RE: Habitual poofer?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Habitual poofer?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Habitual poofer?

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 6:33:11 PM

BlindDescent

Posts: 113
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline

Hmmm...is recharge mode another way to say passive agressive? Come here I need you....go away I need to be alone...you are so important to me...poof...
Or could this be another variation of pursue/capture/embrace deeply....now what do I do?

_____________________________

Reality is what you create; not what others leave behind.

(in reply to demureone)

Post #: 21

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 6:36:36 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Whether the reason is legitimate or not, you have to decide whether this is the situation you can accept for yourself. Will you be fulfilled in a relationship where, if you have a big accident or illness or something Very Bad happens, you might not be able to reach him or have him offer support? Will you be fulfilled in a relationship where, at any point, he could simply leave for a few days with no explanation?

Think about how you want things to be in 5 years and where this situation will fit you.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to demureone)

Post #: 22

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 6:43:42 PM

DrkJourney

Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Whether the reason is legitimate or not, you have to decide whether this is the situation you can accept for yourself. Will you be fulfilled in a relationship where, if you have a big accident or illness or something Very Bad happens, you might not be able to reach him or have him offer support? Will you be fulfilled in a relationship where, at any point, he could simply leave for a few days with no explanation?

Think about how you want things to be in 5 years and where this situation will fit you.

Perfect post. You are exactly right. I know cause I've been there. I had a death of one of my friends, I needed him, and he wouldn't return call, email or IM....he was not there for me.

It would've been nice if he had "said" he needed time, but just to disappear? and then no response...it really hurts.

I did ask myself that question, and my answer was buh bye

_____________________________

...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 23

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 7:26:52 PM

RaynaSub

Posts: 185
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

I hate to play Devil's advocate...but everyone who is posting with the opinion or belief that he is involved with someone else, I would be most curious to hear as to what basis you are forming this opinion given the information in the thread.

Because as I read the thread, there really seems to be no evidence to draw that conclusion outside of wide cynical assumption.

You might as well say "I beleive he is disapearing because he's Superman and fighting crime in different parts of the world."

Or "I beleive he is disapearing because he has a sleeping disorder that causes him to hibernate."

Perhaps hes running secert spy missions in Iraq while drainking Martini's and wearing a Tuxedo?

How about he's a clown in the circus that goes traveling for random periods of time and he hasnt had the balls to admit his profession?

Short term visits to the moon with NASA?

Abducted by aliens on a routine basis?

Long drawn out psychotic rage induced episodes that force him to chain himself in the basement and severe all communication until it passes?

I think perhaps the opinion the poster Noah made in another thread recently regarding the posters here automatically going for the Lowest Common Denominator isnt that way off base...

My vote is he is being abducted by aliens on a routine basis.
He could also be a secret agent.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 24

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/3/2007 7:47:54 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Maybe he just needs to go into hiding now and then because he's at war with a rival family.

quote:

ORIGINAL: demureone

It's his disappearing that is causing me problems. When this happens, he won't respond to any way I try to contact him. He won't even answer his phone. I never know when this is going to happen and I never know when I'm going to hear from him again.

(in reply to demureone)

Post #: 25

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/4/2007 1:13:03 AM

stella40

Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

I hate to play Devil's advocate...but everyone who is posting with the opinion or belief that he is involved with someone else, I would be most curious to hear as to what basis you are forming this opinion given the information in the thread.

Because as I read the thread, there really seems to be no evidence to draw that conclusion outside of wide cynical assumption.

You might as well say "I beleive he is disapearing because he's Superman and fighting crime in different parts of the world."

Or "I beleive he is disapearing because he has a sleeping disorder that causes him to hibernate."

Perhaps hes running secert spy missions in Iraq while drainking Martini's and wearing a Tuxedo?

How about he's a clown in the circus that goes traveling for random periods of time and he hasnt had the balls to admit his profession?

Short term visits to the moon with NASA?

Abducted by aliens on a routine basis?

Long drawn out psychotic rage induced episodes that force him to chain himself in the basement and severe all communication until it passes?

I think perhaps the opinion the poster Noah made in another thread recently regarding the posters here automatically going for the Lowest Common Denominator isnt that way off base...

I didn't assume that he was seeing someone else, it was just one of many many many abilities and she doesn't know why, so how do we know any more than she does?

Therefore I'm with you 100% on this one. I was about to come up with other ridiculous suggestions, but your's are much better.

It just goes to show just how very quickly you can be judged in this community, how quickly people jump to conclusions, and how someone can be so easily misjudged or something misinterpreted or misunderstood.

"Living is easy with eyes closed,
Misunderstanding all you see.."
The Beatles, Strawberry Fields Forever

_____________________________

I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 26

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/4/2007 4:02:20 AM

Areflectionofyou

Posts: 258
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline

i have to say..this happened to me and lo and behold i found with some serious digging that he was married...boy did that hurt!!!

