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Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 11:22:10 AM

MistressNoName

Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
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I wasn't quite sure where to post this. And it's just a rant anyway, that has been ranted on before, ad infinitum. It certainly is not worth many pages, and it's just my issue that I have to work out someway, but here goes: It simply continues to amaze me how very many men I get writing to me, in one type of committed vanilla relationship or other, who feel the need to justify the fact that they are cheating on their wives/girlfriends. I got this when I was subbing and I'm getting it even more now that I am topping. It's just amazing to me...I guess I'm hoping to figure out why this amazes me so. Can anyone else relate to this at all?

Oh, btw, I'm not seeking advice on how to deal with these special people. I've pretty much got my response down pat...and of course, I know all about "Invoking the Great Goddess Ignora via the Blessed Block Feature." Just wondering what others think/feel about this. And for clarity, in this context, I'm defining cheating as someone who is seeking sexual gratification, bdsm play outside of their committed monogamous, usually vanilla relationship without express knowledge and support from their partner.

MNN

Post #: 1

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 11:26:15 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

*shrug* If they are cheating, it means there are just as many women out there willing to engage in it as well.

We're very afraid in life, afraid to be honest, afraid to lose something. So we learn to hide. We convince ourselves it's better in the end.

It isn't. But fear is powerful.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MistressNoName)

Post #: 2

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 11:28:06 AM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

For whatever it's worth, it happens on the other side of the fence as well. I get approached by women who are desperate for a D/s dynamic but don't chose to end their current relationship. Tell you what, I appreciate the ones who tell me that up front.

I have been suckered twice and had a RL relationship before I figured out they were married. I'm a little slow--it took like the 10th time I could never go to her house, and she was always willing to drive to see me, the 100th time before I noticed if I called between 6pm and 10pm she never answered her phone, etc.

I just want to point out that while I have no idea if there is a gender issue involved here, whether or not there is a preponderance of men who cheat, it is defintely something both gendes do.

(in reply to MistressNoName)

Post #: 3

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 11:30:12 AM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

Good morning faramir..did ya have a good sleep?

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 4

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 11:32:02 AM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

Ya know....ya all can stand in judgemnt of these peeps...but have you looked in your own back yard to clean up your shit before you try to pick the shit from their back yard?

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 5

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 11:36:53 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

I think you need to look into what it is about you and your profiles that keeps attracting these men and change it. Then you'll have nothing you'll need to rant about.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to MistressNoName)

Post #: 6

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 11:38:27 AM

justplainjava

Posts: 173
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline

Greetings
i am going to be honset
i am adultress, i was marriend to the same man for 28 years, we live happily with my two kids, that lasted until we move to what i call the land of the lost (idaho) or better known as I dont know, while living unhappy there ( ps i am stuck in this hell once again) i cheated on him and our marriage ended not because of anything he did but because i could not forgive myself, and i still carry the pain and shame at least in my head and heart
so like someone said look into your own mind soul, and being, and like the good book states only cast the first stone if you are blameless, for i can not cast that first stone on so many leavels
take care and be safe
plain old java property to no one

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 7

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 11:39:42 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shyinini
Ya know....ya all can stand in judgemnt of these peeps...but have you looked in your own back yard to clean up your shit before you try to pick the shit from their back yard?

*shrug* I'm very open about being a cheater in the past. I laid out every excuse in the book.

With the exception of someone having a terminal illness or a mentally debilitating disease leaving them bedridden, I haven't seen any which lead me to think it's the right and good choice.

It's wrong, it's selfish, it's fear, nor is it informed consent.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 8

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 11:40:50 AM

moki1984

Posts: 274
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

*shrug* If they are cheating, it means there are just as many women out there willing to engage in it as well.

We're very afraid in life, afraid to be honest, afraid to lose something. So we learn to hide. We convince ourselves it's better in the end.

It isn't. But fear is powerful.

