Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (Full Version)

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addicted2it -> Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 11:40:39 AM)

It is very rare that a Femdomme and a submissive's or slave's particular interests (fantasies and fetishes) are EXACTLY the same.  While I would like to believe that two people can have exactly the same interests, I really cannot except this concept, only because each one of us has had a different life experiences that make up and contribute to who and what we are.  These are the triggers or learned behaviors that enable us to paint those highly-erotic mental pictures.  Most of us want to "live out" these dramatic scenarios, but only if it is pleasing and acceptable to the other.

These are my questions:
  • When a Femdomme advertises for a submissive or slave, she almost always has a specific list of requirements and interests.  But in reality, and in dealing with many on different levels, do you find that who you pick is willing to go along with everything, even though they initially say that they are?
  • If he or she is unwilling to comply, and for whatever reason he or she gives, is there room for negotiation?
  • And, if you do have a problem of this kind, how do you handle it?
(I realize that these are very specific questions, but I would very much appreciate hearing how everyone responds.)

Thank you.






MistressDoMe -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 11:47:05 AM)

It takes me a long, long, time to become involved with new people.
I iron out our differences before we become seriously involved.
Weeding out those that are not compatible just levels the playing field.
When they are weeded out, normally only 1 or 2 are left standing.
If I get 100 emails, I might consider 1 person seriously.
This is the law of natural selection at its best.



addicted2it -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 11:55:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDoMe

It takes me a long, long, time to become involved with new people.
I iron out our differences before we become seriously involved.
Weeding out those that are not compatible just levels the playing field.
When they are weeded out, normally only 1 or 2 are left standing.
If I get 100 emails, I might consider 1 person seriously.
This is the law of natural selection at its best.


But does this work or play out exactly as you had planned, or are there still problems when you actually become involved in the relationship?



JpnsTigerrrlily -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 12:04:11 PM)

When a Femdomme advertises for a submissive or slave, she almost always has a specific list of requirements and interests.  But in reality, and in dealing with many on different levels, do you find that who you pick is willing to go along with everything, even though they initially say that they are?
 
I have things that I like and desire, but it is most important that someone is open to trying things. I also choose someone that is somewhat self aware and is wiling and able to communicate what they are feeling/thinking, etc.
 
If he or she is unwilling to comply, and for whatever reason he or she gives, is there room for negotiation?
 
It depends what "it" is. We'd talk and discuss things and see if there is enough common ground to continue, but if their wants/needs are completely different from mine then it probably wouldn't be a good match anyway. There's normally not ONE thing that makes me walk away, it's usually a culimination of lots of things.
 
  • And, if you do have a problem of this kind, how do you handle it?
     
    Lots and LOTS of talking.
     



    • MistressDoMe -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 12:08:20 PM)

    No relationship is perfect, but the more we have in common, the longer it will last.
    Why would a non-professional Dominant want to be involved with a submissive, that
    is not submissive to her?
    I do not seek a bottom, I seek a submissive.



    DrkJourney -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 12:14:10 PM)

    As I put in another post, I do have a document...not a list....that states what kind of relationship that I am looking for and some interests, limits, etc.

    I use it for a few reasons:

    so I don't forget anything (I do have shiney object syndrome sometimes..lol)

    to get, hopefully, a like response from the person I am talking to.  It drives me insane when I ask about what kind of relationship they are interested in, limits, etc...and I get the "flower" language instead of an answer...i.e.  he goes on and on about the slave role and the Dominant role, and how women are number one and men are born to serve...yadda yadda yadda....geez

    mainly I use it to open up a dialogue.....

    Although I have this written, it's not written in stone....I am flexible on some things....as he should be as well.  I'm talking little methods here and there.  If someone lives for example feminization...I don't expect them to give that up...I expect them to find someone that is into that.

