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RE: Someone new who wants to learn - 5/27/2007 8:43:32 AM

PairOfDimes

Posts: 324
Joined: 7/20/2006
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Yes, most dominants become less awkward and more improved as they grow. I know I have done. When I experienced a significant professional success, I became more confident in all areas of my life, including as a BDSM dominant. I've become more confident and better as a top and sadist as I've played more and improved my precision. I tie my confidence to things verifiable. If I can succeed in accuracy games with my whip, then I feel good about my capacity to use it. If I've been invested with significant authority in my professional life, I must be somewhat competent and thus, the kind of person who is capable of leading others (i.e. dominating). I seem to recall that my approach of knowledge=confidence is some part of my Myers-Briggs type, and thus it's an individual personality thing and may not work for you, but it's worth a try. Generally, get better at self-persuasion--especially when I was new, I found it helpful to give myself a "pep talk" pre-scene about how wonderful and smart and sexy I was, and how it's okay for women to run things, even when there are men involved who aren't running things, and how I'm not a tool of the patriarchy if I'm hurting other women.

So that answers most of your questions. But you asked whether there were dominants who didn't know what to do? I'm sorry, I don't remember experiencing that. I know that I've been unsure about, say, how to establish sexy authority, or how to create specific, narrow pain, but I had identified that that was what I wanted to do--I just needed to learn how to do it. If you don't know what to do, go back to those scary fantasies, and think about what you fantasize about doing, then try to integrate that into interactions with a real, live person.

(in reply to Iwanttolearnhow)

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RE: Someone new who wants to learn - 5/27/2007 7:47:25 PM

Masterman69

Posts: 17
Joined: 4/7/2007
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Seek a HIGHLY experience DOM who will treat you with FRIENDSHIP, COMMUNICATION AND TRUST

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RE: Someone new who wants to learn - 5/27/2007 7:50:14 PM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
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Ah!!!!! i get it now...Troll

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It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
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There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

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RE: Someone new who wants to learn - 5/27/2007 9:01:27 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Masterman69
Seek a HIGHLY experience DOM who will treat you with FRIENDSHIP, COMMUNICATION AND TRUST

Do you know any of those?

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Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: Someone new who wants to learn - 5/27/2007 9:07:39 PM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Masterman69

Seek a HIGHLY experience DOM who will treat you with FRIENDSHIP, COMMUNICATION AND TRUST

I hope you find that experienced DOM you seek, Mm69

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True masters, true subs and slaves, X many years in the lifestyle, Old Guard this and High Protocol that--it's like a convention of D&D nerds were allowed to have sex once, and they decided to make a religion out of it.

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RE: Someone new who wants to learn - 5/28/2007 7:49:53 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
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The most important answer is so obvious, I am amazed someone hasn't mentioned it already (though admittedly I did skim a lot of the posts, I did read them all). It is simply this. Comminicate. When you find someone you think you might want to have a relationship with, talk, talk, talk. What are your favorite kinks, what are hers? What would make you very uncomfortable, what are her hard limits. This will tell you a lot in very short order. Sometimes, no matter how much you like each other, your kinks are just too different to make it work.

There is no relationship whatsoever between dominating someone and treating them like a doormat (unless that happens to be a kink you both enjoy). You come across as a caring individual, so my advice is this: Dominate in ways that build up your sub, make her feel good about herself. Avoid doing anything that would harm her personal integrity. You can whip the crap out of someone while maintaining the mindset of what is best for your sub.

As others have suggested, go slowly at first. I would add, talk about your play sessions afterwards. What worked for her, and for you. What wasn't that great. That is how you build up your skills and also build up the trust needed for a successful fetish relationship.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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You teach best what you have lived.

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RE: Someone new who wants to learn - 5/28/2007 4:43:49 PM

grlneedstolearn

Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
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My Dom is not into treating me like garbage. Yet he has other ways of showing me my place such as a hard swat on my rear, harsh scolding, threatening a hard punishment, etc.

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Post #: 27