(in reply to demureone)

Post #: 27

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/4/2007 4:46:37 AM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

For clarification, I wasnt targeting you at all, stella. But, none the less, not hanging anyone out to dry...

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 28

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/4/2007 5:07:01 AM

SexyRed

Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline

After my last long term relationship with a poofer who ended up betraying me, I am distrustful of anyone who pulls disappearing acts. No matter how busy you are, how down you are, you always can find time to get in touch with someone you care about. Those are total red flags for me. No amount of denial, excuses or rationalizations can ever change the fact that for me, if someone is into me, they will be in touch.

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!

(in reply to demureone)

Post #: 29

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/4/2007 5:33:21 AM

stella40

Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

For clarification, I wasnt targeting you at all, stella. But, none the less, not hanging anyone out to dry...

I know you weren't... I just posted to say I totally agree with what you posted.

_____________________________

I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 30

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/4/2007 5:48:03 AM

cjenny

Posts: 1736
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline

I tend to be a random poofer. Usually it is because
A) Life walloped me & I have too much to do.
B) I'm sick & literally haven't the energy for even basic contact.

I don't poof forever but I sometimes go for weeks in a sort of isolation mode. To alleviate worry I gave my closest friends a link to where I journal so that they can 'check in' on me. Even when I'm sick/incommunicado I keep in touch through that method. I don't reply to folks but at least they know I'm still around & will eventually return.

Unfortunately my need for occasional poofing did cost me a good friendship here. He refused to understand that I have times where I'm simply too ill-weak-exhausted to return email in a timely fashion. That hurt but it is something I don't have much choice over.

My thought is that unless you actually know why the poofer is poofing there is no reason to assume a nefarious reason.

_____________________________

*Unless I cite a source it is MO.

~ ssssh. i think i've just found freedom. ~

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 31

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/4/2007 6:09:53 AM

TreasureUntaken

Posts: 1
Joined: 5/18/2007
Status: offline

I don't know that it's such a problem that the guy is "poofing", moreso that he doesn't let her know before he does it. IF you decide you want to stay with him (a big if in my book) that is where I would focus my energies, on communication. In particular on him communicating in ADVANCE that he will be out of touch for a few days.

Surely he could make one quick phone call or send an email (even just a one liner) if he isn't up to conversation. If the OP is like me, even though it has become typical behavior I would worry that maybe this time its different...maybe something bad has happend or maybe this time hes not coming back. On some level I would worry and be on edge until I heard from him.

Also, if he does go out of touch I can't say I would be above a drive by of the house just to see what I could see. I mean you are legitimately worried and in a commited relationship, so it wouldn't be rude and it might give you some extra information on which to base your decision. Just a thought.

Treasure

(in reply to cjenny)

Post #: 32

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/4/2007 7:33:33 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlindDescent

Hmmm...is recharge mode another way to say passive agressive? Come here I need you....go away I need to be alone...you are so important to me...poof...
Or could this be another variation of pursue/capture/embrace deeply....now what do I do?

Not everyone behaves the same way for the same reason. If we did it would make the social sciences much easier to study, but alas people have random behaviors for many different reasons.

I quoted your post not because I wholly disagree, it is one possibility of the motivation of the "poofer", I quoted it because it is only one of many possibilities.

Some people need lots of alone time, some people do not. Some people feel very uncomfortable if they do not connect to their loved one constantly, some people would feel smothered by such "togetherness". I think the key is for people that desire the same amount of connectedness to find each other.

My Daddy does not go a single day without some form of conversing with me by either instant message, phone, or email... even when he is in a bad mood. If it made me uncomfortable that he needed alone time, well that would be my issue, not his. It would mean that we may not be well suited to each other, but it would not make him "flawed".

You know, some people find mates that want attention all the time "clingy". I do not think that judgment is correct either... people just have different needs is all, the best recipe is to find someone with similar needs instead of judging.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to BlindDescent)

Post #: 33

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/4/2007 7:47:31 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I suppose that I could be classified as a poofer myself, yet it is just my personality. I have always been this way, even as a child. I need alot of alone time to function well. It has nothing at all to do with anyone in my life, it is just my own weird thing.

I think it has something to do with being over sensitive to others negative energy and needing the alone time to balance. Or I am just a weird hermit type creature sometimes.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 34

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/4/2007 2:34:15 PM

nyrisa

Posts: 1830
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

I have pretty much the same dynamics, LaTigresse.

While I don't disappear, my contact is pretty much limited to only those most near and dear to me, when I need space. I let them know about my need, and I get a cherished few hours or day or two of downtime.

People not intimate with me will get a reply such as "I am sorry, I have to be out of touch for a few days." Any emergency message would be answered, of course.

I would never be totally out of reach for emergency contact, from those I care about. If this is happening to the OP, then it goes back to that saying that has been quoted, about someone being your priority, if you are only an "option" to them. No matter what his excuse might be, if she could not contact him (because he voluntarily cuts off contact) to let him know she was seriously ill, then I'd have to believe that he does not consider that such an event would be of too much concern for him, and this would make me wonder how deeply the relationship goes on his side.

