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Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 9:20:46 AM   
CirclMastr


Posts: 25
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline 		As a dom, I'm rather young and inexperienced. I've been fairly open about my preference online for the past few years, and I've been in a number of online relationships with subs. However, I have (for a number of reasons) not had a relationship in person since I became interested in this lifestyle. So naturally I have some questions, heh. For instance, how much of my (admittedly limited) experience online will carry over into real life? How do they significantly differ? How do I get started with the lifestyle in person, and what sort of things do I need to keep in mind?

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Anything worth doing well is worth doing poorly at first.
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RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 9:48:07 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
Welcome to the forums and good luck!
 
I would suggest that all relationships - regardless of online or off are all incredibly different and both have unique experiences.  Online is to offline is no exception and there are big differences.  For one thing, you have mannerisms to take cues from when face to face - this assists with any relationship and adds a bonus to communication.  That said, alot can be said for the written word and something that Darcy and I both do is still write to each other (even if it's just a text or short missive) - even when we are in the same house.
 
Plus there is then the tactile aspect that offline relationships allow.  You will need to start to learn skills for example say -  if bondage is your thing - attending workshops is a great way to do this.  Start reading books - there are some great ones out there.  Don't get distracted by online websites where you don't actually get to see the people who are involved with it... Personally, I find them way too overbearing and pretentious (haha - and that's coming from me!)  Try more active community sites.
 
My suggestion is that you get out to groups and a munch (I do not know your level of knowledge and all these terms may be confusing or you - so I apologise if I am speaking gobbldegook) - you are in CA?  There are people here that can point you in the right direction - and just be yourself.
 
From my personal POV - I would suggest you be careful of people who tell you there is only one true way, 'true' dominants and submissives, those who completely deny that 'vanilla' life is involved, and those that identify as 'real'.  Be honest with yourself and what you desire, don't settle and be careful of the frenzy of the first steps of walking into 'realtime'.  Be patient and don't be discouraged by negative responses or advice because you can even learn from that.
 
Reading this forum is a good start - ask lots and lots of questions and don't be afraid to ask.  Yes, some people will judge, but you will get that anywhere.  And just be patient and slow... however frustrating that can be at times.
Enjoy, learn and good luck!
 
Peace and Rapture


< Message edited by darkinshadows -- 6/1/2007 9:49:06 AM >

_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to CirclMastr)
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RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 10:03:06 AM   
CirclMastr


Posts: 25
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline 		Well, I had to look up what a munch is, but it sounds like something from which I definitely could benefit. So the only problem there would be actually finding one I can attend. ;)

I'm not sure what I would learn from books, or how to tell the good ones from the bad ones, so I'm going to have to ask you to elaborate on that. I'm generally (obviously) more comfortable with the internet, so I would prefer to stick to this site and any other worthwhile sites.

_____________________________

Anything worth doing well is worth doing poorly at first.

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RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 10:12:43 AM   
eveningtwilight


Posts: 48
Joined: 5/22/2007
Status: offline 		I am in a similar situation. I am only now beginning to venture out into the local scene (or, at least trying to). It is difficult here in UT because all the groups seem to be underground and very secretive, and many are nervous about accepting newcomers. But, I contact the group and let them know that I'm interested and wait and hope that someone in the group takes enough interest that they are willing to extend a hand in friendship, and then at least see if they are interested in bringing me into the group (as most groups are by invite only).

One thing you can do is be honest in your profile as to what state you live in. The software program that collarme uses will filter out others in your area and offer their profiles for you to look at when you log on. also, putting your interests in meeting locals will put that beacon out for others to feel safe contacting you. Then, make posts so that people notice you and click on your profile. You may gain enough contacts that make your plight easier.

I think there is much learning to do, and from what I understand it is best for you to find an experienced Dom to mentor you.


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RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 10:32:01 AM   
CirclMastr


Posts: 25
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline 		Heh, there's not too much sense in having a profile if I'm not honest in it. I realize that may not be a universal sentiment (sadly), but I don't gain anything by being deceptive. I do (as previously mentioned) live in California, Orange County to be more specific. I'm hoping to make as many contacts as I can and learn as much as I can.

_____________________________

Anything worth doing well is worth doing poorly at first.

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RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 10:38:06 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Nothing wrong with being inexperienced, young or otherwise. We all started out as newbies at some point.

I am not a fan of online relationships, as many know, so keep that in mind. The big difference between online and real time is what you are putting on the table. Online, you can say anything, say you are doing anything, but in the end you are doing nothing as there is no physical contact.

In order to really feel the power of a fetish relationship, it has to be in person. There has to be the building of trust before someone is going to let you tie them up for real. Your communication skills will be tested in the trenches (hmmm, that may not be the best analogy). How do you relate to someone sitting across the table from you. How do you display dominance whithin the framework of a polite conversation.

The really important thing to keep in mind is to communicate, communicate, communicate. Again, when you have a real human being under your control, you must understand what turns them on, what doesn't. You must be able to handle an emotional emergency; something seemingly very innocent can set off a terrible memory in the sub's mind and suddenly instead of having fun, she is crying and afraid.

