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Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 4:49:00 PM   
Einzelganger


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/8/2007
From: Orlando, FL
Status: offline 		Something I've been coming across that I've been thinking about for the past couple weeks is the value, or lack thereof, that so many seem to place on their previous relationships.  Granted, some were awful, but they wouldn't have been involved without some sort of reason.  It seems to differ from vanillas to subs to doms...I'm mainly speaking of the D/s community in this post, though.

As a sub, I still value my time spent with my former Mistress.  Yes, it's over...but that doesn't mean we have to hate one another as is seemingly the norm.  She's an amazing woman; things just didn't work out with our differences and such.  I've heard so many subs say things such as "I wish I hadn't wasted my time serving him/her" or "I wasted all that effort on that bitch" etc.  What the hell?  I thought submissives enjoyed serving others.  How can it possibly be a waste if they enjoyed it?  I can honestly say I loved every minute of it.  I also learned alot from it, and I would NEVER take that time back, even if I could.  I also strongly value everything she taught me, as it will be with me forever.

Many dominants (not all, of course) seem to behave as though they're throwing away some worthless piece of rubbish when they 'dispose of' a submissive.  This sort of posture always makes me wonder if they'll treat their current submissive like that if/when that relationship ends.  If I see a domme speaking in that fashion, I wonder if she'd talk trash about me later if we were to simply find too many differences and part ways for the better.  A submissive, as any human being, is not without value, just because things didn't work out.

The only two things I've seen commonly associated with vanilla breakups are the trash-talking, and the discussion of very private details.  When I see someone hell bent on ruining their former BF/GF/whatever's reputation, it makes me wonder about that person...it makes me wonder why they're so desperate to cling to the tatters of that relationship, rather than let it go if it was that awful.  Furthermore, I don't like hearing about what people did with their former loves.  Those are details that should be kept between those people, in my humble opinion.  Again, if I see a woman talking about her former boyfriend/husband/sub/slave/master/whatever, it's a huge turnoff, because you know she's going to do it again to her next former love, and likely even during the relationship.  I place very high value on my privacy, especially in the bedroom, and I extend that privacy to those with whom I am/have been involved...what they did with me is noone's business.

In contrast, I have seen a few people here, far more often than I've seen in vanilla life, who not only respect their former loves, but are also still friends with them.  You know who you are; I applaud you and have the utmost respect for you.  It takes a high level of maturity to make that work, in my opinion.

Does anyone share my views on the above topics, or do you think of me as the guy hanging around on the corner with the cardboard sign that reads "THE END IZ NEER"?  That guy everyone thinks is a bit nutty?  Thank you for reading, and I appreciate any replies/input you may have. *smiles*

-Einzelgänger
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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 4:56:10 PM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		I have ones that I still respect and appreciate, and ones that I don't give a crap about and wish I had never met.  It doesn't have anything to do with being a slave, if you were treated bad, lied to, abused..etc, there is no reason to think back in a fond way about them. 

To me, it's like any other relationship....you keep in touch with some, others you never want to see again.




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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 5:07:01 PM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I wonder if the reason for the bitterness that so many display is that BDSM seems to attract more than its fair share of users and abusers. Naturally people feel bitter and twisted if they commit time and energy to a relationship, only to find that they have been lied to and ripped off. In my experience, in a relationship with genuine BDSM'ers, there is no real difference with vanillas as to endings. Some end badly, some don't. As a Dominant, I value most of my former BDSM partners, but I still feel bad about the relationship I was involved in as a submissive, which ended with the rejected Dominant stalking and outing me.

For the most part, I'd say you get as many reactions to relationship endings as there are individuals. But where there has been deception and abuse of one sort or another, it's not going to be "valued" for a while. It takes time to rise above such treatment and understand its place in the big picture of one's life.
:))
LH

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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 5:07:02 PM   
charmdpetKeira


Posts: 916
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Does anyone share my views on the above topics,


It is a matter of prospective; while some can see what they’ve gained others, only see what they've lost. Some are able to see where they went wrong; others can only see where the other guy went wrong.

quote:

or do you think of me as the guy hanging around on the corner with the cardboard sign that reads "THE END IZ NEER"?  That guy everyone thinks is a bit nutty? 


Hmmmm…. While your line of thinking does tend to put you out of the “norm”, try to remember; just because the guy on the corner is dressed funny, it doesn’t make him a liar. ;)

k

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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 5:31:57 PM   
Einzelganger


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/8/2007
From: Orlando, FL
Status: offline 		Admittedly, sleazybutterfly, I have one I'd never want to see again, and I agree that it has little to do with being a sub...or being a dominant, for that matter.