_____________________________

A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. Robert Heinlein

The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it is still on my list.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 35

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/4/2007 5:32:01 PM

JennyWench

Posts: 21
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

So this "recharge mode" isn't any kind of depression?

Well, I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis so I'm speaking purely from my own perspective. Most of the time I am a highly focused person. I have great concentration skills and I'm tenacious as a pitbull especially in my vanilla / professional life. But sometimes I just hit this sort of system overload and need to completely shut down. It's not depression or manic-depression or OCD (I do know this for a fact because there was a time in my life i was worried if I was normal, I have consulted a professional); it's just the way I am. I'm not mad, not angry, not wanting to end things with whomever i'm seeing, not depressed - i guess when i need space, i'm just as focused about that as i am everything else.

So I can't guarantee that's what's going on with your guy, but it could be just the way he's built. Does he have any workaholic tendancies?

(in reply to demureone)

Post #: 36

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/4/2007 5:40:16 PM

FirmhandKY

Posts: 8948
Joined: 9/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JennyWench

quote:

So this "recharge mode" isn't any kind of depression?

Well, I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis so I'm speaking purely from my own perspective. Most of the time I am a highly focused person. I have great concentration skills and I'm tenacious as a pitbull especially in my vanilla / professional life. But sometimes I just hit this sort of system overload and need to completely shut down. It's not depression or manic-depression or OCD (I do know this for a fact because there was a time in my life i was worried if I was normal, I have consulted a professional); it's just the way I am. I'm not mad, not angry, not wanting to end things with whomever i'm seeing, not depressed - i guess when i need space, i'm just as focused about that as i am everything else.

I have great concentration skills and I'm tenacious as a pitbull especially in my vanilla / professional life. But sometimes I just hit this sort of system overload and need to completely shut down. It's not depression or manic-depression or OCD

Jenny,

You are describing me.

FirmKY

_____________________________

Some people are just idiots.

(in reply to JennyWench)

Post #: 37

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/5/2007 5:43:17 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

Fast Reply

I don't mean to step on your toes here, and I know this post is going to sound harsh, but it could be that he simply needs space and time ~away~ from you. It is neither reasonable to think that someone has something new to say every single day nor wants our company all the time. It could be that the new romance yumminess is wearing off - it is merely a normal adjustment in the relationship dynamic. Roll with it.

Give him room. Don't ring his phone off the hook. Don't "What's wrong??" him to pieces. Just let him be. If he says he loves you and isn't looking for another, and if you trust him the way you say you do, believe him. Let the man breathe.

Your statement "I never know when I am going to hear from him again" bothers me some. You apparently ~do~ hear from him eventually - never is a big word. And "I'm beginning to wonder if I really want to be involved with someone who is unpredictable and unstable like this. But he seems just fine all the rest of the time" is troublesome in that his only statement was that he gets down sometimes. What is "Just fine the rest of the time" to you? Answering your calls?

You're ready to chuck it (and blame it on "his" instability) because he's down sometimes? What does that say about the relationship in the first place? You think his need for solitude and time away from you isn't stable? Sweetheart, it's not only stable - it's a necessity.

It sounds to me that you are ... (pardon the word) ... pushing him a little. Back off. Let go. Don't cling. Don't freak. Loosen up. Enjoy the time you have, regardless if he is filling talking to you and giving you affirmation of your worth. Do not live for others - live for yourself. It's too big an interesting a world to fixate on phone calls to and from one person.

I am not trying to flame you. I am trying to make you see that the world does not revolve around this one person. It is not healthy to try to force it to be so.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to demureone)

Post #: 38

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/5/2007 6:14:41 AM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Quivver

I tend to ~poof~ at times myself. I do it when life is a bit overwhelming and I need time to fix and or heal.
I call it going reptilian. For me, it's quite time where I'm not sharing my troubles or involving anyone else in things I feel are up to me to fix. It's a way to avoid ~help~.

I'm the same way. It is also, at times, for me, a result of feeling pressured to want...or to enter into, a situation that just isn't viable.

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 39

RE: Habitual poofer? - 6/5/2007 7:29:06 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Whether the reason is legitimate or not, you have to decide whether this is the situation you can accept for yourself. Will you be fulfilled in a relationship where, if you have a big accident or illness or something Very Bad happens, you might not be able to reach him or have him offer support? Will you be fulfilled in a relationship where, at any point, he could simply leave for a few days with no explanation?

i agree with LA here. The issue isn't one of right or wrong but one of how does this work for you. If it doesn't, you know what to do.

i think people in general try so hard to make things fit and when they don't, work just as hard to figure out why ~
Think about how you want things to be in 5 years and where this situation will fit you.

< Message edited by dawntreader -- 6/5/2007 7:30:01 AM >

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Habitual poofer?

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094