Always remember your own limits. Don't try to do anything you don't have experience doing. There is nothing wrong with saying "I don't know how to do that, but if you really want to I will learn."

Finally, remember you are learning about yourself as much as you are learning about the one under you. Never lose that.

Believe me, a relationship with another person is the most exquisite experience you will have. It is worth taking the time to find the one that suits you best. Good luck.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

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RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 10:44:29 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
Well, I am afraid I can;t help with munches in you local area - but I am sure someone here will be able to.
Books and authors I can help with however - (and I am putting both sides of the coin here because I think that reading from both sides is great)
Jack Rinella - The Masters Handbook, The Complete Slave, Partners in Power, Philosophy in the Dungeon,
John Warren - The loving Dominant
Jay Wiseman - SM 101, The Erotic Bondage Handbook
Screw the Roses - Send me the thorns - Philip Millar/Molly Devon
Learning the Ropes - Race Bannon
Midori - (Bondage)
William Brame - A Different Loving
These are all available on amazon.com and other good bookwebsites and stores - you can easily order them from local bookstores.(Mine - like Waterstones, already have some in stock).
 
Websites - more difficult because I am in the UK and most of mine I visit are UK Based. 
Deviants Dictionary - should assist you with most key phrases and word definitions.
Informed Consent  - is UK based, but there is still good things to read there.
AkashaWeb - from a female dominants POV.
 
Check the events section here regularly for local munches - or try googling you local area.
 
Hope these assist.
Peace and Rapture
 


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to CirclMastr)
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RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 2:50:31 PM   
Rafters


Posts: 266
Joined: 3/9/2006
Status: offline 		Online BDSM is to reallife BDSM, as cyber vanilla sex is to reallife vanilla sex.

It's an ok way to learn theory, but it's not the same.
It's an energy thing

< Message edited by Rafters -- 6/1/2007 2:54:15 PM >

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RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 3:23:42 PM   
SlpBeauty333


Posts: 17
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline 		Good way of describing it, Rafters.  I would add that it depends on how much energy you were putting into your online sessions.  I personally have pushed my limits farther for one particular online Dom than I had for the Dom who had me in real life because the energy level between us is right!  Online is a great way to explore your likes and dislikes. 


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RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 3:40:22 PM   
daddysblondie


Posts: 181
Joined: 3/17/2007
Status: offline 		There's a munch group in Orange County I believe....check yahoo groups listings for OC Munch. Good luck to you!

(in reply to CirclMastr)
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RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 4:05:33 PM   
aSlavesLife


Posts: 347
Joined: 12/1/2006
Status: offline 		How in the hell do you push your limits online? Oh, wait, I see.... I'm afraid of heights, deathly afraid of heights. But online I can stand atop a virtual skyscraper and gaze down upon the cyber cityscape and be totally at ease. Wow, I really overcame my hard limit! Now I am going to rack up 50,000 hours of simulated combat experience playing Splinter Cell, then go tell my father what a wimp he is in comparison because of his lesser combat time in Vietnam.

< Message edited by aSlavesLife -- 6/1/2007 4:07:39 PM >

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RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 4:16:05 PM   
MrrPete


Posts: 614
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		There's quite a bit of difference between typing a command and see her reply "yes Sir"
and actually telling a woman to kneel at you feet and WATCH her do it right in front of you. The feeling of power and control is like no other.

The sadistic grin on your face when you literally flog a sub for the first time ,and she says,
"Oh! God that fucking hurts" you watch her squirm. " Please do it again Sir." Is ear to ear.
I spent 2 years in Cyber Space and had my share of online subs but when I actiually had a real time experience. I never went back. It just never satisfied anymore.

In my experience nothing transferred from cyber to reality except my fantasies and ideas of what I would do to a real live submissive woman in my clutches.

I had many subs online but my first RT experience lasted 7 yrs

online I recommend the Fetish Information Exchange and Bondage.com both have good information databases.

Books: Greenery Press has a wide range of lifestyle realted material like Jay Wiesman's SM 101 or the Loving Dominant by John Warren

Redal Time get in touch with the local BDSM community and go to munches, seminars and demos. There are bunches of all in Ca.

