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at a loss - 5/24/2007 7:56:57 PM   
lucyinthesky


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/24/2006
Status: offline 		..I really dont even know what to ask, im so frustrated with myself and how things are going that i dont think there even Is an up and down anymore.    
    I recently had a section and my other half an i are very proude of our first and only daughter, and i want to give her everything and be a great mom.  i know that.   but thats not what bothers me so.    ..my other half takes my postpartum anger and tears calmly and keeps telling me i dont have a self to Give to him.   now we've been together for 7 years..and he's just now telling me this...   and now we've spent the past three months terse and unhappy with eachother, and the past two weeks with me pissed and him upset and confused. 
    how he can be confused is beyond me, thers a line where to much of Any behaviour is too much..  im all for chivalry.. i hold doors open for other people, its nice when they hold them for me.   but im not a china doll..im not going to hate him if he stops acting like an over chivalrous gallahad, and playing perfect father and husband.  
    ...i have No idea what to do..ive never been this at a loss for what to do, with myself with him with Anything.   i knew having a daughter would change things, and being a parent means you can never go back to how things where, but this...this is beyond rediculous..    at this point even angry sex wouldnt clear the air because he'd be right back to his over zelous support and sweet cuddlings.  i keep trying and trying to talk to him, but im having a hard time makeng things clear in my Own head...  
    im starting to think we may have to give up our lifestyle, and that breaks my heart and makes me feel even more lost, and worse, alone and in the dark with the duties of a mother and no Support, no Anchor and no way to be who i am, How i am.   ..i want to punch something, i want to scream, to cry to do Something and nothing works.. 
     i dont want to regret the little girl i love just because she's the only thing i have left she didnt ask to be born to this..she was a little unplanned but she's still a miricle, i probably sound apsolutely horrible, please i dont want anyone to think badly of me, i just...dont know what ealse to do but to ask.. even if im not sure what question can possibly yeild an answer to aid.     
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RE: at a loss - 5/24/2007 8:09:28 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		ok...trying to get to this....give me latitude for more questions than answers:  Is your other half being too kind to you because you just gave birth?  Do you want him to go back to being the person you knew prior?  Do you feel like he is coddling you?  Petting you too much as it were?

Post partum is VERY stressful for many women and to me...this is my opinion...if I read correctly it sounds like he's trying to be a supportive father now...he is going through and upheaval as much as you are.  He may not quite know what to do himself. 

I strongly suggest you give your precious one to grandma or someone for a half a day and just sit and talk through with this man how you feel and that you are ok with increasing the levels of "domliness".  Post partum depression is a VERY real thing and if he's spent time reading about it he may be grossly aware this could consume you and is simply trying to make things easier....

Am I getting your post at all or am I way off base as to your issue?

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RE: at a loss - 5/24/2007 8:14:42 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Start going to therapy, preferably couples therapy.

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RE: at a loss - 5/24/2007 8:28:38 PM   
Masque66


Posts: 185
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		Only talking from anecdotal experience here, but having a child changes everything for both parties.  Becoming a father, realizing that a life you helped create is now your primary responsibility, can be just as trying.  He might simply need to remember that even though he's a father now, he still needs to be your lover as well.  Perhaps even that he still gets to be so.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: at a loss - 5/24/2007 8:38:18 PM   
lucyinthesky


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/24/2006
Status: offline 		his mother is staying with us for a while untill where settled, or as settled as she thinks we need to be.  ive been eternaly greatfull for her help just thus far, she's been helping me deal with her case of thrush, and the diaper rash that came up, i had no idea that three weeks was a long enough time already for her to develope Anything..     mabye it would be best for us if we let her watch her for the day and we sat out on the pourch and talked.. or mabye we do need couples therapy.    ...it is terrifying, suddenly realising your chapter has closed to open on a brand new book, mahap im approaching and talking to him all wrong?...im not a male, i dont know how men think but,   ...aside from father and husband..  i would like my lover and my Sir back..very ...very much so

thank you, earthycouple, luckyalbatross, masque66

< Message edited by lucyinthesky -- 5/24/2007 8:41:42 PM >

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RE: at a loss - 5/24/2007 8:40:47 PM   
smilingjaguar


