Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things.

Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

WhiplashSmile -> Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 1:12:18 PM)
Hey Gang, Lately there's been this tension going on over what is a true/real master or slave, and many spins off down to protocals. Be these general social protocal, personal relationship protocals. Down to opening doors, car doors and body positions being physically lower or higher. Eyes of our beholders It's interesting to encounter so many perspectives or POVs (point of views). Face it, we all wear are own labels, and we each have our own personal definitions for labels and words we use. Master, Dom, Domme, Daddy Dom, submissive, slave, little girl, even the label Switch is area of debate when it comes to definitions. I think, it's not just how we see ourselves, it's how the person in our life see's us as well. The eyes of our beholders. I believe it's important in a relationship that both people see each other in the same light. Regardless of how every Tom, Dick, Jane, and Harry views us. Sure we view ourselves as being such and such, however every Tom, Dick, Jane and Harry on this site might view us somewhat differently. If you are looking for that special somebody for a relationship, it's how they see you that's important. Now, you will encounter people saying you are not a real/true (insert you label here) in your search, move onto the next until you find the person that does view you as being a True/Real (insert you label here). Some people simply don't do this, instead they start up another "Why are people fakes" thread on the message board. My advice, keep looking for what you are looking for, everybody will not met your expectations of what a (label you are looking for) is, nor will everybody view you as a true/real (insert your label here). If I was to go by what every Tom, Dick, Jane and Harry thought about me, I'd probally flip out, go fucking insane, and become completely lost not knowing who or what I am. How we do things With every relationship, the number and levels of protocals used are different and varied. For some relationships there are very few while others there are many. It's obvious for some people protocal play a major role in relationship. It appears some people heavily identify with using protocals as a means to help reinforce their respective labels, and the D/s relationship dynamics. Some people don't place so much emphasises in this things. In any relationship I have ever been in, including vanilla ones, protocals existed in some form or another. Be it morning cups of coffee, holding doors open, answering phone, using pet names (honey, babe, dear) even. Most of these protocals are based on social interaction that is established between two people. It's a very natural process actually. When it comes to talking about protocals in BDSM relationships, OMG people at times get so bent out of shape it's not funny. Even more so because we can create a working list of protocals on paper if we like and teach/share these with another person. Actually, going through this process can reduce the number of disagreements or conflicts in a relationship. For instance the area of "Opening Doors" and protocals involved. Personally from my experiences, the "Opening Door" conversation, damn near always happens. Regardless if it's BDSM or vanilla. It's a point in time where this protocal is hammered out between two poeople. In terms of what each person thinks or expects in terms of "Opening Doors" every Tom, Dick, Jane and Harry is not involved in this process. Some people Love High Level protocals, some Love lower level protocals. Protocals are a fact of life in any relationship you have, even when dealing with strangers. Things such as "Thank you", "Excuse me", handshakes, hugs, eye contact, down to tipping a waitress or bartender. Basically, Manners and Etiquette. Things that show respect for another person. These protocals are generally a two-way street. Where both parties (including Masters) follow it. It's not something that a sub/slave does. So it's just as much work for a Master as it is for a slave. There are some people that lack proper Manners and Etiquette when dealing with others. They simply don't say "thank you" or ask for things in a polite manner. All crap that should have been taught to them by their parents while growing up. It can be a challenge at retraining these bad behaviors. For some people they could care less about social Manners and Etiquette. Hence the Expression "a slave is a reflection of the Master". I just thought I'd put this thought out to for everybody, see what others have to say as well.

earthycouple -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 1:40:35 PM)
I find your post eloquent and well stated. I firmly believe in not worrying what random people think about me and the relationships I forge with others. "My beholders" are those I love and what they see in me matters. Great Post.

starDF -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 1:49:04 PM)
thank You for presenting a well written post! i waited and searched for about 8 years before ever accepting a collar of any kind - if i had listened to every Tom, Dick and Harry say i was a switch, sub, slave, Dominant, or whatever else they tried to convince me i was, i'd probably have given up on many aspects of the lifestyle ages ago! Darkness Fallen's star - who's very glas she waited [:D]

viperess -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 1:52:22 PM)
Greetings, i would like to thank the OP for this thread. It would be so very nice if more people thought this way instead of trying to push off what they think each lable means, when really the only ones who should be concerned about it are the ones involved in the relation. Again thank you very much. Respectfully,

Joseff -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 2:22:55 PM)
Well said, I don't think there's anything I could add to that. Joseff

HornyToadsMI -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 2:37:56 PM)
[sm=applause.gif] TY!!!!

