Someone new who wants to learn (Full Version)

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Iwanttolearnhow -> Someone new who wants to learn (5/25/2007 9:31:31 PM)

In some respects it is strange, I come on a site like this and I automatically assume that all the doms know what they are doing and how to do it.  I don't know what I am doing really, I admit it.  Right now, all these posts about making a woman cum on demand and whatnot, well, that is a different world for me. Literally, you might as well just ask me to explain to you the theory of relativity!  And then I read some of the female sub's profiles and think, well, a lot of the people who pass themselves off as doms are not really all that dominant... or they fake it... or they are just pretenders.... etc.  I guess I fall in a little different category.  While I consider myself a dom... I crave and maybe even yearn it (I guarantee you ladies don't want to be in my fantasies, or maybe you do given the site I am on!), when I am alone and in a position where it is safe to be who I am, to dominate a woman.  I feel it deep down... but in real time I get all caught up in not wanting to disrespect her (I don't want to date a doormat... but I do want to date a total sub) and so I get nervous and puss out a bit.  What I want to know is...
1. to doms: are there any other doms out there like me, who didn't really know what to do or how to do it at first? Is there anyone who was a little shy or unsure of himself but who got over it? and if so, how did you?
2. to subs: what is the line between following the man you are with and being disrespected and treated like garbage by the man you are with? I don't want to treat who I am with like garbage... but I also want her to know her place.

TJ



CitizenCane -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/25/2007 9:57:12 PM)

There's no need for you to explain the Theory of Relativity, but Guild rules now require all Doms to be able to explain Quantum Mechanics.





santalia -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/25/2007 10:15:26 PM)

Greetings

Perhaps this might not really answer Your question, but if You would like to learn, the best place to start is with real people in real life. Find a munch group in your area. To find one, You can go to www.drkdesyre.com and click on Groups and Organizations. caryl (the person that created that site) has information available on munch groups in hundreds, if not thousands, of places so should have info on one near you.

Attend a munch and talk to people who live this lifestyle, either living it in a play setting or 24/7. They will be able and happy to help you start out, teaching you not only technique but also theory - the principles we live by in the lifestyle. Most of those principles are universal ones - from the  principles of consentuality to the principles of safety. Some are specific to people or groups within the lifestyle. The best way to learn these is to get out into the community and socialize with others of a like mind. A munch is a good place to do that. You have the opportunity to meet others in a non-threatening venue, as it's held generally in a family-friendly restaurant or other public place and there very little is discussed, unless the group can get a private room in the restaurant, but people can network, which is generally the point of the munch.

Good luck in Your journey through this lifestyle. Well wishes.

-santalia{JR}



minnetar -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/25/2007 10:32:16 PM)

One of the first sites i started reading was Castlerealm which gave me the basics.  i think that will help develop more specific questions.  Then you can do a search on here where there are probably tons of threads about the topic you specifically would like to learn more about. 

minnetar



MadRabbit -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 6:01:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iwanttolearnhow

1. to doms: are there any other doms out there like me, who didn't really know what to do or how to do it at first? Is there anyone who was a little shy or unsure of himself but who got over it? and if so, how did you?


Yes, all Dominants at one point didnt know how to do something or how to do it at first.

All human beings were born as babies who were completely unable to do the most basic of tasks and threw time, we all eventually learned.

Dominants were not special babies that were born with the innate ability to hold a whip, teach a women how to orgasm on command, or have the skills to make a M/S or D/S relationship work.

Being shy and unsure of yourself is part of the natural growing process of human beings. It fades away as you become more comfortable and confident with yourself and your own abilities. I was once a fifteen year old dishwasher, scrubbing pots and pans and completely unsure of my ability to cook and work with the big bad chefs because I have never done it before. Now...7 years later, I have an ego to more than make up for that time =).

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iwanttolearnhow

2. to subs: what is the line between following the man you are with and being disrespected and treated like garbage by the man you are with? I don't want to treat who I am with like garbage... but I also want her to know her place.