I think that puts it very clearly. Are any of these people honest with their signifigant other about this side of them? I see nothing wrong with it if they are open with their wife/girlfriend about their needs and what they are doing....i suppose due to my situation being like that but flipped in the aspect I am the wife who has bdsm play outside of my vanilla marrigae I can understand that paticular situation. If it is all hidden and they wont talk to their partner....then thats different. Just how people are

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 9

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 11:52:29 AM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

I think you need to look into what it is about you and your profiles that keeps attracting these men and change it. Then you'll have nothing you'll need to rant about.

Well that's just stupid....

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 10

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 11:56:48 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shyinini

Ya know....ya all can stand in judgemnt of these peeps...but have you looked in your own back yard to clean up your shit before you try to pick the shit from their back yard?

You know, like L.A., I too have been honest about the fact that what I did before the end of my marriage was considered cheating by my partner...though I did not at the time. I went through the therapy and the counseling and yeah...I got it that I had cheated and that there were many more choices to me than the one I made. My biggest problem and most-hated hurdle was the fact that I knew that going in to the counseling.

Like it or not...we all make judgments. And we all have opinions. Sometimes, the judgments are seen as opinions and sometimes the opinions are seen as judgments. And sometimes, those judgments and opinions come about due to our own bad experiences with the subject in question (some of us have cheated, knowing it was wrong but finding a way to justify it and then, in the end realizing your own judgment and ideas and thoughts about it were wrong) and sometimes they come about from no experience but plenty of lessons taught about the subject in question (most of us do not have to commit murder to be able to make the judgment or be of the opinion that it is wrong). It is human nature to do so and, to be honest, I will maintain my judgments about certain things. That doesn't make me a hypocrite...a hypocrite would be one who continues to do the wrong act while telling you how wrong it is for you. It doesn't make me non-understanding...I know the frustrations and the tensions and the desperation that can lead to certain acts. I understand them. But the choice to commit those acts...when other, more correct choices are available...is still the wrong choice and I reserve my right to say so. And saying so doesn't mean I have to be perfect in my own life. It just means that I stand ready to accept my own..or someone else's...calling of me on my own bad behavior, whether I like their calling of it or not.

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 5/18/2007 11:59:13 AM >

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 11

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 12:02:00 PM

MistressNoName

Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

I think you need to look into what it is about you and your profiles that keeps attracting these men and change it. Then you'll have nothing you'll need to rant about.

I know exactly what it is about my profile that keeps attracting these men, they tell me all the time. They are attracted to the strength in myself that is projected there. They are attracted to the type of Mistress that is portrayed there. And since I want very much to project who I am as I person, and I believe at this point in my development my latest profile seems to reflect that best, I have no intention of changing that. I certainly hope you did not take my rant to mean that I only get responses from married men. Certainly not. As I stated, it's only a rant and an issue I am trying to work out within me and I am simply seeking the opinions of others who can relate to where I am coming from.

But thanx for you pov.

MNN

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 12

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 12:03:00 PM

N4SDChastity

Posts: 327
Joined: 2/27/2006
Status: offline

The universe God has created does a marvelous job, I have learned over the years, of repaying in kind, that which we put into it. If they who seek to cheat share nothing but deceit, then deceit shall be the coin they are repaid in.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 13

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 12:10:32 PM

MistressNoName

Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Faramir

For whatever it's worth, it happens on the other side of the fence as well. I get approached by women who are desperate for a D/s dynamic but don't chose to end their current relationship. Tell you what, I appreciate the ones who tell me that up front.

I have been suckered twice and had a RL relationship before I figured out they were married. I'm a little slow--it took like the 10th time I could never go to her house, and she was always willing to drive to see me, the 100th time before I noticed if I called between 6pm and 10pm she never answered her phone, etc.

I just want to point out that while I have no idea if there is a gender issue involved here, whether or not there is a preponderance of men who cheat, it is defintely something both gendes do.