MadRabbit -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 2:44:59 PM)
Nice post. I dont view Dominant, Master, Slave, Submissive, Pleasure Slave, Puppy, Daddy, whatever as labels or roles. I view it as identity and how each person UNIQUELY merges this identity with all their other identites...professional, father, daughter, brother, friend, boss...is what makes a relationship "real". Hence, its not that someone cant be a pleasure slave when they are an accoutant from Detroit. Its how they merge being a pleasure slave into their lives in addition to being an accountant, a mother/father, son/daughter, etc.

hereyesruponyou -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 2:46:27 PM)
Great post as always, too bad it probably won't be read by the right audience

windchymes -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 4:29:56 PM)
Awesome post! The only thing I disagree with is that it's been happening "lately". It's pretty much been going on since the beginning.[:)]

LadyHeart -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 4:42:16 PM)
A label is a box. When we put it on ourselves we only allow ourselves to be those things inside the box. It excludes all the possibilities outside it. It's the same when we tie that label on others. What a wealth of possibilities we exclude. And then we get angry or defensive when we catch glimpses of that otherness. But we also have to remember that the human brain is designed that way. Words themselves are labels. We can't think without them. All we can really do is cultivate the awareness that we operate like that, and keep challenging ourselves to be different. The moment you think : I've got it! - you haven't! :)) LH

cjenny -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 4:48:23 PM)
FR, not especially well thought out. More of a condensed version of my thoughts. Labels are needed, people need to be able to keep other people in context and labels do that. They can be limiting. Inaccurate. Annoying. But unless we all become clones we will have a need to label & be labeled to find the route through society. Woman, sister, daughter, aunt, geek,friend, submissive. All those & more are what tell others where I stand or where I come from.

WhiplashSmile -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 5:22:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cjenny FR, not especially well thought out. More of a condensed version of my thoughts. Labels are needed, people need to be able to keep other people in context and labels do that. They can be limiting. Inaccurate. Annoying. But unless we all become clones we will have a need to label & be labeled to find the route through society. Woman, sister, daughter, aunt, geek,friend, submissive. All those & more are what tell others where I stand or where I come from. I agree Labels are needed. It is human nature to label anything and everything around us, including ourselves. At best we share a general common definition of what these labels are. Many times there a sub-titles or sub-lables that need to be shared. For instance, one of my labels in life is "Guitarist", what does this mean "lead, rhythm, bass" What kind or style of Music "Rock, blues, country, Jazz" if Rock then "Hard Rock, Grundge, Post Grundge, Classic Rock, Sleeze Rock".. am I "Agressive or more passive" in my playing? What kind of Guitars or Amps do I use. BDSM is as bad as the Music world. Do Real Guitar players use "Marshall Amps" or "Peavy" LOL... Who has what Gear, who is influenced by What? Do you drink while playing out or not? How do you put on a better show than the other band. Who's played what and for how long? How many bands have you been in? What's the largest number of people you've played for? Blah Blah Blah... It's the same old theme, just different group of people on here.. Bottom line is this, can you play or can't you! Are you wanting to learn more or not? Do you have something to share with others that encourages them? Do you have something positive to contribute or not? Is there something you are looking to learn? Is there anything new you can learn about some specific area of interests. What can you do to improve yourself and your relationship? What are some of the mistakes you've made you can share with others? God, my floggers are better than yours, My Master is better than yours, I'm a better slave than you are. My Dungeon is bigger and better than yours. Sounds a lot like.. My Guitars are better than yours, My Drummer is better than yours, I'm a better guitar player than you. My Band has more equipment and it's better than yours. Come on everybody... get real here. There are days when I pop online here and see threads that are not centered around BDSM as much as it is this crap. I've not seen very many post regarding Slave Training Techniques, Flogging techniques, Improving Scene play, Different ways to use Bondage, Tips on becoming a better Master... How about setting the atmosphere and mood for Scenes? How about some of your Favorite protocals you use in your M/s relationship and why? How about sharing some insight to the type of training your Master has gave you and why it's made you a better person or slave. Protocals of a Daddy/littlegirl relationship verses protocals used in Master/slave relationship? Tips at playing age play? Advice on how to put a dungeon or play room together?

sublimelysensual -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 6:05:26 PM)
I enjoyed reading Your posts (both) and I agree with You. I think it's one thing to generally label people as to what their preferences are, another thing entirely to try to place everything about them in a tidy little box determined by how they identify themselves. I think most probably already know how I feel about protocol and common courtesy from other threads, so I won't go into that other than to say I enjoy protocol, and think courtesy and manners are fast becoming lost arts. I also think it would be really nice to maybe have another board category..ie.."learning the ropes" where maybe the discussions could be geared more toward tips, tricks, techniques, etc etc, without having to weed through everything else. I enjoy the threads that are more about people's experiences, and less about one-upsmanship.. just my two cents.. -a -edited for spelling-

silvermuse -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 6:11:45 PM)
Very nicely written. muse

imthatacheyouhav -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 6:17:07 PM)
Thankyou for taking the time to post this...i enjoyed it more than i can say.

