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Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 8:31:19 PM

straponwings

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/15/2007
From: Raleigh, NC
Status: offline

I'm new to the scene and have recently found a dom that's offered to show me the "ropes" as it were. In the beginning, I thought it was awesome, but the more I'm learning, the less I realize that he knows. Today, he was suppose to come visit and said that he wanted to bring a friend for me to "entertain". I've only even known -him- for about a month and I told him I really wasn't comfortable with "favoring" strangers, even if they are his friends at this point. His response was that it wasn't a matter of my comfort and so I told him no and I think he changed his mind about coming over because of my response. Who, if anyone, was in the wrong here? I accept criticism, but please don't be rude if you think I am.

_____________________________

It's unlike me to look at boys when the girls are packing toys, I can dig that scene alright.

Post #: 1

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 8:46:33 PM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

It sounds to me like a case of miscommunication. He apparently thought you were ok with it either by assuming it or by default (never really discussing it). Maybe he assumed that once he got you emotionally hooked you would aquiesce to any demand he made of you - his mistake. You either have to sit down and really discuss limits and what you want and are willing to give to the relationship and what he expects and wants and see if there is enough common ground to make the relationship work.

Don't allow him to bulldoze you into thinking it's not a matter of your comfort - yes subs do things for their doms they maybe are not thrilled to do, but this usually doesn't happen within the first month with a dom who doesn't even own you yet. Sounds like he's trying to take advantage of you - perhaps - i prolly shouldn't judge but it sure sounds like it. Don't compromise what you might regret doing later - it's not worth it.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to straponwings)

Post #: 2

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 8:48:39 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

There's two types of dominants, if you want to boil it down that fine. The first group are those that consider the tenets of their role seriously. All about pleasing the Dom(me)/Master/Mistress. Whatever that person wants, they get. The feelings for the 'property' can be discounted or gone unacknowledged. In a word, selfish.

The second group is more concerned about the growth of the submissive, the journey, especially with someone who is new. Things progress at a different pace, and the point is to make that new submissive comfortable in the choice that they have made (to submit). The attention is directed 'outward' from the dominant, rather than inward.

On the surface, neither is 'wrong'. But if you consider the majority of the wankers, trolls, users and abusers that one is likely to find, you will probably notice that they all fall into the first category.

The phrase 'not a matter of your comfort'. Well, there's some truth to that. It wouldn't necessarily be 'submitting' if it were 'easy'. But is that what you need in this part of your journey? How was an event like this handled in your negotiations?

Just my take.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to straponwings)

Post #: 3

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 8:48:43 PM

soultoshare

Posts: 519
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

Follow your guts, dear! I discovered today that him demanding something that I am not comfortable with, it was an agreed upon, never to be breached, hard limit, is a serious breach of trust. (Contrary to popular belief, just because he wants something does NOT mean that you have to do it. This is a two way street, regardless of what he thinks. And if he doesn't believe it, then you'll need to rethink if he's what you want.) He shouldn't be pushing you into something you're not comfortable with, especially if it's only after a month. And him not showing up based on your response is just childish.....sort of like stomping off in a huff to go off and pout. The comment you make about him not seeming to know as much as you think he should, or has led you to believe he does, is at least a yellow flag to me.

Just my .02
m

(in reply to straponwings)

Post #: 4

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 8:54:11 PM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: straponwings

I'm new to the scene and have recently found a dom that's offered to show me the "ropes" as it were. In the beginning, I thought it was awesome, but the more I'm learning, the less I realize that he knows. Today, he was suppose to come visit and said that he wanted to bring a friend for me to "entertain". I've only even known -him- for about a month and I told him I really wasn't comfortable with "favoring" strangers, even if they are his friends at this point. His response was that it wasn't a matter of my comfort and so I told him no and I think he changed his mind about coming over because of my response. Who, if anyone, was in the wrong here? I accept criticism, but please don't be rude if you think I am.

IMHO thisis not about YOU. It is about him. If he cannot respect you, no matter how young or old your relationship is,and you have discussed this, then he is not looking out for you but for only himself. A D has another half, an s and there must be responsiblity for that other half.

If the relationship is based solely on the external gratifiction of BDSM, I am wrong.

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to straponwings)

Post #: 5

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 8:55:08 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

After only a month, it is definately within your right to tel him something isnt comfortable. If he cannot accept that, then you are better off without his visit. Honestly, when you are stil working out the dynamic in the relationship, assuming that everything you want wil be just fine with your new partner is absurd. If you cant be an adult about being told no, then you shouldnt be a Dom. Not every activity goes oever well with ever sub. Cookie cuttermolds of what you MUST have with a sub just sets you up for disappointment when someone doesnt fit your mold.
You were not wrong. If it dosnt make you comfortable, especialy early on, the it just doesnt happen. In a good relationship, even later on if something doesnt sit well it should still be within someones rights to say so. But thats just my opinion.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to soultoshare)

Post #: 6

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 8:57:27 PM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

There's two types of dominants, if you want to boil it down that fine. The first group are those that consider the tenets of their role seriously. All about pleasing the Dom(me)/Master/Mistress. Whatever that person wants, they get. The feelings for the 'property' can be discounted or gone unacknowledged. In a word, selfish.