    I don't want someone to totally conform to me...but I believe both parties have to be flexible

    ok...ramblings over...lol



    MsKatHouston -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 12:19:13 PM)

    quote:

    When a Femdomme advertises for a submissive or slave, she almost always has a specific list of requirements and interests.  But in reality, and in dealing with many on different levels, do you find that who you pick is willing to go along with everything, even though they initially say that they are?

     
    Yes.  If someone says they are willing to go along with everything, it will only take a short amount of time for that to be proven.  I am extremely picky.  I know what I want and am unwilling to compromise on much.  Therefore when I do get into a serious relationship it is one that is very compatible.
     
    quote:

    If he or she is unwilling to comply, and for whatever reason he or she gives, is there room for negotiation?


    It depends on what it is they are unwilling to comply with.  I suppose the fast answer is yes, there is room for negotiation but the reality of it is that there's not much room.  I make clear distinctions in communication and even in my top level profile about what is and is not a deal breaker.  If it is something I am ambivalent about but was in the mood for and they balked, I can probably deal.  If it was something extremely important to me, it won't work.
     
    quote:

    And, if you do have a problem of this kind, how do you handle it?

     
    An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  I try to get as much out of the way before getting serious to avoid such issues.  But, if it is a particular scenario and there is an investment, I would discuss it at length.  I would figure out why there was a problem and what we can both do to either accept it or overcome it.



    LadyPact -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 12:29:07 PM)

    Actually, if I find someone who matches 80%, I feel like there's something to work with.  I think it is almost impossible to think that there would be such a thing as a perfect match. 
     
    Some things on My list are more important than others.  For example, I have a huge hair fetish.  I'm not willing to give that one up, so anyone bald won't fit.  Face slapping is also on My list, but I've taken boys for who it is a hard limit.  It's not as big of a deal to Me.
     
    Negotiation should happen before they are My submissive.  I do a lot of talking to see how compatible we are before we get to that point.  I usually want a general idea of how we match up front.  Otherwise, we're just wasting each other's time.
     
    If problems come up once we are involved, there's communication.  I would rather we talk it out than it become an issue.



    addicted2it -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 12:51:00 PM)

    quote:

    ORIGINAL: MistressDoMe

    No relationship is perfect, but the more we have in common, the longer it will last.


    Granted.

    quote:

    Why would a non-professional Dominant want to be involved with a submissive, that is not submissive to her?


    In posting this topic, I made no distinction between professional and non-professional.

    quote:

    I do not seek a bottom, I seek a submissive.


    I would hate to get involved in a debate about the difference between "domming" and "topping," but when I wrote this I assumed that we were talking primarily about subbing, and not simply about power exchange.



    MistressDoMe -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 12:56:35 PM)

    I agree addicted2it, I do not seek submissives that tend to only submit to what they like
    and enjoy.
    If it is to much of a burden to submit to my agenda, they need not be with me.
    Simple as that.



    addicted2it -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 1:02:00 PM)

    quote:

    ORIGINAL: MistressDoMe

    I agree addicted2it, I do not seek submissives that tend to only submit to what they like
    and enjoy.  If it is to much of a burden to submit to my agenda, they need not be with me.
    Simple as that.


    Oh, I think what you say is perfectly legitimate.  And it would be misrepresentation for a sub to agree to the rules and then back out.  But, as you probably know, in the real world, people will promise all kinds of things that they cannot deliver.



    MistressDoMe -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 1:03:50 PM)

    That is why I go into relationships very slowly.



    MsKatHouston -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 1:06:47 PM)

    quote:

    But, as you probably know, in the real world, people will promise all kinds of things that they cannot deliver.


    and that's also why following through and consistency is so important.



    addicted2it -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 1:08:18 PM)

    quote:

    ORIGINAL: JpnsTigerrrlily

    When a Femdomme advertises for a submissive or slave, she almost always has a specific list of requirements and interests.  But in reality, and in dealing with many on different levels, do you find that who you pick is willing to go along with everything, even though they initially say that they are?
     
