree.

It doesn’t worry me if there isn’t a picture on a profile. I just accept that some people need to be more private than others and so long as they can send you a facial shot by messenger or email, then that’s fine.

I honestly don’t believe that all these pictures are genuine anyway. Someone recently sent me a picture and told me she had the picture taken in her own back yard with her camera phone. The picture was suspiciously good, too good and so I asked my friend, a professional photographer to take a look at it. He gave me all the spiel about the particular lens needed to take such a shot and that it was obviously a very good professional photo. I asked if she could take another pic with her phone and send it over to me but I have not heard from her since!

Until I see someone in the flesh then I don’t take a great deal of notice of a picture.




WeyrlingMaster -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/18/2007 1:27:34 AM)

Well, having read all of the above it's obvious that W/we are a diverse bunch.  My pic is there for all to see.  I have no hangups about who see's it and I dont hide who or what I am in any way, shape or form. 

I prefer BBW's by and large (no pun intended) but frankly I am more interested in the person.  I tend to be too honest most of the time about Myself so this mean that I am unsuccessful in finding a sub/slave.  No matter. At some point I will be lucky and find someone who is not so narrow minded and can accept Me for what I am.  I try not to judge people but given the number of people who say that they are poly or looking for Dom/Domme couples it seem very odd how they engage warp engines in reverse.

I f I seem bitter I'm not, but there are many fakes and players around and it does wear Me down somewhat.



swtnsparkling -> RE: No pic no reply? What do you really look for in others? (5/18/2007 3:02:52 AM)

quote:

 stella40
"If you don't insist on a photo and appearance isn't very important then you must be either fat, ugly or desperate."

Now stella that's not a very  nice thing to say. Appearance isn't important to me. I don't need a picture to decide if I can be friends with some one. If I receive a email  and for some reason it peeks my interest I'll write back. After a few mails I'll decide if they will stop or perhaps  there is a good chance of a friendship forming- just like the one I've had now over a year.




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