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Parents influence - 5/17/2005 5:52:43 AM

Kiaban

Posts: 124
Joined: 7/11/2004
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You hear it alot in the bdsm circles..you are dom/sub because your parents did this or that when you were growing up. The funny thing is that they generally tailor it to whatever you are and contradict themselves. IE You are dom because your dad was dom..or you are sub because your dad was dom and beat you into submission.
Anyways inspite of not putting much stock in it, just wondering what other people's experience was and if they think thier parents influenced thier 'dom or subness".

Post #: 1

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 6:18:05 AM

ruffnecksbabygir

Posts: 412
Joined: 1/4/2005
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in my case, yes i am pretty sure it had something to do with it ...my dad was extremely controlling and dominant, he was, however, also very abusive so it wasn't a consentual D/s relationship between my mother and him. My mother was submissive, she didn't have much choice in the matter tho.
i don't think that's the only reason for me being the way i am today but i am pretty sure that played a part in it. i resented my father when i was growing up, but as far back as i can remember i was always attracted to the dominant/controlling type male. i personally believe that our environment growing up definately helps form us as adults and that's not to say that everyone in the lifestyle came from this type of household, but the experiencces we had growing up probably did it's part in forming the choices we have made as adults...not all, but some.

_____________________________

~hugs~
Babygirl

:Disclaimer: The above is only this slave's opinion:

"And Those Who Danced Were Thought To Be Quite Insane By Those Who Could Not Hear The Music" -- Angela Monet

(in reply to Kiaban)

Post #: 2

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 6:27:21 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
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I am sure that there are certain people who would be effected by their upbringing - but not all.

Its very similar to the thoughts that all Doms are abusers and all subs are ex- abuse sufferes - that just isn't true.

Not all Gay parents raise gay children.
Not all army families raise cadets.

Neither of my parents are into BDSM - and neither are particularly dominant or submissive to each other, just depends upon the situations they are in (like anyone)

The only thing I know is that my parents were a positive influence, and that my Gran instilled a sense of self that has never left me. I love and thank them for that - and thank them for teaching me that its ok to be what you are - no matter who you are.

Peace and Love

*typo spelling edit

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to Kiaban)

Post #: 3

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 7:40:37 AM

GentleLady

Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
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Other then passing on the appropriate genes, My parents had little to do with Me having a Dominant nature. They did however allow Me room to exercise it and help it grow.

Gentle Lady

_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to Kiaban)

Post #: 4

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 8:02:52 AM

subcheryl

Posts: 280
Joined: 11/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ruffnecksbabygir

in my case, yes i am pretty sure it had something to do with it ...my dad was extremely controlling and dominant, he was, however, also very abusive so it wasn't a consentual D/s relationship between my mother and him. My mother was submissive, she didn't have much choice in the matter tho.
i don't think that's the only reason for me being the way i am today but i am pretty sure that played a part in it. i resented my father when i was growing up, but as far back as i can remember i was always attracted to the dominant/controlling type male. i personally believe that our environment growing up definately helps form us as adults and that's not to say that everyone in the lifestyle came from this type of household, but the experiencces we had growing up probably did it's part in forming the choices we have made as adults...not all, but some.

I agree with ruffnecksbabygirl, only in my experience, my dad was not a dominant personality, he was just there. Due to the loss of my biological mother at the age of two, my dad stopped living emotionally, and just provided, just another being in the household. He married a woman who was very controling. Because of her I beleive my dominate personality was broken, not saying I would be dominate, just would have been strong in spirit, I do beleive I was born submissive, but just would have been stronger personally, I had an aunt married to a submissive man, and can remember thinking as a child growing up that I was going to marry a man that I couldn't control like she did him, it made me sick to see him summit to her. I like my men desisive(sp) sorry, they know who they are where they want to be and how to get there and can take me with them. Yes I beleive in some ways our past or childhoods do influence who we are and where we are in the BDSM relationship.

(in reply to ruffnecksbabygir)

Post #: 5

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 11:16:57 AM

FelinePersuasion

Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
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I don't think mine did, If it did I'd be intolerant, crass, holier than tho attitud'ed emotionally manipulative nose up in air typed.. My mom always said never let a man tell you what to do, never defere to your man be your own woman, any man who wants that is abusive, Ect ect ....