Posts: 271
Status: offline 		I agree with earthycouple about talking to him.  It doesn't sound like the "self" comment was being made cruelly.   It sounds from here like he wants you in an emotionally healthy state and realizes that right now you are not in one.  You've been through a lot recently with the birth of an unplanned baby and all that entails along with the section.  If it's been more than a few weeks and things aren't getting better, please talk to your doctor.  You aren't a horrible mom or a horrible person.  I went through postpartum depression with my second um and waited almost 6 months to bring it up.  I suffered needlessly for 6 months and I wasn't the best mother I could be for my kids in the meantime.  I'm not advocating taking a pill if it's not needed.  I'm just trying to give my 2 cents for what it's worth.

As far as my Sir goes, he did not pick the dynamic back up during that time.  It was in heavy hibernation because of my first um's medical issues, and he waited until I was in a good enough emotional state to pick things back up.  The household was in survival mode, and while I may have thought I wanted the intense dynamic back, looking back it would have been a terrible mistake to have that weight on top of everything else. 

For the post hawks:  Yes, I'm bipolar.  I'm a manic bipolar 98% of the time, so 6 months of untreated depression was and still is the strangest emotional state I have ever been in.

(in reply to earthycouple)
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RE: at a loss - 5/24/2007 8:51:21 PM   
lucyinthesky


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/24/2006
Status: offline 		..ive read a little about it but im getting the image rapidly that post partum is more serious then i've pegged it,.   ...could this be why where not connecting..well at least that would be an answer..    theres something to do about it then, talk to my doctor as well, that sounds like sound advice to me if it helps us,   heck ^.^'..if talking to a penguine would help us id book a flight to the south pole.   
thank you smilingjaguar

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RE: at a loss - 5/24/2007 9:47:41 PM   
smilingjaguar


Posts: 271
Status: offline 		I hear you about the penguin.

Find time to talk to your other half alone even if it is on the front porch and tell him you need a calm discussion about what's been going on.  If you think it might be postpartum, tell him so and see what his reaction is to talking to your doc.  Mine's answer was that he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but I did need some help he couldn't provide.  The answer in these cases is almost always calm, rational, open discussion of the emotions and options available.

Your life has just been turned completely upside down.  It takes a bit to ride out the waves and find your rhythm, but with a little work it is possible.

(in reply to lucyinthesky)
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RE: at a loss - 5/24/2007 9:51:50 PM   
domtimothy46176


Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucyinthesky

his mother is staying with us for a while untill where settled, or as settled as she thinks we need to be.  ive been eternaly greatfull for her help just thus far, she's been helping me deal with her case of thrush, and the diaper rash that came up, i had no idea that three weeks was a long enough time already for her to develope Anything..     mabye it would be best for us if we let her watch her for the day and we sat out on the pourch and talked.. or mabye we do need couples therapy.    ...it is terrifying, suddenly realising your chapter has closed to open on a brand new book, mahap im approaching and talking to him all wrong?...im not a male, i dont know how men think but,   ...aside from father and husband..  i would like my lover and my Sir back..very ...very much so

thank you, earthycouple, luckyalbatross, masque66


One thing I've learned since toy and I had a child is this:  After months of pregnancy and weeks of recuperation, I had lost my ability to intuitively know what toy needed.  I was much more concerned with ensuring she was completely recovered than the possibility that I was coddling her to point of her feeling useless and neglected. 

It's not terribly difficult for someone to take over-protectiveness too far.  The best way to broach the subject might be to be very, very blunt.  toy eventually sat down beside me and said, "When are you going to let me serve again?".  Until that point, I didn't realize I was thwarting her attempts to return to service.  I can be dense like that sometimes and I'm certain I'm not alone.

Timothy

(in reply to lucyinthesky)
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RE: at a loss - 5/25/2007 1:15:00 AM   
ennaozzie


Posts: 201
Joined: 5/9/2007
Status: offline 		Print up what you typed and show your other half, and go see a Doctor and have a good checkup after having a baby can do wicked things on all sorts of levels just to make sure you are not lacking in anything or getting to run down, if you dont look after you then you are no good to anyone.

So give yourself a break and if you feel you are been wrapped in cotton wool so to speak open your mouth and say so and what you think.

