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RE: Never again! - 6/4/2007 8:09:00 AM   
gothicdiva


Posts: 111
Joined: 2/16/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: livenlearn

quote:

Have you ever been deceived, misled, wronged, misjudged or generally been told a pack of lies by a Dominant, submissive, play partner or anyone else in BDSM?

Though I do not participate in any activities of or relating to BDSM, I can say that deceit is not regulated only to relationships of this kind.



I agree. It just seems to be "human nature"...and moreso in some people's nature than others to lie. It really has nothing to do with BDSM. If you lie, eventually you are going to be found out...and at what cost? How many people do you have to hurt...including yourself? Relationships based on deception ultimately fail. For instance, my ex thought that it was perfectly FINE to base a relationship on lies and deception (the fact that he had other women) as long as the other women didn't know about each other and they were HAPPY. Happy based on a lie! I must say that is not the type of person I want to be with and I broke things off with him when I could tolerate it no longer. Sometimes we "put up" with things we normally wouldn't because we are "in love" or we want something to work so badly. Mostly, I seem to have found that people in the "vanilla" world and real life have been more honest and forthcoming than alot of people that I have met online. But, it's hard to compare the two as I have the ability to come into contact with ALOT more people in this venue. I'll admit that it's hard not to become "jaded" and want to just "give up" at times. I'm currently trying to re-evaluate what I want from this lifestyle...if anything anymore.

Be well,
M. Diva

(in reply to livenlearn)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Never again! - 6/4/2007 11:14:54 AM   
HornyToadsMI


Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Oh have we had real winners (or weiners) in our "other life"....lol.  People posting pics that are 12 yrs old, or the woman's pic is really her daughter...I could go on and on.....

It is all about negotiation and reading the signs.  Listen to your gut.  And if it smells like sh*t, it probably is.....

toadette

_____________________________

i have the best job in the world - my Boss whips me!!!

Go with your gut - yes, I am being a Smart Ass!

(in reply to gothicdiva)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Never again! - 6/4/2007 11:31:21 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40

Have you ever been deceived, misled, wronged, misjudged or generally been told a pack of lies by a Dominant, submissive, play partner or anyone else in BDSM?

And if so what effect has this had on the way you view the BDSM scene, form relationships, behave or interact with others?

I guess that this has happened to almost all of us at some time, but is there a particular experience which stands out and which influences how you perceive, relate to and interact with others on the BDSM scene?


Yes. However, this happens in the vanilla world with a same degree of frequency. All that it changes is that I know that particular person is an ass who isn't worth my time.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Never again! - 6/4/2007 2:57:54 PM   
ennaozzie


Posts: 201
Joined: 5/9/2007
Status: offline 		Does not matter what lifestyle you live everyone has had wrongs done to them. and depending on that wrong or wrongs the result will be different to everyone how it changes how they grow if at all.

_____________________________

Never make someone your priority when you are only their option

If coffee hurts your eye's take the spoon out of the mug

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Never again! - 6/6/2007 6:18:57 AM   
Firebirdseeking


Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline 		Hell yes.  What stands out for me is the up front emphasis on "kink" as opposed to who we are as people; and so-called doms who are not in control of their own lives and themselves - hard to believe they think they will be able to control a submissive, especially one who does not fall on her knees and say, Yes, Master

(in reply to ennaozzie)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Never again! - 6/6/2007 7:22:51 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking
Hell yes.  What stands out for me is the up front emphasis on "kink" as opposed to who we are as people; and so-called doms who are not in control of their own lives and themselves - hard to believe they think they will be able to control a submissive, especially one who does not fall on her knees and say, Yes, Master

It's not really hard to believe considering most of them do find one to actually do all that pretty quickly.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Never again! - 6/6/2007 8:42:16 AM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40
Have you ever been deceived, misled, wronged, misjudged or generally been told a pack of lies by a Dominant, submissive, play partner or anyone else in BDSM?


Of course I have. Who hasn't?! Its normal, you learn and you grow and yoo get smarter and you move on.

quote:


And if so what effect has this had on the way you view the BDSM scene, form relationships, behave or interact with others?


