Padriag
Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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While I assume the original poster wrote this with the best of intentions, meaning to provide advice to help keep women safe, it is unfortunately a bad idea. Actually, it could prove to be quite dangerous advice because it pupports to be a means of ensuring a safe first meeting creating a false sense of security that could cause a woman following the advice to drop her guard and actually become more vulnerable. These kinds of things have become popular lately, so I'm going to take the time to show precisely why this is a bad idea an just how badly it can go wrong. I'm going to take the poster's advice and show you, step by step the kinds of things that can still go terribly wrong and just unsafe you still are.
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1. Tell him you want to setup a silent alarm. If he knows what this is he should agree to it right away. That’s a good sign that he can be trusted. If he doesn’t know what it is, go to step 2.
Judging from the other responses to this thread, I'd say no one has heard of a "silent alarm" before. So apparently, odds are if you had asked any dominant (excepting the OP) what a silent alarm was prior to this thread being posted we would have said no. The OP say that if they have heard of it, its a good sign that they can be trusted. Why... because they've heard of it and agreed right away? Lots of people have read Castlerealm and know all kinds of "buzz" words which they happily quote, that doesn't mean they actually know anything about the lifestyle. Anyone can agree to anything over the phone, it proves nothing. And conversely, if we haven't heard of it and are hesitant to agree to something we haven't heard of (a fairly human reaction), does that mean we aren't to be trusted? So in step one, if you follow the advice as written you've already begun to set yourself up for a sense of false security.
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2. You tell him that you agree to meet in a public and at least somewhat crowded environment. This could be a busy coffee house, restaurant, or mall. It should be fairly well lit. Stay away from dark steamy bars. As a matter of fact it’s best to leave alcohol out of the picture entirely.
This is fine, I have no issue with this part of the advice. But then again if you've read any of hundreds of web sites on the lifestyle, or just general advice columns with dating tips, you can get this same advice, its not new.
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3. You agree on a time limit for the meeting. That could be any thing from 15 minutes to a few hours. Not much longer than that.
That's dandy if you happen to live in the same town or city. But there's a slight problem with that, we're on internet. Statistically the odds are you are going to meet people from all over the world on here. I have spoken with and met people from all over the US. I have even met a few people from other countries. I almost married a girl from Scotland. The point being is that in many cases one of you is going to have to travel some distance in order to meet. Now, what is a girl reading this advice supposed to tell the dreamy dominant she just met who is offering to come a few hundred miles just to meet her... "you got 15 min bud, see you next week"? I don't think so. Two hours, seriously, if you were the dominant in question, what are the odds you will travel out of state or further to meet someone for two hours. You're looking at the cost of travel, a motel room for overnight possibly, food, etc... for two hours? I don't think so. Most of us would expect to spend the day with the person, spend some time together, see the local sights, talk a lot, get to know each other. If I'm traveling out of state to meet a girl I can, and probably already have spend a more than two hours on the phone... if that's all I can expect when I get there, I'll just stay at home an give her a call. That's reality.
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4. You call a friend. Tell that friend that you are meeting a stranger and you are setting up this safety net. Tell him or her that on the appointed day and time, that you will call them and give them the name of the person with whom you are meeting along with license number and SS # and the location where you will be. If you do not call you friend back at the at the end of you meeting (the time limit) to say that you are home safe, then you friend is instructed to call the police and explain the situation.
5. Upon first meting and making introductions he is to present his drivers license to you, where upon you will copy all the pertinent information including license number and social security number.
Here's where we really start setting ourselves up for a false sense of security. First of all there when you call.. at the end of the "date", which is 15 min to 2 hours according to the instructions. Great... so if Mr or Mrs right turns out to be Mr or Mrs Axe Murderer... by the time you don't check in, and the friend hesitates for another 15 min just incase you lost track of time... by the time the police are even called your psycho date has a 30 min to 2 hour an 15 min head start on the police. By the time your friend explains what happens, and the police get around to sending an officer to where you were supposed to be, we may well be over the 3 hour mark and you are long gone, hauled off to where ever your kidnapper has taken you. In 3 hours you can be out of the state (if you are in Europe you can be out of the country!!!... where, btw, they don't have SSNs either)... so where exactly are the police supposed to start looking for your corpse?
Ah, I know, you're thinking the nutcase wouldn't dare because you have his SSN and driver's license info... right? Are you sure it was his? Take your own SS Card, put it on a flat bed scanner, scan it, now with Paint Shop change the number and print out a copy on heavy blue paper kind of like they use for the cards (which you can buy at Wal Mart), now have it laminated. Show it to a friend and tell them to copy the number, then put the card you made away an ask your friend if it was a real card. I'm guessing they won't know the difference. Driver's license are much harder to fake, but people do it. Still feel safe?
Or assuming our fiend isn't a moron who didn't stop to think of any of that and just decided to rape you on impulse after having one too many beers. I think we've all seen shows like COPS enough to realize a lot of criminals are really very stupid and wouldn't have done what they did if they had thought about it for 5 min.