She's also one to nit pick and start fights and then keep her nose up in the air for days after if you take offense and fight back.

And I'm none of those. Nor do I belive it's a bad thing to defer to the man sometimes. I'm a switch, So I can be dominant or submissive, I am naturally out going and full of life, and I don't give my softer side to jst any one so I come across as Dominant with potential to be sub like IF you earn t hat.

< Message edited by FelinePersuasion -- 5/17/2005 11:19:28 AM >

(in reply to subcheryl)

Post #: 6

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 12:06:21 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kiaban

You hear it alot in the bdsm circles..you are dom/sub because your parents did this or that when you were growing up. The funny thing is that they generally tailor it to whatever you are and contradict themselves. IE You are dom because your dad was dom..or you are sub because your dad was dom and beat you into submission.
Anyways inspite of not putting much stock in it, just wondering what other people's experience was and if they think thier parents influenced thier 'dom or subness".

When I was starting to figure out that my "desires" had a name -- "sadomasochism" (I was 16) I started doing research in the library to try to sort it all out. What kind of people were into this? What did it mean? What did other people do? I was still a virgin, and all I knew was that I really liked to tie up guys and roleplay all sorts of femdom situations.

I was shocked at some of the research and implications (this was around 1984) about sexual dysfunction, social disorders and suggestions that fetishes and BDSM leanings were often the result of sexual abuse or parental relationships that were dysfunctional.

None of that applied to me, as I had (and have) a pretty much textbook "nuclear" family upbringing with two parents that stayed married and lived in the same house, total stability, 3 siblings and none of us had any problems with depression, drugs, or rebellious behavior. We were the brady bunch, practically. Except, I was born kinked!

I don't think anything in my past has anything to do with my desires. I was thinking about bondage before I even knew what sex was. I found it "exciting" -- and still, to this day, that's how I view it. The sexual side of it just developed in time as I got older.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to Kiaban)

Post #: 7

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 12:30:48 PM

joecool

Posts: 31
Joined: 5/16/2004
From: Rochester
Status: offline

I'm tempted to quote Jeff Foxworthy, so I will. "My momma was great, my daddy was great, I'm just [kinky]" (so I changed it a little)

I have great parents, nuclear family, all mentally stable, 1 happily married sibling.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 8

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 1:08:55 PM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

Ahhh...nurture vs nature in BDSM - the perrenial question.

When I talk to submissive women, this is one of the areas I probe, am fascinated by. In both my own experience, and in almost every submissive woman's as they relate it, there emerges two, coeval responses: X in my life experience contributed, and yet, I've "always been this way."

The pleaser girls I know talk about loving to fetch things for their parents, or trying to please playmates or school friends. They always felt good about making someone else feel good. How many here tied up/tortured their barbie dolls?

I can remember my extremely complicated, convoluted fantasy about making Wonder Woman my love slave - and this was presexual on my part. Always been that way.

And yet - how many of us have had defining experiences that seemed to peg down or nail in place their sexual paraphillias? There are a lot of chiquitas here who got, loud and clear from their parents SEX IS BAD AND ONLY DIRTY GIRLS DO IT, and from there to needing to be "forced" or tied up, or made to be a dirty girl is not a big leap.

I think it's both.

(in reply to joecool)

Post #: 9

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 1:48:26 PM

ZandD

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Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

Absolutely my parents had something do with the type of person that I became though I had a lot of negativity to work through by the time that I became an adult. I spent years washing away all of the junk they force fed my mind. My father was of a submissive personality and a loner, my step father was a nasty a** domineering jerk and my mother is in her own little world and as long as no one disagreees with her, everything is cool.

Why or how did I become a Dominant? One of the many reasons is probably because I couldn't act on or control much of my childhood and I believe that I made a sub-conscious decision way back when that I wouldn't let that happen to me to the extent that it did then. Thank the Maker I didn't become my parents. Having them around on the earth is quite enough. Do I sound bitter? You bet your butt I do, but there's not much I have been able to do or much I can do now aside from improving MYSELF. Since I started doing that six years ago, their influence is no where near what it was before. With the advent of D, my partner, and my best friend, I have reached new heights of being, which is one of the reasons that I can be here talking with you fine folks.

Sorry for the ramble....

