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RE: Never again! - 6/8/2007 2:25:09 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		(Using fast reply.)
 
Hon, this happens to all of U/us at some point.  It's our personal experiences that help to build who We are.  It really has no difference in the way we respond to the lifestyle vrs vanilla.  Many of our perceptions are based on things that have happened to us.  We learn new strageties.  Base our new safegaurds on different experiences.  Who I am willing to meet today has a lot to do with red flags that have been brought up by My experiences with the past.
 
In most respects, I have been lucky.  I have a good screening process that has helped Me avoid "flakes" and no shows.  I have a very rigid criteria that, unless passed, there is no potential.  Does this mean I have come out of all encounters unscathed?  No, but I have, fortunately, kept it to a minimum.
 
All I can say is, learn from your experience.  Put it into your little mental filing cabinet and move on.  We are, afterall, creatures of reflection.  Build from whatever this is, instead of letting it tear you down.  That which doesn't kill us, does, in fact, make us stronger.  Put the experience to good use!  Trust Me.  You will do fine.
 
 

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Never again! - 6/8/2007 3:31:26 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		The lies, etc, I can handle. I learned what I would and would not accept. I learned how to move on and I TRY not to judge the next person by the actions of the previous person.

However, the ONE thing I will not go back on - will not change my mind on is a result of the life I had before BDSM. Being a virtual prisoner in my own home for years because I couldn't afford to divorce ($$) and there were no family around for me to turn to and my friends were just afraid enough of him to not want to get their families involved set my in my current mode of "I will never ever marry again."

Now that doesn't mean I don't love. It doesn't mean I don't have and appreciate intimacy. It just means that I will never place myself in that position ever again.

Never's a long time, but so far (9 years)...it's holding.

There are times I miss the evenings of doing nothing together with someone and there are certainly times I get scared of aging without someone else here for me, but those times are few and they simply aren't worth changing my mind about this.

I've been asked if I ever would change my mind, and truthfully, I don't know. I just know that willingly walking into that situation again is going to take much more courage than I currently have.

Oh yea... I'm reminded that as a result of the same marriage, I also deal with a hyper-vigilence kind of thing.

Hyper-vigilence was how I kept myself safe. I could look out the window as my ex used to get out of the car and simply the set of his shoulders told me with amazing clarity just how my night was going to go down. It also let me know every time he was lying to me. I could tell simply by watching the subtleties of his stance, the shape of his smile, the crease in his brow that often, he didn't even know was there. These days, I still do the same thing. Unfortunately, sometimes I mistake tiredness for displeasure, headaches for anger, and it causes problems. Hyper-vigilence was a good defense mechanism back then. My problem now is that I don't know how to turn it off.

juliet

juliet

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Never again! - 6/8/2007 3:50:06 AM   
sierraflowr


Posts: 59
Joined: 6/7/2005
From: Northern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MyMastersOwn

Even folks here on CM was having fun with me on the count down days. It was fun. And the fun turned to concern.... anger... wanting revenge when I started investigating some things that one Domme had me start looking into. The doors that began unlocking for me were unreal.

Hense another reason my Master had to work even harder to get me. The wall I built about me... my anger..distrust.. was strong.. tall.. and it took alot to break through to me again.

Yes i can relate. I have a big wall too. Then i let it down a bit and WHAM! What is it? are We naive? To trusting? damn. well welcome to online i guess.



_____________________________

~flowr
O};-
When I let go of who I am,
I become who I might be.
-Lao Tzu


(in reply to MyMastersOwn)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Never again! - 6/8/2007 3:54:56 AM   
sierraflowr


Posts: 59
Joined: 6/7/2005
From: Northern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shyinini

I have.  I was remeinded yesterday, that I allowed it to happen.
 
I received some excellent advice.
 
"Past experiences should never be forgotten. The crispness of the memory may fade, but the experience remembered, will remain. That is a good thing, be the experience wonderfull, or tragic. Those memories help shape the individual we become. If we are to grow and become better people, we must allow those experiences to alter and mold us. That being said, we must not allow those past experiences to overwhelm us. Again, either good or bad experiences.
We have all had our share of negative experiences. Well, at least I know I have.
I will not however, permit the sins of the people in my past to be paid for by the people in my present nor my future."
 
Sir's learning pet


That is awesome advice! Thank You so much! that is so true, and the hardest thing to do.


_____________________________

~flowr
O};-
When I let go of who I am,
I become who I might be.
-Lao Tzu


(in reply to shyinini)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Never again! - 6/8/2007 3:55:19 AM   
kitchendisco


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40

Have you ever been deceived, misled, wronged, misjudged or generally been told a pack of lies by a Dominant, submissive, play partner or anyone else in BDSM?

And if so what effect has this had on the way you view the BDSM scene, form relationships, behave or interact with others?

I guess that this has happened to almost all of us at some time, but is there a particular experience which stands out and which influences how you perceive, relate to and interact with others on the BDSM scene?