The second group is more concerned about the growth of the submissive, the journey, especially with someone who is new. Things progress at a different pace, and the point is to make that new submissive comfortable in the choice that they have made (to submit). The attention is directed 'outward' from the dominant, rather than inward.

On the surface, neither is 'wrong'. But if you consider the majority of the wankers, trolls, users and abusers that one is likely to find, you will probably notice that they all fall into the first category.

The phrase 'not a matter of your comfort'. Well, there's some truth to that. It wouldn't necessarily be 'submitting' if it were 'easy'. But is that what you need in this part of your journey? How was an event like this handled in your negotiations?

Just my take.

Jeff

This response ties in very nicely with the thoughts I was seeking on the internal / external bonding thread I wrote of..... thank you for this.

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 7

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 8:58:19 PM

leatherorlace

Posts: 215
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline

The god's are punishing you for disliking the soar of the eagle and the deliciously deviant interactions that can take place at an outdoor venue near water and trees and,,,, hehehheheeee
I had the distinct impression that you already recognize the faults in that scenario, especially with someone that you know isn't experienced, just hornified.
Gentry

(in reply to straponwings)

Post #: 8

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 8:59:18 PM

maybemaybenot

Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline

I guess I am a bit confused, what does " show you the ropes " mean ? I am not sure what that type of relationship entails or how it developes or if this is a Dom who is just having and teaching you kinky sexual acts.

I don't think either of you were in the wrong, I think neither of you have had discussions about what you are willing to submit to and what you are not. Or the communications was sketchy. So you and he both are kind of operating in the dark with no foundation to build on. You say you are new to this, take your time and figure out what it is you want from it and what you are willing to give.

mbmbn

_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

(in reply to straponwings)

Post #: 9

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 9:22:58 PM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

There's two types of dominants, if you want to boil it down that fine. The first group are those that consider the tenets of their role seriously. All about pleasing the Dom(me)/Master/Mistress. Whatever that person wants, they get. The feelings for the 'property' can be discounted or gone unacknowledged. In a word, selfish.

The second group is more concerned about the growth of the submissive, the journey, especially with someone who is new. Things progress at a different pace, and the point is to make that new submissive comfortable in the choice that they have made (to submit). The attention is directed 'outward' from the dominant, rather than inward.

On the surface, neither is 'wrong'. But if you consider the majority of the wankers, trolls, users and abusers that one is likely to find, you will probably notice that they all fall into the first category.

Wow--what an ineresting post. You can divide up all doms into a facile binary opposite pairing, one group bad, and then the group you self-identify with as good. It's amazing to think you can reduce the complexeties of human sexuality and relationships to a simple binary. Conveniently self-serving too.

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 10

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 9:40:38 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

IMO you handled it perfectly and amazingly well. I wish I could frame this and show it to every other sub whose "dom" tries a bait and switch on them and tell them this is how to deal with it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to straponwings)

Post #: 11

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 9:47:18 PM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

I feel bad for all the people who say they're submissive and are so eager to please they end up being taken advantage of. Although some disagree, the submissive one sets the pace. This is less true for M/s relationships and more true of D/s relationships. The sub always has the option of leaving/quitting his or her Dom/mes service. I'm training My Pet to be strong and wary of other's intent.

You did well. Perhaps you need someone more... teching-friendly to show you the ropes.

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 12

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 9:56:10 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

I can almost hear the conversation with his friend before he called you.....

"Dom": Dude, I met this chick...she is really wild.

Friend: Oh yeah?

"Dom": Serious dude, she's is really kinky and shit. She's like...a....
a submissive ya know.

Friend: What's that?

"Dom": You know...she likes it real kinky and she is all about pleasing me and shit. Submissive.

Friend: Ya lucky fucker!

"Dom": Yeah, this chick will do anything I tell her to do. She even calls me Sir.

Friend: Anything? Like what you mean?

"Dom": Well, if I tell her to blow me she will just say "yes, Sir" and drop to her knees and go for it.

Friend: Wow, that's fuckin awesome....will she let you fuck her in the ass?

"Dom": Dude, I'm telling you....ANYTHING. That's what these....submissives....DO....anything for their Dominates....that's me....I am her Dominate because I dominate her.

Friend: Well now I'm really curious....could you tell her to go down on another chick and she'd do that?

"Dom": Duuuuuuuude......ANYthing.

Friend: Fuck, I'd have to see it to believe it man....if you told her to blow me would she do that too?

"Dom": Yeah.....if I told her to.