Look what i have just written is just a few things to think about you will do what ever it is you have to do when you are ready.

but you have a lovely little one and a man that sounds like he is at a loss as to what he is ment to be doing also.

What earthycouple said about letting someone look after the little one for just a bit so you can talk without intruption and other things, so you know you can just talk and not be keeping half a ear out for when baby wakes up.  That is good advice.

All the best to you and yours.

beanie

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RE: at a loss - 5/25/2007 3:41:55 AM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domtimothy46176

quote:

ORIGINAL: lucyinthesky

his mother is staying with us for a while untill where settled, or as settled as she thinks we need to be.  ive been eternaly greatfull for her help just thus far, she's been helping me deal with her case of thrush, and the diaper rash that came up, i had no idea that three weeks was a long enough time already for her to develope Anything..     mabye it would be best for us if we let her watch her for the day and we sat out on the pourch and talked.. or mabye we do need couples therapy.    ...it is terrifying, suddenly realising your chapter has closed to open on a brand new book, mahap im approaching and talking to him all wrong?...im not a male, i dont know how men think but,   ...aside from father and husband..  i would like my lover and my Sir back..very ...very much so

thank you, earthycouple, luckyalbatross, masque66


One thing I've learned since toy and I had a child is this:  After months of pregnancy and weeks of recuperation, I had lost my ability to intuitively know what toy needed.  I was much more concerned with ensuring she was completely recovered than the possibility that I was coddling her to point of her feeling useless and neglected. 

It's not terribly difficult for someone to take over-protectiveness too far.  The best way to broach the subject might be to be very, very blunt.  toy eventually sat down beside me and said, "When are you going to let me serve again?".  Until that point, I didn't realize I was thwarting her attempts to return to service.  I can be dense like that sometimes and I'm certain I'm not alone.

Timothy



Beautiful Timothy....you took the male perspective right from the mouth of this female....that's exactly what I wanted to convey.  Poor men...when post partum hits, even if not coupled with depression can suck for you guys...we women are a barrel of all sorts of weird emotions and learning curves are all around us.  This I hope is simply another for them....but talking through should help and if talking between the two doesn't...of course get that councilling.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to domtimothy46176)
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RE: at a loss - 5/25/2007 3:45:35 AM   
soultoshare


Posts: 519
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		OK, i skipped thru some of the posts, as they were pretty much saying the same thing to you.....the issue i want to approach is postpartum depression....it is HORRENDOUS, TERRIBLE and.regardless of what your doc says, a VERY REAL threat to your well-being.  I suffered terribly, to the extent to where i actually hated myself, my um and my husband...of course, he left for a short tour to korea when my um was 6 mos old, and i really fell apart.  If you're not breast feeding, then i would honestly advise you to discuss w/your doc about a mild anti-depressant.  They don't make you dopey, they don't make you high, they enable you to function as a normal human being.  (unbeknownst to me, chemically deficient depression runs in the family, explains alot....had I known this when I gave birth, i think it would have been a much better experience for me.)  It's not just your "female" hormones that are all screwed up, when you stop and think of the major changes that pregnancy put your body through,  it's no surpise it takes so long for everything to come back to normal. 

As for your Sir.....speaking as a mom, new dads go through a lot of things themselves....they have this new little being to take care of, everyone is "there for mom", but very rarely does anyone stop to think about how it affects dad.  My ex wouldn't let me do even more than he wouldn't let me do prior to giving birth.....this from a guy who used to go straight to bed with the slightest of sniffles!  I'm not sure if you had a c section, all your post mentions is a section, but i'm sure that adds to his concern level.  Sit down, and talk to him, but also, let him know that if he has concerns, he needs to let you know.....sometimes men don't realize that women are alot tougher than we are.....hell, we give birth!  I believe someone mentioned just flat out asking him when you can serve him again.....do it!  But also, on another note, the new um is a huge upheaval to your lives, new schedules, new priorities......just take one hurdle or step at a time.....as many here can tell you, it is possible to have the life and um's at the same time.

