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EvilGeoff -> RE: BDSM vs Vanilla - The Real World (5/28/2007 12:06:41 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Teachme59
…. but you don’t seem to understand I am not arguing against what you are saying.
Unfortunately Butch, that's exactly what you are doing. You seem to be projecting your fears, feelings and motivations onto others, both in the lifestyle and out. You are telling us that those of us who are comfortable in our skin and lives, are in fact afraid of the judgement of others because we don't walk our slaves down Main Street buck naked and on a leash.
Your posts read to mean that because we don't live our lives the way you expect some mythical BDSM/Leather ideal to be, we're living "fantasy" lives. And that if we did live them according to your BDSM/Leather ideal we'd upset the villagers and get run out of town. And if our parents found out they'd be ashamed of us. And because we choose to not be "in your face" about our lives with every Tom, Dick and Harriette out in Vanillaland we're afraid to be ourselves.
And I'm saying (no longer politely) "That's utter bullshit."
quote:
ORIGINAL: Teachme59
You keep saying what you do and feel, I understand that. What I am talking about is what I believe others outside the lifestyle think and how to deal with that.
Butch
You presume to speak for some mythical "Norm" for society. Unfortunately, I'm not going to grant you the right to speak for them. You are certainly free to believe what you want to believe, but my own experience, while not universal, tells me far more people are curious and tolerant than bigotted and judgemental about what we do and how we live our lives and relationship.
I've said repeately HOW TO DEAL WITH Joe and Susie Nilla. Use common sense, common courtesy, behave with dignity and respect. If kinksters conduct themselves with courtesy, with good manners, with dignity, compassion, integrity, most people don't give a tinker's damn what you do in your bedroom or your relationship. "You're kinky? Really? How nice! It must be terribly exciting!" and off they go to talk to their SO and maybe try a little spanky-spanky at home. It ain't no biggie to most folks.
Common courtesy, common sense, simple dignity are not practices of fear. They are practices of compassion, practices of concern. Only a complete and utterly selfish ass goes out of his or her way to offend, upset, and piss off their neighbors, and LOTS of things beyond our sex lives and relationships might piss off the neighbors.
Things like playing "Free Bird" and "Sweet Home Alabama" at 110 decibles at 2am.
Cutting that dead tree down so it falls onto their house.
Having your dog barking from midnight to 4am.
Letting your cat run loose to dig up (and shit) in their flower bed.
Mowing your lawn for the summer. Once.
Practicing a strange, unusual religious belief that requires the blood sacrifice of a small animal during a full moon....
And this is only scratching the surface of things that _might_, potentially, piss of the neighbors.
There is a reason that people have said "Good fences make for good neighbors." so many times, for so long, that it's become a cliche. You mind your business and say on your side of the fence, they mind theirs and stay on their side, and everyone then tries to live peacefully and get along. THAT is how you deal with people. Vanilla people. Kinky People. Religious people, straight, gay, bi, mathematically inclined, and liberal artsy people. You mind your business, they mind theirs.
Holy freaking cow, what mind-boggling concepts! Respecting privacy and tolerating differences.
We are not islands, living in isolation, we are people living in communities, with family, friends, co-workers. Some of them share our interests, some share our hobbies, some share our kinks. Others do not. I have no wish or desire to share the intimate parts of my private life with Gladys Gossip or Bubba Blather, not because I'm afraid of their judgement or ashamed of what I do. I don't share this with them because they have not earned my trust or entered my comfort zone. No more, no less.
(And in case you are wondering, no, you haven't earned my trust, but you ARE in my comfort zone, so you get a LOT more info than Joe and Susie Neighbor do.)
My parents would be ashamed of me? Screw that noise. It's my life and I live it how I wish. My mom and dad might have been disappointed that I don't have a Masters degree, but they wouldn't have batted an eye (and mom didn't) when I came out that I was a Dom and sadist. You have absolutely no clue what motivates me, how I feel, how my parents felt, how my janey feels.
Presuming to speak for anyone you don't know, haven't even spoken to, or asked their opinion about the issue you are supposedly speaking for them about, is the height of folly.
Keep your fears off my community and family (both Leather/BDSM and vanilla). They don't fit.
YIK,
- Geoff
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