Google on munches la habra ca to get started

I hope that helps

< Message edited by MrrPete -- 6/1/2007 4:23:03 PM >

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Awrabest,

Mr. Pete

Boycott Citgo

(in reply to CirclMastr)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 4:25:35 PM   
Einzelganger


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/8/2007
From: Orlando, FL
Status: offline 		I'm not sure about lifestyles, as I'm not really sure what an online lifestyle is, but I certainly differ in my personality online and in person.  The only difference is that I'm much more outgoing online...in person, I'm very quiet, and I'm mostly an observer when I'm in large groups.  Alot of vanilla people have told me I'm a 'sidekick' sort of person.  Imagine that. *grins*

-Einzelgänger

(in reply to MrrPete)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 4:30:30 PM   
eveningtwilight


Posts: 48
Joined: 5/22/2007
Status: offline 		I agree. It is always better to be honest. I in no way meant to imply that you were not honest though, it dawned on me that my post could have come across that way, so I am here to clearify just in case it did. I've known many people who create profiles and lie about age, appearance, and/or location. Whether the deception is spawned from fear of identity theft, fear of an unwanted stalker, or insecurities... I can undestand why many do it, but don't recomend it for anyone wanting anything serious or real come from their adventures. But you already know that, so more power to you!! I hope you find everything you are looking for. :)


(in reply to CirclMastr)
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RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 4:58:46 PM   
SlpBeauty333


Posts: 17
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: aSlavesLife

How in the hell do you push your limits online? Oh, wait, I see.... I'm afraid of heights, deathly afraid of heights. But online I can stand atop a virtual skyscraper and gaze down upon the cyber cityscape and be totally at ease. Wow, I really overcame my hard limit! Now I am going to rack up 50,000 hours of simulated combat experience playing Splinter Cell, then go tell my father what a wimp he is in comparison because of his lesser combat time in Vietnam.


It depends on how honest you are being with the commands the Dom is giving quite frankly.  If you are just typing "Yes, Sir" at every command, then you probably aren't getting a lot out of being online.  If you had asked me two months ago if I had any masochistic tendencies I would have given you a very hard no.  Then online Master E told me to go get a belt.  I did.  And I whipped myself with it on his cue with him watching on cam.  Guess what?  I liked it!  Self-knowledge is always a good thing, IMHO.  

(in reply to aSlavesLife)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 5:12:41 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: aSlavesLife

How in the hell do you push your limits online? Oh, wait, I see.... I'm afraid of heights, deathly afraid of heights. But online I can stand atop a virtual skyscraper and gaze down upon the cyber cityscape and be totally at ease. Wow, I really overcame my hard limit! Now I am going to rack up 50,000 hours of simulated combat experience playing Splinter Cell, then go tell my father what a wimp he is in comparison because of his lesser combat time in Vietnam.



LOL,

here' whats gonna happen to you, bitch!!!

You are gonna stand up when you type to me from now on....

Next week?
You fuckin' whore; you are gonna move the computer UPSTAIRS!!!!!!

Oh, please, let me do you, this is giving me huge logging potential

OakenDom
gawd, I love this town!!!!!!!



_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 5:15:37 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		In my experience and resulting opinion from talking to people and reading them online, the greatest thing that folks underestimate when it comes to thinking about doing Ds or any of this in meatlife is that meatlife and mundane matters will ultimately drive things.

You have to eat so you have to get food. That probably will cost you money so you or your partner or both will need a job. That job will have responsibilities that you need to meet. Government requires some things from you so many your families and your friends. Then of course there is your body and mind -- they will demand care and they may act up and need help.

You can build your DS or SM or whatever you want to call it life or activities into your life but I honestly doubt it is easy to make the rest of your life fit into your kink. Now some of us do as authors, speakers, store owners or craftspeople, but even that is only one part of our overall life.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to CirclMastr)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/1/2007 10:27:35 PM   
CirclMastr


Posts: 25
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline 		Well, I finally found the OCMunch Yahoo group, and sent in an application thereto.

I'm not sure what to make of the debate between online experience being useless or not.  I suppose it's something I'll have to find out for myself eventually.


_____________________________

Anything worth doing well is worth doing poorly at first.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/2/2007 1:32:58 AM   
LadyPaige


Posts: 187
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: aSlavesLife

How in the hell do you push your limits online? Oh, wait, I see.... I'm afraid of heights, deathly afraid of heights. But online I can stand atop a virtual skyscraper and gaze down upon the cyber cityscape and be totally at ease. Wow, I really overcame my hard limit! Now I am going to rack up 50,000 hours of simulated combat experience playing Splinter Cell, then go tell my father what a wimp he is in comparison because of his lesser combat time in Vietnam.


In your example, she could have been told to go to an actual skyscraper and take a pic to proove she'd been there.  My own personal experience with an on-line Dom was very good.  My X had managed to make me believe I was too fat for other men to find me attractive.  My on-line Dom got me to buy a cam so he could see me.  He got me to stop wearing my baggy clothes and wear sexy clothes.  The reactions I got from him and other men did a lot for my self confidence.  One of the things I did for an on-line sub who was shy was to make him go to Wal-Mart and buy a list of items (and only those items) and take them to a female cashier and e-mail me the receipt.  Other limits might be coming out of the closet and an on-line Dom could encourage you to join a local yahoo group, then attend a munch.  Oftentimes it's the baby steps that are the hardest.

(in reply to aSlavesLife)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Online vs. In Person lifestyles - 6/2/2007 1:56:36 PM   
CirclMastr


Posts: 25
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline 		Hmm. Well, I got accepted in the OCMunch group, but it's on hiatus and not having munches or meetings.

_____________________________

Anything worth doing well is worth doing poorly at first.

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