OK, off the soapbox......take care of ALL of you, congrats on the new addition.  Enjoy each and every minute....mine just turned 22, seems like just a few years ago, he was just a little guy learning to walk!  If you want someone to listen, holler at me on the other side......

m

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RE: at a loss - 5/25/2007 4:02:11 AM   
Aileen68


Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline 		I think you should definitely talk to your doctor, but I think you are both just adjusting to having a baby.  They turn your world completely upside down and if you've been with him for seven years then there's a lot of changes to your relationship that have to be dealt with.  Add in the lack of sleep and the added pressure of caring for a wee one and there you have it...emotional chaos.  It's actually pretty normal  what the two of you are going through.  Also...don't forget that he now has to see you in a new role.  You're the mother of his child.  That can be overwhelming for him too.

(in reply to lucyinthesky)
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RE: at a loss - 5/25/2007 5:29:59 AM   
ExtremeOwnerIL


Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline 		Each and every one of my children brought about a different type of reaction, but one thing was the same - my life was turned upside down. There were mental and emotional and spiritual effects and changes that rolled through me daily. That, coupled with the stress of a newborn (and first time parents feel this 10x worse than the second or third child) and it was like I went through a personality change. Here was this new precious life I had brought to the world - who the hell was I?

I agree with the other gentleman that posted - overprotectiveness and not knowing your partner's mental/emotional/spiritual whereabouts is something I went through as well. Not to mention the sheer dynamic of our lives, our rhythms has just been replaced with a new flow and dynamic - there's a new person in the house. For me (and based on discussions with other fathers), my whole world had changed and I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. It took me awhile to catch up. Add my wife's postpartum depression and there were days I felt like a leaf in a tornado. It did get better.

I  don't know how to say this any other way than that things will never be the same. Yes, in time, he'll readjust to the new reality, the new dynamic and his personality will come back to the fore. He is,  however, forever changed. I know I was. Those changes can be profound and they will cement the type of father he's going to be. You've got a new life in your house and if he was like me, then the whole balance of what we knew just got changed. I had to process that and figure out what it all meant, and I imagine he will to.

Yes, have a talk, but be prepared to hear that he doesn't know. He's human - and sometimes us guys have to really chew on the brain gum for a long time to figure it out. If you are of service to him, the best service you can give right now is patience and support - as much support as he's giving you.

Be prepared that you are going to have a change to your lifestyle - that things are now and forever altered. Will you find the Man you once knew? Oh yes, but he is going to be more now - he's a Father and if he's a good one, you're going to see that added to the mix.

Many blessings and good fortune to you, him and your baby! Congratulations!
Regards,
EO


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RE: at a loss - 5/25/2007 5:33:46 AM   
ExtremeOwnerIL


Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: earthycouple

quote:

ORIGINAL: domtimothy46176

It's not terribly difficult for someone to take over-protectiveness too far.  The best way to broach the subject might be to be very, very blunt.  toy eventually sat down beside me and said, "When are you going to let me serve again?".  Until that point, I didn't realize I was thwarting her attempts to return to service.  I can be dense like that sometimes and I'm certain I'm not alone.



Beautiful Timothy....you took the male perspective right from the mouth of this female....that's exactly what I wanted to convey.  Poor men...when post partum hits, even if not coupled with depression can suck for you guys...we women are a barrel of all sorts of weird emotions and learning curves are all around us.  This I hope is simply another for them....but talking through should help and if talking between the two doesn't...of course get that councilling.


One other thing to add to the two excellent comments is to be patient and give it time. Talk, yes, but also realize that it took 9 months to have that baby, it's going to take 21+ years to watch them leave the nest and all of this is going to be constant adjustments and readjustments. I think that "return to service" on either side is very dependent on so many things - it can and will take time. The rush to "go back to service" is something that is going to have to flow naturally for them both - pushing the issue will only confuse a guy's mental stability - which if this father was like me, is a bit shakey for a few months after a baby is born.

Kindest regards,
EO


_____________________________

Some of my thoughts on Ownership:

http://extremeowner.blogspot.com/

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RE: at a loss - 5/25/2007 5:51:14 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Give it time. You said you just recently went through the birthing process. Having this little bundle of joy is not easy, even under the best of circumstances, especially when it's the first one and you're unsure of what to do with this little creature.