I believe all of my relationships, previous or current have coloured my view now. You learn from each person you share your journey from. All relationships have that to offer. Thats my objective opinion.

The particular one that stands out, is the one that i just left. Because of its recentness and rawness. That is now, not a year on say.

kd

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Never again! - 6/8/2007 4:10:30 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		i find it amazing to see people nearly killed by motorcycle, snowboarding, skydiving or automobile accident or other mishap and as soon as they are able they get right back to the activity that nearly killed them to prove that this accident will not get the better of them.  But when it comes to a broken heart a person will say "never again".  This seems very odd to me but it is extremely common.  One bad divorce makes a confirmed bachelor regardless of how wonderful love felt?  i don't get it.

i've had decades of good relationships that didn't last for a variety of reasons and a few bad relationships that i didn't recognize as bad at first. i can honestly say that if i look at my life most of the really bad decisions i've made have been made out of fear so i have decided to not be afraid anymore.   i've had no shows and lies and deceit in my vanilla relationships as well as BDSM and i'm just optimistic enough to get right back on that horse and just skeptical enough to tighten the saddle before i do.


_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Never again! - 6/8/2007 8:04:23 AM   
fyreredsub


Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline 		i carry some baggage that holds knee jerk reactions with trust issues

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Never again! - 6/8/2007 11:31:31 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		wa
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40

Have you ever been deceived, misled, wronged, misjudged or generally been told a pack of lies by a Dominant, submissive, play partner or anyone else in BDSM?

And if so what effect has this had on the way you view the BDSM scene, form relationships, behave or interact with others?

I guess that this has happened to almost all of us at some time, but is there a particular experience which stands out and which influences how you perceive, relate to and interact with others on the BDSM scene?


Several times.  Yes, it has colored My perception a bit but it also taught me some things.  What I try to do is recognize when I am perceiving someone based on triggers from past experiences and determine whether or not the trigger-activation is valid or simply me being ultra suspicious or ultra sensitive or ultra cynical.  The last thing I want to do is lay the load left by someone else on someone who doesn't deserve to carry it.  On the other hand, I don't want to be a blind optimist who forgets everything bad ever done and what signs pointed out that there was bad coming.

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Never again! - 6/8/2007 1:13:40 PM   
kc692


Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40

Have you ever been deceived, misled, wronged, misjudged or generally been told a pack of lies by a Dominant, submissive, play partner or anyone else in BDSM?

And if so what effect has this had on the way you view the BDSM scene, form relationships, behave or interact with others?

I guess that this has happened to almost all of us at some time, but is there a particular experience which stands out and which influences how you perceive, relate to and interact with others on the BDSM scene?


I have not read any other replies, but the answer is yes with a caveat...I have been no more misled by BDSM folk than vanilla, I think the same statistics apply to both.  One just has to learn to be very careful, and I say that even though I am one slave less in My household in the last 2 weeks.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

_____________________________

Anyone can overpower; not many can INSPIRE.....

This is only MY opinion. If it's not yours, let's agree in advance to agree to disagree, OR, you can just get the fuck over what I had to say:)

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Never again! - 6/8/2007 4:06:02 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sierraflowr


quote:

ORIGINAL: MyMastersOwn

Even folks here on CM was having fun with me on the count down days. It was fun. And the fun turned to concern.... anger... wanting revenge when I started investigating some things that one Domme had me start looking into. The doors that began unlocking for me were unreal.

Hense another reason my Master had to work even harder to get me. The wall I built about me... my anger..distrust.. was strong.. tall.. and it took alot to break through to me again.

Yes i can relate. I have a big wall too. Then i let it down a bit and WHAM! What is it? are We naive? To trusting? damn. well welcome to online i guess.




Well I felt compelled to reply here yet again.

Saying never again... I spoke tooooooooooooooooo soon.

Even after over a year... me thinking I was taking the slow route... doing all the right things... making sure... double sure.... I guess wanting to be sure... .damn... I did it again...

So i'm not saying never again... just.. here I go again....LOL

(previously known for a very short time as MyMastersOwn)

< Message edited by truesub4u -- 6/8/2007 4:07:06 PM >

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to sierraflowr)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Never again! - 6/11/2007 3:53:27 AM   
mons


Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		greetings

it is the same as dating you ask questions, you look for worda that say something is wrong here , if    something sound wrong it is wrong. i have a gift some say i call it a curse i have many who write me . even after c=talking for some time i i can pick up word that are so wrong,, things said that do not make sense . just as in vanialla dating it is the same. anyone who talk of sex too soon . ot send picture that are just not something you want this how how i pick up the wrong singals from sbmissive mam i do not care for bissexual man nothing wrong with htem it is just not my taste in men i tell them thank you and move on and anyone who thinks they will love with who just out of the blue is so wrong . i like a shy name who is reserve and sweet who does not jump at the chance to come to my bed and be puish by me right away. these are the things i look for when i pick a slave i now have one it took us two years of of talking now we know what we want and have i trust him and he trust me without any thought of i would hurt in ways i read on here i know what he wants and he know what i want he is my slave own him and he knows this and we just meant and he is so handsome as i am pretty i know two maybe too long for some but my trust level is low so two years was great for me .

