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MaamJay -> RE: What Would YOU Do? (5/27/2007 1:49:33 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MstrssScarlet
At a recent play party, I attended with my collared submissive and a domme friend of his. I'd met her once before and we got along pretty well. It was agreed that all three of us would be playing together that night. No sooner did we get my submissive secured when the other domme stepped up behind him. I watched in horror as she raked her long, sharp nails down his back - breaking the skin. My sub never used his safe word, but I was not happy with what she had done (to say the least). Because he hadn't used his safe word and they were close friends, I did not pull her off right away. I redirected her to some different play that was within the limits of my sub and I. I played very lightly with him the rest of the evening on account of her actions. I apologized to my submissive for not protecting him from this, but I didn't even have time to react. SHE has since called him and apologized, but has not contacted me as he requested.
It's too late for me to do anything but refuse to allow her to play with him again. My question is: What would YOU have done? No criticism required here...I already feel terrible about what happened and learned my lesson with this particular domme.
Mistress Scarlet
From this and Your subsequent posts that I could read (for some strange reason, page 2 of this thread wouldn't load completely!), here's My take on the whole situation:
The core blame lies squarely with the "other Domme". Here's why:
(a) She was the only one who knew what She intended to do ie rake Her nails down his back and break the skin, drawing blood. You are not a mind-reader. From what You said, it seems that play was discussed ... no doubt some things were agreed upon eg obviously it was known that You would be securing Your sub. It's not always feasible to mention everything that might be off-limits if You have no idea that it might be under consideration. It's up to the stranger playing with someone else's sub to suggest to the Owner what they might be interested in doing and asking whether that will be OK or not. She did not.
(b) She has attended play parties before and should be aware of the protocols that typically exist in such venues. Most take a pretty dim view of the random drawing of blood! In fact some stipulate no blood whatsoever and therefore preclude activities such as needle play. Others allow it only in certain parts of the Dungeon with certain precautions such as sterile wipes, plastic drop sheets etc etc. I would be surprised if the venue You were attending didn't have SOME rule in place about blood. Therefore it is highly likely She was also breaking a Dungeon protocol. That would have fetched a stiff warning in Our play parties, especially when it was with someone else's sub and NOT discussed play. She would have been ejected for that.
(c) Drawing blood is such a common limit that it is an arrogant person who leaps in and does that as their very first action of play without asking first. Any Dominant with integrity would not do such a thing. That She did it as Her opening gambit with no lead up (such as gently running Her nails over His skin and gradually increasing the pressure which would have given You and he a chance to speak up) shows Me this was no accident, but a deliberately planned act of sabotage.
(d) I suspect Her motivation is jealousy and sour grapes. She has presumably seen this sub at parties and not bothered to pursue him. Then all of a sudden he turns up collared to You and presumably being a great sub. "Dammit, I missed out! Maybe I can cause them problems, get him to turn away from Her" could easily be the motivation here.
This is not to say I entirely absolve You ... well, I'll bet it's a limit You won't forget to mention in the future! But I can easily understand how it was overlooked. And if You didn't have time to react, neither did Your sub, so the suggestion by another poster that he should have used his safeword is a bit fatuous! he was probably even more gobsmacked than You! And a sub is generally less wired to speak up than a Dominant as he is hesitant to lose face, look weak etc. Also, was he openly privy to what discussions did occur between You and She regarding play? I'm not criticising here, I don't like to reveal EVERYTHING I'm about to do to a sub as it totally removes the element of surprise which can be half the fun. But if You and She had talked separately from him, he could even have thought this was intentional, and that might have taken him a bit to process. Or maybe he was wondering if the intensity was accidental and She just meant to scratch him more lightly. Fortunately it seems that he is a mature sub who has subsequently processed this very well and You and he can use this as a valuable learning experience.
As a general note, what this demonstrates is
* don't be so trusting in terms of allowing others to play with Your sub.
* specifically ask what someone else is intending to do as well as conducting a discussion about limits.
* safewords don't protect someone from a sudden attack, they are really only useful in play that escalates in intensity.
* be very familiar with the protocols of the place in which You are playing. This gives You more clout should something untoward occur.
It would appear You didn't report this to the Dungeon Monitors at the time. This is a great shame for generally they are very concerned about what happens in their space. While I understand You didn't want to create an instant bad scene, You should have had a word to someone there about it at Your first opportunity once Your sub was safely under Your control and away from Her. For all You know, She may have done this kind of thing before and this might be the "3rd strike" they were waiting for to tell Her "That's it! you're out, you're not welcome here anymore". You might have thought it wasn't a serious enough breach of their protocols, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but that's for them to judge.
I do wish You and Your sub the very best in the future.
Maam Jay
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