Hey Faramir,

Yes, your point is very well taken. I had considered qualifying my rant to reflect this but decided against it because, well, it's just really my issue...I am seeking male submissives and I am trying to understand something about the way some of them think and what their motivations might be. But, perhaps it does not help to focus on one gender.

Thank you for your insight.

MNN

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 14

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 12:13:18 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: N4SDChastity

The universe God has created does a marvelous job, I have learned over the years, of repaying in kind, that which we put into it. If they who seek to cheat share nothing but deceit, then deceit shall be the coin they are repaid in.

Exactly.

I am always thinking "If she can cheat on him/her/it, what is stopping her from cheating on me?"

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to N4SDChastity)

Post #: 15

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 12:14:21 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

It's been a while back, but through word-of-mouth I used to get requests from Dom's (who oftentimes I didn't know) to 'play' with their subs. Sometimes with them, sometimes just the sub and I. Never sexual in nature, at least not for me.

I never asked too specifically, but I get the feeling that in each case I was topping a married woman (well, more than one), presumably without her husband's knowledge, and also pretty certain that the Dom(s) involved were also married men.

Detachable partners seem to be convenient if they are in relatively detachable relationships to begin with. It tends to be a problem with one partner is single 'wishing' the other wasn't.

Aside from the complicitous portion of my involvement (I was being USED, I swear), this type of scenario would not work for me. I personally don't condone people hiding relationships from otherwise-primary relationships.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to MistressNoName)

Post #: 16

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 12:15:00 PM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shyinini

Good morning faramir..did ya have a good sleep?

Why yes thank you

I appreciate your concern for my well-being!

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 17

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 12:21:07 PM

MistressNoName

Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shyinini

Ya know....ya all can stand in judgemnt of these peeps...but have you looked in your own back yard to clean up your shit before you try to pick the shit from their back yard?

shyinini,

I'm not trying to cast any stones at anyone...unless of course it's part of a well-negotiated scene...even then, I'd have a hard time imagining it. More likely my language usage may have been a bit unfortunate. So, I apologize if I put forth an unclear message or the wrong idea. I'm trying to understand the behavior of cheating and the attempt at justification that accompanies it. Why I'm trying to understand this, I don't fully know. Just something in my mind, even my heart is trying to get settled on this issue, because it's just bothering me at the moment. Probably in a day or so, it'll blow over.

Hope that helps to clarify.

MNN

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 18

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 12:56:38 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

MistressNoName, there's nothing wrong with wondering about it. I definitely relate to your questions and have the same trend within My own mailbox.

Personally, I do think there is something specific in My profile that attracts the type. That's the fact that I am married. They tend to get a surprise when they hear that I am adamently opposed to taking anyone who is currently involved in a relationship. I have no use for anyone who is doing something behind someone's back. If they are poly or have an open marriage, I have no problem with that, but I want to meet the SO and get confirmation of this. Since I can live up to the same standard, I don't see it as a problem.

And for clarity, in this context, I'm defining cheating as someone who is seeking sexual gratification, bdsm play outside of their committed monogamous, usually vanilla relationship without express knowledge and support from their partner

It's usually that last part that makes the biggest difference to Me. It isn't the fact that it's something they are seeking outside of the relationship, it's the fact they are being deceptive and dishonest about it.

Ya know....ya all can stand in judgemnt of these peeps...

Actually, yes, you can. Is it so odd to think that a little character assessment might come in useful in this realm? From My perspective, BDSM has a lot of basis on trust. How much can you trust a dishonest person?

(in reply to MistressNoName)

Post #: 19

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 1:01:53 PM

NakedGirlScout

Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline

I think that cheating is cheating, even in other aspects like hiding financial problems from your spouse or anything in general that you hide because you know they won't like it. Yes I have cheated in my life so I damn myself along with the rest, there was no reason for me to not have been honest and it was a cowardly act.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 20

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