Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (Full Version)

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nonu -> Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (5/22/2007 7:26:40 AM)

This may have been on the forum earlier, but since i couldn't get any results out of a search, i'm starting a new post.

As a child, i had supportive parents and a protective elder sister, who always stood by my side in times of need. She would even pick up fights with my classmates in school, to protect me. She is also the one, who taught me some of the very basic things in life that a man would usually learn from another male friend. Yet, i grew up with the feeling of being the lesser loved, as compared to her.

I would be jealous of her, when she got better results in school, or when she was more popular amongst our common friends or relatives. Even my parents seemed to always dote on her, and the blame for all our mischief together would unquestionably come to me. There were times when i would pick up fights with her, to show her who the real 'man' was, only to be caught by my Mom and given a good thrashing! My parents always thought of it as sibling rivalry.

However, today when i ponder over my submissiveness as compared to the arrogance of the average young man, i feel that my childhood may have been responsible to some extent, for making me who i am.

Today, i am a submissive man who is eager to please, submit, surrender and even suffer, in the hope of receiving 'protective' or 'Motherly' love. In other words, although i love being dominated, controlled and even humiliated by Women, it is not what i 'crave' for. What i truly 'desire' is the feeling of 'belonging' to a Woman - someone who as my profile says, "would love me and beat me with the same passion, all my life". Therefore, to me submission towards Her is vital, whether or not it is met by Domination along the way; but i feel incomplete and starved in the absence of 'warmth' and 'love' that i have always looked up to Women for.

My query to all Dominant Women is, whether this form of submission is natural and common. Have You come across submissives who were looking for 'love', 'attachment' or 'protection' from You, instead of (or other than) pain, humiliation or mind control? Someone who was eager to obey You to his last breath, anticipate each need or desire, devote his heart and soul unto making You happy, and taking any level of abuse / humiliation from You, only for that occasional moment of 'care' and feeling of 'belonging to You'?

Also, is it foolish / unadvisable for a submissive to become emotionally attached and possessive about his Dominant? I have always dreaded being cuckolded, because i end up getting attached too emotionally and becoming possessive about my Dominant. Is it normal / correct for me to feel this way about Her, or am i mixing too many things into one, considering that in each case i was prepared to serve Her for life?



LadyPact -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (5/22/2007 7:41:43 AM)

There is nothing wrong with any of this.  Personally, I absolutely adore when My boys are devoted to Me.  I want them to have that sense of belonging to Me.  Just last night, I stumbled across an old cell phone message that wasn't deleted, and heard the words, "Mistress, it's your boy".  I'm not ashamed to say that it tugged at Me a bit.
 
I can only speak for Myself, but, yes.... I am very protective of anyone who belongs to Me.  That might sound odd considering some of My prior posts, but to Me, there is something that stirs in Me in My relationships with them.  It is like any other variation of people that are important.  I may do x, y, and z to them, but heaven help anyone else who might attempt to do something against them. 
 



thetammyjo -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (5/22/2007 9:01:21 AM)

I think this is exactly what Fox wants and gets from me.

Here with me as mine he is free to be himself -- he can display all those parts of himself that his parents and society frown upon and even time to time outright attack him for.

As for the fear of me being with someone else there are two matters at work here.

First he knew I was poly so any other expectation would be unrealistic and Fox is grounded in reality (one of the things that strongly attracted me to him).

Second as my slave it really is not his place to say "no" to me -- he can and does give me his opinions but he does not have the right to tell me what to do.

I don't think it's a submissive thing though. I get to be all of me around him too -- also around Tom though I don't act out all those parts with him.



Donnalee -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (5/22/2007 9:32:04 AM)

nonu,   It sounds to me like you've got a good handle on what you're looking for and can express it well, which is mosl likely going to be the biggest factor in finding your dominant.    You'll find your match if you keep that up.



stockingluvr54 -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (5/22/2007 2:28:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nonu

Today, i am a submissive man who is eager to please, submit, surrender and even suffer, in the hope of receiving 'protective' or 'Motherly' love. In other words, although i love being dominated, controlled and even humiliated by Women, it is not what i 'crave' for. What i truly 'desire' is the feeling of 'belonging' to a Woman - someone who as my profile says, "would love me and beat me with the same passion, all my life". Therefore, to me submission towards Her is vital, whether or not it is met by Domination along the way; but i feel incomplete and starved in the absence of 'warmth' and 'love' that i have always looked up to Women for.



Well said!

You are not alone.... I think MANY of us seek the same



amayos -> RE: Submissiveness Vs. Attachment Vs. Possessiveness (5/22/2007 2:37:44 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: nonu

Is it foolish / unadvisable for a submissive to become emotionally attached and possessive about his Dominant? I have always dreaded being cuckolded, because i end up getting attached too emotionally and becoming possessive about my Dominant. Is it normal / correct for me to feel this way about Her, or am i mixing too many things into one, considering that in each case i was prepared to serve Her for life?


"Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive." — Havelock Ellis, 1859–1939


I feel emotional attachment is critical and should be encouraged in submission, but possessiveness is a subversive and inappropriate branch of the tree. In serving, it is wise to keep in mind one's place. You do not possess, but are possessed. A simple enough idea in theory, but one that gores many on the path to servitude.



aidan -> RE: Submissiveness Vs. Attachment Vs. Possessiveness (5/22/2007 6:46:25 PM)

I can definetly identify with your feeling nonu.

More important then the overt acts of sadism are the subtlties of control and ownership. That feeling of being someone...something...cherished and protected.

I think I understand your feelings of "posessiveness" too. I couldn't stand being cuckolded either, but I wouldn't mind my partner playing with others. I think, however, I might have an issue with another "slave" or somebody living with us. Kind of like what you said about the relationship with your sister and parents, I've always had a hang-up about being the "second banana".  Imagined or otherwise, that'd be a bad scene for me.



MzMia -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (5/22/2007 8:05:53 PM)

Hello nonu and welcome.[:)]
What a sweet and touching post.  I think in a close and caring D/s relationship, it
would be perfectly natural to feel "protected", "warmth" and "love".[sm=whap.gif]
Ahh, so sweet, this is what many of us are seeking.



undergroundsea -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (5/22/2007 8:17:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nonu
Also, is it foolish / unadvisable for a submissive to become emotionally attached and possessive about his Dominant? I have always dreaded being cuckolded, because i end up getting attached too emotionally and becoming possessive about my Dominant. Is it normal / correct for me to feel this way about Her, or am i mixing too many things into one, considering that in each case i was prepared to serve Her for life?


I don't think what you describe is foolish. Similar discussions and a comment by a domme elsewhere helped me see that my desire to submit exists alongside, perhaps even secondary to, my desire to achieve romantic love. My idea of romantic love is closer to being monogamous than not. I may be open to considering play or principles of polyamory (equally applied to each person) for interaction that is secondary to the primary relationship but cuckoldry does not fit my vision for the relationship I would like to have.

Cheers,

Sea



MaamJay -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (5/22/2007 11:00:50 PM)

Hi nonu,
For Me, and the subs/slaves I have known who belong to other Doms, what you have described is the norm rather than an oddity. Most D/s relationships I have seen are founded more in love and protection and belonging than they are in the "cold bitch" kind of Domination. Interestingly, the "cold bitch Domme" seems to be a common FANTASY for sub men ... but when push comes to shove, they actually want to be loved! Perhaps some of them dream of being "the one" to melt that cold bitch heart. As My profile states (or at least it used to, haven't read it for a while *grin*) I have NO interest in being a cold bitch, it doesn't suit Me one bit. I am a warm, caring, loving kind of Domme, and as I tend to like younger people, I guess I am a bit of the motherly type (despite never having had real life UMs). Noting where you are from, it would seem that any kind of female Domination would be uncommon in your culture, so you feel that what you crave is unusual. In other cultures, it is not. I wish you luck finding the right Domme, being able to express yourself so well is a great start.
Maam Jay



nonu -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (5/22/2007 11:02:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

There is nothing wrong with any of this.  Personally, I absolutely adore when My boys are devoted to Me.  I want them to have that sense of belonging to Me.  Just last night, I stumbled across an old cell phone message that wasn't deleted, and heard the words, "Mistress, it's your boy".  I'm not ashamed to say that it tugged at Me a bit.
 
I can only speak for Myself, but, yes.... I am very protective of anyone who belongs to Me.  That might sound odd considering some of My prior posts, but to Me, there is something that stirs in Me in My relationships with them.  It is like any other variation of people that are important.  I may do x, y, and z to them, but heaven help anyone else who might attempt to do something against them. 
 



Thank You, LadyPact.

That was very inspiring indeed.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Donnalee

nonu,   It sounds to me like you've got a good handle on what you're looking for and can express it well, which is mosl likely going to be the biggest factor in finding your dominant.    You'll find your match if you keep that up.



Ms. Donnalee,
Many thanks to You for such an inspiring response. Your post has added several extra gallons of fuel to my search for the One to own me!

Thank You again.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

Hello nonu and welcome.[:)]
What a sweet and touching post.  I think in a close and caring D/s relationship, it
would be perfectly natural to feel "protected", "warmth" and "love".[sm=whap.gif]
Ahh, so sweet, this is what many of us are seeking.
 


Dear MzMia,

Thank You for such a warm response. It feels good to note that what i offer is indeed something that holds value in the mind of a Dominant. I was touched by Your reply.