Since you care enough that its bothering you and making you worry that you might treat her like garbage as a dominant, then you already know what the difference is. Your just simply unsure of yourself and that will sort itself out in time.




SimplyMichael -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 6:14:18 AM)

First off, NEVER read CastleRealm as it is fantasy based fluff sure to fuck your head up for years.

Second, learning to provide a safe place for a woman to find  
quote:

the line between following the man you are with and being disrespected and treated like garbage by the man you are with
is easy conceptually, just a lot more difficult in practice.  When I explain to a woman that she is a no good fucking whore who at the moment only deserves to lick my cum up off the floor and then procede to make her do it, I am certainly debasing her.  However, the scene doesn't start nor does it end there.  Before hand she knows how special she is and I work hard to make sure she knows that at her core.  Afterwards and MOST important, that cum sucking whore becomes my most glorious possession and I do my best to not just bring her back from that space but to elevate her above where she started.

Consider it like taking someone into their dark subconcious on a guided tour with you always there to keep her safe and then lifting her up and carrying her out and taking her to your castle afterwards, both luxurious and safe.

One of the hardest things to "see" when you are new is how extreme a certain act is.  Take two naked women, one simply sitting at someone's feet and another having a design cut into her back with a knife.  Which is more extreme, surely the knife play.  HOWEVER, if the woman getting cut does it all the time and the one sitting naked is there for the first time, the new woman is likely doing the most extreme play emotionally.  Learning to see that takes time and experience.

Also, pick up Midori's new book The Wild Side of Sex, it is my new favorite "first book" although I got a lot out of reading it as well.  Another two to buy are Dossie Easton's The Topping Book as well as The Bottoming Book.  Read those three and you will know more than many and be a much better and safer dominant.



mistoferin -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 6:21:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
First off, NEVER read CastleRealm as it is fantasy based fluff sure to fuck your head up for years.


Oh I sooooo agree. I wish that site would self destruct. I know that some folks here really seem to like it but I agree Michael, I think it fills your head full of a lot of fantasy crap that doesn't work well in reality. Many people think it is some sort of a "step by step handbook" or "how to" that should be followed to the letter. If you can read it and be objective cool, but I don't think that many can do that.



tade -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 6:26:52 AM)

You aren't all knowing just because you call yourself a Dominant with a capital D. It should be like anything else in life. Learning never stops. Can't teach and guide if you aren't willing to to be taught yourself. In every task that is mastered there is always something new to discover. That's the fun of it all, otherwise boredom sets in. Atleast for me.



LadyPact -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 6:33:00 AM)

You're embarking on a learning process, just like We all did when We were new.  Like what was said, We weren't born with all of the knowledge that just transcended into the lifestyle.  We learned, We practiced, We made mistakes.  Just like you will.  You're not going to wake up tomorrow and be HeDom, Master of the Universe.  Some have certain talents, like a good aim, that are very helpful, but it still requires work.
 
It may sound a bit old fashioned, but books really are a great resource.  If nothing else, they provide a lot of background information that can be useful.  Also, get out and meet some people.  Sites like this can be helpful, but there's nothing like person to person contact.  For example, I'm just the type of learner that could never pick up something like bondage through just being told.  I need a demo model.
 
Good luck, and welcome to CM.



LadyHugs -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 8:45:07 AM)

Dear Iwanttolearnhow, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I applaud your attitude.
 
I really recommend going to real life support and education groups.  So much can be learned from asking questions, the power of observation, having another Dominant teach you how to flog, cane and the like. 
 
When a person has some confidence in what they are doing, why they are doing it; the change in how you act, how you stand or carry yourself will change.
 
May I also suggest that you consider going to an Academy, like Master Taino's Training Academy or Butchmann's Academy.  These academies take a bit more focus on the relationship and dynamic of a Master and slave and not so much on BDSM, which other support and education groups teach.
 
Castlerealm is not exactly my 'cup of tea.'  I do recommend Iron-Rose's web site and go into the Library section.  There articles are written by known presenters and often created by presentation copies and or handouts.
 