Friend: Well what the hell are we doing here then man?...call her up and tell her we're coming over.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to straponwings)

Post #: 13

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 10:24:05 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

lol mistoferin! You are good with a hammer there! lol Thanks!

straponwings... You are not collared to this person. You are new to the lifestyle and this person knew that. Showing you the ropes... yes he did... he showed you what a jerk some people can be in the lifestyle (or anywhere else). He was not acting like a man with your best interest at heart. I don't care what he was doing... right or wrong... in my book he was wrong to take a new lifestyler, act as if he was being kind to show her the ropes and abused the power of the Dom nic (in his case) and then subject her to exactly what he should have been protecting her from!

From what other's have said... next time you will know to put a few demands out before someone else shows you the ropes... for that you might thank him... but kudo's to you for how you handled that situation! I wish all submissives meeting up with a troll type could manage what you did!

Lockit

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 14

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 10:58:50 PM

straponwings

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/15/2007
From: Raleigh, NC
Status: offline

Thank you everyone for your advice! I'm thinking that I'd be safest just making friends for now. I know there are meetings in my area where doms and subs alike get together, so maybe once I've been around them for a while, I'll know more about my own preferences and be able to go from there.

_____________________________

It's unlike me to look at boys when the girls are packing toys, I can dig that scene alright.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 15

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/23/2007 11:10:52 PM

robertolapiedra

Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

Hello straponwings. I think you have some good natural talent in the 'discernement' department. You already know the guy's a phony and you respected a 'personal' limit. Don't change a thing, keep that radar going and you will be fine. RL.

Edited: typo

< Message edited by robertolapiedra -- 5/23/2007 11:31:26 PM >

(in reply to straponwings)

Post #: 16

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/24/2007 1:46:14 AM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

You asserted your hard limit. If he does not like it, that is his problem. Move on to a respectful partner.

(in reply to robertolapiedra)

Post #: 17

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/24/2007 4:29:55 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Faramir

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

There's two types of dominants, if you want to boil it down that fine. The first group are those that consider the tenets of their role seriously. All about pleasing the Dom(me)/Master/Mistress. Whatever that person wants, they get. The feelings for the 'property' can be discounted or gone unacknowledged. In a word, selfish.

The second group is more concerned about the growth of the submissive, the journey, especially with someone who is new. Things progress at a different pace, and the point is to make that new submissive comfortable in the choice that they have made (to submit). The attention is directed 'outward' from the dominant, rather than inward.

On the surface, neither is 'wrong'. But if you consider the majority of the wankers, trolls, users and abusers that one is likely to find, you will probably notice that they all fall into the first category.

Wow--what an ineresting post. You can divide up all doms into a facile binary opposite pairing, one group bad, and then the group you self-identify with as good. It's amazing to think you can reduce the complexeties of human sexuality and relationships to a simple binary. Conveniently self-serving too.

While I hold no personal stake in this matter, the point that 'me Me ME' dominants have never made much sense to me personally holds true. I did at least say that that approach is not 'necessarily' wrong, as I'm certain that there are 'responsible' dominants that fall into this category (and obviously submissives who love them). But mistoferin rather points out a likely predator scenario, yes?

Being self-absorbed never seemed interesting to me to approach a relationship in that manner. What I gain from my endeavors has always been more subtle. It's far more delicious to see the evolution of another with the understanding that at least I was at the core of those changes. That's usually enough for me.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 18

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/24/2007 5:02:06 AM

WillowRain

Posts: 191
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: straponwings

I'm new to the scene and have recently found a dom that's offered to show me the "ropes" as it were. In the beginning, I thought it was awesome, but the more I'm learning, the less I realize that he knows. Today, he was suppose to come visit and said that he wanted to bring a friend for me to "entertain". I've only even known -him- for about a month and I told him I really wasn't comfortable with "favoring" strangers, even if they are his friends at this point. His response was that it wasn't a matter of my comfort and so I told him no and I think he changed his mind about coming over because of my response. Who, if anyone, was in the wrong here? I accept criticism, but please don't be rude if you think I am.

Okay, I'll bite and play devil's advocate.What did he mean by "entertain." If he wanted to see if you had any flair for being a hostess and wanted you to serve tea and some sandwiches to him and I friend, then I don't really get your reluctance. Maybe even if he wanted you to do something mild like take the guests coat and hang it up. That I could see as being something not in the "scary" realm. But... if he expected you to offer sexual favors to a stranger, you've only known him a month, he isn't "your dominant", I'd run for the hills personally. It's all about what you and he are comfortable with. I'm sure there is some submissive that would be tingling to the toes at the prospect of being used by strangers like that. And personally, I would count both described males as strangers considering the length of time they have been known to you. Good luck in your journey!

(in reply to straponwings)

Post #: 19

RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/24/2007 5:16:15 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

Do you honestly think this guy was interested in tea service?

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to WillowRain)

Post #: 20

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