    I have things that I like and desire, but it is most important that someone is open to trying things. I also choose someone that is somewhat self aware and is wiling and able to communicate what they are feeling/thinking, etc.
     
    If he or she is unwilling to comply, and for whatever reason he or she gives, is there room for negotiation?
     
    It depends what "it" is. We'd talk and discuss things and see if there is enough common ground to continue, but if their wants/needs are completely different from mine then it probably wouldn't be a good match anyway. There's normally not ONE thing that makes me walk away, it's usually a culimination of lots of things.
     
  • And, if you do have a problem of this kind, how do you handle it?

    Lots and LOTS of talking


    • Of course there are many things to consider, and not only specifically one thing, but I am glad to hear that the way you handle this is by being willing to at least talk about it.  And, of course, the key to any successful relationship is open and honest dialog.



    LightHeartedMaam -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 1:12:44 PM)

    I never expect automatic compliance.  What I do is, explain why I liked or did not like something.  You have to know yourself quite well.

    I make it a point that , for me,  a submissive's ultimate submission, is what I TELL him it is.  If he just can't be happy with my rules and expectations, then I just pass him by.  I do not exist to please a submissive.  WE exist to please each other.



    addicted2it -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 1:13:09 PM)

    quote:

    ORIGINAL: MistressDoMe

    That is why I go into relationships very slowly.


    And that's a very good practice.  I think that the wisdom to take things slow with regard to relationships is not always acquired until one has the life experience and the wisdom to adopt this very important principle. 





    earthycouple -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 2:54:21 PM)

    • When a Femdomme advertises for a submissive or slave, she almost always has a specific list of requirements and interests.  But in reality, and in dealing with many on different levels, do you find that who you pick is willing to go along with everything, even though they initially say that they are?

    I have met tons of people (much to my chagrin) and those I liked I would work with, those I didn't hit the door.  Everyone has to have a level of compromise when dealing with me, since I have a level of compromise in me.
    • If he or she is unwilling to comply, and for whatever reason he or she gives, is there room for negotiation?  

    See above statement.
    • And, if you do have a problem of this kind, how do you handle it?

    If he's worth it, I work it out.  I'm not an uber bitch who is too stupid to realize that life requires compromise.  If he's not worth it, I don't bother...ANYONE worth having is worth working for....bdsm or otherwise. 



    Kitte9 -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 7:22:48 PM)

    quote:

    ANYONE worth having is worth working for....bdsm or otherwise. 


    I just had to say how much I liked hearing that. Thank you.



    MistressDoMe -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 7:27:28 PM)

    I totally agree with that.
    Any submissive worth having, will work to get and please his Mistress.



    DiurnalVampire -> RE: Femmedommes, how do your new subs deal with your specific requirements? (5/20/2007 7:45:11 PM)

    quote:

    ORIGINAL: addicted2it

    • When a Femdomme advertises for a submissive or slave, she almost always has a specific list of requirements and interests.  But in reality, and in dealing with many on different levels, do you find that who you pick is willing to go along with everything, even though they initially say that they are?

    I do not have a set list of requirements. I foudn that it made the search to difficult. I require anyone who I might be with to experiment, and I wont accept someone if they are not willing to at least try what I want to do. Whether or not everything works well for every boy, we try it. What works wel we keep, what doesnt we usually dont do again. Since I tend to work with newcomers or novices, I expect tat some things they might have thought they would like they wind up to hate, and vice versa.
    quote:
    • If he or she is unwilling to comply, and for whatever reason he or she gives, is there room for negotiation?

    That very much depends on the reason they give. If it is a realistic reason, then negotiation is fine.  If they are being wilfull and dont want to do something simply becasue they didnt have enough fun with it, then no, thats not going to cut it with me.
    quote:
    • And, if you do have a problem of this kind, how do you handle it?

    We talk. If the problem cannot be taken care of, and they cannot do as I ask within reason, then we are not a match.
     
    DV



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