I admit, I do get jaded and God help those poor people who come into contact for a few days while I am in still in that 'rage,'
I give warning that my mood is not great though. I go through phsases where I am jaded and disillusioned with the lifestyle, it happens to everyone at one point or another; I lean on lifestyle friends who remind me that not everyone is an a**hole or a troll. Then I move on.  

quote:


I guess that this has happened to almost all of us at some time, but is there a particular experience which stands out and which influences how you perceive, relate to and interact with others on the BDSM scene?


A few, I was almost put through a car window for disagreeing with someone, he was my first top in this lifestyle, after him, I was freaked for a while.

Another experience, I was almost killed by a partner who wasn't paying attention while he had me gagged, gags became a limit after that, and my views shifted to the more 'cautious;' sometimes overly so.

It takes time to heal and to get over hard or scarry experiences, at least I don't have nightmares any more; when I do, I call a friend or I remind myself, that 'sociopath' is not around and that  I'm safe. That could also explain why I am so 'passionate' on various issues. lol

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Never again! - 6/6/2007 3:59:55 PM   
Griswold


Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40

Have you ever been deceived, misled, wronged, misjudged or generally been told a pack of lies by a Dominant, submissive, play partner or anyone else in BDSM?

Yes.

And if so what effect has this had on the way you view the BDSM scene, form relationships, behave or interact with others?

I'm more cautious, in all things.

I guess that this has happened to almost all of us at some time, but is there a particular experience which stands out and which influences how you perceive, relate to and interact with others on the BDSM scene?

Of course.

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Never again! - 6/6/2007 4:38:50 PM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Griswold

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40

Have you ever been deceived, misled, wronged, misjudged or generally been told a pack of lies by a Dominant, submissive, play partner or anyone else in BDSM?

Yes.

And if so what effect has this had on the way you view the BDSM scene, form relationships, behave or interact with others?

I'm more cautious, in all things.

I guess that this has happened to almost all of us at some time, but is there a particular experience which stands out and which influences how you perceive, relate to and interact with others on the BDSM scene?

Of course.


What Griswold said...

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to Griswold)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Never again! - 6/6/2007 10:18:22 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Still smarting a bit over the remarkably consistent liar who courted Me for nearly 3 months mostly by phone, was all set to move to My town to live nearby and commence slave training ... then disappeared only to phone 10 days later to tell Me he was already collared (albeit to a Domme he had not yet met) and was "testing himself" using Me! Apparently he "passed" so he is now going to be with Her. Bloody good luck to Her is all I can say, She'll need it! And more fool him, he's missed the chance to be with a genuinely caring lifestyle Domme because he'll never get a look-in with Me again. But this only happened within the last couple of weeks, and it is already wearing off, I don't let these things eat Me away or destroy My faith in all people.

Similar shit can happen in the vanilla world, but I think it gets to Me a bit more here because bdsm is supposed to be based on honesty, open negotiations, trust, integrity etc. If you are trusting someone with your life, or if You are taking on that responsibility, honesty and trust are paramount. So when I get shafted in a bdsm sense it seems worse somehow.

Maam Jay

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to dawntreader)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Never again! - 6/7/2007 2:14:42 AM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		Sure, I have been deceived, misled, wronged, misjudged and told a pack of lies.  I've never associated this with BDSM because I've been deceived, misled, wronged, misjudged and told a pack of lies by vanilla's too. 

I give people in the lifestyle the same amount of trust as those not in it.  


(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Never again! - 6/7/2007 5:37:12 AM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		I have.  I was remeinded yesterday, that I allowed it to happen.
 
I received some excellent advice.
 
"Past experiences should never be forgotten. The crispness of the memory may fade, but the experience remembered, will remain. That is a good thing, be the experience wonderfull, or tragic. Those memories help shape the individual we become. If we are to grow and become better people, we must allow those experiences to alter and mold us. That being said, we must not allow those past experiences to overwhelm us. Again, either good or bad experiences.
We have all had our share of negative experiences. Well, at least I know I have.
I will not however, permit the sins of the people in my past to be paid for by the people in my present nor my future."
 