LadyHeart, you've a good point.  I usually don't think much about the fakers, because as a male submissive, I'm not being bombarded with emails from them every day the way dominants are.  I suppose that could definately embitter someone after some time, or cause them to become somewhat jaded.

I agree, charmedpetKeira.  Some can find the silver lining, yet some seemingly cannot; I also have something of an issue with someone who looks inward expecting to find perfection.  You've definately found a better way to explain what I was trying to say. *smiles*

Thank you for your replies...I appreciate your time. *smiles*

-Einzelgänger

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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 6:04:07 PM   
daddysblondie


Posts: 181
Joined: 3/17/2007
Status: offline 		You know, I'm in the process of dealing with the end of a relationship right now. Long story short, it wasn't a case of anyone doing anything wrong but simply that he had to make a big move and doesn't want to try to have a long distance relationship. While I am hurting over the end of things, I'm happy for him and what he has ahead of him.

My point is though, that I told a friend just last night, that even if I had been told in the beginning that it was going to end this way, I wouldn't go back and change a thing.
I've had bad relationships as well, but like others said, I've learned to look at what I learned and gained from the relationship rather to focus on how I feel about the person that I was with.

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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 6:19:16 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		I actually value and respect most from previously relationships.  My last one was rather difficult, because we have this strange love/hate thing still going on between us to this day.  It's been nearly a year since it ended.   There are times when she expresses how she wasted nearly 5 years of her life.. only hear this when she's frustrated and trying to pick a fight with me.  A few weeks later she's not speaking such madness.  All and All in the end, we get along great and we get along like really bad.   Heaven and Hell.. just like it was during the relationship itself.  So, we get along afterwards like we did during!  Heaven and Hell...

Regarding the rest of my past relationships, we get along just great whenever we encounter one another or talk.  A realistic balance of the Good things as well as bad that happened.  That it was not a complete waste of time or energy.  Being able to look at all the Good things that came out of it.

I don't know what to make of the situation from my last.  It's hard for me to hear wonderful things about how I made her stop and realized so many things about herself and her life, followed by a week later being told how everything was a complete waste of time.   Drives me crazy to tell you that truth. 

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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 6:30:37 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline 		 
I have one I miss infrequently.  She was my punker girlfriend.  Part of me thinks I would run to be with her, but the rational part of me knows that our relationship was context based, and that context is long gone.

I was with one who I would not cross the street to micturate in her mouth if her teeth caught on fire.  This is odd, because I am normally nice and friendly.  But the damage she did is too vast to be overcome, and she has shown no willingness to do anything but pick at scabs.   All the time I was with her I was the protector, the giver, the supporter, regardless of her behaviors.

I was with one I adored.  But one night she got drunk and came after me with a knife.  As Hunter S. Thompson says "You can turn your back on a person, you cannot turn your back on a drug."  There are times I think I still love her, but she has baggage which I refuse to subject myself to again.

I was with a couple of submissives, and while the sex was great and the relationship was wonderful, I learned early on that it came with a price.  They were unable to find their own success in life, and relied on me to support them.

As far as the value?  All of these relationships taught me things about myself.  I refuse to get into a relationship again where I am the caregiver or responsible for caretaking somebody who cannot manage their life.  Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

Sinergy

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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 6:33:41 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline 		"Welcome to slavery"  Salma Hayek.
"No thank you, Ive already had a wife."  George Clooney.
                   From Dust til Dawn

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"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 6:33:58 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		One of the most important things to learn about someone before making a commitment to them is how they handled ending their past relationship and how they feel towards it now.  I think that shows a lot about how a person deals with conflict and resolves issues, as well as values what they have in their life.

I know my partner still loves his ex wife, respects her highly and they are still very good friends together.  This made a huge impact on me when we got to know eachother and I respected him a lot more because of it.

Not that we should all be friends with ex's in order to be good people- I certainly am not.  But if you've got a track record of trashing every ex, and having a 3 year drama fest surrounding each one...that tends to speak more of the person and not so much the ex.

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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 7:05:26 PM   
SunNMoon


Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline 		(fr)
My first relationship was my high school sweetheart. We should have never dated it ruined a great friendship. It ended so very badly but I always wonder what would have happened if we were older.

My current relationship has had ups and downs this past year. Right now we're in a low, I like to think that we'll make it. But if we don't I know that it'll because we've grown apart and not for a lack of caring deeply about each other. I will always think well of him; he's made me a much more loving person. I am much better for him.

I like to think the way we look at past relationships depends so very much on the reason the relationship is ending. If we're still able to see the best of the person.