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6. You will make a call to you friend in waiting and pass all that information along so that he or she will have it at hand.
So when the police check this info to find your kidnapper / killer, maybe they get the right person, maybe it comes up bogus... or maybe some poor soul who had their identity stolen gets prosecuted for a crime they didn't commit. Meanwhile, you're still dead. Still feel safe?
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7. You stay in the location that you agreed to meet at until the designated time limit is up then you go home.
Or at least you plan to. But lets be realistic here. First, the majority of people who take this advice are submissive women. Guys (submissive or dominant) don't generally worry about this kind of thing... many dominant women don't. So the person trying to be safe is most often a submissive woman. She meets Mr Domly Dom, and in that stern commanding tone he suggests they go some place quieter... and she gets submissive and agrees. How many submissive reading this right now know deep down you would? Be honest with yourselves. Congratualtions, you're dead, thanks for playing.
For the rest of you who actually did say no to Mr Domly Dom... fine, he slips a drug in your drink when you go to powder your nose, or even clumsily spills something on your dress so you have to go to the bathroom to clean it off (I saw that in a movie), and while you are gone, he slips something in your drink. Next thing you know you are light headed, not able to think straight and when helps you out to your car, by the time you realize what's going on you're in his car instead and once again... you're dead, thanks for playing.
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8. You call you friend and tell them that you are home safe.
They may be in for a long wait cause... you're dead, and unless you saw White Noise, dead people don't phone home.
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WHAT IF?
What if, he asks you to stay a while longer. Go home at the appointed time. Hey you might hit it off right away, and want the meeting to go on and on. Look, you can always meet again and probably will.
Or after driving 3 hours just to meet, getting a motel room, and paying for a tank of gas at $2 a gallon... all for 2 hours of conversation in a crowded place which is likely to be noisy... he goes home disappointed and decides to find somebody who is a bit less paranoid.
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What if, He balks at this idea and says you don’t need to go through all that trouble. RED FLAG. You should be asking yourself, what’s he hiding? Stay home, stay online and find out.
Or maybe he just thinks its a dumb idea that is leaving you with a false sense of security while leaving him vulnerable to identity theft. Here's a news flash, us doms aren't required to automatically trust you subbies either. After all, we've met plenty online who claimed to be young attractive women who turned out to be middle aged married housewives cheating on their husbands (who may or many not own a shotgun) or worse, turn out to be over weight guys who are probably closet homosexuals!!! You might even be a scam artist looking to collect SSNs for your latest identity theft scheme. Who's looking out for us in all this? No where in these advice ideas do I see instructions about winning our trust, or what you should be looking for to see if we genuinely earn yours. What I do see is some automated process for the lazy, and nothing about building real trust and communication with your potential partner. Face it folks, if you need a background check or an SSN... what you are saying is, you don't trust this person. If you don't trust them, why are you meeting them?
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What if, You get there say hello and he refuses to show you his ID. Turn around and walk away. Make sure that somebody sees you leave. Say goodnight to a waiter, Say to the host at the door “ My name is Jane Doe its 7:30 and I’m leaving, what ever it takes let somebody know. These days you probably have a cell phone, call your friend.
At best... you're still dead. Mr or Mrs Axe Murderer shows up, refuses to show ID, you leave, they follow you home, you die in your very own bed. Well, look on the bright side, at least they'll know where to find the body. Oh... maybe they catch the guy... but does that really make you feel any better? Of course not, you're dead, dead people don't have feelings (unless your a ghost, but I ain't going there).
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What if, He suggests you go someplace else, some thing quiet, secluded? Sounds romantic but stay put.
While I agree you should stay put, will you? And frankly ladies, you can just about expect to be asked this regardless. Even if he really is a nice guy the fact is he's there because he's interested in you, he may have come a long way, and he really does want to spend time with you. Even if he knows he shouldn't ask, he's probably going to anyway because he can't help but hope that just maybe you'll say yes. That's reality.
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What if, the worst happens and he starts to drag you away. Drop that paper that you copied his information on, so somebody can find it. Scream and kick, and scratch. Odds are if he agreed to all this in the first place, this won’t happen.
Of course he may wait til you're in the parking lot to grab you, and that piece of paper may be found 30' away from your car only to be thrown away by a boy scout who was picking up litter... but hey...you kicked and screamed... feel safe yet?
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It doesn’t seem romantic at all and its not supposed to be but it only takes a few minutes to get business out of the way and start enjoying your date. You will be more relaxed and enjoy your time more know that you have a safety mechanism in place.
And that's the problem... you think you've eliminated the danger, so you take that few minutes, go through the motions and now you think you're safe, you relax an now he's got you. You'll never even see it coming because you thought you were safe. This is the problem with this kind of mindless process that doesn't involve getting to know the person, doesn't involve you thinking, doesn't involve you using good judgement. It lulls you into thinking that if only you do 1, 2, 3... you're safe because you have you're handy dandy "safety mechanism" (by Conco, act now while supplies last...) ... feel safe now?
