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Elorin -> RE: The Need to Know (5/23/2007 10:11:29 PM)
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~using fast reply~
There are so many reasons for someone to seek BDSM outside of their committed relationship. I have empathy for some of them, and for others I don't. I've set up guidelines for myself that don't quite satisfy me, but I follow them until I have guidelines that I feel more comfortable with.
Since BDSM is my passion and I practice it personally, consider BDSM to be a lifestyle for myself, but am also a pro Domme, my guidelines are thus: If I meet you at a play party and all we are doing is S&M play or bondage, I will not ask if you are married or not. The scene happens, goes as far as it goes, and that is that. If friendship develops and/or contact outside of play parties develops, then I will ask about marital status and such. If you are married and your spouse says it is ok for you to practice BDSM outside of the marriage, I want to meet him or her and hear from them that it is truly ok with them. If they don't want ongoing details, that's fine, but if they are not willing to at least meet in person or talk on the phone, I will not take you as a personal submissive. I will, however, if you are interested accept you as a professional client.
Like I said, I'm not totally happy about my guidelines. Sometimes I feel bad when I find out later that a play partner at a party is married and the spouse doesn't know. I don't like married men feeling like I am "charging" them for having discovered kink after they were married. I haven't found any better guidelines.
Random comments from the thread:
I would be pretty much shocked to find out that my hypothetical straight husband was giving head to a gay male and felt it was non-sexual. For me, oral sex is sexual.
I believe that earthycouple made a very good point about defining things. There is a thread here somewhere where I talked about defining sex...which actions are sex and which are not? Is cheating "sex" with others without your knowledge, or does it include emotion? If I say "cheating is having sex with someone without asking me first" and you think in your head "Ok, I won't put my cock in her pussy"...but you put it in her ass, her mouth, her hands, and between her tits, there is a huge disconnect. Why? Because for me, using her body to create friction so you can cum is sex. So it doesn't matter if it's a tit job, blow job, hand job, or anal fuck, it's still sex - to me.
As for the situation where someone gets so ill that they cannot provide sexual satisfaction, I think there are more options than were listed. Now, this is coming from me who is a poly person, but I would prefer to have a relationship with openness and honesty, in which the ill individual does not have to feel guilty for not being able to provide sex, in which the ill individual can know that I am seeking relationships with people he/she would respect (as opposed to one night stands found in singles bars) for sexual fulfillment, in which that person can choose to meet my sexual partners or not, in which the ill individual can have veto power over potential partners. I would rather be able to hold my darling and tell her that if she can't fuck me it doesn't matter, or give her the remote to a fucking machine, dildo, vibrator, or combination and help me get my sexual needs met, or whatever our relationship needs, than have a relationship with someone who was beating herself up because I can't fuck her pussy but didn't tell me about it b/c she was ashamed - while being fearful that I would be seeking outside relief but not being willing to ask outright if it was going on, and not trusting me enough to KNOW the answer before asking the question.
So...I hope the run on sentences made sense.
My relationship with M was extramarital for both of us when it started. For me, I had been separated for more than 2 years and my divorce had been filed over a year ago but I was going through a custody battle. He was happily married when we met. The entanglements we ran into between then and now (which sees both of us divorced and primary partners to one another) could fill a book. We went through frustration, being discrete so that our relationship wasn't dragged into court, passive aggressive on the part of his ex-wife, on the part of my ex-boyfriend/roommate, being non-sexual but having D/s, being sexual but not penetrative, a lot of different things. It wasn't easy. Having been there myself, I know many different ways extra marital relationships can form, and not all of them include intentional dishonesty.
Anyway, I want to say thank you for a thread on extra-marital relationships that is not automatically "cheating is always bad, no matter what."
~E
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