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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 7:52:50 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		While my first marriage ended with a gut-wrenching revelation that, no, he really didn't love me, I will always be grateful for having had the experience and him in my life. I learned a great deal about myself. While my second marriage ended amicably, but still ended, I will always be grateful for that one, too. While the person who I think was the closest thing I've ever had to a soul mate died after knowing him only a very short time, I'm still extremely gratefull and blessed for having the time I had with him. I even feel grateful for those who gave me negative experiences along the way; they taught me a lot about myself.

Master Fire


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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 7:56:53 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		I remember a few former relationships fondly, but then when I'm honest with myself and go through ALL of their aspects, it doesn't take long to remember that they ended for a reason.  The only time I get at all wistful is when I recall a relationship where I fucked up, or an acquaintance that never had a chance to bud into a relationship because I was preoccupied with other things (that, of course, didn't work out).

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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 8:05:03 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

I remember a few former relationships fondly, but then when I'm honest with myself and go through ALL of their aspects, it doesn't take long to remember that they ended for a reason.  The only time I get at all wistful is when I recall a relationship where I fucked up, or an acquaintance that never had a chance to bud into a relationship because I was preoccupied with other things (that, of course, didn't work out).


Feel much the same way..I think the bitterness that some people harbor over past relationships is due largely to the fact it was rather one dimensional when they thought tha it was the "real deal."  So many in such of a rush to find happiness tend to find the alternative.

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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 8:56:13 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		I think they just mean that they put a lot of effort into something and are frustrated by its outcome.  Whether the way they express that is 'mature or not is up to individual opinion.  There are some relationships, both vanilla and D/s, that I wish I had not embarked on.  Did I learn something?  Yes.  But I would definitely have rather read a book about it than experienced that heart ache myself.

I'm not one to trash talk people--including exs, as it tends to make anyone who does it seem desperate and bitter.


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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 8:57:07 PM   
ennaozzie


Posts: 201
Joined: 5/9/2007
Status: offline 		If only commenting on D/s relationships i had one for three years, it ended not that good not real bad either but it was a good three years i learnt so much, and during that time i was happy and thrived.

I dont think anyone can regret the good or bad, because what we have done/been through and learnt is what made us what we are today, and if we are happy with the essence of our self.  Then what is there to regret?

beanie

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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 8:58:45 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		When I first joined this site and even when I first met my Daddy I was extremely raw from the first dom/sub relationship that I had ever been involved with. I was still hurting from the way it had went down. I was still somewhat bitter about the way it had ended, which was not well. It took several months after I met my Daddy for me to see all the very valuable things I had learned from this relationship about myself, about what I wanted and needed, about my personal boundaries and where they stood.

The early days of my conversations with my Daddy were filled with tentative explorations to see if these boundaries were acceptable to him. Every disclosure of the hurt of this past relationship left me very vulnerable to my Daddy... and the world did not fall apart because I exposed this pain to him, in fact it was part of the bond that formed between us. I would ask him to promise not to do certain things I found very destructive to me, and he would promise not to do those things... and I would trust just a little bit more, and a little bit more, and a little bit more.

It is well over a year since my former dominant and I were involved. I learned a lot from him. He had some very valuable wisdom that he imparted to me. I still will occasionally converse with him via email, and I am glad it  ended in such a way that I could see the good in him. I wish for him to be completely happy in this life. That being said he did act in ways that I feel were abusive to me. He could be very cruel. He was also immature in my opinion. But that does not mean he was a monster. He isn't a monster, he just was not right for me... and our explorations helped me to see what it is I wanted in a man, and because of that I have someone very precious to me in my life... so in the end I am grateful for that past relationship... it put me on the pathway to the one I now enjoy.

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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 9:03:33 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		I believe trash talking and holding on to the past for ammo is wrong wrong wrong... and its not something i'd ever do. Someones past is just that, past...but if they feel the need to talk about it...then thats what they should do.

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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 9:11:22 PM   
lovewithoutfear


Posts: 153
Joined: 7/11/2005
Status: offline 		There's no one I've been in relationship with, with whom I would not go out for coffee if I ran into them somewhere.  I don't hold any grudges -- life's too short. 

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RE: Value placed on past relationships... - 6/3/2007 10:26:05 PM   
brightspot


Posts: 3052
Status: offline 		My ex Domina and I are still close friends.
We were together for 2 years and have been in friendship
only for a year last January.
We still hold a high respect for each other, may be because
our D/s love relationship ended because of outside circumstances
and not something bad that took place in our relationship.
We e-mail every now and then and she just sent me a really nice BD gift in April.
 
I am not connected with any of my other exes, though I still love and respect a few of those women.
There are a few too, especially from younger years that I could care less about, but I still have gratefullness for our time shared together. There are always some good memories from all my past relationships that I still treasure.
 
Missy.

< Message edited by brightspot -- 6/3/2007 10:29:40 PM >

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