D/s and Death (Full Version)

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TemptingNviceSub -> D/s and Death (5/20/2007 1:19:28 PM)

I was thinking a few nights back upon my parents, and the absolute devastation that I will undergo when they pass on. Then I began to wonder how others in a D/s relationship handled such..Did the relationship help them through this hard time? And if so how? What does the D do when his/her submissive is in such a turmoil? Does he/she keep to the prescribed dynamic without wavering? Possibly for a sense of stability in a time of instability?..Or does one put all on hold and wait for the storm to pass?.Have any here experienced this, on either side of the slash ,and how was it handled?.......Tempting



julietsierra -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 1:26:09 PM)

We've had that experience here last year. It wasn't either of my parents. What happened here is that I simply waited. I was where he needed me to be when he needed me to be there - whether for a phone call, a dinner, or whatever. I didn't ever stop treating him as my Master. I never broke with the status of the relationship we had. I did leave him room to decide how he wanted to be.

When he was ready, we picked up where we left off in the manner in which he wanted to do that.

This year, was the first anniversary. I didn't see him for a few days. I didn't push. I didn't ask where he'd been. I simply waited.

Life is hard sometimes. He didn't need me to make it harder for him.

juliet



fadedlace -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 1:29:09 PM)

When my father died, my Dominant was there to hold me through it all, let me cry, and he asked little of me - he knew I couldn't do much for him at that time.  When my mother died recently, he was no longer my Dominant, but he still was a friend and there for me to lean on and help me through my grief. 
That's all I can say, what happened with me...I don't know if it helps or not...



ToysAndTies -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 1:31:00 PM)

I would think that a D would not ignore the pain that his submissive would be going through for such a loss, and, taking care of his sub in the way he or she needs, would help her recover, rather than repress the anguish.



Level -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 1:34:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

Life is hard sometimes. He didn't need me to make it harder for him.

juliet


I bet he's proud of you, juliet. And grateful. Very well said.
 
tempting, good thread, one that provokes a lot of thought.



spanklette -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 1:41:30 PM)

Well, it wasn't exactly a death, but I was devastated. Daddy was everything I could have asked for. He gave me space when I needed it and closeness when I needed it. He kept my needs met while struggling with keeping the D/s dynamic alive without smothering me with it. It was a difficult time for both of us, but it was a trial by fire, I suppose. We came out the other side better fit for our roles, I think.
 
This situation might have turned out differently if we were not romantically involved. If the D/s dynamic was all that held us together, I'm not sure we would have made it through. Maybe we would have, but we had other resources to pull from.



slavejali -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 1:49:15 PM)

In the space of a year, I had my mother, father and husband die. I met Master about 2 weeks after my husbands death. After that, even my much loved dog died. Suffice to say, when Master met me and in the ensuing years I was pretty caught up in grief. Realistically I could say, its only in the last 6 months where I have been feeling released from my grief and thats 4 years down the track. Yet even now I have days where I'm just really really sad, particularly around the time of the anniversary of my late husbands death.

Master has never pandered to my grief or emotional states, its not that he has been uncaring, but he has from the beginning kept the D/s dynamic in tact, he has refocused my attention on him when I've gotten emotional, our Master/slave relationship has been like a life raft to me in dealing with grief, it is that which I can turn to when I have been totally overwhelmed.



adoracat -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 3:55:15 PM)

two years ago december past, my first Master passed away.    the following february, my LordFallcon contacted me again after some 8 months of silence...we were friends only, then.  he held my hand via email and helped me pull myself back together again, then relocated to be with me.

last spring he became ill.  last fall, he was diagnosed with cancer, and a week after the 2 year anniversary of james passing away, my LordFallcon died.  we had enough time to say the things needed to be said, and he made me PROMISE that i wouldnt do what i had been doing after james died, and grieve myself to death.

so i began talking to people again, and met some gentlemen from collarme, and finally ended up with Sir.  i'm both happy and content with him.....but i still grieve for james and for fal. 

kitten, who has never replaced one person with another, but still continues to love.



liljoy -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 4:01:35 PM)

While not a parent. Last friday i lost my aunt whom i was very close to. Master couldn't be here to hold me as we are still long distance but He was on the phone with me often. if i went for longer than He thought was good He called me.
i can't say that we talked anymore during the day of or the days after her death though because we really spend a lot of time on the phone. He is my ROCK



RavenMuse -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 4:05:00 PM)

I'm the one person she knows she can always turn to, rely on, lean on. I took on a commitment, Ownership and there is a duty of care which goes hand in hand with that.

As for what I will actualy do, with My current girl if/when she faces such.... no idea, whatever I see I need to do at the time... some need something to throw themself into to destract themself until they are ready for faceing it emotionaly, others need time and space. Its My responcibility to handle it as best as I see fit and You can never know how something THAT big is going to hit the girl, till it does hit and You are faced with helping her through it.





denika -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 4:41:47 PM)

I hope that in any relationship there is support in going through this type of loss.

I have lost both my parents and devistating is a minor understatement. A good relationship with someone who can help you weather thru the emotions, D/s, vanilla or M/s whichever title works is important in living with greif. 