I thank each contributor for Her/his response. And i'm grateful to A/all for making me feel welcome.



nonu -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (5/22/2007 11:17:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay

Hi nonu,
For Me, and the subs/slaves I have known who belong to other Doms, what you have described is the norm rather than an oddity. Most D/s relationships I have seen are founded more in love and protection and belonging than they are in the "cold bitch" kind of Domination. Interestingly, the "cold bitch Domme" seems to be a common FANTASY for sub men ... but when push comes to shove, they actually want to be loved! Perhaps some of them dream of being "the one" to melt that cold bitch heart. As My profile states (or at least it used to, haven't read it for a while *grin*) I have NO interest in being a cold bitch, it doesn't suit Me one bit. I am a warm, caring, loving kind of Domme, and as I tend to like younger people, I guess I am a bit of the motherly type (despite never having had real life UMs). Noting where you are from, it would seem that any kind of female Domination would be uncommon in your culture, so you feel that what you crave is unusual. In other cultures, it is not. I wish you luck finding the right Domme, being able to express yourself so well is a great start.
Maam Jay


Dear Maam Jay,

Thank You for Your kind inputs. I do agree that my location may have a lot to do with the way i feel about my tendencies, but that won't stop me from going against the flow and being a 'wife', when i'm unquestionably expected to be a 'tough' and leading 'man' by my society.

Many thanks for Your kind words of inspiration also. They mean a lot to me.



maledave7 -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (5/23/2007 3:58:58 AM)

I can relate to what you are saying. I grew up in a home with my mother and four sisters. I feel for the most part my submissive stems from my childhood. I have similar feels about needing to belong to a woman. I feel warmth and love is an important part of a relationship. I have though about cuckolded too. It is not something that I would really want. I think talking about this and other things early in the relationship with your Domme is important.



cloudboy -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (5/23/2007 3:43:24 PM)



>>The two general prototypes of dominatrices are the "bitch goddess" and the "mummy figure".

See http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2003/05/06/1051987689668.html <<

Quoting from, MsCfromMelbourne



nonu -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (6/6/2007 6:45:54 AM)

Thank you, cloudboy. That was an informative and inspiring article.



slaveboyforyou -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (6/6/2007 7:04:05 AM)

I don't think there is anything wrong with your feelings.  I can get very attached to a woman that I am infatuated with.  But because of bad experiences, I do exercise caution when I start having those feelings.  It is fine to want the things that you mentioned.  But you have to accept the possibility that things might not work out the way you want them to.  I have always had a very trusting nature, and I want to believe people.  But that can be a negative trait sometimes.  My advice is to exercise caution when you meet a new dominant.  I don't mean to sound pessimistic or negative.  I have just learned to exercise more caution when those intense feelings of attachment surface. 



nonu -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (6/6/2007 7:37:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

I don't think there is anything wrong with your feelings.  I can get very attached to a woman that I am infatuated with.  But because of bad experiences, I do exercise caution when I start having those feelings.  It is fine to want the things that you mentioned.  But you have to accept the possibility that things might not work out the way you want them to.  I have always had a very trusting nature, and I want to believe people.  But that can be a negative trait sometimes.  My advice is to exercise caution when you meet a new dominant.  I don't mean to sound pessimistic or negative.  I have just learned to exercise more caution when those intense feelings of attachment surface. 


Thanks for that input, slaveboy. I guess that's where i have always lost control of myself and ended up getting hurt. Maybe there is indeed "a time" in a relationship, when one can totally let go of all inhibitions, and  allow oneself to get totally attached to one's Dominant.

What appears tough, is to control the urge to lose myself totally, in all ways, when i know for sure that i want to literally dissolve myself in Her.



CrimsonMoan -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (6/6/2007 7:44:42 AM)

Nonu I agree with just about everything else. There is nothing wrong with it. I have had 3 subs get very attached to me and I enjoyed everyminute of it. I am the mother type amongst my friends anyways and so it transfered to scene quite well. Of course I am also the type to strive for somewhat deep emotional ties to those i let close to me.



nonu -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (6/6/2007 8:12:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrimsonMoan

Nonu I agree with just about everything else. There is nothing wrong with it. I have had 3 subs get very attached to me and I enjoyed everyminute of it. I am the mother type amongst my friends anyways and so it transfered to scene quite well. Of course I am also the type to strive for somewhat deep emotional ties to those i let close to me.


All i can say to that is "Wow"! It sounds like the perfect setting - a loving Dominant Woman and her sweet submissive! Just what sweet dreams are made of!

Thank you for sharing.



CrimsonMoan -> RE: Submissiveness Vs Attachment Vs Possessiveness (6/6/2007 8:30:53 AM)

np.i love giving love and pain all with the same hand.



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