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TIPS:
A short appointment give you a quick out your date turns out to be a jerk. Don’t plan more than a few hours at the most.
Even better, if your date turns out to be a jerk, make up an appointment and leave. Set your own pager or cell phone off and pretend to get an urgent call. Better still, confront him, ask him to leave and then go to the bathroom. I'll elaborate on why you let him leave first below.
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Go to the bathroom half way through you meeting and call you friend to give them an update. They will worry less and you’ll feel better.
Or call while he is in the bathroom. Not a good idea to leave your drink unattended.
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No drugs or alcohol. Make it a soft drink night. Keep your wits about you.
This I whole heartedly agree with, but I know many of you won't listen.
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If you feel uncomfortable about anything at any time, go home. Trust you feelings. If there is a problem you can talk about it online from the safety of you own home at a later time.
Why online... if you've met you probably already have talked on the phone. If you're that scared, I'll be honest with you, most of us guys are going to write you off as not being worth the hassle. If you are that uncomfortable for a good reason (for example he kept talking about how he couldn't wait to torture you and wanted to talk about nothing else), then just don't have anything else to do with the jerk and leave it at that. If things just don't work for you there's no reason to keep talking about it.
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If you don’t have a friend that you can use, (maybe they don’t understand BDSM) contact a local group in you area. There will always be somebody there that will be willing to do this for you. If for some reason you can’t do that I’m willing to bet that some of us here on Collarme would be willing to act as your silent alarm.
Your friend doesn't need to know anything about BDSM, all your friend needs to know is you are meeting someone you met online and you would like them to help you out. Someone here at CM? Umm... follow me here folks... all this complication is the result of meeting someone you don't really trust yet because you met the online... so you're gonna trust someone else you met online to be your lifeline? Riiiight... congrats, you're dead, and no one will know... thanks for playing.
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Oh and by the way, if I haven’t said this already. Stick to the plan.
Better advice... get a new plan.
And on that thought, here is some better advice.
Step one, take the time to actually get to know the person. I don't mean get to know about their fetishes or all the kinky things you'll do together... I mean get to know them as a person. What do they do with themselves, how do they live, what do they do for fun other than BDSM. That is, do they have a life and what kind of life is it? How do they get along with others? Do they have friends? Do their friends seem like decent people (bird of a feather you know...)? Do they seem stable or is their life constant chaos? How do they handle problems and disappointments? These things will tell you a lot about their character, the kind of person they really are. Watch how they treat other people, especially people they have no interest in. Are they generally polite and considerate to these people or not?
I've let girls I've met talk not only to me on the phone, but if I'm with friends I let them say Hi to my friends (okay so I like to show off a lil bit). I even let one girl talk to my mother! What do you think that told those girls about me? Want to guess what it did for their level of trust and confidence in me?
When you meet someone, yes, keep it in a public place, a nice resteraunt. Its been said a million times on hundreds of web sites... you should know this by now. But instead of wanting ID, SSNs, etc... just bring a friend. Preferably a guy friend if you can. If you happen to know a police officer or a security guard, ask them to come as favor when they are off duty. You don't have to give them details about your lifestyle... just tell them you are meeting someone you met online for the first time and you'd feel so much safer if they were there. Odds are it will appeal to your friends vanity and they'll agree. They don't have to sit with you... in fact, do this.
Let your date know when an where to meet and that a friend of yours will be there too, but won't intrude.
You and your friend get there early, before your date arrives.
Have your friend sit somewhere else in the resteraunt where they have a clear view of where you are sitting.
Don't introduce your date to your friend, they don't need to meet your friend or even who the friend is.
Enjoy your date.
When it comes time to go, have your date leave first. He doesn't need to walk you to your car, your friend will do that in few minutes when you leave.
Let your date leave first, watch him drive away.
When he has left, you an your friend leave together.
Now here's why you do that. By not telling your date who your friend is, if your date turns out to be Ted Bundy II, he has the problem of knowing you have a friend there who is watching but he has no idea who this person is. If your date has plans of kidnapping you, thats a pretty tough snag to get around. By getting there before your date does, he doesn't get to see what car you drive. By letting him leave first, and waiting till he does so, it would be very difficult for him to follow you home since he had to leave first and doesn't know which car you drive. And that makes you much safer. But hopefully you took the time to get to know him well before hand an by the time you meet you already know him well enough to know you are safe.
To the OP... I can appreciate your interest in trying to give advice and help keep the ladies safe. I realize I've been very harsh on your idea, but it isn't personal. I've got personal reasons of my own for why this topic is close to me. The reality is, there is no substitute for using good judgement and anything that creates a false sense of security is actually worse because it will be the cause of the woman dropping her guard and becoming more vulnerable to being a victim. We don't want that.
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Padriag
A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer
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RE: How to have a safe 1st meeting - 
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