As far as books go; Screw the Roses-Give me the Thorns written by the late Master Phil Miller and Molly Devon is an excellent start.  I also prefer having individuals read S&M101 by Jay Wiseman.  The Leatherman's Handbook is another good reference guide. 
 
I have been helping a neurosurgeon who is writing on safer Dungeon play/techniques.  He saw my written works as well as my presentation and requested my assistance.  While I cannot share his works, I can share mine if you like--just contact me in the E-mail/Mail format and I'll continue there.
 
May I also have you consider attending Master-slave conferences in your area and or those that may cause interest.  For an example, last year's Master-slave conference in Washington, DC; Master Steve Sampson, Master Skip Casey, Master SlaveMaster, Master Taino, Master Tallen and other presenters held workshops.  The registration for this year's Master-slave conference is open.  [Note: MasterTaino and MasterTallen are both members of Collarme.com but, understand they are both busy as the conference approaches, so they may be a bit tardy in responding to you directly but, both of them can answer questions about the M/s conference or the Training Academy]
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 



ADom442 -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 8:49:15 AM)

quote:

Iwanttolearnhow wrote:
In some respects it is strange, I come on a site like this and I automatically assume that all the doms know what they are doing and how to do it. 

The only requirement for posting here is that you join CollarMe.  There is no exam or interview process, so realize that for some this is just a fantasy pastime - something to do that's more fun for them than watching TV.  Also, realize that there's no verification process for confirming that someone's "been in this lifestyle for more than 10 (or 15 or 20) years."  Finally, realize that there's a strong inducement for people who answer you to have ulterior motives.  Are they answering your question, or are they posturing for the submissives in hopes that they get e-mails?

quote:

Iwanttolearnhow continued:
I get all caught up in not wanting to disrespect her (I don't want to date a doormat... but I do want to date a total sub) and so I get nervous and puss out a bit. 


You won't be disrespecting her by being dominant both in the relationship and during play.  Instead, you'll not only be providing her with what she wants, you'll also be allowing her to be who she truly is just as she'll be allowing you to be who you truly are.

quote:

Iwanttolearnhow also wrote:
when I am alone and in a position where it is safe to be who I am, to dominate a woman.  I feel it deep down... but in real time


You touch on something here that I think is important.  Talk to people, read books, go to conferences and attend demonstrations.  But, realize you're doing these things to gain knowledge - not to learn how you're "supposed" to do this.  Perhaps the most important thing you'll do is develop your own vision of D/s and play.  You're not trying to learn how to be a "Dom"; you're trying to explore that part of yourself that is already Dom.  Get in touch with that part of yourself, embrace it, and celebrate it!  Don't suppress it because you're trying to do the things someone else told you Doms do.  Those 20 year veterans?  They have 20 years of experience being them; they have zero experience being you.

quote:

Iwanttolearnhow then asked:
are there any other doms out there like me, who didn't really know what to do or how to do it at first? Is there anyone who was a little shy or unsure of himself but who got over it? and if so, how did you?

No one is born with a flogger, cane, paddle, violet wand, etc in their hand, so everyone has the first time experience of doing the things that we do.  Educate yourself - read, talk to some real time people, and go to BDSM events where you can see and get advice from experienced people.  Then, don't worry.  When you meet and talk with the right partner (either in a relationship or just play sense) you'll find the experience will likely unfold very naturally if you've done your homework.

Good luck, and welcome to the message boards!
ADom 



happypervert -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 8:51:58 AM)

quote:

1. to doms: are there any other doms out there like me, who didn't really know what to do or how to do it at first? Is there anyone who was a little shy or unsure of himself but who got over it? and if so, how did you?

Take baby steps and you'll learn through experience. I bet I'm not alone in having occasions when I'm trying something new or trying something I've done before with a new partner and being unsure about how it is going to work. Learning is a continuous process and it never ends, and nobody is going to come along and wave a magic wand over you to turn on a light bulb over your head signaling that you know it all.