Sir's learning pet

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Never again! - 6/7/2007 1:46:14 PM   
classykindasassy


Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline 		My bullshit meter got delicately tuned in Vanillaland, so by the time I got to BDSM, my gauntlet worked pretty good. I have a screening process that's second to none, and have found that my gut is the best indicator. The LAST time I ignored a "red flag" in Vanillaland was my last straw there. I gave up on a class of people that was not able to make honorable agreements and negotiate the terms of a relationship, and those who do not honor their word.

I always say that the "3 strikes" rule is a good one, and more than some people deserve.

_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to shyinini)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Never again! - 6/7/2007 2:09:40 PM   
ready4srvce4all


Posts: 767
Joined: 3/9/2007
Status: offline 		I was lied to twice a good number of years back.  And both times, right when I was about to relocate.  I would have to say the only effect it had on me was it slowed my search down, and for the next 8 years following, I was in a stop and start pattern over and over.  But as far as any negative thoughts on the lifestyle as a whole, not really.  It's no different in the vanilla world, you just keep going until it's right.

_____________________________



(in reply to classykindasassy)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Never again! - 6/7/2007 3:43:26 PM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		I got through the first few lines and just threw up my hands.

I'm sure I'm not the only one to say it.  I'm not going to go try to find the others.

It's life.

People suck, in and outside of BDSM.

Nothing new to me.

And I'm sure it's nothing new to 99% of people.  People that suck tend to temporarily screw with my perception of dealing with most kinds of interaction situations with people.  Work, friends, personal relationships, etc.


_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to Aileen68)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Never again! - 6/7/2007 7:50:42 PM   
Tristan


Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		Telling lies is easy.  Keeping them straight is difficult.  I've never met anyone who could tell consistant lies for very long.  I've always got bad vibes within a very short time.  I might not have known what was true or a lie, but I've always known something wasn't right.

Presenting a false persona is also very difficult especially when conditions are not as expected.  A long walk in the rain or cold when that is not expected will reveal a person's true personality.

Tristan

(in reply to Aine)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Never again! - 6/7/2007 7:59:57 PM   
justheather


Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tristan
I've always got bad vibes within a very short time.  I might not have known what was true or a lie, but I've always known something wasn't right.


Tristan, this has also been my experience. I am grateful when I say that I have never been "taken" by someone pretending to be something they weren't... at least not that I can recall. It is not as universal an experience as those voicing their opinions here have assumed.

I dont believe it is just human nature to deceive. I do believe in intuition and being in touch with and true to oneself. It has been my experience that this state of being tends to short-circuit attempts at deception.

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to Tristan)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Never again! - 6/7/2007 8:04:53 PM   
Tristan


Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I dont believe it is just human nature to deceive. I do believe in intuition and being in touch with and true to oneself. It has been my experience that this state of being tends to short-circuit attempts at deception.

 
I agree.  Just a thought...how much does wishful thinking lead to one's own deception?
 
Tristan

(in reply to justheather)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Never again! - 6/7/2007 8:04:58 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		Maybe a few times online, but nothing serious that I can remember. However, something kind of funny looking back at it, did happen to someone I know very well. This “Dom” was supposed to meet her real time, but disappeared for days. When she questioned him, he said he worked for the “shadow government” and had been called to duty. Hahaha.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to Tristan)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Never again! - 6/8/2007 2:09:09 AM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I once had a couple of casual play sessions with a Dominant. I thought I had made it clear that it was just casual, but he built a life partnership fantasy around it, and when I walked away, he lost the plot completely. He had very good detective skills, and went around every family member he could track down, outing me (which fell pretty flat as they already knew about my kink). He even approached my new Dom's vanilla ex, asking her to take him back so he could have me. That went down really well, NOT!

I learnt a lot from that experience. It made me a lot more aware of how quickly other people's feelings could become engaged, and I have been a lot more mindful of that in playing with others since. But it certainly hasn't soured or embittered me. I am saddened to learn that he has behaved similarly with other subs since then. Some people should come with warning labels attached.

:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 40
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