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Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 3:22:47 PM

demureone

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From: Pembroke Pines, FL
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I'm not sure if this is the right place for this. I got involved with Master some time back and things are ok between us as far as I know. We don't spend too much time together, maybe 2 or 3 days a month, but we do talk every day. Except for when he poofs, which at first wasn't very often but is now 3 or 4 times a month and 2 or 3 days at a time.

It's his disappearing that is causing me problems. When this happens, he won't respond to any way I try to contact him. He won't even answer his phone. I never know when this is going to happen and I never know when I'm going to hear from him again.

He tells me that he gets down and just needs time alone and doesn't want to talk to anybody. I worry that this is a sign of very bad depression and I'm beginning to wonder if I really want to be involved with someone who is unpredictable and unstable like this. But he seems just fine all the rest of the time.

Does anyone have any experience with someone like this? I could really use some help in understanding this behavior.

Post #: 1

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 3:31:57 PM

KatyLied

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From: Pennsylvania
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He's probably married and his wife or ums are around at those times when he doesn't respond.

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RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 3:32:48 PM

Rayelle

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Joined: 5/19/2007
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i have to be honest, alarm bells are ringing here. i have no experience with this kind of thing and i know everyone needs time alone, but even from my new to the lifestyle eyes something just doesnt seems right. maybe im suspicious by nature or something, but my thought would be that he had someone else...... i hope im wrong.

maybe the best thing to do is ask him outright about why he cant even call you.... when im depressed i want someone to cheer me up, but again, thats just me. maybe if you knew why he was depressed, you could help?

(in reply to demureone)

Post #: 3

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 3:35:58 PM

MadRabbit

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As someone who was once in a very bad state of depression, I can say that your conclusion is very reasonable. Depression can be a downward spiral, an endless circle of sorts. People wallow in their own self pity and self misery with no desire, energy or motivation to do anything or see anyone. It takes a lot to get out of a funk like that and break the circle.

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(in reply to demureone)

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RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 3:44:44 PM

MasterFireMaam

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From: Charleston, WV
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Yes, it's possible that's what could be happening, but unless he's willing to at least answer the phone, there's really nothing you can do. You can only help someone who wants help.

Master Fire

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(in reply to demureone)

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RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 4:00:55 PM

DrkJourney

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Unfortunatly, I've been in this situation before. This guy did this because he did have a mental illness, which he refused to do anything about....I did try, but there is just so much you can do, especially from a distance. You've just got to know when you've had enough and move on.

Another reason, he was lying about a lot of things in his life. He wasn't married, but he was lying about where he lived, some things in his past...and the biggest thing is he was lying when I asked if he had children. He had a little girl that lived with him. I could go on and on about his lies and his depression....but the thing is, they never ended...after endless approaches and endless "let's start over"

All he did was be depressed, kept lying, and to make matters worse tried to blame me for everything.

Just my opinion...but for whatever reason he's doing this...run If he's not willing to get help or change, then nothing will change

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RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 4:09:34 PM

MzMia

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I believe that he is poofing because he is involved with someone else.
Do you have his home phone number and are you able to call him at him at anytime?
If you only see him 2 or 3 times a month, he could easily have another relationship.

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To Each His/Her Own
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(in reply to demureone)

Post #: 7

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 4:11:31 PM

stella40

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Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
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All I can do is offer an insight into my personal behaviour as a 'poofer' (and guys, please spare me the funny comments, especially if you're from the UK).

I'm TG, a playwright, and have been going through difficult periods on and off. I do something similar, every so often I 'disappear', withdraw, isolate myself. It could be depression, it could be a lack of self-confidence, it could be I'm writing something, it could be that I have problems and need time and space to get my head round something.

However I'm in a LDR with a Domme and we usually have daily contact. But even when I'm 'poofing' (or is it 'poofering'? It's a new meaning of this word for me) contact is maintained, I do answer my phone, and any e-mails or IMs I get from her. I may not reply to a text from a friend if I deem it not important or it doesn't have a question mark at the end, I won't ignore people, I'm just keeping out of the way. But the people who know me kind of take it in their stride, they accept it as part of me and know it is cyclical.

Like I have done with people, he has explained and I can easily relate to him. But also like me - irrespective of the role - I feel he should respond when you try to contact him, either out of respect for your concerns or feelings or even out of common courtesy. I mean, how much effort does it need to respond by picking up a phone, or writing 'I'm okay', 'fine', or something else just as simple?