Z

(in reply to Kiaban)

Post #: 10

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 1:52:39 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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quote:

In both my own experience, and in almost every submissive woman's as they relate it, there emerges two, coeval responses: X in my life experience contributed, and yet, I've "always been this way."

It really is much like "which came first, the chicken or the egg?". It is easy for me to say that I was born the way that I am. My earliest recollection of fantasies involving bondage were at the age of about 3 or 4. A bit later, I frequently had Ken tie up Barbie. I often fantasized about different TV stars tying me up or spanking me. Where did all of this come from? Well that is a good question. If it didn't come from somewhere inside of myself naturally, then I have no clue.

My nature has always been to please. I have always cared more about making sure others were happy then myself. I worried over every little thing. My mother used to tell me that she swore I would have given myself an ulcer before I turned 5 because I was so worried about everyone else.

Combine all of that with the fact that I was raised in a home where my Father was (and still is) the King of his castle. My Mother was loving and nurturing, stayed home and raised us kids, kept a beautiful home and put nutritious and delicious meals on the table. Most of all she adored my Dad. We grew up with a very strong foundation built on morals, values, principles and respect. We were not abused, far from it, but we were disciplined. But we all respected my Father above all else. We were taught to call people Sir and Ma'am, Mr. and Mrs.

So as I came into my own, I guess that I really only did what I knew...all that I have ever known. What felt right. When I met my first Dom at 15, I knew nothing about Dominance and submission. I simply did what was natural for me...and I honestly didn't even realize at the time that it was any different than what everyone else does. It was just right.

The only thing that I can say with any degree of certainty is that I am exactly who I am supposed to be. Be it born this way or through social influence....it's just right and that is all that matters.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 11

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 1:56:45 PM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

I don't disagree with the fact that I may have had inclinations when I was a child - yes I had thoughts of bondage... yes I served when I was a child... however, that was not to do with my parents, that is what I evolved into. That wasn't so much nurture, but what I was. Was it because I saw my parents do it? No. Was it something genetic? Well, not via my parents... maybe somewhere down the gene pool, who knows...

Wehn my children grew up - I gave my son the ability to choose dolls or trucks... same thing for my daughter. Nothing was pushed, they just had the advantage of both in their toybox - Now, my son played with the dolls up to a point, but it was pretty early when he prefered the trucks... I didn't nurture it, he just prefered. Now my sons friend who I looked after right up to the age of eight(24 hrs a day - not just babysat), had the same choice from the box - yet chose the dolls and the teddybears. Again - that childs personal choice.

So I always struggle with the thought that its just our parents that help us what we are. I truely believe it is in us to walk the path we do. Some people struggle and give in - others struggle and move on - personal inbuilt choice.

Peace and Love

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 12

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 2:25:05 PM

BobcatsLilMinx

Posts: 201
Joined: 4/8/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

How many here tied up/tortured their barbie dolls?

[shyly puts her hand up]

I've been fascinated by BDSM since I was about 8 years old, although of course I didn't know what to call it. Self-bondage, fantasies of rape, abduction, making my Ken doll abduct and do dreadful things to my Barbie's... All of this started inside of me from an incredibly young age.
I believe my parents had a lot to do with my submissive nature - from as early as I can remember, I have spent my life trying to please them, trying to be the perfect kid that they would approve of and love. Really really unhealthy upbringing - but this just happens to be the way I turned out, and I don't believe that in itself is unhealthy. I don't see that this upbringing affected my sexuality though - I know plenty of submissive women who aren't into kinky sex, and plenty of women who like being kinky in the bedroom, but would never dream of being a man's slave. So I'm inclined to think that they're two seperate issues - one of which was affected by my parents, the other of which wasn't.

Minx

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 13

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 3:10:00 PM

kisshou

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I ditched Ken and confiscated my older brothers GI Joe. In my play GI Joe led a crack team of paratroopers (those little green army men with the attached parachutes) who descended on Barbie's van and abducted her. Barbie always ended up bound, spread eagle and nude *grins*

As far as my parents influence they taught me to value myself and that every individual is unique and posesses their own talents. Just as in the case of mistoferin my nature has always been to please. Being of service to others has always given me a thrill. My submissive nature has long annoyed my older sister (she is definately dominant) who used to make me chant 'you are a warrior' **lol** As much as she tried to nurture a dominant nature in me , nature won out easily!