One thing that helps is finding a willing partner who may be just as unsure about where something is going but is looking forward to it as you are; you both settle into your roles and have fun. A little success breeds confidence, and then you build on that.



mnottertail -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 8:55:54 AM)

1.  Every Goddamn one of us.  But we forged ahead, some slowly and some with great vigour, in retrospect, most of us would have walked the path a little slower and saved ourselves and our partner some significant face planting time to time.

2.  I leave this discourse to them it is asked of.

Ron



Iwanttolearnhow -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 10:20:09 AM)

You are all a big help... thanks for the advice and encouragement!



Lordandmaster -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 10:23:17 AM)

Yes, of course.  No one knows what to do at first.  I got over it by finding a sub who knew as little as I did, and we experimented.

A lot.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iwanttolearnhow

1. to doms: are there any other doms out there like me, who didn't really know what to do or how to do it at first? Is there anyone who was a little shy or unsure of himself but who got over it? and if so, how did you?



OsideGirl -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 11:07:02 AM)

I'll add a third vote to veto CastleRealm. It's fluff.

As for your concerns about treating women: We're all raised with enviromental red tapes of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. It's not always easy getting through those red tapes and learning the wisdom of not tossing them out all together. Take time and baby steps.

I would also suggest finding a group local to you. Attend the munches and socials, volunteer at club events and find yourself a dominant mentor to learn from.



spiral23 -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 12:05:46 PM)

Im a reasonably new Dom..(3 years experience on and off) and im still learning..its path that slowly becomes more comfortable and feeling right, if not easier to master. Did i know how to control a woman instantly at the beginning with my voice, a look, a command..no...but as my confidence grew so my abilities did. My confidence grew from reading sites such as this, books etc and most importantly from real time experience. As to disrespecting a sub through your actions, the important thing to remember is that its mutually consenting, shes there because she enjoys it..(most of the time...*evil grin), wants it, yearns it..just like you do...i would add if you stay honest, and say you have limited time in this scene then their is less pressure on yourself to act like some master Dom who knows everything, which will be a huge stress on yourself to play up to..you can just be you and allow yourself to enjoy and fulfill your needs...and hers!!



goodpet -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 12:19:14 PM)

Hello,
You live in a kink rich environment, lots of excellent Doms in the area.

Find a mentor. Ask around at the BR meetings and at the Crucible or up in BESS.

Contact local Doms and ask them.. better yet,, concact local subs and ask who they would recommend to you to talk with.

There are MAsT meetings in the area 2-3 times a month, the MAsT confrence is in July in DC.

Find someone to talk to and mentor you.

good luck and see you at the club sometime.
~ann
Griffin's girl



Faramir -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 4:48:47 PM)

I would differentiate between technical knowledge--stuff like rigging, fireplay safety, violet wand grounding, etc--and your personal intimacy model for BDSM.

By all means if you want to learn how to tie some chick up and light her on fire while you shove a violet wand up her ass, go to demos, read books, find a mentor, etc.  But no one out there has anything authoritative to say about what works for you n intimacy.  Dude, if the way you connect with a girl is to treat her like a $10 whore, then the answer isn't to find some person at MaST, or BlAST, or CAPETALON or whatever to tell you who to me.  It's not in someone's favorite first book, or any shit like that. 

What will make it ok or not ok is if he girl you're with needs to be treated like a $10 whore (or a little girl, or a Gorean slave, or whatever) and you've got a match.

Srsly--before you choke someone to death, by all means get educated.  But don't let anyone else substitute their personal predilictions in human relations for your needs.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/26/2007 6:31:06 PM)

EVERYONE starts out with no skills. It doesn't matter if you've been tying knots since boy scouts...you still had to learn how to tie 1) safely and 2) with the desired effect.

And don't worry...there are those of us who CAN explain the theory of relativity, both general and special. ;-) Just hang out for a while...and tap into your local community.

Master Fire



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