I wouldn't automatically assume that he's cheating, married, because the possibilities are endless. He could be deceiving you of course, hiding something from you, but it could also be a lack of confidence, inner fears, insecurity, a serious illness or some other issue which he may feel that he has to hide from you because he may feel if you knew you would end the relationship. The depression could be real and he could be telling the truth, or it could be an excuse and mask a much deeper issue. It might even be something of which he's unsure about or isn't able to explain and so is holding it back from you until he finds the right words or has come to a decision. The possibilities are endless.

I think the only solution is a deep, honest conversation between the two of you and you telling him about how you feel, how much it worries you, concerns you, and that you would really prefer it if he responds.

Then perhaps you can make your own decision and draw your own conclusions on the basis of how he responds.

Whichever way, I hope you can both overcome this and it leads to something which is rewarding and fulfilling for both of you.

Good luck.

< Message edited by stella40 -- 6/3/2007 4:15:18 PM >

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RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 4:24:56 PM

DrkJourney

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I totally understand what you are saying. I had another that was in a very bad marriage, and once we started getting close he's disappear. He wouldn't answer phone, voicemail, email, IM's..nothing. Then he pop up weeks or months later with some lame excuse.

My point is, you can't "talk" to someone unless they respond in some form or fashion. Can't talk it out with a blank computer screen or a dial tone. That's why I say, if he isn't willing to "work" on whatever is his problem....he's wasting her time.

_____________________________

...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 9

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 4:34:07 PM

subinside

Posts: 233
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From: Toronto, ON
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my Ex started doing that.. poofing... and i finally called him on it. Turns out he was using his and alternate profiles to find others on here and spending his time with them. Meanwhile telling me he was working 60+ hours or was tired, fell asleep early, cell phone died.. etc..

It was only when i called him on it that he came clean and all the threads of our relationship unravelled. There is nothing... if there isn't truth. in the end, we ended up with nothing.. well.. he ended up with nothing.. i ended up with the baby i'm having in 8 months. ~shrugs~

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RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 4:37:57 PM

DrkJourney

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subinside

my Ex started doing that.. poofing... and i finally called him on it. Turns out he was using his and alternate profiles to find others on here and spending his time with them. Meanwhile telling me he was working 60+ hours or was tired, fell asleep early, cell phone died.. etc..

It was only when i called him on it that he came clean and all the threads of our relationship unravelled. There is nothing... if there isn't truth. in the end, we ended up with nothing.. well.. he ended up with nothing.. i ended up with the baby i'm having in 8 months. ~shrugs~

Damn I am sorry to hear that.

I totally agree, and it's what I tell people all the time...trust is number one in any relationship....but even more so in bdsm.

I hope it all works out for you

_____________________________

...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....

(in reply to subinside)

Post #: 11

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 4:41:38 PM

MadRabbit

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I hate to play Devil's advocate...but everyone who is posting with the opinion or belief that he is involved with someone else, I would be most curious to hear as to what basis you are forming this opinion given the information in the thread.

Because as I read the thread, there really seems to be no evidence to draw that conclusion outside of wide cynical assumption.

You might as well say "I beleive he is disapearing because he's Superman and fighting crime in different parts of the world."

Or "I beleive he is disapearing because he has a sleeping disorder that causes him to hibernate."

Perhaps hes running secert spy missions in Iraq while drainking Martini's and wearing a Tuxedo?

How about he's a clown in the circus that goes traveling for random periods of time and he hasnt had the balls to admit his profession?

Short term visits to the moon with NASA?

Abducted by aliens on a routine basis?

Long drawn out psychotic rage induced episodes that force him to chain himself in the basement and severe all communication until it passes?

I think perhaps the opinion the poster Noah made in another thread recently regarding the posters here automatically going for the Lowest Common Denominator isnt that way off base...

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 6/3/2007 4:46:22 PM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to DrkJourney)

Post #: 12

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 4:56:39 PM

Malacophonous

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Joined: 4/9/2007
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As one who was once involved with a chronic poofer, i know how hurtful, frustrating, and maddening it can be. The sooner you sever ties with him, the sooner you can move on with your life.
Hugs~

diana

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 13

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 5:26:22 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
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I tend to ~poof~ at times myself. I do it when life is a bit overwhelming and I need time to fix and or heal.
I call it going reptilian. For me, it's quite time where I'm not sharing my troubles or involving anyone else in things I feel are up to me to fix. It's a way to avoid ~help~.