Your life has just changed in a drastic way. It will never be the same as it was before, but soon, this new dynamic will feel normal. Talk to your doctor, even if you have the light form of PPD, "baby blues". You sound like you are a wit's end with your spouse and are ready to throw in the towel, but stop and think for a minute. Is that rational? Is it logical? Most probably not. It sounds like he's trying to be supportive, and he's doing what he feels is best. Communicate ~calmly~, without blame, shame, or guilt hurled at him, and tell him what you want and need. Work together within this new family situation to build a relationship that is comfortable for you both. It won't happen over night and it will be ~work~ so don't expect to wake up in the morning completely fulfilled.

Pull yourself together, wade into this new family dynamic, and realize that things are totally different now. Change is hard. After you talk with your doctor and your hormones get more back in whack, go to therapy if you still aren't happy. Look at yourself, look at your husband, look at your new one, and ask yourself "Am I being selfish?" and then ... answer yourself honestly.

I wish you the best of luck.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: at a loss - 5/25/2007 11:53:54 AM   
jezzabelle


Posts: 391
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Southeastern, MA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucyinthesky

..ive read a little about it but im getting the image rapidly that post partum is more serious then i've pegged it,.   ...could this be why where not connecting..well at least that would be an answer..   


Post partum depression can be very serious.  i think most women, it goes away naturally, others do require medication, counseling, etc.  Having had c-sections with both of my UMs myself, i can tell you from personal experience, that having a c-section certainly helped contribute to my depression with the first UM.  i went through a period where i felt like i had been cheated and had failed as a woman because i wasn't able to give birth to her naturally and for a while felt like i hadn't given birth to her at all, that she was just there (it was an unplanned for emergency c-section).  Add to that the stress from the new UM, the significant recovery from major surgery, crashing hormones, lack of sleep, etc, and you're bound to be having a rough time.  And your partner probably sees all that and is trying to be supportive.  Give him and yourself time to heal and adjust.  He's going through a lot now too.  You may be ready to jump back in, but he may not be, especially where you had major surgery and your body needs time to heal and i'm sure he knows that.  As the others suggested, talk to him about things, what's on your mind, what's on his.  Take some time out just for the two of you.  i'm sure it will do the both of you a world of good

(in reply to lucyinthesky)
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RE: at a loss - 5/25/2007 6:17:06 PM   
lucyinthesky


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/24/2006
Status: offline 		first, id just like to thank you all, for your advice, and your wishes ^.^ 
    i let his mum watch her through the evening into the morning, my other half and i are both night time people, and we sat out on the pourch, and we watched the moon, and we talked, for a long time, we took a nap in the morning and then woke this afternoon to talk some more, and i think, we may have a beginning now, to things being a little more okay n_n   
    as it turns out, he was afraid of hurting me, physicly causing me harm, it explains why he kept asking me about my incision, and if i felt any pain..  im a rapid healer, always have been, but he was there for the ordeal, and i think he remembers them cutting Into me, and that must have scared him more then he let on... the chivalry i guess he'd gotten so into over the 9 months just grew out of his concern like a rabid garden avenging weed haha...  
   i am not without my own faults though...so many selves..and only One body...i know Me..but this has sort of skewed my own ..well how i see me, and when im confused and scared i have a bad tendency to push and to snap, and he hasnt spoken back for fear of emotional upheal the same as the concern for physical harm, i guess...  at least thats how i interpreted his guy speak
    in the morning, im giving my doctor a call, and we'll both go from there.     we'll give it time, time for each of us, and our new little girl.   to see where we fit in now, and to ..i guess, to realign us ^.^' ...because there must still be, an US...even now with Her...im sure of it, or i want to be i guess.

(in reply to jezzabelle)
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RE: at a loss - 5/25/2007 9:32:37 PM   
smilingjaguar


Posts: 271
Status: offline 		It sounds like the two of you had a good talk.  Take your time and keep communicating.  I wish you both well.

(in reply to lucyinthesky)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: at a loss - 6/11/2007 7:26:42 PM   
lucyinthesky


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/24/2006
Status: offline 		...im in danger of loosing him now.   yeah...help helped get the truth out alright......but about me, and things i wish id known 9 months prier...   i cant imagine a world without him and now i keep waiting to hear he wants to be rid of me

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