(in reply to BobcatsLilMinx)

Post #: 14

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 3:38:20 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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I was actually raised to be as my personality is- very independent, very self-sufficient and very dominant.

My orientation however was always as a slave.

My mother taught me to be who I am, not compromise my values and stand up for myself.

I doubt she ever thought I'd use those skills to become the happy piece of property I am now, but it seems to work great.

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 15

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 3:50:18 PM

Isolde

Posts: 213
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: Hamilton, Ontario
Status: offline

I don't know that my parents had anything to do with my being submissive. I can't think back to anything in my childhood that might have encouraged me one way or the other to have the feelings I had then, and still have now.

I can remember watching _Return of the Jedi_, rapt, for the scenes where Princess Leia was dressed up as a slavegirl. I worked out little cheerleading routines to Laura Branigan's 'Self Control'. Feeling happier when I had structure, and routine, and daily rituals, and knew what was expected of me, and was rewarded and encouraged and loved on for doing these things quickly and well. I became teacher's pet throughout most of my elemnatry and junior high school career for just that reason. ;)

I remember my mom catching me drawing mermaids, collared and chained, when I was twelve and her teasing me about it, but that's the only memory I do have where I can connect my parents with my submissive impulses. So I guess I fall more into the 'nature' camp.

_____________________________

"One is never so dangerous when one has no shame, than when one has grown too old to blush."
Marquis de Sade

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 16

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 4:18:45 PM

CalliopePurple

Posts: 2539
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: SeaTac area
Status: offline

It's always been my nature to take care of people and offer whatever support and protection I can, even when I was a kid and looking out for my sister who was a couple years younger than me.

Did I have to do that? No, I could have let her fend for herself and probably end up getting in a lot of trouble. But I'm a protector and I think I've found someone recently that enjoys being protected just as much as she enjoys taking care of me in other ways. Hooray for being able to recognize the girl I was falling for as submissive.

_____________________________

Kimi ni aitakute dare yori mo aitakute
hajimete kimi ni atta hoshizora no shita de.
Kimi ni tsutaetai todokanai omoi demo
boku no kokoro wa mada kimi o sagashiteiru.

Gackt - Kimi ni Aitakute

(in reply to Isolde)

Post #: 17

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 4:23:40 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Except that "nurturer" and "protector" are not submissive only traits. Lots of dominants are nurturers and protectors.

(in reply to CalliopePurple)

Post #: 18

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 4:53:09 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

My 2 Cents

As i have just finished discussing the the topic with my mother. (as she knows pretty much the "foundation" of my relationship with Master. He is dominant and i am submissive.

She thinks its nurture as she's always been submissive, but kept under the thumb of her parents and then my father. But she "broke" free and is now dominant and controlling (prolly always was controlling). We we agree she broke free as when she let others control her life they did a crap job of it. Really i think she is only dominant as a "safety" measure.

Now i am submissive. My mother being emotionally controlling but never around as a kid. My stepfather "power" struggling with me. My father who wasnt around either was extremely dominant. i grew up submissive to my mother, a pleaser, alwys worried about her happiness. Yet i had no control or discipline in my life. Except oddly my life was "controlled" as a child. Which i aslo "broke" free of at 14, but yet came back to it years later.

Though we went next to how ppl can have "both" dominant and submissive in them, its just about what fullfills them.

Then of course i broached a subject i've never broached with her. Talk about embarressing ones self!

My conclusion is : it is both. i think we all have the tendencies (as can do it) and its about what fullfills you. That nuture shapes nature. Oh so slightly.

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 5/17/2005 5:38:38 PM >

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 19

RE: Parents influence - 5/17/2005 5:20:20 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Anyways inspite of not putting much stock in it, just wondering what other people's experience was and if they think thier parents influenced thier 'dom or subness".

My mother laid down the law. My father enforced it. I guess he was her right hand man. They are both pretty dominant by nature to be honest. With my mother it's more from the inside out. She is a true leader and somewhat of a micromanager. With my dad it is more a socially dominant/ extrovert force.

I don't believe their relationship was D/s at all. They always seemed more like the equal perfect partners then lovers.

I like to think that I have got a bit of both in my character. I have my father's strong social presence and my mother's strong inner strength.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Kiaban)

Post #: 20

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