mons

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Never again! - 6/11/2007 4:41:17 AM   
larissa2007


Posts: 7
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, that has happened to me, to the point that I was ready to give up the lifestyle.  I had relocated, given up everything and then discovered that I was lied to just to get me to move there, even after meeting several times in person and talking for several months before moving there.  But thanks to a few good friends they convinced me to stay in the lifestyle and try again, I have found a wonderful couple.  Yes you learn from your mistakes, I know I did, I  just approached things differently this time, so I know that they are different then the last situation I was in.

To anyone reading this that had an awful experience happen and want to give up the lifestyle, "Never give up looking for what you totally desire", I am so glad that I didn't.  Sometimes it is just harder to find for some people, but so well worth the effort.

(in reply to mons)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Never again! - 6/11/2007 5:15:42 AM   
MsCece2u


Posts: 85
Joined: 9/10/2005
From: DC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tristan

quote:

I dont believe it is just human nature to deceive. I do believe in intuition and being in touch with and true to oneself. It has been my experience that this state of being tends to short-circuit attempts at deception.

 
I agree.  Just a thought...how much does wishful thinking lead to one's own deception?
 
Tristan


I would have to agree with you Tristan that wishful thinking, longing, desire more than likely makes it easier for one to be deceived. 

_____________________________

Ms Cece
Tis better to let people think that you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

(in reply to Tristan)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Never again! - 6/11/2007 6:10:04 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		I am not sure about that statement... wishful thinking. It makes one seem somewhat desperate, or something more.  And not being desperate (and others I know not being either) It's just something that happens. Ya know the old saying... can't bullshit a bullshitter.... well there just happpens to be better bullshitters around than others.

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to MsCece2u)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Never again! - 6/11/2007 9:08:11 AM   
EvilGeoff


Posts: 523
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: octavia

What does blowing off meeting mean if you live 20 minutes away?  My subbie friends keep saying its just a power play...I'm starting to wonder......


It means that he does not value your time or presence or company very much.  I give people a "three-strike" chance.  I understand things can happen in life... family emergencies, work calls you in, the car breaks down... The first time it's bad luck.  The second time, it's a nasty coincidence. 

The third time?  Sorry, but you've blown me off for the last time, find someone else's time to waste, you're not getting any more of mine.  I don't care how good the excuse is.

If YOU are important to him, he would've found a way to meet.  He's yanking your chain, but only if you let him.

YIK,
- Geoff

(in reply to octavia)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Never again! - 6/12/2007 4:02:25 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

i find it amazing to see people nearly killed by motorcycle, snowboarding, skydiving or automobile accident or other mishap and as soon as they are able they get right back to the activity that nearly killed them to prove that this accident will not get the better of them.  But when it comes to a broken heart a person will say "never again".  This seems very odd to me but it is extremely common.  One bad divorce makes a confirmed bachelor regardless of how wonderful love felt?  i don't get it.



And for all the people that have climbed  back on their motorcycles, donned their parachutes, etc, there are others who have not, even if you haven't necessarily seen those people. Simply because some have chosen to do those things again and some have not means nothing to anyone other than them - even if you don't get it. And the same thing works for relationships. Saying no to marriage doesn't mean there is no love felt for someone else. It just means there's a line that won't be crossed - even for love.

juliet

(in reply to eyesopened)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Never again! - 6/12/2007 4:29:21 AM   
HalloweenWhite


Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40

Have you ever been deceived, misled, wronged, misjudged or generally been told a pack of lies by a Dominant, submissive, play partner or anyone else in BDSM?

And if so what effect has this had on the way you view the BDSM scene, form relationships, behave or interact with others?

I guess that this has happened to almost all of us at some time, but is there a particular experience which stands out and which influences how you perceive, relate to and interact with others on the BDSM scene?


question 1: All the time. question 2: Winners never quit and quitters never win. So you bounce back and do it all over again lol.

(in reply to stella40)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Never again! - 6/12/2007 4:47:41 AM   
fyreredsub


Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline 		being played in the past causes me to not trust easily.
this has caused problems for me but then again i do EXPECT that when someone says 'this is how it'll be" that they keep their word.
if circumstances (or others in the house)make it become a time consuming problem /dont do as they say they will issue then they need to release me rather than continue on into a constant 'manipulation' on my time and emotions because they are the master/owner.
i prefer not to be sucked in to a vacumn of BS (again)so someone can abdicate themselves of the responsibilities of owning another.
the bullshit meter is on fulltime these days as it seems like when i want something to work out i'll stick around even after others have said 'girl run'.
then that ole light bulb comes on.............the concrete goes back into place.
so we live and learn and hopefully dont repeat similiar mistakes

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to Aileen68)
Profile   Post #: 58
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