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Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/22/2007 10:49:03 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		prolific_needs: I've suddenly come to realize... in vanilla, people try to hide their baggage, and form a relationship based on only the good parts.
prolific_needs: .... in D/s... you start by hauling out all the baggage and negativity first... and working from there to improve...

It's 2:30am when this realization decided to force it's way into my head, is it accurate? Do many D/s relationships start off with dredging up the ugly bits first and working from there? (After the obvious get-to-know-you period, but before/during the drawing of terms and expectations).
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/22/2007 10:58:35 PM   
pinksugarsub


Posts: 1224
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds

prolific_needs: I've suddenly come to realize... in vanilla, people try to hide their baggage, and form a relationship based on only the good parts.
prolific_needs: .... in D/s... you start by hauling out all the baggage and negativity first... and working from there to improve...

It's 2:30am when this realization decided to force it's way into my head, is it accurate? Do many D/s relationships start off with dredging up the ugly bits first and working from there? (After the obvious get-to-know-you period, but before/during the drawing of terms and expectations).


Sad to say but if yr baggage is the most prominent part of yr personality, maybe you should get some therapy.  i think in a D/s there might be a full disclsoure because there isn't any secrets according to His rules; or because a particular bad experience needs to be re-done in a joyful way.
 
E/everyone has baggage.  Just carry yr own, and don't expect a Dom/me to make it all good.

_____________________________





(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/22/2007 10:59:20 PM   
Masque66


Posts: 185
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		While this would be ideal in theory, seeing a lot of skeletons at first can scare people off.  I think they should come out before they become serious.  But first let them get to know you a little.  So when you do bare your soul they'll know the whole and not just the darker part.

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/22/2007 11:01:12 PM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		 baggage belongs in the closet and should never be brought out, vanilla or D/s ...

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/22/2007 11:07:29 PM   
Argentopal


Posts: 379
Joined: 12/12/2005
From: Central Texas / Hill Country
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader

 baggage belongs in the closet and should never be brought out, vanilla or D/s ...


ahh but baggage always finds a way to squeek out at the most inopportune times!  I don't think we need to go back 20 years, but I do believe that if someone is beginning to think about a realtionship turning serious it is far better to tell them some of the things that might cause concern that to risk them finding  out and having part of a trust foundation crumble.  I agree that perhaps the first date, so to speak, may not be the time, but certainly well before permanent plans are made. 

and yes, I practice what I preach.


_____________________________

He held out His hand and said "Step into the abyss with me."

... and i did.


~Surrender without Fear~
~Power without Guilt~
~Love without Doubt~

(in reply to dawntreader)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/22/2007 11:09:35 PM   
Einzelganger


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/8/2007
From: Orlando, FL
Status: offline 		I don't bring my baggage out.  Ever.  Everyone's got some, but quite frankly, it's not my job to make my domme miserable by bitching about what's happened to me, or telling her I used to sell my body on the street for gas money.

-Einzelgänger

Edit: I would tell her if she really, really wanted to hear about it and specifically asked, though.

< Message edited by Einzelganger -- 5/22/2007 11:14:07 PM >

(in reply to dawntreader)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/22/2007 11:13:38 PM   
LadyPaige


Posts: 187
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I don't think it's necessary to bare all in the early stages, but that baggage is part of who you are and if someone is going to fall for you, then you owe them the honesty of allowing them to know all of you.

(in reply to Argentopal)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/22/2007 11:14:59 PM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		Good point! i really don't believe anyone honestly wants to know another's baggage...

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to Einzelganger)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/22/2007 11:28:17 PM   
HeavansKeeper


Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		I never pull my bones out on a first date.  Just as you wouldn't be a full out slave on the first meeting, trust must be earned to win tidbits of the other's past.  It takes time, and the things that are harder to say require more trust before others can hear them.  There are some things that the other person deserves to know before it becomes a factor.  "I have herpes" or "I have a husband" come into play during the first fluid exchange and first time you would get 'caught' respectively.

If everyone put all the baggage out on the first conversation, we would all look like psycho's.  I have met people and our first conversation was a laughing back and forth about 'who had it worse' but that's a different story.

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to dawntreader)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/22/2007 11:34:26 PM   
Casie


Posts: 450
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline 		I don't believe there is any set rule as to when baggage should come out. It is more of a base by base curcumstance. Althought I do believe it should come out at some point. As past things in your life can influence your reaction to certain situations and people. I don't think it's good to cover ones past up by only telling the good parts as that is not being honest and lying by omission. And any relationship based on those grounds doesn't not have a good chance of being long lasting. 

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/22/2007 11:54:57 PM   
Masque66


Posts: 185
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader

Good point! i really don't believe anyone honestly wants to know another's baggage...


I'd like to believe that a sub has no baggage.  But if she does I'd rather hear it from her than stumble on it years later.

(in reply to dawntreader)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/22/2007 11:54:57 PM   
ElectraGlide


Posts: 1246
Joined: 11/25/2005
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		It is best to get your BDSM baggage out fast, because you may turn a future lovers stomach fast, if they are not into it. I have been casual dating for over 2 years now, and I hate to say it, I want to stay that way, after being in 3 long terms for 20 years. I state that fact up front, so I do not lead any one on. I have got 3 reactions from ladies in their 40s about my BDSM past. One reaction is cool I have been there also. Another is I have a interest and want to explore it. The other is that is sick ,you are gross lol. A piece of luggage I want to know is, are they 100 percent single ? I have ran into 3 times they were seeing married man that were 20 years older, they claim they are good friends that are gay, or they can not get it up and they dont have sex. I have no idea if that is true, but I do know those guys had hissie fits when their misstress was out dating me. One lady told me straight up she was seeing the married guy, the other two I guessed because of their hissie fits. If you dont get the facts fast, things can turn into a hornets nest. You may not get into another BDSM relationship if things get too deep and you wait too long.