KnightofMists -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 6:26:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile I've not seen very many post regarding Slave Training Techniques, Flogging techniques, Improving Scene play, Different ways to use Bondage, Tips on becoming a better Master... How about setting the atmosphere and mood for Scenes? How about some of your Favorite protocals you use in your M/s relationship and why? How about sharing some insight to the type of training your Master has gave you and why it's made you a better person or slave. Protocals of a Daddy/littlegirl relationship verses protocals used in Master/slave relationship? Tips at playing age play? Advice on how to put a dungeon or play room together? Unfortunately.. you will not likely see much change. Alot of drama goes on as you have obviously noted... interestingly enough.... even though you express it in a postive manner.... this thread in of itself will create more drama even thou you are hoping to motivate a more thoughtful dialogue on the forms. For in fact.. isn't your express more of the same.. complain about what is not happening. However, I think your words that are ratherly positively expressed can be focused away from the drama that some my want to draw towards it. I believe that what needs to be focused on is the more thoughtful exchange that you suggest in the above quote. Therefore, instead of individuals making such postive rants. Maybe we seek a solution to generate what you believe would serve many much better than all the continued drama. As a suggestion... something that many individuals of note have done from time to time.. is Start these threads of note. make those meaningful opening post that will draw discussion. I would also state that most often these threads don't stay around for long... they go a few pages or so and then they seem to die. It is therefore important that indivduals keep posting these threads of note as the discussion falters on the current topics. Lastly, and maybe the hardest of all.. is avoid participating into the drama that occurs... yeah.. talk about solving world hunger... but maybe one just needs to try and keep trying and maybe we can get there.

robertolapiedra -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 7:12:19 PM)
Hello WhiplashSmile. There may be many "opinions" about your posts... but I'll tell you what I think: "you" care! That's why I read "all" your very "persistent" posts. After more than a month of reading and posting, I'm starting to know the people who really "care" around here, the list is growing. I wonder how many "flamers" know that after a while, they get skipped over in postings? Just for not giving a shit? RL.

truesub4u -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 7:20:05 PM)
Excellent Post, and very well written. Wish I had of seen it about 2 months ago or more. It's threads like this that make you slow down, read, think, .... that I really learn more from. Thank you again ... Jessica

Noah -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 9:59:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cjenny FR, not especially well thought out. More of a condensed version of my thoughts. Labels are needed, people need to be able to keep other people in context and labels do that. They can be limiting. Inaccurate. Annoying. But unless we all become clones we will have a need to label & be labeled to find the route through society. Woman, sister, daughter, aunt, geek,friend, submissive. All those & more are what tell others where I stand or where I come from. I'm not so sure we need to keep other people anywhere. I kind of like just letting them be wherever they may be. I could label you a cripple and thereby tell others where you stand or where you come from. Is that what you need to find your route through society? Is it what we need? I took the OP to be indicating that we can employ labels in a gingerly and careful way as tools OR we can have our thinking and indeed our vision limited by over-reliance on them. And I think he was making a lot of sense. The example you gave of a well-rounded and open-ended list of labels serving as a description of yourself operated in a way quite opposed to what the OP seemed to be concerned with: relatively careless, shallow attempts to sum up and close off a person in a single term. This necessity of labeling you talk about isn't clear to me. You meet someone and interact, for moments or for years. Can't you just encounter the person, his words and other actions for what they are and leave it at that? Can you really not find your way through society without categorizing him somehow? More pointedly: do you think it impossible that two people could come together and quite naturally inhabit what you and I might call a power exchange dynamic even if they were completely unfamiliar with that label and all other labels for what it is that they are engaged in?

octavia -> RE: Eyes of our beholders, and how we do things. (6/8/2007 10:23:18 PM)
ok. My very obstinant nature screams out that i have to disagree with you. Not that i do.. but just because no one has so far..... seems unbalanced. Must be the libra in me. [:D]

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.03125