I'm not in a formal D/s relationship but both my husband and Top were instramental in helping me cope with my Mothers's recent death. Rob helped by understanding that sometimes when I said I was 'okay' I really wasn't but let me discover that for myself without pushing, not to mention  letting me serve him,so I could focus on something other than the empty space within.
I had a very monumentous play with my Top at a public event that let me start the process of grief, I was fighting it tooth and nail and harboring guilt over things I couldn't control.  As a masochist I found peace and the first steps towards  letting go, as well as the permission to allow myself to cry.

But that is the diffrence of  a healthy relationships to an unhealthy one, where a Dominat figure in the dynamic can't see past their own needs and wants and allows their significant other(s) to flounder when they need their strength.

There is nothing that will prepare you for the eventual loss, trust me when I say this. But if you  are surrounded by those who love you ,they will hold you up when you can't stand and help find you when you think you are lost.

denika



zindyslave -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 4:42:19 PM)

In January I lost my Father, I emotionally couldn't handle the D/s dynamic for awhile, actually I didn't want to do anything with my Master sexually, my emotions were too out of control for that. He knew this and knew that I would eventually be able to do things again without crying or feeling like crap and it took a month or so before we started doing anything again. My Master was there for me and he held me when I needed it, that was how we handled it. I think you are liable to hear as many different ways of handling it as there are couples.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 5:27:12 PM)

Most relationships when they get serious sit down and have the talks about these things (and they should if they don't).  Mostly a master either directly provides for the slave what their expectations are to be and manages for their financial and legal security, and/or they use the death as a release and allow the slave to operate as they feel best.

I've also known many masters order their slaves to continue living a functional life and to seek happiness for themselves, something I find very good to do.

When it comes to a slave herself going through extreme stress, you deal as you deal.  Unless the master has ordered the slave to repress all emotions, then you work through until you reach a place that everyone considers reasonable.

For some slaves, their masters let them take days off for PMS.  For some slaves, their masters know not to expect certain things when they need to study for finals.

It's alla bout prioritization- have these talks BEFORE the crisis happens on what everyone considers reasonable and at least you'll have some starting point WHEN something interferes (and it always does).

This is also why I go on so much about how relationships are DYNAMICS.  People build their relationships on playing cards of rules- when one rule needs to be removed due to life, the whole house falls.  Instead- make the DYNAMIC what the relationship is about, and this can and does exist no matter what rules are in place.



RavenMuse -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 5:38:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
This is also why I go on so much about how relationships are DYNAMICS.  People build their relationships on playing cards of rules- when one rule needs to be removed due to life, the whole house falls.  Instead- make the DYNAMIC what the relationship is about, and this can and does exist no matter what rules are in place.


Absolutely. A set of rules taken at face value is unflexable and confining... a dynamic is more fluid, can shape and adjust, accomidating real life. My primary relationships have all had the same dynamic, TPE.... but the specific 'rules' and how that dynamic is expressed has shaped and evolved in very diffrent ways depending on who the girl was and how We interacted.



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 7:00:40 PM)

Dear Denika..thank you so much for your words..especially the last paragraph..it touched my heart most profoundly..Tempting



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 7:03:26 PM)

Juliet..as Level said, You did do yourself proud and "him" as well...Tempting



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 7:06:31 PM)

To slavejali and adoracat...It seems you were both tested by fire and came through to the other side..My hopes will be, to do the same..thank you both for your posts...Tempting



ownedgirlie -> RE: D/s and Death (5/20/2007 10:58:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: denika
There is nothing that will prepare you for the eventual loss, trust me when I say this. But if you  are surrounded by those who love you ,they will hold you up when you can't stand and help find you when you think you are lost.

denika


Just beautiful.

Last year I lost 5 family members and a dear friend, and embarked on what turned into a very ugly divorce.  Also had a nephew try and almost succeed at his second suicide attempt.  My Dad was one of the family members I lost, and I grieve him daily.  Despite all the tragedies, the one theme that comes to mind is love.  I have never felt so much love and compassion and care from friends and family in my life.

My Master has been my rock.  And like Jali said, other than the two weeks he gave me as breathing room after my father died (all assignments on hold), he has kept my attention on him, and did not let up on expectations.  He has offered a consistency I could count on.  For those two weeks of no assignments, he made it very clear that he still owned me, and that I could do the assignments I found comfort in them, but he would not require anything of me other than to share my thoughts with him in my grief.

We did have a most intimate connection the morning of my Dad's funeral, which carried me through the day.  He has been with me every step of the way, teaching me to know my own strength, and being right there to set me back on my feet when my strength fails.  He has been amazing for all of it.



ennaozzie -> RE: D/s and Death (5/21/2007 1:34:59 AM)

Loosing parents you are close to would be a hard thing for anyone to go through no matter what sort of relationship you are in, everyone reacts different you never know how anyone will react or how each person finds their way of dealing with bad times.  Personaly i dont think its any different just because you are in a BDSM or D/s relationship, but one would hope that you have support you need when that time comes.

All the best

beanie



denika -> RE: D/s and Death (5/21/2007 9:03:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

Dear Denika..thank you so much for your words..especially the last paragraph..it touched my heart most profoundly..Tempting


Thank you, I'm very flattered by that. Enjoy the time with loved ones, never pass up an opportunity to say I love you or pass on a hug.

Ownedgirlie-- thank you for your  words as well


denika



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