_____________________________

www.starhillcreations.com

(in reply to Casie)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/23/2007 12:33:21 AM   
bliss1


Posts: 497
Joined: 3/14/2007
Status: offline 		The baggage will come out - but take your time expressing it.
There is a proper time and place for everything. If that baggage has caused you harm - not disclosing it will only make it you fell worse for it and may end up expressing itself in very unhappy ways.
Trust your partner to help you work it out.



_____________________________

Witch before, during, and after my coffee.

(in reply to ElectraGlide)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/23/2007 12:55:38 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Always be honest in who you are but be gentle when placing blame. And if it's baggage that's carrying over into your personality in negative ways, seek a professional therapist. Therapists get paid to inspect your baggage and to help you sort through it once the zipper's broken and you can't keep it shut any more.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to bliss1)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/23/2007 1:10:38 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader
Good point! i really don't believe anyone honestly wants to know another's baggage...

you are not on the D side of the equasion obviously. A Master doesn't just WANT to know, they NEED to know. We are making life decisions, life choises for that person, we need to know them as well as possible. Thats know the reality, warts an all, not just some cleaned up 'image' else those decisions are not going to be based on the reality of who they are and all that baggage is just going to bubble up and bite them, and us in the arse at some point.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to dawntreader)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/23/2007 1:21:26 AM   
Copulo


Posts: 268
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		 Within a relationship and if I am going to do certain things in D/s or S/m to a person then its absolutely crucial I know about baggage. What I could consider moderate play could be in fact very edgy play if this person has a history of abuse, rape or even bullying.
I have fallen trap to this once before with a female that kept her baggage in that tightly locked box and initially appeared to be absolutely cool about a specific type of play. Part way though I saw something was wrong and so I wound things down, popped her in the bath and stayed with her. The next thing and quite un-expectantly all hell broke loose. It was like this time bomb had gone off in her head and she really couldn’t cope with it.
She was not a nutter, she was just someone who had not fully revealed herself or come to terms with her baggage.
Would I of walked away from her if she had or told her ‘hey I don’t want to hear about YOUR issues’? No of course I wouldn’t of. I would of listened, talked things through with her and taken things with much more caution over specific types of play.

Vanilla people so often lock their baggage away but I honestly believe that BDSM folk have to learn to fold it all neatly in a little drawer and be prepared to open that drawer now and again. Only when you can do that are you free.

(in reply to slaveish)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/23/2007 1:31:50 AM   
Copulo


Posts: 268
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		This is not just about telling someone to get down on there hands and knees and giving them the once over with the flogger. This is about reaching deep inside the soul. This, to me anyway, is about bringing out the absolute best in a person.

When I form a relationship with a sub I need to know him/her in all his/her entirety and like Raven says, that’s warts and all. If my sub is unconfident about certain issues then I want to help them to become confident.
I want my sub to make the best out of who they are. This to me is about growing and not just about how subservient or how much pain can they take, its about becoming complete and the only way one can do that is know this person inside out.

(in reply to Copulo)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/23/2007 1:42:56 AM   
gandalf0297


Posts: 148
Joined: 8/6/2006
Status: offline 		While I would not recommend bringing it out first shot out of the box. It is going to come out eventually. Better to get it out as soon as you can and deal with it. I still get a chuckle from profiles that state "no baggage"................................

_____________________________

"The best things cannot be said. The second best are misunderstood." (Joseph Campbell.)

(in reply to Copulo)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/23/2007 2:00:20 AM   
ennaozzie


Posts: 201
Joined: 5/9/2007
Status: offline 		I dont really agree with that, in every lifestyle there are people that hide or bring a baggage along with them, some are open about it some arnt and some are open but not completely, there are people that are bad at relationships and good at relationships everywhere, but then i am only forming my opinoins on what i have seen and heard, i have not seen or heard what you have.  

But i have a strong belief that if you have hang ups (baggage) from a previous experence/relationship then if you have not delt with them you should not be bringing them into the next relationship, there for not ready to move on, better to process them and work though it and have a new start when it is time to start another relationship.

I myself would never even consider starting a relationship and been so horrible as to hang on someone else issues i have not delt with, (that is what i consider baggage) i can not think of anything more selfish than to do to another person you aparently care for.

beanie

_____________________________

Never make someone your priority when you are only their option

If coffee hurts your eye's take the spoon out of the mug

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
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RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? - 5/23/2007 2:41:49 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader
Good point! i really don't believe anyone honestly wants to know another's baggage...

you are not on the D side of the equasion obviously. A Master doesn't just WANT to know, they NEED to know. We are making life decisions, life choises for that person, we need to know them as well as possible. Thats know the reality, warts an all, not just some cleaned up 'image' else those decisions are not going to be based on the reality of who they are and all that baggage is just going to bubble up and bite them, and us in the arse at some point.



You said it before I could.

It's one of my Master's first quests when bringing in a new girl - to write her histories.  From there, he can begin to learn what inspires her, scares her, angers her, motivates her, and stops her dead in her tracks.  Usually some of those bags rise right to the surface fairly quickly.

He can not master someone he does not know intimately.

(in reply to RavenMuse)
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