Sure he could be Superman, or he could be busy elsewhere. But bottom line is you wont know till he feels he wants you to know. My suggestion is not to snoop even if you do have a way to. Trust is a fine line and once broken awfully difficult to repair. Find comfort in what you give, sort through it and see if it feeds you enough to hang on and be there when he returns. Stay busy with the things you like or improve yourself in some way.

What will be .. will be

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to Malacophonous)

Post #: 14

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 6:09:59 PM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
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To me this would be reason to drop him. If I can not count on you to be there what damn good are you to me. Simply tell him, if it happens again it's over, and if it does move on. There is no way that I would put up with this.

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 15

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 6:15:56 PM

JennyWench

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Joined: 5/4/2007
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Hi, my name is Jenny and I'm a recovering poofer.

I have no idea if this person is married or a chronic Don Juan but I can tell you that poofing is not necessarily a sign of infidelity (although it can be). It is also not necessarily a sign of mental illness, although it can be that too. I generally try to warn potential partners in advance that I do this sometimes. I too do not answer my phone and ignore e-mails and deactivate my profile and just generally disappear. My friends have learned to accept that I do this from time to time and that it has nothing to do with them. People who insist on having my attention on demand generally don't stay friends with me. Go figure.

Enough about me - the question isn't really about the poofer. It about you. You need to ask yourself, regardless of the cause, is this something you can live with or not. If you can't, you should probably out of fairness let the other person know where you're at with this. Then it's up to them to either change their behavior or not, or propose another solution that you can both live with.

I did have the experince of being on the receiving end of being poofed fairly recently. It was actually kind of funny of because I made this crack about him acting like Greta Garbo and he went ballistic. End of story, I dumped him the next day. Not because he was poofing but because the disproportional amount of anger he vented towards me was inappropriate. I don't hang with Doms who have anger management problems. It's a safety issue.

I guess my two cents worth is that poofers aren't necessarily bad people but we can be a pain in the butt. So if you can't deal with it then don't.

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 16

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 6:17:06 PM

demureone

Posts: 14
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: Pembroke Pines, FL
Status: offline

I do understand the suggestions that it sounds as if he's seeing someone else, or that he's married or otherwise hiding something from me or lying. Those thoughts initially crossed my mind when he first started poofing. But, I know him better now and I do trust him. He tells me that he loves me and that he's not interested in finding someone else, and I do believe him. He's proved himself trustworthy over and over again and I have no reason to think otherwise.

Though we're not together often, this is a realtime relationship. We take turns staying in each others homes so I do know that he's not married and has no children living at home. And yes, I do have his home phone number and his work number and I'm allowed to call him anytime, though I try not to bother him when he's working. I've also never just dropped by his house as that seems not only rude to me and it would make it look like I'm suspicious when I'm not.

I really don't worry about what he's doing when he disappears or even why he disappears. I don't think he's lied to me when he says he just doesn't want to talk to anyone, though it does hurt my feelings some. I'm not even looking for some way to help him. If he wanted my help, he would ask for it. I've just never been around someone who isolates himself like this.

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 17

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 6:24:28 PM

JennyWench

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So then it's probably nothing to do with you then. He's probably just someone who has to totally disconnect when he's in recharge mode.

(in reply to demureone)

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RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 6:27:53 PM

BlindDescent

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If he is clean about no other entanglements;I would tend to think that he has run his course and doesn't know how to say I need space or more... The two of you had the real deal for a decent period of time, and now it is vanishing; if he can't really state his case, then it doesn't sound good for the long term. Things like this tend to worsen instead of improving; especially if he is unwilling to communicate. These are the simple tools of any relationship in any realm...unless you have no rights and no say and no influence. At the least, clarify who you are to yourself first; then reconsider who you are in relation to him. One cannot make someone do anymore or less than they are willing to truly manifest in any relationship. I wish you luck in solving your puzzle.

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(in reply to demureone)

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RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 6:28:20 PM

demureone

Posts: 14
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From: Pembroke Pines, FL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JennyWench

So then it's probably nothing to do with you then. He's probably just someone who has to totally disconnect when he's in recharge mode.

So this "recharge mode" isn't any kind of depression?

(in reply to JennyWench)

Post #: 20

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